Forevertoolong

Hi everyone
I was here in the back half of last year as my marriage was falling apart. I got such amazing support and insights which I appreciate so much.
I thought I would provide an update.
My H and I have now been separated for 3 months. I have felt pretty good/positive overall other than a few 'moments' when I just felt so angry and resentful at H for what I feel that he largely caused. However I quickly learnt this is absolutely useless as I could never get him to see it in the marriage so why would he now! I suppose in order for me to move on in a healthy way, I have had to really reflect how I contributed as well. I have been doing a lot of work on myself.

A few things have come to light.

• H most definitely has a dependence on alchohol, it manifests in binge drinking. I am relieved (in the worst possible way!) that his behaviour has not changed since the separation. He has continued to binge drink with the boys/other enablers on a frequent basis. He even went to the pub by himself one day before Christmas for 3 hours and drank with strangers. He used to say it was this life (family life) that led to him needing to escape, but obviously not!
• There is not just addiction at play here. I have learned alot about NPD and also traits of an emotionally immature/peter pan type personality and he fits the bill. This explains his lack of empathy and his inability to own his behaviour or feel any guilt or remorse for his actions. This makes me even more certain that it was the right call, people with these traits don't easily change.
• H has been keeping the binges to the times he is without the kids. He has been SO flexible and wonderful with helping me out when needed (out of his scheduled time with kids), being totally accommodating with the schedule which I have changed a few times (still not sure what is right in terms of custody) and not being nasty/toxic etc to me at all. I don't really know what this means, but I do appreciate it. He seems to be getting on with it and not struggling too much with it at all. I just don't think he has the capacity to feel his emotions like regular people.
• He has had several benders over the past few months, getting home at 2am (i know because i hear on grapevine and also one of the times he turned up smelling of alchohol at 10am on a tues morning). I don't feel this is healthy or normal behaviour for someone in mid 40s.
• I have realised that some of the issues that you have over the relationship don't go away just because you split. But at least I don't have to be as impacted by his decisions and the day to day parenting is separate so i dont have to see how short he is with the kids etc. I know he is still grumpy quite a bit as the kids tell me - so again I don't think what he thought would fix his misery has done this at all!

H has said some horrible things as we separated and as we talked through the reasons we got to this place. He told me that the reason that he didn't come home from the pub at times to help with the kids when they were small was because he felt important at the pub and at home he didn't feel important because it was all about the kids. He also said why would he come home from the pub when he could stay at the pub and have fun instead of coming home to kids and a tired wife?!
He said he should have told me before we got married that freedom was the most important thing to him and that he didn't want kids. Also said that he is 'Jack and lad' and I should just accept that is who he is. He said that I controlled the social diary and the finances so everything had to be 'my way' which made him feel less of a man. In terms of controlling the finances, all I did was pay the bills - I had more time in my week as I worked part time, so it made sense for me to take this on. Also I managed all the bills etc and kids stuff so it just made sense.
Also, when men control finances why do they not get called controlling?!
He said that I thought i was better than him and that I 'knew everything' and constantly told him what to do which changed his feelings for me.
As he has expressed all this, i can see it for what it is. A damaged person who is not able to reflect or have any insight into why he is like he is. He refuses to look at his childhood at all, won't even talk about it. Even though his dad did exactly what he did. It is easier to just drink the emotions rather than face up to anything.

In some ways I wish you could walk away, but because we have 3 children I am doing what I can to keep things friendly. We have a weekly family dinner and the kids are adjusting well overall.

I feel optimistic about the future and I know I am so much better off.

Thanks again to everyone here who helped with their advice!

trailmix

Hi FTL, thanks for the update, I'm happy to hear you are doing well and that all in all you ex is behaving in an adult manner when it comes to the kids.

A couple of the things he said:

Isn't that the truth!!

Oh poppycock! lol. I have been married twice and always paid all the bills etc just like you did and no one was emasculated by it!! In most marriages, or maybe I should say many, one person generally takes care of that side of things, it just happens and it's no big deal. Growing up, my Mom took care of the finances as well, so this is not some new thing and I'm sure you would have handed it all over to him if he really wanted to do it and could be counted on to do it!

Oh well, water under the bridge as they say. Again, just happy to hear you are doing well. Your post will help others as well and I hope you will stick around as your experience is so valuable.