Adjusting to a new normal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Adjusting to a new normal
Hi All,
Tonight was interesting on a couple levels. First off, my daughter blew up at me tonight. She hasn't done this since the summer. I could see her, eyes welling up with tears and she laid into me about how difficult going back and forth between me and her mom is. How upset she gets when I am having my, "therapy calls", and why we didn't get her more help sooner. I sat in my chair, listening to her, she was a mess. I stood up and hugged her and eventually she hugged me back and tucked into me. It made me realize she needs more support. We stopped counselling about 6 months ago, because she didn't want to talk about mama and from what the counsellor said, she wasn't engaging. I have put out a call to my alanon friends to let me know if anyone has a link to an online alateen meeting. She needs one. I will also call the treatment centre in our area and get something set up for her asap.
The second part of this interaction sent me down my own rabbit hole about how much things in this house have changed for us. I can't imagine how hard it is for my little girl to go to bed every night without her mama. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this. How we will never again all be stuffed into the bathroom, brushing our teeth together. For me also, this reality is heartbreaking in this moment. Sometimes it feels like I will always be sad and missing her and what we had.
Tonight was interesting on a couple levels. First off, my daughter blew up at me tonight. She hasn't done this since the summer. I could see her, eyes welling up with tears and she laid into me about how difficult going back and forth between me and her mom is. How upset she gets when I am having my, "therapy calls", and why we didn't get her more help sooner. I sat in my chair, listening to her, she was a mess. I stood up and hugged her and eventually she hugged me back and tucked into me. It made me realize she needs more support. We stopped counselling about 6 months ago, because she didn't want to talk about mama and from what the counsellor said, she wasn't engaging. I have put out a call to my alanon friends to let me know if anyone has a link to an online alateen meeting. She needs one. I will also call the treatment centre in our area and get something set up for her asap.
The second part of this interaction sent me down my own rabbit hole about how much things in this house have changed for us. I can't imagine how hard it is for my little girl to go to bed every night without her mama. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this. How we will never again all be stuffed into the bathroom, brushing our teeth together. For me also, this reality is heartbreaking in this moment. Sometimes it feels like I will always be sad and missing her and what we had.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I wish addiction didn’t destroy the peace and cohesion of families, in addition to the harm to the addict themselves.
I wish parents who didn’t grow up with an alcoholic parent understood how much damage continued exposure to the alcoholic family dynamic causes children, and that such damage lasts a lifetime for many of us.
Woodland, I know you and your daughter miss your ex, but you did the right thing in separating from her and in being with and acknowledging your daughter’s pain at that loss. She can heal in your now-safe household and your honest support. She had to walk on eggshells, and live in fear of what her drunk mother would do or say to her, as well as suppress her feelings to keep up a false pubic “normalcy” in her former living situation (it hardly can be called a “home” without safety and a volatile dysfunctional alcoholic parent).
I wish the parents who are reading that still somehow believe that keeping children in an unpredictable household with active addiction would look at the research and act on the uncomfortable truth that they aren’t able to “protect” their kids from increasing hurt and harm living full-time with an addict who will only get worse without treatment.
I wish I had had a father like you woodland, who took the hard choice to save me from my toxic alcoholic mother, despite the pain and difficulty of such a move.
I didn’t, and have had a lifetime of trying to fix myself—at 56, still a work in progress.
I wish parents who didn’t grow up with an alcoholic parent understood how much damage continued exposure to the alcoholic family dynamic causes children, and that such damage lasts a lifetime for many of us.
Woodland, I know you and your daughter miss your ex, but you did the right thing in separating from her and in being with and acknowledging your daughter’s pain at that loss. She can heal in your now-safe household and your honest support. She had to walk on eggshells, and live in fear of what her drunk mother would do or say to her, as well as suppress her feelings to keep up a false pubic “normalcy” in her former living situation (it hardly can be called a “home” without safety and a volatile dysfunctional alcoholic parent).
I wish the parents who are reading that still somehow believe that keeping children in an unpredictable household with active addiction would look at the research and act on the uncomfortable truth that they aren’t able to “protect” their kids from increasing hurt and harm living full-time with an addict who will only get worse without treatment.
I wish I had had a father like you woodland, who took the hard choice to save me from my toxic alcoholic mother, despite the pain and difficulty of such a move.
I didn’t, and have had a lifetime of trying to fix myself—at 56, still a work in progress.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
I have put out a call to my alanon friends to let me know if anyone has a link to an online alateen meeting. She needs one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
There are a ton of resources online thankfully. You can try searching for a virtual meeting with alanon here (I'm still new here, so i had to space the links out a bit, just put them back together)
https://
al-anon
.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
Just select the checkboxes that work for you for time, platform, etc.
She might also like using discord, which is a platform I enjoy. If she likes playing video games, it can be run in the background, or ran by itself. It's free and can be used as an app or through the browser. I found an alateen group here, though I don't know what they're like personally since I haven't joined them myself.
https://
disboard
.org/server/662001178649034753
I'm sorry you guys have been struggling through this. Alcoholism is challenging enough to deal with as an adult, I'm sure being a teen in this situation adds a new layer of difficulty.
Thankfully, a positive side of covid is that it has increased the availability of virtual support. She can find many communities online that fit for her. You can even try searching for things together (like I mentioned gaming, so looking for groups who share interests in gaming but are an open platform for people also struggling with alcoholism, etc) that let her talk to people who share other interests with her might help her open up more about her other struggles.
Good luck with all of this! I know this is painful, but it sounds like you're doing your best to provide her a loving and supportive environment. Take time to care for yourself and each other, and don't be afraid to reach out for support.
https://
al-anon
.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
Just select the checkboxes that work for you for time, platform, etc.
She might also like using discord, which is a platform I enjoy. If she likes playing video games, it can be run in the background, or ran by itself. It's free and can be used as an app or through the browser. I found an alateen group here, though I don't know what they're like personally since I haven't joined them myself.
https://
disboard
.org/server/662001178649034753
I'm sorry you guys have been struggling through this. Alcoholism is challenging enough to deal with as an adult, I'm sure being a teen in this situation adds a new layer of difficulty.
Thankfully, a positive side of covid is that it has increased the availability of virtual support. She can find many communities online that fit for her. You can even try searching for things together (like I mentioned gaming, so looking for groups who share interests in gaming but are an open platform for people also struggling with alcoholism, etc) that let her talk to people who share other interests with her might help her open up more about her other struggles.
Good luck with all of this! I know this is painful, but it sounds like you're doing your best to provide her a loving and supportive environment. Take time to care for yourself and each other, and don't be afraid to reach out for support.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time. There is just nothing in the world worse than seeing our kids suffer. One thing to remember is you are showing that you don't have to stay in miserable situations, that it is ok to make changes for a better life, and eventually she will see things are better. I think sometimes kids that grow up in long term dysfunctional situations start to believe that they just have to put up with a lot of negative from people in their lives. You are showing her a better path. I think maybe trying to find her another counselor that she connects better with might help. Hang in there, you are doing a great job.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
WL, my heart breaks for both of you. In a way, it's good that she is melting down...better that than her suffering in silence.
This is the part in your post that really concerns me... Your daughter needs to understand to her core that there was nothing she could have done or you could have done that would have changed anything unless your ex wanted to be helped. And she didn’t. I’m very concerned that your wife’s endless drama and guilt-flinging have your daughter taking on waaaaaay too much responsibility here.
I can’t encourage you enough to stage some kind of intervention with your daughter with her therapist. Speaking as a lifelong codependent, your daughter needs real help and as much of it as she can get so that this overdeveloped sense of responsibility doesn’t weigh her down for the rest of her life. She will re-create this in her relationships as an adult. Most of us do, because first, it’s familiar. It feels comfortable, especially since it’s all she’s known. Second, we unconsciously try to go back in time and fix that addicted person by trying to fix a new addicted person. Or persons. It can be a life sentence and you know you want more for her than that.
Your daughter needs help. I really hope you’ll contact as many of those resources these wonderful posters have given you.
I wish you both the best.
This is the part in your post that really concerns me...
why we didn't get her more help sooner.
I can’t encourage you enough to stage some kind of intervention with your daughter with her therapist. Speaking as a lifelong codependent, your daughter needs real help and as much of it as she can get so that this overdeveloped sense of responsibility doesn’t weigh her down for the rest of her life. She will re-create this in her relationships as an adult. Most of us do, because first, it’s familiar. It feels comfortable, especially since it’s all she’s known. Second, we unconsciously try to go back in time and fix that addicted person by trying to fix a new addicted person. Or persons. It can be a life sentence and you know you want more for her than that.
Your daughter needs help. I really hope you’ll contact as many of those resources these wonderful posters have given you.
I wish you both the best.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Although I was a teen when my parents separated and therefore there was no "visitation", going between parents even as a young adult is annoying. You really would probably rather be in one place than the other at any given time, but, in your daughter's case, she has no say in it.
So there is that. The other thing and I'm guessing here, is just like when any relationship "breaks up" there are the good times!! Like anyone, she probably thinks how much easier and better it was when everyone was under one roof. That's not the reality, of course, as you know, however it's easy to sweep aside the "bad times" - which we also know.
Now of course, unlike with adults, you can't just say - don't you remember how awful it was! lol But perhaps with therapy and Al Anon she will come to realize that she is in the best place she can be right now, I hope so.
Meantime, as always, you are doing great here. You really are a great Dad.
So there is that. The other thing and I'm guessing here, is just like when any relationship "breaks up" there are the good times!! Like anyone, she probably thinks how much easier and better it was when everyone was under one roof. That's not the reality, of course, as you know, however it's easy to sweep aside the "bad times" - which we also know.
Now of course, unlike with adults, you can't just say - don't you remember how awful it was! lol But perhaps with therapy and Al Anon she will come to realize that she is in the best place she can be right now, I hope so.
Meantime, as always, you are doing great here. You really are a great Dad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi All,
Thank to the resources you all shared and for the helpful words of guidance and support. I did try the discord app on my laptop but it wasn't working. Will try it on my daughter's phone and hopefully that will work out. As it stands now I have only found one zoom al-ateen meeting at 4pm pacific and it might be tight, but I will show her how to tune in.
I would also like to share with members, new and experienced about an incredible resource I found yesterday in my search to help me through the grief I am experiencing. I happened upon a you tube video by a fellow named, Peter Gerlach.
He has this incredible, free course called, Break the Cycle, it is a not for profit initiative that goes deep into all the topics that come up here, including parenting, identifying the true self, FOO and so much more. Looking at it, it might take years to work through. I started lesson one yesterday, which is looking at some pretty difficult stuff. I am sharing the link. If anyone out there wants to go thru it and have a buddy to work with, I am in!!
http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm
Thank to the resources you all shared and for the helpful words of guidance and support. I did try the discord app on my laptop but it wasn't working. Will try it on my daughter's phone and hopefully that will work out. As it stands now I have only found one zoom al-ateen meeting at 4pm pacific and it might be tight, but I will show her how to tune in.
I would also like to share with members, new and experienced about an incredible resource I found yesterday in my search to help me through the grief I am experiencing. I happened upon a you tube video by a fellow named, Peter Gerlach.
He has this incredible, free course called, Break the Cycle, it is a not for profit initiative that goes deep into all the topics that come up here, including parenting, identifying the true self, FOO and so much more. Looking at it, it might take years to work through. I started lesson one yesterday, which is looking at some pretty difficult stuff. I am sharing the link. If anyone out there wants to go thru it and have a buddy to work with, I am in!!
http://sfhelp.org/site/course.htm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Thought I would update some good news. My daughter attended her first Zoom Al-Ateen meeting tonight. FallenAngelina thanks for the meeting ID numbers. She really enjoyed it and said she wanted to do another meeting. The adult facilitators that set this up, my heart goes out to them, what wonderful people.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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woodlandlost-------want to let you know that I am beginning to explore the link that you gave for "Break The Cycle".....and I am really appreciating it.....
I am just in the beginning---but, from what I see, so far, I think that it would be a wonderful resource for this forum---especially for parents.....as well as everyone else.
I am sending you a PM.
I am just in the beginning---but, from what I see, so far, I think that it would be a wonderful resource for this forum---especially for parents.....as well as everyone else.
I am sending you a PM.
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