sevenofnine

First joined in 2012. I have found myself back here again. I have been rereading my posts, and seeing how far I have come and that feels good. I have been divorced for 9 years and I have built new relationships and built myself a happy, secure little life over here. Yay! Success!
But because I have kids, xah can still inject drama into my life, and after years and years of sobriety, he has relapsed and my kids' stepmom has kicked him out.
His wife is at the beginning of this journey. And initially I found myself just trying to be as supportive as possible to her, because I know how hard it is to be in this situation with an addicted spouse. But after the initial shock, I find that hearing about their relationship is really triggering me, drawing me in as though I can somehow help because I have been through this before.
So I am back because I can feel that codependent twinge.
I am trying to keep my involvement as minimal as possible, and to just pass on lessons I learned here.
-relapse will happen. Have a plan. Protect your kids, your finances, and your own sanity
-don't become search and seizure brigade--its bad for YOU
-nothing you do or don't do will change their behaviour

So the reason I am posting here today is to remind myself of some things I have learned from you all, and to thank you for this.

To Ann, and the old-timers whose screen names feel like old friends even after a long time away, thanks for your continued help. I have been rereading old posts and looking all your thoughtful replies, gentle suggestions and insights I so badly needed. Thank you for having the patience to let a noob learn bit by bit and having patience while I stumbled and kindly showing me a better way to think about things when I was wrong (even if I wasn't always ready to listen). Thank you for still being here when I need you.

To new faces: hi, and thanks also, because when I see myself in you, it helps me to understand myself better, to make sense of my thoughts and choices.

Thanks for your help along this road. Thanks for the company.

trailmix

Hi sevenofnine, so nice to hear your update, but not of the struggle, of course.

Reading your post reminded me of that saying - You don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Ann

I wish I had heard that expression years ago when I too was a newcomer here.

Sevenofnine, thank you for the kind words and I am so glad that you returned to share your story with the newcomers here and those who are struggling with similar feelings. I understand what you are going through. I have struggled with the same "wanting to save them the walk through hell that I took" and learning that we each have to walk our own path and make our own journey. The nice thing about support groups, whether here or at meetings, is that we don't have to walk alone.

I am sorry your ex relapsed and hope he finds recovery again soon. And I hope that his wife can find her own path to survival.

Maybe recommend that she reads "Codependent No More", it's a darn good start to figuring ourselves out and learning how to live a healthier life.

Bless you for caring about her and bless you twice for knowing what is yours to fix and what is not. Dang it all anyway, just when my "fix it kit" was oiled up and ready to go, I learned the same lesson.

If her contact triggers you, maybe set some boundaries. A kind ear is caring, suggesting where she can reach out is caring. Getting involved again where addiction lives is one place we all need to avoid.

Glad you are here.

Hugs