Mashabo

Today I’m feeling a bit bad. And the reason for it is because I remembered some thing about me that I feel ashamed and remorseful about. Right now I’m reading “why does he do that?”, and while the book opened my eyes about some stuff in his behavior, I also remembered how I acted while being emotionally abused...

It happened around 3 times that I slapped him because I felt helpless and abused (and I know it’s an excuse, because you always have a choice to act appropriately and control yourself). I guess it was also the wrong image I had in my head, watching all those movies where the woman slaps a man when he said disrespectful things. I remember thought how I got an instant regret, I remember how I thought “this is not me”.

And honestly I feel so bad right now, even though I did ask him for forgiveness, learnt how to control myself since that, really regretted what I’ve done, and learnt healthy ways to act, today I feel like a bad person for having done that. I never want to be abusive, I never want to hurt the person I love, I never want to be violent...

Bekindalways

Ugh . . . it is humbling to look at our own actions. I love the saying, "The line between good and bad goes right down the middle of each one of us."

For many of us, in relationship with alcoholics, the alcoholism helps us avoid looking at our own crap and ugliness. This garbage is what is on our own side of the street and is what we should focus our efforts.

I actually punched one of my best friends a couple of years ago. I didn't hurt him as I'm a small older woman but violence is violence. I use the experience to extract as much humility as possible but so not fun.

Surf those feelings M.

dandylion

Mashabo......I have an opinion that I am pretty sure that will deviate from the most common or popular view that you will hear. It is as follows:
I realize that you feel bad, bud, I don't think there is a value in torturing yourself for what you described. It happened....and, even though you feel bad---history cannot be reversed.
Don't let your past destroy your future. It is not like you are some sort of sociopath who has no conscience or empathy. Evidenced by the fact that you felt/feel bad and asked for forgiveness.
Have you ever heard of the statement, for when a person is seriously threatened----"Fight, or Flight or Freeze? This is applied to all mammals who are threatened.
Under extreme threat, some people have brains that become flooded by the neurotransmitters that are responsible for the above reaction (fight, flight or freeze)...this "flooding" of the brain can make it impossible to do complicated nuanced decision making in the split second. In such situation, a person may reflexly strike out to at aggressor.
I am imagining that this might have been the case with you and your husband. Self defense can be allowed....even in the law....

I am all for self examination. But, don't tear yourself apart when there is nothing positive to be gained.....

Mashabo

Thanks, dandylion.

Yea, it was never a response of protecting myself from physical abuse tho, cuz he never abused me physically, but I think it was my reaction to an emotional one. He is a quite good manipulator and can twist and turn everything against you, so that was what gave me that reaction several times I guess.

You are right, I’ll try to let it go. It’s been long time ago and I did always felt bad about it and genuinely sorry.

trailmix

I would let it go as well. You did something not particularly nice, you apologized, you realize your error and you have corrected it. Haven't you done all you can do?

You might cringe when you think of it, we all have cringe-worthy moments, but there is zero advantage in holding any guilt or shame about it.

Mashabo

Definitely, trailmix, I’ve done all I could do sincerely. And realization of it is even more then I’ve ever got from him for what he has done.

Ariesagain

There’s another aspect to this...societal norms have changed over time. I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” a couple of Christmases ago for the first time...and I was horrified at the amount of physical violence in what is theoretically a feel-good holiday classic.

I remember watching lots of movies over the years...the first one that comes to mind is “When Harry Met Sally,” where being slapped across the face was practically foreplay. I also remember many things my parents did to me as punishment that would probably these days put me in foster care.

My point is that we’ve evolved. Our tolerance for physical and emotional violence has lessened and that’s a great thing. But at the time you did what you did? Different values, different norms. Now you know better.

Try to be kind to yourself. You can’t change the past and don’t let your self-punishment stop you from moving forward.

Mashabo

Hey, Aries

Thank you for this message, it does make sense!
Though it was like 2 years ago, don’t think the norms were any different then, but I get your point

I will focus on let it go and be a better person instead!

ironwill

Hi Mashabo,

I would as the song goes "LET IT GO". You realized you did something in the moment that was not right. We have all had those moments. Yes, you did it, but you can't beat yourself up for something that is in the past. You apologized for what you did right after you had done it. Move on from that and work on being stronger better person.

Forevertoolong

If it helps I slapped/pushed my XH on the chest quite hard out of total exasperation. He had left me on the side of the road to drive home drunk from a party - I had refused to get in the car with him and he just drove off on me. It was only a 10-15 min walk home, but still it was after midnight. When i got home he defended himself and called me ridiculous/over the top etc in a really scathing and aggressive way and I just lost it - how was I the ridiculous one for not getting in the car with the most legless person at the party?! I felt SO awful the next morning and remember apologising profusely to him. No apology from him was ever forthcoming tho for leaving me on the side of the road! Go easy on yourself. Abuse makes you respond in out of character ways.

Mashabo

Hey, FTL. Reading your stories reminds me so much of my relationship. Not because I was left on the road like you, but because of the way they abuse us. Where you end up feeling guilty and the bad one. Thanks for sharing it with me!

Cb923

I can relate to this, although I didn’t get physical with my EF (ex-fiancé), I had panic attacks and screamed at him at least like three times since he’s been out of rehab the past two months, out of defense because he kept pushing me to be emotionally and physically (intamacy) on his level and wouldn’t understand that I was not there yet. That is NOT who I am and I felt terrible for it right after, but I was being so overwhelmed and pushed with everything in my life it just came out like that. It’s like an instant reaction and it brings out the worst in us sometimes.

sevenofnine

I don't know what exactly happened, and maybe I am misreading more rapey/assaulty vibes than what went down...but to me, screaming is a not a totally unreasonable response to someone pressuring you for unwanted intimacy. I am not saying it is a good thing; it is def a sign things are totally not working and you both need safety. But don't under-play the inappropriateness of the advances from the other person and beat yourself up for having a self preserving reaction in a moment where you felt threatened. Women also beat themselves up for NOT crying out during an assault!

Cb923

Hi Seven,

Thank you for your response.. No rape or assault happened...it was just the pressure of him wanting me to be on his timeline (he has been out of rehab for 2.5 months). I got overwhelmed a few times (panic attacks/screaming...literally two times) by his wanting me to “go back to normal”, to give him sex and be back to a romantic intimacy level like we were before when we we first were together. It was just constant pushing on his end and I wanted him to understand that I am also in recovery emotional from all the lies he has told be pre-rehab with the drinking, etc. I needed space and time to heal and he wasn’t understanding that part..even his sponsor would tell him that and to be patient with me and I will eventually come around... instead he would seem to not listen (or care) and constantly say “I’m getting impatient it’s been two months since we did it...” etc. etc. so it pushed me to get like that. I know it wasn’t the exact right answer...but I’ve never been with an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic nor did I grow up in a family with any alcoholics...so all of this is so new to me.

trailmix

You know cb, when we are trying to push ourselves to do something that doesn't seem right, it doesn't usually work out well.

There is a reason why it doesn't feel right.

Long story short, I dated someone (not an alcoholic) for a year and a bit who wanted me to move in with him right away, I said ok then when I really looked at it, I said no, I'm not ready for that. I tried to push myself, for a year in fact and I couldn't make myself budge on it.

He did get impatient too - well you said you were going to do that and now you are leaving me here hanging and blah blah, quack quack. After a year he decided to pack up and head back to his home city, he came back a few months later and moved in with me, that lasted a few months and I asked him to leave which he did.

So you see, it can happen in any circumstance and that thing that is holding us back is actually protecting us from what we shouldn't do. There is nothing wrong in your not wanting to go forward with him until you were ready. The fact that he wanted to disregard your feelings and just "get back to normal" probably made you even less likely to move forward with him, and rightfully so.

FallenAngelina

Being with an alcoholic is perhaps new to you, but I'd be willing to bet that the feelings are not new to you and that the situation feels eerily familiar. Alcoholism intensifies everything and shines a light in places that many of us have memories stashed away. One reason that alcoholism is so painful is because we are so deeply drawn to this person and we're caught between reason and the emotional pull. For most people, this particular pain did not begin with this particular person. This particular person only makes us aware of what has been dormant inside.