RainingButtons

He turned up out of the blue today - (Valentines day!) it was pouring with rain - I open the door and he’s stood there with plastic tubs of curry he’d made for our son. (He had the kids yesterday at his)

he steps inside the door as I have no porch and it was literally torrential rain. I step back and shout the kids down to say hi - and I take the food. Boundary already broken as he’s not meant to be in my house!!!

I went into the kitchen - busied myself and he pops his head round the door to say he’d fixed a burst tap outside for me! (I didn’t ask him to) I say oh .. ok thanks .. he goes.

a couple hours later - the door goes and it’s him AGAIN! this time I can smell booze on him from 2 meters away. He doesn’t “appear drunk” but I knew he’d been drinking. He’d printed off a picture our daughter has emailed him (we don’t have a printer) this time he steps right past me and says “I’m going to speak to xxxx (our son) and he goes right up my stairs. He comes out again 10 mins later crying. Hugs our daughter and stats sobbing - crying he misses them ... it’s so hard for him to leave them ... he loves them so much....

daughter is autistic she was shocked - never seen him cry before. I only saw him cry when his dog died.

I stayed emotionless and detached and stepped back into the room and he actually came looking for me! To make sure I saw his performance. Then he said he had to go - and left wailing. My daughter who is 12 broke down crying she was convinced she had said something to upset her dad. Son devastated too but said Dad had asked him to protect his sister and look after her. All very worrying.

they are both now calm and we’ve had hugs and talks but I cannot allow this to happen again. Not in my house anyway - this is our safe space. So I’m about to text him - speaking to him has zero effect at least if it’s in writing it’s accountable? This is what I want to send. “Sorry you were upset today but please can you let me know (not via the kids I as I don't already get the message like today I didn't ) what day and time you want to see the kids and don't just turn up here again - they've both been very upset after seeing you break down today.



I did say a couple of weeks ago that you couldn't come in, as we are shielding but you still do and today you just went upstairs anyway without asking me if it was ok. So I'm saying it now - no more coming indoors here so we are very clear. It's my home and I want you to respect that.



I ask that you just stay in the car and they can come out to you - no need for you to see me - at least just for a while until things with the divorce are over and we have chance to settle.”
Do I send it - or edit it or not say anything at all? I really do not know how to proceed here.

i need to add - I think this has escalated this week because he’s had a letter from his solicitor this week to say I have now a legal aid certificate and will be proceeding with financial matters and divorce.

dandylion

RainingButtons......from what I can tell, I think that you handled it at well as possible under the circumstances and I think the text sounds precise and clear. I think that the idea of them going out to the car to see him (when prearranged) sounds like a good Idea. Yeah, I can imagine that he is emotional with the evidence that you are proceeding with the divorce.

Ariesagain

This is a good start but you don’t have to suggest that things might change after the divorce, because he’ll view that as permission to resume showing up on your doorstep whenever he likes.

IMO, I wouldn’t bother with the text right now, regardless. He’s drinking and drunk tears are meaningless...just self-pity. I wouldn’t send the text also because he’s no doubt still drunk and it would go right over his head and/or add to his pity party. I would talk to your attorney ASAP tomorrow about a more strongly worded actual letter outlining what is acceptable and that you may have to consider a restraining order if he continues to violate your rules for your home. Polite, kind requests aren’t all that likely to work with him sober, let alone drinking, correct?

I’m so sorry you’re still dealing with this.

RainingButtons

yes ... I agree ... I’ve not sent anything yet as I thought he will be drowning in self pity tonight. He has sent both kids rambling messages in text saying how proud he is of them etc - they are both ok and have taken it on face value which is good. I must say I also found communication reassuring as it crossed my mind he may be in a dark place.

I also had a word with the kids and said that I’m going to ask Dad to stay in the car from now on because it’s too upsetting to come in and not be allowed to stay. I explained to my son that we are going to be sorting out “money and stuff” with solicitors and that we need to have space so that we don’t fall out. He understood and he was incredibly mature about it.

so tomorrow I’ll cut the text down to remove the part where I imply it’s temporary too.

it’s so annoying that he’s going to cause me yet another sleepless night - as I will keep going over it in my head and so selfish of him - the kids have had this to worry them when they have enough to deal with right now with being in lockdown since December.

Ariesagain

As usual, RB, you’ve handled things with your children beautifully. You’re an excellent mother! I hope that thought will help you sleep tonight.

It’s really all about attention with your ex. Anything that gets a response is a success and therefore is likely to be repeated. It doesn’t matter if it’s negative attention...it’s still attention.

And next time he shows up, he can stand in the rain!

SmallButMighty

I'm sorry his selfish drunken behavior upset your family yet again with his manipulative ways. He WANTED you to all be worried about him, to be concerned he might be in a "dark place". He wanted you to bend your rules, heck, he didn't wait for you to bend, he just barged right on through your actual physical boundary... He acted emotionally unhinged in front of the kids and yourself in a bid for pity and sympathy... making it all about HIM yet again. I'm sure, he also wanted to behave ( and likely believes) HE is the wounded one, not owning a single bit of his own crappy behaviour that lead to the breakdown of the relationship in the first place! I feel just awful your kids had to endure that, and you too... that man is so infuriating!

I hope you manage to find something else to occupy your time and your thoughts with tonight RB. If thoughts of him are going to keep you awake anyways, have a good book or a game on your phone/tablet or some DYI videos to watch on youtube or anything that takes your focus off him. He wants to get you off balance, don't give him that power. Just because he is falling back into old manipulative ways doesn't mean you have to fall prey to them. I know it's hard ... I'm beaming you some strength across the pond!

I'd like to think your text will have an impact but I very much doubt it will. He isn't even accountable to himself so I find it hard to believe he will just turn over a new leaf and respect your wishes no matter how well worded and correct your message will be. Fingers crossed I am wrong. I do think it has some merit to have something down in writing. Even if just to be able to remind yourself that, "on such and such a date I did-freakin-so tell him!!!"

You are doing so well RB, keep it up. *hugs*

trailmix

I might send him a text, but there wouldn't be a sorry or a please in it.

The quote above, that's aggressive, to me. He knows your boundary and he said he came to give your daughter a picture but goes right past you to see your Son. He was also drinking and driving.

You know, I have compassion for people with alcoholism (or any addiction) it's a tough, tough life. That said, your focus is really you and your children and protecting them and yourself. If he was respectful enough to accept your boundary - none of this would have happened.

I think I would contact the lawyer and have him/her draw up a formal letter outlining those boundaries.

Nd819

I think you handled things well and I think your text is fine but I would probably hold off sending it until maybe the morning when he's sober. I've never had any luck engaging in any way once they've been drinking. Sorry you have to deal with this.

RainingButtons

sent him this - this morning. Why am I so nervous?



Xxxx,


I've asked you before - but feel need to say this again, can you let ME know if you want to see the kids anytime (not via George I as I don't always get the message) and don't just turn up here again. Nobody wants to see you upset obviously but they've both been very disturbed after seeing you crying and Poppy blames herself.

I did clearly say a couple of weeks ago that you couldn't come in my house anymore as we are shielding but you still do, and today you just went upstairs anyway without even asking me if it was ok. I do not want you to do that again. So I'm saying it again now in writing - no more coming indoors uninvited here - not even in to my hall - I hope we are very clear.

I ask that in future you stay in the car and they can come out to you. I've spoken to the kids and they both understand why I'm saying this.

Hawkeye13

This is clear, and would be effective with a normal person, but I doubt it will work to deter him very long.
I would still follow this up with a letter from your lawyer.

trailmix

Because you never like to make anyone mad? That you know a backlash will potentially come back and that will make you feel bad? Not wanting to upset anyone is normal, but you are sticking up for yourself and your kiddies and that is important, as you already know. If he is mad, well those are his feelings and he is entitled to them, nothing you can control about his reaction.

You know, it's completely normal to feel some fear when you are confronting someone, with practice that diminishes, but I'm sure your ex always had plenty to say when you did confront him, historically and none of that was nice. I'm sure there was a lot of eggshell walking. There is a reason why controlling people do that, maybe not even consciously, because they want you to be scared to approach them about anything. They don't want to hear what you have to say.

It's kind of like someone who is surrounded by an electric fence.

So you've been set up to have that reaction of fear and fighting it is hard, but you are and that is the most important thing. Sadly in this case it's the lesser of two evils, in terms of his out of control reactions, you can be firm and confront him and feel nervous (which will diminish with time as you distance yourself) or he can come waltzing in crying and scaring the kids.

Just keep in mind he brought this entirely upon himself.

RainingButtons

Thankyou... honestly this makes me feel a lot better. He’s not responded- I had a feeling he wouldn’t and I suspect he will ghost us for a while now. His usual pattern. Then he will try to pretend nothing happened.

but my resolve gets stronger every time this sort of thing happens and I’m ok with no longer putting his feelings as priority over ours.

Ariesagain

Good for you! If it helps, his “feelings” aren’t authentic anymore. They’re booze mirages and it’s entirely possible he won’t remember any of this today. You don’t need to respect someone’s “feelings” when they’re created by his drinking, especially when they’re being used to try to manipulate you and your children.

Rella927

RainingButtons keep standing ground with him as others have said his "feelings" are not authentic.

I know this from dealing with alcoholism in my family and currently trying to help my brothers’ girlfriend to no avail as she is crashing into the idea of the person, she feels my brother is when he is sober. I just pray that she will wake up before something terrible happens. Feelings with an A are just about them no one else...

I like the suggestion above of having your attorney send a letter to him on where you stand regarding him coming to the house.


Keep moving forward!

RainingButtons

Thankyou guys - I’ve said it before but it’s so true - this forum has given me such a needed safe place to vent, blog what’s going on and get very sage advice.

Ive not heard from STBXAH since I sent that text. He has text the children - just a few words - how are you etc but he’s not replied to me. I actually didn’t expect him to. His usual way is to go silent and then to try to pick up from nowhere and pretend at some point it was never said.

so I agree the letter from the solicitor might be needed in this case.

mylifeismine

RB, he is going to keep testing you to see if you really mean it and to see if he
can "break" you and have control again and change your mind about divorce.
I believe you can expect him to ramp up his manipulative behavior as it very
slowly becomes evident to him that things are going to change.

Do you have a ring doorbell- those things that show you who is at the door and
provide video and audio of people at your door? I highly recommend you
investing in one tomorrow. Then, never open your door to him.

Your children's well being comes first. Are they getting any outside counseling
or education about the family disease of alcoholism? (not sure how old they are)
It would be very helpful to them to help understand the chaos and above all,
that it is not their fault and they have done nothing wrong. Introduce them to
the definition of maudlin & how they can expect to see more displays of
tearfulness from dad.

Every time he disregards your boundaries- you must follow with an ACTION.
See your solicitor & get a ring doorbell.

Bute

The camera doorbells are great. I purchased one wgen my son was threatening to smash my windows etc.
It takes a short video of who is at your door, but if someone was causing a commotion, you just press record on tge phone app - video evidence!
Remember to also put a sticker notice advising whoever comes to your door, that they are being recorded.
A really good purchase.

Much Love
Bute x

RainingButtons

Well so far he has stayed away! Not attempted to come to my door even once. It’s come to light WHY he was crying that day though! My hunch that it was because I’d sent over financial disclosure requests from my solicitor, was spot on. He probably thought a last ditch attempt at gaining my sympathy would make me hold off. It took MONTHS for his financial statements. I finally got them - well... what he sent was a poor effort only half his accounts were included and I discovered he has had two secret pension funds that he’s been syphoning off into his brothers account!!
how could I have been married for 15 years to a man and not known he had these funds? I’ve no way of knowing how much he’s had - but one transaction was for £10,000

all this time we’ve been apart he has been pleading poverty. The last two years he’s paid me a pittance in child support. He let me pay off marital debts alone and support his children - ive been surviving on benefits and all along he’s had money!!! Money I am entitled to! Not only this but he’s also lied to inland revenue about his business earnings. Said he earned only £400 last year.

Now my solicitor has questioned everything and so yet again we have to wait his response. I’ve said I’ll give him 2 weeks (she said it wasn’t a good idea to put a time limit onto it but sorry I’ve waited long enough) then we apply to court for an order.

my feelings for him are no longer of pity or guilt. So I’m grateful for the truth as now I know I’ve been dealing with both an alcoholic and a covert narcissist too boot. I only feel anger and determination to put this whole sorry saga to bed and move on with my life.

ive started an exercise program and am eating healthily too. No more comfort eating and blaming it on the divorce - I want to feel healthier and start sleeping better.

I’ll update again when I’ve news!

Ariesagain

I’m so glad to hear you’re doing so well! Good for you. I hope you’re close to being done with the process and can finish moving on with your new and improved life.
Congratulations!

trailmix

Well that's quite a lot to find out! It must have been shocking and made you question everything, which is perhaps good in some ways.

What a horrible thing he has done (well many horrible things but this is just a terrible display of who he really is).

Hang in there RB, you are doing so well.