What am I doing??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
What am I doing??
I am very appreciative and grateful for bring able to come to this place, but having to come back here is just another reminder to myself that the pattern has not changed and it saddens me because this is of course also my fault that I let the pattern continue. I've posted before, I have completed some therapy and then stopped and then things got good with AH... But he never has really committed to any long term program or therapy for himself. So much stress has happened the last 2-3 years... And once again I find myself here again and in the same situation. My question is how do people actually set boundaries, but continue to stay married? Am I thinking this all wrong? My AH is a decent human being, BUT his addiction is progressing. He has a good job, provides for our family, takes care of house stuff, etc, but at the same time drinks enough every night that he slurs his words (weekends are worse), hides his drinking... when our child was home from college for the holidays he lasted about 5 days without a drink, then Friday night cane and he was ripping...i have distanced myself enough the last month that I don't share ANYTHING with AH... it really feels like a cold empty marriage and if I Initiate a let's talk conversation and if I bring up drinking he gets very pissed off.... how do people stay married with setting boundaries? I stunt understand how that works?? Need someone to talk to....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Loveblue,
Setting Boundaries and staying married to an alcoholic. A very difficult task from my experience, but some people can do it....I am not the authority at all, but I have my own experiences to share. I was in one of those situations where I let things go so far and setting boundaries was ineffective. I have heard people who do detach and remain together, but I think the quality of the relationship is still very compromised, especially if the person continues to drink. If you are motivated to keep the marriage, then by all means, do the work that people suggest (detach, self-care, stay on your side of the street, become a better human) and if he decides to get into recovery then you have a fighting chance. If he stays drinking, you know what will happen. It will get worse. You don't have to make any decisions now. I know it is stressful and the impetus to act is SO strong...you want the pain to end, you want to let go of the tightness in your body, you want the person you love to get it together. All I can say, is to pick a path that helps you out, I am not saying you are broken, but you will be in a better position to make decisions if you are bringing down your internal temperature. Al-anon works, also getting someone who is an addiction counsellor can help.
Setting Boundaries and staying married to an alcoholic. A very difficult task from my experience, but some people can do it....I am not the authority at all, but I have my own experiences to share. I was in one of those situations where I let things go so far and setting boundaries was ineffective. I have heard people who do detach and remain together, but I think the quality of the relationship is still very compromised, especially if the person continues to drink. If you are motivated to keep the marriage, then by all means, do the work that people suggest (detach, self-care, stay on your side of the street, become a better human) and if he decides to get into recovery then you have a fighting chance. If he stays drinking, you know what will happen. It will get worse. You don't have to make any decisions now. I know it is stressful and the impetus to act is SO strong...you want the pain to end, you want to let go of the tightness in your body, you want the person you love to get it together. All I can say, is to pick a path that helps you out, I am not saying you are broken, but you will be in a better position to make decisions if you are bringing down your internal temperature. Al-anon works, also getting someone who is an addiction counsellor can help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I stayed with my partner until he died, and it was a cold, lonely experience.
As time went on, he drank more and more. Oddly, the more he drank, the greater his denial that anything was wrong. I [eventually] realized that talking to him about his drinking was a wasted effort. Actually, talking to him at all was pretty much a wasted effort. Eventually, I started making plans to leave. I didn't tell my husband, because - well- what would be the point?
I would suggest getting together you important papers, birth certificates, bank statements, insurance policies, and those few items you consider necessary or precious, so if/when you do decide to leave, all that is in a place where you can take it and leave. I never felt in danger from my husband, but I had come close to leaving before. If I had to, I wanted the exit process to proceed as quickly and smoothly as possible. My AH died without knowing that upstairs in a spare closet, I had set aside the things of sentimental value I wanted to take with me.
As time went on, he drank more and more. Oddly, the more he drank, the greater his denial that anything was wrong. I [eventually] realized that talking to him about his drinking was a wasted effort. Actually, talking to him at all was pretty much a wasted effort. Eventually, I started making plans to leave. I didn't tell my husband, because - well- what would be the point?
I would suggest getting together you important papers, birth certificates, bank statements, insurance policies, and those few items you consider necessary or precious, so if/when you do decide to leave, all that is in a place where you can take it and leave. I never felt in danger from my husband, but I had come close to leaving before. If I had to, I wanted the exit process to proceed as quickly and smoothly as possible. My AH died without knowing that upstairs in a spare closet, I had set aside the things of sentimental value I wanted to take with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 5
Hi, I'm new to this forum but have the exact same question running through my mind. It's tough. I don't know where to turn and I'm so lost at the moment. I feel for you all, and for anyone in similar circumstances. I'm desperately trying to hold everything together but things are falling, fast. I was unaware (indenial) until my husband was suspended in June 2020. His drinking then became uncontrollable but together we sought help and he went in to rehap in July 2020. 3 months sober and for the past 3 months the lies, deceit and aggressive drinking is tearing our family apart. We have small children and it got too much Thursday night. My husband moved out Friday morning and has been staying in a hotel, which we can ill afford. He has no one but us but is obviously using this time to drink without the need to hide it. I don't know what my next step should be... how can I turn this around? Can we/will he turn it around? Have anyone else had treatment for their spouses and have they relapsed similarly? Thanks to all and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Howdy,
Sounds like a roller coaster!! You can't do anything about him at the moment, you can't control his behaviour. He is out of the house and I am sure you are filled with dread and stress. Must be hard to even function with all that going on. Maybe get some needed support from family right now. To help you with meals and to have some company...is that possible? I know how hard it is to keep it together when you are falling apart. Maybe at this point you just need someone to lean on hard and get thru this stage of the crisis. Reach out to someone.
Sounds like a roller coaster!! You can't do anything about him at the moment, you can't control his behaviour. He is out of the house and I am sure you are filled with dread and stress. Must be hard to even function with all that going on. Maybe get some needed support from family right now. To help you with meals and to have some company...is that possible? I know how hard it is to keep it together when you are falling apart. Maybe at this point you just need someone to lean on hard and get thru this stage of the crisis. Reach out to someone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Howdy....I hope that you will start your o wn thread.
To briefly answer your question. No, you cannot turn it around....it is not a matter or "we" , either.
The first concept is this-----The 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it.
Y our husband is the only one who can get into genuine life long recovery. He may or he may not----But whatever he does, it will not be because of anything you
DO do...or, anything that you Don't do. It is al about what is inside of HIM.
The help is ther if he wants it. He knows that---they spend a lot of time telling them about how to get help in rehab.
It doesn't sound like he i ready to get help or to want sobriety.
Yes, it is common for people to relapse after going through rehab---especially if they are not ready to quit---or if they just went under pressure to get someone off their back.
To briefly answer your question. No, you cannot turn it around....it is not a matter or "we" , either.
The first concept is this-----The 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it.
Y our husband is the only one who can get into genuine life long recovery. He may or he may not----But whatever he does, it will not be because of anything you
DO do...or, anything that you Don't do. It is al about what is inside of HIM.
The help is ther if he wants it. He knows that---they spend a lot of time telling them about how to get help in rehab.
It doesn't sound like he i ready to get help or to want sobriety.
Yes, it is common for people to relapse after going through rehab---especially if they are not ready to quit---or if they just went under pressure to get someone off their back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Loveblue 
I am very appreciative and grateful for bring able to come to this place, but having to come back here is just another reminder to myself that the pattern has not changed and it saddens me because this is of course also my fault that I let the pattern continue. I've posted before, I have completed some therapy and then stopped and then things got good with AH... But he never has really committed to any long term program or therapy for himself. So much stress has happened the last 2-3 years... And once again I find myself here again and in the same situation. My question is how do people actually set boundaries, but continue to stay married? Am I thinking this all wrong? My AH is a decent human being, BUT his addiction is progressing. He has a good job, provides for our family, takes care of house stuff, etc, but at the same time drinks enough every night that he slurs his words (weekends are worse), hides his drinking... when our child was home from college for the holidays he lasted about 5 days without a drink, then Friday night cane and he was ripping...i have distanced myself enough the last month that I don't share ANYTHING with AH... it really feels like a cold empty marriage and if I Initiate a let's talk conversation and if I bring up drinking he gets very pissed off.... how do people stay married with setting boundaries? I stunt understand how that works?? Need someone to talk to....
In situations like this, and others, you naturally distance yourself. You are going to detach from this whether you want to or not, it's normal, you are protecting yourself, that's a GOOD thing. If you don't let go of that particular rope, you will be dragged down too.
So, if you are determined to stay, you can set your own boundaries, absolutely but it's going to be pretty lonely. The best avenue in that case is to start creating a rich and happy life for yourself outside the home. Friends, meetings (Al-Anon), crafts, movies, Zoom activities with your friends, reading, new hobbies, whatever you like to do. You don't want to spend the rest of your life focusing on his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 5
Thank you for all the responses. Apologies for jumping on this thread... I will figure out how to start my own. I was just desperate last night, trying to find a chat group or forum and grab on to something or someone that understood. I feel stronger from reading your posts, thank you once again. x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Howdy1234
Thank you for all the responses. Apologies for jumping on this thread... I will figure out how to start my own. I was just desperate last night, trying to find a chat group or forum and grab on to something or someone that understood. I feel stronger from reading your posts, thank you once again. x
Up in the top left hand corner of the main page of this forum is a "New Thread" button, that's all you need to click on to get started and post. I'm glad you are feeling better reading the other threads too, you are certainly not alone!
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