NahAn

For a week straight I’ve been crying in the fetal position. Crying like an infant. Crying because I’m so helpless. I want to make this work even if I ruin my life. But I can’t because he will endanger my child. If it weren’t for my child, I’d probably still be with him. How embarrassing?! I feel responsible for him because it seems like he has a brain of a teenager.

When does it stop?

Come on stupid head, just think rationally and
not with your heart.

I read some of the classics here and a lot of other posts... you either break up with your A now or wait until they progress and leave you. Seems like there’s nothing else.

I left because he needs to work on himself but I don’t think he is and it hurts. It hurts when his son asks for him all the time.

But everyone says it will pass and I want to believe it.

I keep looking at new alcoholic recovery posts hoping to see him write in there, but he doesn’t.

I hate alcohol so much! I am disgusted by it.

Sorry about venting, just needed to let it out.

trailmix

Well, he may well have the emotional maturity of a teenager, but is that something you want in a partner? Probably not. He is not your child and while it can be tempting to "look after" someone who seems pretty helpless, you already have an actual child to look after, as well as yourself.

Leaving someone you care about is hard! You know this well. So the crying will stop when you make it stop. I don't mean don't feel your feelings, but try to get perspective. The person he is, is not a person who can be a loving partner or parent, he has put your child in danger, imagine having the ability to do that. Imagine how he must think to be able to do that.

Now, I'm sure you have compassion for him, but that doesn't mean it's meant for you to be in a relationship with him right now, possibly ever.

The pain will ease up the moment you realize you deserve so much better than this in your life.

I don't know if you saw this thread in the classic reading section, originally posted by nytepassion in 2006

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

(Are you wondering when the pain stops?)http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

PeacefulWater12

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

FallenAngelina

You actually have more choices than just these two. What is your support network right now?

Popsy

Isn't it hard. I am nowhere near as involved as you are. I joined these boards because I met a man who hasn't touched alcohol for 8 months now. But I was uneducated on addiction, due to meeting him on the other side I got involved. The problem is he just can not admit or see any issues with himself. Deep down he can see them. But he expects the rest of the world to accept it or not notice it.

He broke it off Monday because I was allover the place about a future with him. His depression was horrible the last few weeks and it made him very short, quiet and snappy.
He's just spoken to me this morning about us and it feels like he doesn't know his head from his bum! He wants to concentrate on work and he isn't able to with me around. I gave him my full blessing to go ahead. Then he wants to just be happy. Then he liked being single. Then he was lonely. He's scared of getting into a relationship suddenly. But he's offended that I question him because I have children.

I honestly despair. I've also cried so many tears of frustration. It's like he wants me. But he doesn't. He feels he can give me the world. But he feels he can't handle relationships.

I relate to the bit you wrote about if it was just you. When children are involved it's different. You can't have your energy zapped. My head wasn't in the game with my children when he was sucking the happiness out of me. He would sleep for hours in the day and wake up Mardy. I'd loose sleep. Be sat thinking of him. I'd be stood at my bedroom window at 2am with so much in my head.

They have selfish personalities and don't realise it. They want to be loved but they can't really give back.

I'm 99% sure there is nothing left for me and him. Because he's so messed up emotionally.

My last boyfriend wasn't an addict. We just grew apart and it wasn't stressful. It was just one of those things. I can compare that to my short relationship with a recovering addict and the stress is unreal. He's not touched a drop of alcohol. But mentally he has finished me off.

Your heart will hurt like mine is right now. But I'm telling myself once he's out my system it will be a relief. I feel comfort in the distance now. Just tell yourself this is as painful as it gets.
I've got all the symptoms of stress and heartache. My hearts heavy. I have anxiety and I can feel the stress under my ribs. My periods late. My sleep is broken. I can't eat much. I can't concentrate. I normally love a soak in the evenings and didn't want one last night because that would mean thinking.

I'm so sorry my replies so long and random. I'm new here and minimal experience. But sending you out some support. X

NahAn

Trailmix, your response is like a slap in the face. I’m trying to make it stop but there’s something heavy in my chest that won’t let me. Of course I don’t want to live in fear every day wondering if he’s drunk or not, but I just can’t even imagine liking anyone other than him. My only support system is my mom who pretty much says the same thing...stop thinking about him and if anyone knew why you’re crying, they would think you’re the crazy one.
Popsy, thank you for your response, it’s nice to know someone understands.
I will keep telling myself that this is the hardest it will get. Maybe it’s so hard because I keep thinking it will be worse since I have to cancel everything we have planned together, while I still hope he will come around.
Since he hasn’t contacted me at all this whole time, I ended up having an abortion, which in itself brought even more pain. I understand there are people against it, but I felt like I had no choice.

dandylion

NafAn......I think it is very understandable and expected that you will be going through a period of grieving. This happens when ever anyone suffers a loss of something that has been very important or that they have put themselves into. In your situation, it is like a double loss.
The tears are a part of the grieving process---especially, in the beginning---but, can come intermittently, sometimes, during the grieving process. Actually, there is a mix of emotions, like sadness, anger, etc. Sometimes, alternating with each other within a short time.
Don't be ashamed of the crying....it is natural and serves a good purpose. Mother Nature made it this way.
You made the decisions that you felt were the best for you and your life situation. That is your right. I would suggest talking to only those who understand and will not judge you for your emotions. Peoople who have walked in your same shoes are the most likely to understand. Some people are well-meaning, but, they just don't understand.

When do the tears stop? There is no answer that fits every person, as we are all individuals, and grief will have it's own way.
speaking in general---I would expect the first 6 weeks to be the very hardest. after that. I would expect the grief to begin to subside, in fits and starts. The "waves" will be less severe when they hit, and the time between waves will become less frequent over the nest few months. Eventually, you will live and laugh again, and the Sun will come out, again.
Yes, you will have memories of what happened---BUT, you will "remember" without actually feeling the pain that you now feel.
It WILL NOt always feel like this---even if you don't feel like that is possible, now.

NahAn

Dandylion, thank you for your response. Wish I could fast forward the time. I dread everyone asking me about him. Guess at least I’m proud not to have contacted him.

trailmix

Hey NahAn, I'm sorry you thought my reply to you was harsh or insulting, it wasn't intended that way at all and in fact quite the opposite.

The message I was trying to get across was not - hey pull up your bootstraps and get on with it! But rather, really looking at the relationship and who he actually is, vs thinking back on how good things were.

He is not "drunk guy" and "good guy" he is all those things, one person, you know what I mean?

The reason I suggested this is because, in my experience, it works. I have been in the pain you are in, so I know it and would never tell anyone to - just fix yourself. For me, when I took the time (and it took time, weeks) to really think about who he was, the pain eased (a lot!). Why, because I came to the realization that he was absolutely not the person I needed in my life, not then, not now, not ever.

It will take time, but the more you take the next right step for YOU, the better you will feel. So you see, I was trying to show you that.

So how did that turn out for me? Almost right away the pain eased quite a bit, I started to think ahead. It got better and better after that. After a couple of months, not only did it not hurt I actually didn't care about him at all. If he showed up at my door right now, I would close the door in his face, not in anger, in indifference.

You will get to a more peaceful frame of mind eventually, you really will.

NahAn

Trailmix, thank you so much for taking your time to explain this. You’re such a blessing to be here and help. I hope I get to that point one day and help someone else.

velma929

The grief of the end of a relationship will morph and change and become less acute.

I've moved on, and the lessons I learned with AH aren't all in vain. I'm a better partner this time around. In fact, if it wasn't for the marriage, his passing I'd never have met my current man-friend.

To this day, I still mourn what could have been with my husband, and the loss of who he was when we met. Occasionally, there are still tears. They are sometimes for late AH. I never knew what it was he tried so hard to anesthetize himself against, but there had to be something. And there were times I didn't make things better, but worse.

NahAn

Velma, your story is just so sad. At the moment I can’t see how this can benefit me ever. Life just sucks. Maybe meeting someone new and falling in love again helps but we will never stop loving the poor sick alcoholics. I must say my XAF is the best and most caring person I’ve ever met (when he’s sober) If he were horrible to me, maybe this would be easier.
But like trailmix said, he’s not one or the other. He’s both of those people.

BlondTheory

NahAn, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurts. It's absolutely normal for it to hurt, because no one falls in love expecting or hoping for the person they've chosen as a partner to be an alcoholic. And it often hurts because we know that no one would purposely and wholeheartedly and entirely consciously choose the behavior and the choices that the alcoholic is choosing. We know it's a disease, and it's heartbreaking to watch a person -- much less a person we love -- to be consumed by it. It sucks.

And even though it's devastating, we have to pick ourselves up and move forward, as best we can. That's hard. Every day it's hard. But you will do it. Take it one day at a time.

NahAn

Previously someone said to remember that this is the hardest part and that’s why all the crying, but today he’s supposed to come by to get the rest of his things which includes furniture. Today will be the worst day of my life. I hoped it would never come to this. I just want to die.

dandylion

NahAn........I understand how you feel, It will help if you keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing. It does hurt like he**, as you are going through these necessary motions. I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain". Eventually this pain will pass---but you know that if you stay in the current situation. the pain will go on forever and get even worse over time. This is why you are not currently with him.
You will get through the day----actually, we are braver and stronger than we think we are--and, the bravery shows up at the exact time that we need it to. We are brave when there is no other option!
You will see.
Please let us know how you get on,

SparkleKitty

Hello, NahAn. I am familiar with this same feeling, though it's been a very long time since external circumstances and people had so much power over my life.

I know it feels like the worst day of your life, but it is also affording you the opportunity for a new beginning. A space free of his presence is a space that you may fill with what is important to you.

One of the most powerful things anyone ever said to me when I was in the midst of a relationship with an alcoholic and making excuses about why it wasn't so bad, why it was different than others' relationships with addicts was from my therapist. She said, "You will obviously do whatever you are going to do, but one of the things that you are doing is not making yourself available for a potentially healthier relationship that may come along."

I was so mad at her for saying that, which should have been the clearest signal that she was right.

You have an opportunity now to build a relationship with yourself that will never leave you crying for days on end in confusion and pain, and that will protect you from being flung about on the whims of others whose relationship with themselves is not healthy or self-actualized. By all means, cry. Let out your anger and your pain. But you are not without hope. Your future may look different than you want it to right now, but if you treat yourself with the care, tenderness, and respect you wanted from him, your future bears the possibility of more happiness than you can imagine right now. I know this to be true because it happened to me. I chose the scarier path of self-examination and vulnerability, and the returns have been a thousandfold.

dandylion

SparkleKitty speaks Truth. It happened to me after I divorced my first husband--the father of my three children.

sevenofnine

I want to respond to the part where you said you dread telling people.

The fear of telling people is worse than the reality much of the time. It is super hard at first, working out how you frame it when you feel shame, guilt, anger and sadness. But in my experience, people were more supportive than I expected. More sympathetic. They understood why I kept things secret.
Over time, as you tell people and feel support instead of rejection, and as you heal, you will find that part easier.
When I first divorced my XAH, he wanted me to keep quiet about all that he did. But it was a mistake to think that his shame was mine. Each person I told made me stronger to tell the next. Now I can totally easily tell a stranger that my ex has a drug problem etc. Doesn't even feel emotional.
I'm still working on openness around his physical abuse and sexual abuse of me, because I guess I carry embarrassment for staying and letting someone do that to me.
it is worth taking the risk to tell people because that honesty is what lets you feel that you have real support and connection (otherwise it is like they have a relationship with a lie that isn't actually you, which is basically like having no friends or family at all).
Living a sh*tty truth is better than living a fake lie. And living an honest truth where people know your story and accept you is a healing balm.

sevenofnine

"You have an opportunity now to build a relationship with yourself that will never leave you crying for days on end in confusion and pain, and that will protect you from being flung about on the whims of others whose relationship with themselves is not healthy or self-actualized."

trailmix

Sometimes things can be so painful that it feels that way absolutely. That's the time to reach out NahAn, here, to a family member to a trusted friend or a help line. Please don't ever be put off thinking you are being "annoying" or you "should be able to handle this better" etc. People are here to support you and there is other support out there for you as well.

If you reach out to family or friends, remember, you only need to tell them as much as you want to, you don't have to share anything you don't want to. A call asking someone to come over and just sit with you for a while is enough.

If you are thinking of suicide, I hope you will reach out for help: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.or...o-someone-now/ This is in the U.S. but if you are elsewhere in the world, please google for numbers. They are available 24 hours a day.

When you are needing support, if nothing else, post here, as often as you like, no one will be annoyed or think you are posting too much.