Help, exhausted and trying to find the strength
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 5
Help, exhausted and trying to find the strength
I met my husband round 15 years ago and during the first year spent most of our evenings drinking and eating out. I never at this stage suspected that alcohol was going to be that elephant in the room, but I guess by the time we brought our first home together in our second year, I was fully aware that my husband would open a bottle of wine every evening. I would have a small glass occasionally but for the most part my husband would drink a bottle.
Our first son was born 3 years later and I returned to work moving away from my husbands family and closer to my family for help with childcare. During the years that followed we experienced recurrent miscarriage which impacted us both enormously. I struggled as a full-time working mum, whilst attending scans, referral appointments and battling the pain of losing baby after baby. It finally got too much and my husband agreed that I could quit my job to spend some time with my now 3 year old son. This impacted our finances, so my husband took an extremely demanding job which paid well, so that we could continue to afford and live in our home.
I noticed at this time my husband would open the bottle of wine earlier and earlier and I spent the next few years expressing concerns about how much he drank and questioning whether a second bottle had been opened. I guess this is where the lies started and my own denial began.
Skip forward and in 2017 our second son was born. We were overjoyed and began our search for a bigger home to accommodate our growing family. I was working part time and we seemed to be in the perfect position.
We finally moved in 2019 (our finances have been stretched to the very limit but I was ignorant to the very real threat looming).
In June 2020, my husband was suspended from work and our world fell apart. My husband remains on suspension and his employer continues to pay his wages, however, it is inevitable that he will be dismissed. I continue to grievance as much as I can just to extend the inevitable. My husband from the very day of suspension began drinking 3 or more bottles a day and you can only imagine the state he would be in while I was working from home and caring for our two children. His mental health has been severely affected and he is now taking medication for depression.
I wrote in a response to a post recently, how my husband attended a detox clinic in July 2020 and spend a few months sober, but matters have seriously spiralled since then. He no longer drinks wine opting for vodka and large quantities thereof. Everything has crumbled and only recently my husband spent a few days away from the home in a hotel. I pray he will find the strength to battle this horrible disease and have in the last few days sought comfort from this forum. I have read articles, further reading and ordered various books and feel stronger. I guess I'm at the start of my journey figuring out boundaries and if and when I'm prepared to pull the plug on our marriage but I just don't know how you all find the strength. The pain is crippling; I want my husband back, but I'm not sure whether he exists anymore.
Any advise welcome, particularly regarding appropriate boundaries for a young family.
Our first son was born 3 years later and I returned to work moving away from my husbands family and closer to my family for help with childcare. During the years that followed we experienced recurrent miscarriage which impacted us both enormously. I struggled as a full-time working mum, whilst attending scans, referral appointments and battling the pain of losing baby after baby. It finally got too much and my husband agreed that I could quit my job to spend some time with my now 3 year old son. This impacted our finances, so my husband took an extremely demanding job which paid well, so that we could continue to afford and live in our home.
I noticed at this time my husband would open the bottle of wine earlier and earlier and I spent the next few years expressing concerns about how much he drank and questioning whether a second bottle had been opened. I guess this is where the lies started and my own denial began.
Skip forward and in 2017 our second son was born. We were overjoyed and began our search for a bigger home to accommodate our growing family. I was working part time and we seemed to be in the perfect position.
We finally moved in 2019 (our finances have been stretched to the very limit but I was ignorant to the very real threat looming).
In June 2020, my husband was suspended from work and our world fell apart. My husband remains on suspension and his employer continues to pay his wages, however, it is inevitable that he will be dismissed. I continue to grievance as much as I can just to extend the inevitable. My husband from the very day of suspension began drinking 3 or more bottles a day and you can only imagine the state he would be in while I was working from home and caring for our two children. His mental health has been severely affected and he is now taking medication for depression.
I wrote in a response to a post recently, how my husband attended a detox clinic in July 2020 and spend a few months sober, but matters have seriously spiralled since then. He no longer drinks wine opting for vodka and large quantities thereof. Everything has crumbled and only recently my husband spent a few days away from the home in a hotel. I pray he will find the strength to battle this horrible disease and have in the last few days sought comfort from this forum. I have read articles, further reading and ordered various books and feel stronger. I guess I'm at the start of my journey figuring out boundaries and if and when I'm prepared to pull the plug on our marriage but I just don't know how you all find the strength. The pain is crippling; I want my husband back, but I'm not sure whether he exists anymore.
Any advise welcome, particularly regarding appropriate boundaries for a young family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Howdy1234, what a huge burden and a huge amount of stress. I'm sorry for your predicament. I'm hoping it will be helpful to kind of break these issues down.
First the financial, because this is so important and is looming. I'm not sure how serious this is (and no need to share this, of course) but if you will be on the brink of losing your home or being unable to buy food or any kind of "crisis", once they stop paying your Husband, you may want to seek help. From your bank (if reasonable) from a debt counselling service (which I am sure you will need to research and hopefully one that is government run or recommended). Once you know those options you may be seeking bankruptcy or consolidation etc and will need a lawyer, however you won't know that until you get in touch with the others.
Another thought is selling your house as soon as possible.
If it is about to be at crisis point, I would put my other concerns aside for the moment and focus on that.
You can get overwhelmed with the finances, alcoholic partner and children you need to protect, so one next right step at a time is perhaps a good idea.
Once that ball is rolling, (and I will put this in a nutshell or this will turn in to a novel!) you perhaps will want to consider separating from him until such time as he can seek sobriety and then recovery, this may even take a year or more IF (or when) he decides he wants to do that, for himself. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Then there are the kiddies (last but certainly not least) and that, of course all ties in with the above. Alcoholics do not make good parents, but you already know this I'm sure. If there is no way financially that you can manage the house on your own (when you say "work from home" I don't know if you mean paid work or not), I would recommend contacting your local women's shelter for advice. They will know of programs that may be available for you and your children.
I know you so wish the husband you had would return, but for now, that's not the reality and taking care of yourself and your kiddies is where your focus must be, just keep doing the next right thing.
First the financial, because this is so important and is looming. I'm not sure how serious this is (and no need to share this, of course) but if you will be on the brink of losing your home or being unable to buy food or any kind of "crisis", once they stop paying your Husband, you may want to seek help. From your bank (if reasonable) from a debt counselling service (which I am sure you will need to research and hopefully one that is government run or recommended). Once you know those options you may be seeking bankruptcy or consolidation etc and will need a lawyer, however you won't know that until you get in touch with the others.
Another thought is selling your house as soon as possible.
If it is about to be at crisis point, I would put my other concerns aside for the moment and focus on that.
You can get overwhelmed with the finances, alcoholic partner and children you need to protect, so one next right step at a time is perhaps a good idea.
Once that ball is rolling, (and I will put this in a nutshell or this will turn in to a novel!) you perhaps will want to consider separating from him until such time as he can seek sobriety and then recovery, this may even take a year or more IF (or when) he decides he wants to do that, for himself. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Then there are the kiddies (last but certainly not least) and that, of course all ties in with the above. Alcoholics do not make good parents, but you already know this I'm sure. If there is no way financially that you can manage the house on your own (when you say "work from home" I don't know if you mean paid work or not), I would recommend contacting your local women's shelter for advice. They will know of programs that may be available for you and your children.
I know you so wish the husband you had would return, but for now, that's not the reality and taking care of yourself and your kiddies is where your focus must be, just keep doing the next right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 66
I am so sorry you are dealing with this Trailmix. I feel badly for your husband as well but more so for you and your children. If they are young enough they will hopefully forget. As long as you can keep them safe. Breathe, try some YouTube meditation to keep calm and think positive. Prayers to you!
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