Alcohol destroyed my marriage
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Alcohol destroyed my marriage
I don't think I have ever said that before! But getting out of the situation it has become so clear.
ALL of our issues link back to his dependence on alchohol, ciggarettes and recreational drugs. I was trying to make sense of it all. All the ways I was trying to understand it - maybe I just married a selfish man, maybe I AM too controlling and too needy, he just didn't adjust well to parenthood and needed to escape, we are just too different and haven't grown together etc etc. It is all total BS! Well maybe there is also some personality stuff (selfishness/narcissism is present for sure - but what came first?!)
His addictions were everything to him.
They were his driving force.
His true loves.
His reason for living.
And guess what? They still are. I know it may seem a bit immature/pointless but I have been keeping track of his benders. Since we split in October, he has had about 13 benders. When I say benders, I mean drinking sessions that have gone for at least 7 hours and on half of those occasions he has had weed and/or cocaine. Yes, he tells me. That's one thing about him, he has always been really honest.
Another big session yesterday with the other alchoholic he hangs with. He told me today at handover, I said geez you look a big hungover (he looked awful) and he said he had a session with that guy - the one he spent all that time with while we were married that caused big issues for us. I always wondered what the appeal was. And now I know that it is not about who that guy is, it is not about catching up with a 'friend' because you genuinely want to keep up with what was going on with them. No.....it is purely because he knows this guy won't hold him accountable, won't question his poor choices, normalises the devaluing of wives and kids and enables drinking and partying as king.
Alcohol ruined my marriage. It is clear as day.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I held a mirror up. I questioned his behaviour. And that is the worst thing you can do to a committed substance abuser.
Alchohol (and ciggarettes and drugs) ruined my marriage. Absoutely no doubt about it.
ALL of our issues link back to his dependence on alchohol, ciggarettes and recreational drugs. I was trying to make sense of it all. All the ways I was trying to understand it - maybe I just married a selfish man, maybe I AM too controlling and too needy, he just didn't adjust well to parenthood and needed to escape, we are just too different and haven't grown together etc etc. It is all total BS! Well maybe there is also some personality stuff (selfishness/narcissism is present for sure - but what came first?!)
His addictions were everything to him.
They were his driving force.
His true loves.
His reason for living.
And guess what? They still are. I know it may seem a bit immature/pointless but I have been keeping track of his benders. Since we split in October, he has had about 13 benders. When I say benders, I mean drinking sessions that have gone for at least 7 hours and on half of those occasions he has had weed and/or cocaine. Yes, he tells me. That's one thing about him, he has always been really honest.
Another big session yesterday with the other alchoholic he hangs with. He told me today at handover, I said geez you look a big hungover (he looked awful) and he said he had a session with that guy - the one he spent all that time with while we were married that caused big issues for us. I always wondered what the appeal was. And now I know that it is not about who that guy is, it is not about catching up with a 'friend' because you genuinely want to keep up with what was going on with them. No.....it is purely because he knows this guy won't hold him accountable, won't question his poor choices, normalises the devaluing of wives and kids and enables drinking and partying as king.
Alcohol ruined my marriage. It is clear as day.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I held a mirror up. I questioned his behaviour. And that is the worst thing you can do to a committed substance abuser.
Alchohol (and ciggarettes and drugs) ruined my marriage. Absoutely no doubt about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The good news is you are aware as sober (i think?).
The bad news is...(I think you know this, you are venting).....
Until the addict is ready to quit, there is no stopping them.
Some folks can't stop and the addiction will destroy them.
I don't know what other people feel like when they try to quit, but for me quitting being a drunk was a living hell on earth.
The brain damage is permanent and the crave morphs into whatever will get the drugs into the system.
You can't change your alky. Only they can change.
It sounds like he is far from ready. Been there.
Thanks.
The bad news is...(I think you know this, you are venting).....
Until the addict is ready to quit, there is no stopping them.
Some folks can't stop and the addiction will destroy them.
I don't know what other people feel like when they try to quit, but for me quitting being a drunk was a living hell on earth.
The brain damage is permanent and the crave morphs into whatever will get the drugs into the system.
You can't change your alky. Only they can change.
It sounds like he is far from ready. Been there.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There is no point in telling him this. He is neither ready nor willing to hear it. But do examine the impulse to tell him, and what you expect telling him to accomplish. Down that road lies true freedom from the dysfunction alcohol has wrought in your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Thank you for your replies, that makes a lot of sense. And yes I think I am venting because I am not able to say these things to anyone in my world as I am protecting my kids at this stage.
Our relationship is over, it is time to let him go down his own path now without my interference.
I feel like telling him might plant a seed (however tiny) to set him on an eventual path to recovery. It is for my kids sake that I would like him to see the light - the reality is they are still being brought up 50 % of the time by someone with an alcohol dependency and I worry about how that will impact them down the track. But as you all say on this board, there is no way of getting them to see it until they are ready to see it. Which may never happen. I have to accept that.
Our relationship is over, it is time to let him go down his own path now without my interference.
I feel like telling him might plant a seed (however tiny) to set him on an eventual path to recovery. It is for my kids sake that I would like him to see the light - the reality is they are still being brought up 50 % of the time by someone with an alcohol dependency and I worry about how that will impact them down the track. But as you all say on this board, there is no way of getting them to see it until they are ready to see it. Which may never happen. I have to accept that.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 9
It sounds like he knows that, if he's admitted to benders and "sessions" with other alcoholics and doing coke and smoking weed. I think you know that, too, even if you're just now admitting that to yourself, or saying it out loud.
It's weird, I think there's a cognitive dissonance we friends and family members have where we want to believe it's anything else other than the alcohol. I suppose because if we believe it's something else, then maybe we would have more control over changing it, or changing the person who's exhibiting the very problematic behavior. But we don't.
It's weird, I think there's a cognitive dissonance we friends and family members have where we want to believe it's anything else other than the alcohol. I suppose because if we believe it's something else, then maybe we would have more control over changing it, or changing the person who's exhibiting the very problematic behavior. But we don't.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
At some level he knows this. I would carefully consider saying anything to thicken the tension between you since you have to co-parent with him.
All you’ve said so far hasn’t made him quit. The seed has to come from within him, and he has to want to nurture it.
All you’ve said so far hasn’t made him quit. The seed has to come from within him, and he has to want to nurture it.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi forevertoolong
I had to double check the name of the poster of this thread because on reading it I thought maybe I had written it!! Your story resonates so deeply with mine.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I believe that telling him these things only reinforces the dynamic you find yourselves in and I don't think it will benefit you. I found owning my feelings incredibly liberating. The day I told my husband directly, while looking him in the eye "I am jealous of your new girlfriend.I find it really difficult when and I see the two of you driving around together in our van with our kids".
Something about doing that liberated me. I no longer felt physical sensations (the desperate need to vomit) when I saw them together. I didn't tell him he made me feel bad. I didn't blame him for my feelings. I owned it.
It was a really, really hard thing for me to do but I am so glad I did it. I do not want to have feelings of resentment, blame, judgement, or jealousy. My husband is not responsible for my feelings.
Your husband will do what he does. Somewhere deep down he knows alcohol ruined everything, not just the marriage. You telling him again, because I'm sure you have told him before, will only reinforce the story he tells himself.
Owning your most unpleasant feelings will be way more beneficial to you than pointing out his failings.
It's hard and it's horrible but it is liberating.
I had to double check the name of the poster of this thread because on reading it I thought maybe I had written it!! Your story resonates so deeply with mine.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I believe that telling him these things only reinforces the dynamic you find yourselves in and I don't think it will benefit you. I found owning my feelings incredibly liberating. The day I told my husband directly, while looking him in the eye "I am jealous of your new girlfriend.I find it really difficult when and I see the two of you driving around together in our van with our kids".
Something about doing that liberated me. I no longer felt physical sensations (the desperate need to vomit) when I saw them together. I didn't tell him he made me feel bad. I didn't blame him for my feelings. I owned it.
It was a really, really hard thing for me to do but I am so glad I did it. I do not want to have feelings of resentment, blame, judgement, or jealousy. My husband is not responsible for my feelings.
Your husband will do what he does. Somewhere deep down he knows alcohol ruined everything, not just the marriage. You telling him again, because I'm sure you have told him before, will only reinforce the story he tells himself.
Owning your most unpleasant feelings will be way more beneficial to you than pointing out his failings.
It's hard and it's horrible but it is liberating.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Amaranth 
Hi forevertoolong
I had to double check the name of the poster of this thread because on reading it I thought maybe I had written it!! Your story resonates so deeply with mine.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I believe that telling him these things only reinforces the dynamic you find yourselves in and I don't think it will benefit you. I found owning my feelings incredibly liberating. The day I told my husband directly, while looking him in the eye "I am jealous of your new girlfriend.I find it really difficult when and I see the two of you driving around together in our van with our kids".
Something about doing that liberated me. I no longer felt physical sensations (the desperate need to vomit) when I saw them together. I didn't tell him he made me feel bad. I didn't blame him for my feelings. I owned it.
It was a really, really hard thing for me to do but I am so glad I did it. I do not want to have feelings of resentment, blame, judgement, or jealousy. My husband is not responsible for my feelings.
Your husband will do what he does. Somewhere deep down he knows alcohol ruined everything, not just the marriage. You telling him again, because I'm sure you have told him before, will only reinforce the story he tells himself.
Owning your most unpleasant feelings will be way more beneficial to you than pointing out his failings.
It's hard and it's horrible but it is liberating.
I had to double check the name of the poster of this thread because on reading it I thought maybe I had written it!! Your story resonates so deeply with mine.
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all thet ime and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
I believe that telling him these things only reinforces the dynamic you find yourselves in and I don't think it will benefit you. I found owning my feelings incredibly liberating. The day I told my husband directly, while looking him in the eye "I am jealous of your new girlfriend.I find it really difficult when and I see the two of you driving around together in our van with our kids".
Something about doing that liberated me. I no longer felt physical sensations (the desperate need to vomit) when I saw them together. I didn't tell him he made me feel bad. I didn't blame him for my feelings. I owned it.
It was a really, really hard thing for me to do but I am so glad I did it. I do not want to have feelings of resentment, blame, judgement, or jealousy. My husband is not responsible for my feelings.
Your husband will do what he does. Somewhere deep down he knows alcohol ruined everything, not just the marriage. You telling him again, because I'm sure you have told him before, will only reinforce the story he tells himself.
Owning your most unpleasant feelings will be way more beneficial to you than pointing out his failings.
It's hard and it's horrible but it is liberating.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
I want to tell him that? Should I? Is there any point letting him know that? The story he tells himself is that I was controlling and things had to be my way all the time and that I grew in a different way to him. What a load of rubbish.
What he told you, that he thinks you are controlling (ie: he wants to drink more than you want him to), that he is a "Jack the Lad" that he never wanted children etc etc. that's his truth. He wants to drink and he wants to drink when he wants to.
You may not like it, or understand how anyone could think that way but it is his truth, his addiction, still. While being a binging alcoholic instead of a family man may, to many, many people seem like madness, to him it's not, at least not right now.
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Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
Do you really think he knows deep down that alcohol destroyed the marriage? I am not sure he does.
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Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
Do you really think he knows deep down that alcohol destroyed the marriage? I am not sure he does.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think it literally does not matter what he knows or doesn’t know. All that matters right now is what YOU know.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
In addition to this being immaterial to your own peace of mind, are you imagining that if he knew this that he would then give up the booze?
Thanks for the truth telling everyone, it was needed.
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Sorry for what you are going through, Forever Too Long.
Boy, I needed to read this thread with the raw, honest replies today.
Thank you all. I used to catch myself pontificating to my drinking hubby as if I was God!! Lecturing him on what he was doing to our marriage with his drinking! Well first off, he was fully aware as he is not an idiot.
Also I needed to rephrased it - I was choosing to be around a person who acted that way.
Also the pure arrogance of me! Mrs Perfect!! Blush!! Haha!
Boy, I needed to read this thread with the raw, honest replies today.
Thank you all. I used to catch myself pontificating to my drinking hubby as if I was God!! Lecturing him on what he was doing to our marriage with his drinking! Well first off, he was fully aware as he is not an idiot.
Also I needed to rephrased it - I was choosing to be around a person who acted that way.
Also the pure arrogance of me! Mrs Perfect!! Blush!! Haha!
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
ForeverTooLong, you said, "I always wondered what the appeal was. And now I know that it is not about who that guy is, it is not about catching up with a 'friend' because you genuinely want to keep up with what was going on with them. No.....it is purely because he knows this guy won't hold him accountable, won't question his poor choices, normalises the devaluing of wives and kids and enables drinking and partying as king."
This was so helpful for me. My Q always hung out with a particular drinking friend and I used to constantly compare myself to this guy. And get so upset why he would choose to be with this guy and not me. But it's exactly what you said above. Exactly.
This was so helpful for me. My Q always hung out with a particular drinking friend and I used to constantly compare myself to this guy. And get so upset why he would choose to be with this guy and not me. But it's exactly what you said above. Exactly.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Forevertoolong
ALL of our issues link back to his dependence on alchohol, ciggarettes and recreational drugs. I was trying to make sense of it all. All the ways I was trying to understand it - maybe I just married a selfish man, maybe I AM too controlling and too needy, he just didn't adjust well to parenthood and needed to escape, we are just too different and haven't grown together etc etc. It is all total BS! Well maybe there is also some personality stuff (selfishness/narcissism is present for sure - but what came first?!)
I found that asking him to make changes usually made the situation worse, he would become angry and resentful and it would often lead to him just drinking and doing more drugs. A couple of days ago he told me he wanted to go into treatment, and I am still not sure how seriously I should take him. Being here and getting insight from others who have been in the same situation has helped me understand that I don't have control over the situation and the best thing we can do for our loved ones is let them make their own choices and not to force them into anything they aren't ready for because they will just go back to their old habits as quickly as they did before.
I hope for the best for you and your family, it sounds like you have a very good understanding of your husband's behavior and are aware that he may not be ready to make healthy choices. As rough as it is to face, I think you just have to sit back and let him make his choices.
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Originally Posted by marissa06
Hi there, my own situation is somewhat similar although my boyfriend and I are not married and do not have children. I can imagine how stressful this situation must be for you. It's heartbreaking to love someone who chooses drugs and alcohol over their relationships. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong in my relationship, I told myself I worried too much and that I was selfish and needy but the truth is its our partners who are being selfish and needy.
I found that asking him to make changes usually made the situation worse, he would become angry and resentful and it would often lead to him just drinking and doing more drugs. A couple of days ago he told me he wanted to go into treatment, and I am still not sure how seriously I should take him. Being here and getting insight from others who have been in the same situation has helped me understand that I don't have control over the situation and the best thing we can do for our loved ones is let them make their own choices and not to force them into anything they aren't ready for because they will just go back to their old habits as quickly as they did before.
I hope for the best for you and your family, it sounds like you have a very good understanding of your husband's behavior and are aware that he may not be ready to make healthy choices. As rough as it is to face, I think you just have to sit back and let him make his choices.
I found that asking him to make changes usually made the situation worse, he would become angry and resentful and it would often lead to him just drinking and doing more drugs. A couple of days ago he told me he wanted to go into treatment, and I am still not sure how seriously I should take him. Being here and getting insight from others who have been in the same situation has helped me understand that I don't have control over the situation and the best thing we can do for our loved ones is let them make their own choices and not to force them into anything they aren't ready for because they will just go back to their old habits as quickly as they did before.
I hope for the best for you and your family, it sounds like you have a very good understanding of your husband's behavior and are aware that he may not be ready to make healthy choices. As rough as it is to face, I think you just have to sit back and let him make his choices.
What you say is so accurate. Any small request to reflect on what he was doing and consider making changes was always met with such anger and contempt towards me. That's why I am where I am.
I am happier, so much happier and so much more peaceful. But I just wish I could walk away and leave him to his choices without having to have a front row seat to them.
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