Everyone says I did the right thing...

Old 02-07-2021, 12:20 AM
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Everyone says I did the right thing...

Hi, well this has just been hell. It’s been about six weeks since he passed and I cry every day. logically I know yes you did the right thing, you got him into rehab the first time, this time it was IOP. Which I found last week he only went to 3 sessions and stopped.

I can’t stop the tears, I can’t stop the guilt, what if I said this or maybe if I said or did that it would be different he would be alive.

I miss him so much and in my head just a constant battle, you had to leave and he also didn’t want to come back because he wanted to drink and he couldn’t do that here. I think he was seeing ppl or an ex already, she just got another dui about 3 weeks before he died. So I don’t even know anymore.

I loved him so much. But the alcohol was vicious and nobody deserves that.


I regrets leaving because he died 6 weeks later. Still waiting on autopsy report which is also driving me insane... even though I know he was drinking... it’s just so sad.

I fell into a depression I have no motivation, I didn’t even get out af bed today..... am I ever going to smile again? Was the love even real? all these questions just going around and around in my head and I’m just numb still.... so

this forum has helped in supporting me with the death because it is some heavy sh*t...... but also when I read the forums and I read about, all the basic things that the partner does. the cleaning up, the stressing, the constant worry, the being about to know if they drank even by just a text message, how many more calls and horrible nights would I have had? I didn’t want that but I sure as hell didn’t want him to die either.

I see many on here 20 years in, many say to leave now otherwise you will be stuck for life a miserable one watching the person you love drink to they die.

it was what I thought hell staying away for six weeks, but nothing compared to him dying. I’m alone without him and I hate it of course.....

but also.... if I was there I could only imagine how much he was drinking or how he was. He would have gotten aggressive for sure, it is insane what you deal with on a daily basis, it’s embarrassing, hurtful.....


The right thing for me was done but what about for him? he surely didn’t deserve to die. I haven’t spoken to his kids yet.. it’s been six weeks and I feel like **** about it, but I have been a complete new and when he relapsed he told me they hate me, stay away, and the last time they saw me was when supposedly the fist time he drank. I didn’t want to bring that me or back. My therapist says I should worry about talking to them but I feel like items wrong, but also.. they might blame me?

Thanks for any feedback..... and my heart goes out to everyone else that has someone with a problem you love.... hardest thing to watch. ❤️





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Old 02-07-2021, 04:31 AM
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You couldn’t make him stop drinking when he was with you anymore than you could when he was on his own.

He was an adult with the right to make his own choices, even if we know they were harmful. We aren’t powerful enough to control others even if we try to do so out of love.

Be kind to yourself. I think you made the right choice—really the only choice— that was healthy for both of you. He chose to quit IOP and return to drinking. He had professional support but he wanted to drink more than stay sober. Neither you or his kids being with him or not would have changed this decision once he had made it.
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Old 02-07-2021, 11:53 AM
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Sorry for typos

I was crying typing and it won’t let me edit it
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Old 02-07-2021, 12:33 PM
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Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed the final outcome. Many of us stayed for years (I did) without their partners seeking sobriety. There are also forums for widows and widowers.

I don't know if his children will blame you. YOu have no more control over them than you did over your partner.
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Old 02-07-2021, 02:30 PM
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What Hawk and Velma say is so true, you couldn't make him stop. Nothing you could say or do would make him stop.

My Father was an alcoholic. He was married the first time to someone and had 3 children. He came home from work one time and they were all gone, one daughter and two sons. He never heard from his sons again.

So he quit drinking.

Not really. Later, he married my Mother, they had us, the marriage was rocky (at best), so he quit drinking.

Not really.

My Mother eventually divorced him and we still saw him from time to time. He got older, most of his friends were gone, so he quit drinking.

Not really.

See how it goes? I don't know what his first wife was like, she was probably a nice person I guess, my Mom certainly was, I mean a genuinely good person. They were married for about 20 years. She was a great Mother, kind, funny, adventurous and he did love her in his own way, I'm sure. But nothing NOTHING stopped him from drinking.

The right thing for me was done but what about for him?
Yes, you did the right thing, as is said around here, you don't start yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. For him? No, he didn't deserve to have his life ruined by alcohol and whatever other issues he had, no one does, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen anyway. He was an alcoholic and chose to drink, for whatever his reasons were. We must respect other people's decisions, even if we don't think they are right and even if we don't like them.



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Old 02-08-2021, 10:48 AM
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Mine didnt die as far as I know she is still alive. Havent seen or spoken to her in over a year now & prior to that little contact for the past several years.

From what I know she is still doing what she always did - she does all what addicts do. Doesnt matter how much crazy sht happens to her or how much she looses - her life absolutely never changes. There is nothing anyone can do to help her. She does not want to help herself. She loves her addicted self more than anything else in life.

You could not save him anymore than I could save her.

I totally understand your hurt. Im sorry for your loss.
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
You couldn’t make him stop drinking when he was with you anymore than you could when he was on his own.

He was an adult with the right to make his own choices, even if we know they were harmful. We aren’t powerful enough to control others even if we try to do so out of love.

Be kind to yourself. I think you made the right choice—really the only choice— that was healthy for both of you. He chose to quit IOP and return to drinking. He had professional support but he wanted to drink more than stay sober. Neither you or his kids being with him or not would have changed this decision once he had made it.
thank you. I will read these when my brain is loosing it again daily. Lol. I appreciate it.
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:40 PM
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You could not save him anymore than I could save her.

I totally understand your hurt. Im sorry for your loss.[/QUOTE]

thank you. Logic pops in more when I read the forums.
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:44 PM
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thank you for sharing. I know it was pattern. It happened so fast. hopefully it will balance out in my head. I have to keep reading and pounding it in my head a lot these days.
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Mine didnt die as far as I know she is still alive. Havent seen or spoken to her in over a year now & prior to that little contact for the past several years.

From what I know she is still doing what she always did - she does all what addicts do. Doesnt matter how much crazy sht happens to her or how much she looses - her life absolutely never changes. There is nothing anyone can do to help her. She does not want to help herself. She loves her addicted self more than anything else in life.

You could not save him anymore than I could save her.

I totally understand your hurt. Im sorry for your loss.
I replied but I’m new here I don’t think inside it right
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:52 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
What Hawk and Velma say is so true, you couldn't make him stop. Nothing you could say or do would make him stop.

My Father was an alcoholic. He was married the first time to someone and had 3 children. He came home from work one time and they were all gone, one daughter and two sons. He never heard from his sons again.

So he quit drinking.

Not really. Later, he married my Mother, they had us, the marriage was rocky (at best), so he quit drinking.

Not really.

My Mother eventually divorced him and we still saw him from time to time. He got older, most of his friends were gone, so he quit drinking.

Not really.

See how it goes? I don't know what his first wife was like, she was probably a nice person I guess, my Mom certainly was, I mean a genuinely good person. They were married for about 20 years. She was a great Mother, kind, funny, adventurous and he did love her in his own way, I'm sure. But nothing NOTHING stopped him from drinking.



Yes, you did the right thing, as is said around here, you don't start yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. For him? No, he didn't deserve to have his life ruined by alcohol and whatever other issues he had, no one does, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen anyway. He was an alcoholic and chose to drink, for whatever his reasons were. We must respect other people's decisions, even if we don't think they are right and even if we don't like them.
I replied back to you but it put it a not reply to message... I don’t know how to reply without having the thing someone wrote and then my reply... new here sorry

but thank you this! The pattern I have to remember. Yes it was a pattern. that side helps the truth in more. I’m trying here. It’s so hard. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and it’s in so many houses but never talked about. I can’t talk to my friends about all this they will think I lost my mind dating after all the stuff before rehab... I should have listen to those red-flags.... but I was head over heels it was crazy! it just sucks. Because remove that alcohol, he was perfect for me. we did love each other... or I definitely did...

it would have kept happening I know that... sigh
the death thoigh, it’s going to be two months and i am still numb and out of it. With therapy! No less.

pain like nothing before
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
What Hawk and Velma say is so true, you couldn't make him stop. Nothing you could say or do would make him stop.

My Father was an alcoholic. He was married the first time to someone and had 3 children. He came home from work one time and they were all gone, one daughter and two sons. He never heard from his sons again.

So he quit drinking.

Not really. Later, he married my Mother, they had us, the marriage was rocky (at best), so he quit drinking.

Not really.

My Mother eventually divorced him and we still saw him from time to time. He got older, most of his friends were gone, so he quit drinking.

Not really.

See how it goes? I don't know what his first wife was like, she was probably a nice person I guess, my Mom certainly was, I mean a genuinely good person. They were married for about 20 years. She was a great Mother, kind, funny, adventurous and he did love her in his own way, I'm sure. But nothing NOTHING stopped him from drinking.



Yes, you did the right thing, as is said around here, you don't start yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. For him? No, he didn't deserve to have his life ruined by alcohol and whatever other issues he had, no one does, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen anyway. He was an alcoholic and chose to drink, for whatever his reasons were. We must respect other people's decisions, even if we don't think they are right and even if we don't like them.
I replied back to you but it put it a not reply to message... I don’t know how to reply without having the thing someone wrote and then my reply... new here sorry

but thank you this! The pattern I have to remember. Yes it was a pattern. that side helps the truth in more. I’m trying here. It’s so hard. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and it’s in so many houses but never talked about. I can’t talk to my friends about all this they will think I lost my mind dating after all the stuff before rehab... I should have listen to those red-flags.... but I was head over heels it was crazy! it just sucks. Because remove that alcohol, he was perfect for me. we did love each other... or I definitely did...

it would have kept happening I know that... sigh
the death thoigh, it’s going to be two months and i am still numb and out of it. With therapy! No less.

pain like nothing before

thanks again 🙏 I appreciate the wit in the post too lol made me laugh (much needed)
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Old 02-08-2021, 09:56 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Many of us stayed for years (I did) without their partners seeking sobriety. There are also forums for widows and widowers.

I don't know if his children will blame you. YOu have no more control over them than you did over your partner.

yes! I can see how easy it is to stay and get people look at you like your crazy. Yes red flags. But who wants to see someone they love hurt! it was hell not talking to him... and will forever be.

So you left and you still come back here? This definitely does change you
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Old 02-09-2021, 11:11 AM
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Ugh J. Yep, "Pain like nothing before." It is decades later and I still remember that pain. It felt like I glowed in the dark I hurt so much.

The experience with my qualifier did permanently change me even after the pain receded. I continue to change in ways I could never imagine. Most of us, through our relationships with alcoholics, gain an understanding and humility that we didn't have before. It is a view of a reality of human relationship that you can't have without the experience.

In spite of acquired wisdom, I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy.

Please keep getting through the days the best you can. It will hurt way longer than you want. However each 24 hour passage of time, is a victory.

Let us know how you get on.
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Old 02-17-2021, 08:04 PM
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[QUOTE=Bekindalways;7589256]

I am sorry for your lost too. ❤️

I was just thinking this which made me log onto here... society are assholes! My one friend said it hurts that he still hurts you after he died.... I’m like.. yeah... and then I’m like wait... Nono deserves to die, and if you see someone going through that you don’t wish that on anyone. I hate the stigma that it comes with. But I used to be one of those... part of me still is not gonna lie... but there is also a huge lack of supply for help, it’s not as easy as everyone thinks. staying sober is possible but you have to fight. It doesn’t help that a liquor store is on every corner... it’s upsetting to me how quickly it can take over.

Well I just had two good days back to back we’re only like one small crying session. So that’s a plus. Today however half good day... I’m learning I can’t do **** about how I’m going to heal I can’t rush it I can’t force it. pain is insane, so all I can do is day by day, sometimes minute by minute. But thank you for commenting it is so comforting to know that there are others out there because it’s something you really can’t talk about it’s shamed upon. And then it’s like we can’t grieve because they had an addiction? No he still was a person. so that’s annoying.

Day by day 🙏
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Old 02-17-2021, 09:32 PM
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Good to see your post tonight J.

I think about the death and suffering that alcohol has caused and really understand how Prohibition came to be. It was a good idea. From what I understand it didn't work but it sure was worth a try.

Originally Posted by J109 View Post
I’m learning I can’t do **** about how I’m going to heal I can’t rush it I can’t force it. pain is insane, so all I can do is day by day, sometimes minute by minute. But thank you for commenting it is so comforting to know that there are others out there because it’s something you really can’t talk about it’s shamed upon. And then it’s like we can’t grieve because they had an addiction? No he still was a person. so that’s annoying.

Day by day 🙏
This here ^^^^ is so well put. And yeah, you can't really talk to people who haven't been through it. They won't get it. Even if they want to be supportive and helpful, they won't know how . . . . and truthfully there is no cure for your pain except time.

So so sorry J. Even knowing what I said about there being no cure, I hate that there is nothing for your pain. I wish there was.

Please accept a mostly useless internet-hug and may all the angels of the universe bombard you.
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Old 02-18-2021, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
The right thing for me was done but what about for him? he surely didn’t deserve to die. I haven’t spoken to his kids yet.. it’s been six weeks and I feel like **** about it, but I have been a complete new and when he relapsed he told me they hate me, stay away, and the last time they saw me was when supposedly the fist time he drank. I didn’t want to bring that me or back. My therapist says I should worry about talking to them but I feel like items wrong, but also.. they might blame me?
I'm so sorry for your loss, I haven't been through this myself, but I'm glad you're able to reach out for support. What I can comment on is that doing the right thing for yourself is also doing the right thing for him. He was the one who made the choice to drink, even after receiving help. You are not going to be able to help someone else if you are hurting too much to care for yourself. This wasn't a case of your giving up or abandoning him. You had been in a drawn out fight for his health, and needed time to recover your strength. If your presence didn't cause or stop his drinking, how could your absence?

As for his kids, I would give it time. People lash out when they're grieving. Not only that, but your message said he was the one who told you it's your fault and they hate you, not them. I can't comment on how they feel, since I don't know. But shifting blame for drinking and pain onto a partner, and isolating them from family is very classic alcoholic/ abuser action. They may harbor ill feelings towards you, or it may not be as bad as he made it seem.

Either way, remember that you acted with both of your best interests at heart. It's easy to look back on past actions with current knowledge, and feel like they were incorrect. You need to remember you didn't have that knowledge at the time though. You did what was best for both of you, with the knowledge you had at the time, even if the current outcome feels like that isn't the case.

Keep reaching out for support. There's lots of loving people with a lot more experience in this than I have that can help you process your feelings. You'll get through this.
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Old 02-18-2021, 10:02 AM
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I just want to pick up on something Cookie just said:

Originally Posted by Cookie314 View Post
You are not going to be able to help someone else if you are hurting too much to care for yourself.
This is so true. In relationships, regardless of whether they are siblings, or friends or romantic relationships, there has to be some kind of balance. Well there doesn't HAVE to be and of course in the case of a relationship with someone in active addiction, there often isn't.

We are not set up to be in one sided relationships. It is draining, emotionally, physically, mentally. When there is no balance, none of those things are replenished. You give and give and support and support and get beaten up (emotionally) and there is no off-set to that. So where does that leave you? Drained, sad, worn down.

It is pretty much impossible to carry on that way with your mind telling you all this is wrong and you need to save yourself. This is wise though, you DO need to look out for yourself and as Cookie mentioned, at some point you are unable to look after anyone else.

That is why it is often said here, to take care of yourself. Eat well, talk to friends, post here!, get sleep when you can, get outside whenever possible, meditate etc (if you are in to that kind of thing) and distract yourself with entertainment sometimes to give your mind (and feelings) a break.

There will be brighter days ahead, as you can see you are already healing, but it will take time and there will be days where it feels like you are not making progress or you are stepping back, but those will pass as well. It's just important to be kind to yourself so you can push that healing forward as well.

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