RainingButtons

After Christmas- and the whole situation of me inviting XAH to dinner (re my last thread) I decided to cook a New Year Day roast for my children (just us) no big deal but .. just us. XAH dropped some huge hints about being invited to that too but I ignored the hints and didn’t invite him. We had a lovely calm and peaceful day however he chucked the inevitable and predictable sulk and ghosted us all for a week. To not even wish your own children a “Happy New Year” via text is pretty pathetic but he will have been downing a bottle of brandy no doubt.

anyway - we carried on our lockdown life, I wasn’t tempted even once to reach out to him. I’m certain he was hoping I would because I got a phone call exactly a week to the day later sheepishly asking if he could come over “as he was in our bubble”

oh no your not mate! I said I assumed he wasn’t any longer as we’d not heard hide nor hair from him since before the new year and we had no idea who he was with. Covid in the UK is at a critical all time high and my children are all off school and work we are staying safe. ( him being like this confirmed to me all the more that I am done. No Christmas gifts have come forward for my daughters either. I have no intention of inviting him in to play happy families anymore. Covid is a great excuse for now but that will run out. Then I’ll have to dig deep and say actually... this is permanent and I don’t want you in my house)

he was shocked - his reaction at first was oh .... he then turned it around to be like “I’m proud of you for making this decision to keep our children safe” that threw me a bit.

For now he’s picking the two youngest (his) kids up on a Saturday only (this has happened the last two weeks) as they have home schooling during the week. He has them a couple of hours at his then drops them home.

BUT.

on dropping them off the last two weeks he’s stepped over my doorstep into my house. He’s all friendly and pleasant... kids are there of course so it’s been a real battle in my head so I say something? Surely he knows this is pushing the boundaries ive set? He’s asserting his “entitlement” to be in MY home? Even after I’ve said not to come in?

I sent him a text today to say “I’ll make sure the kids are ready for when you collect them so you do not come into the house as Covid rates are still very high” He then rang me to say he had been reading and re reading my text and maybe had over thought it but again reiterated he was “proud of me for making a stand to keep the kids safe”! I feel patronised by this. Maybe I’m overthink it too.

but think I need this logged here - it’s certainly a taste of things to come with him and I’m not looking forward to the time when Covid restrictions are lifted and I have to say “well actually I’ve decided the arrangements have been working well for us and I want this to continue with you having contact with your children in your own house from now on” I think he will still come in and sit on my sofa and command attention. I shouldn’t care how he will react really. It’s more the kids I care about. Do you think 12 and 15 I can explain that Dad coming in the house right now is upsetting for me? (Divorce is still not resolved!!! I’ve found out HE has been delaying it as my solicitor has been writing to his since last August asking for a financial statement that he’s ignored! Now I have to get a court order to demand he sends one in)

Im thinking I’m going to just say to him that I need space from him for a while - and that him being in my home drinking coffee on my sofa is just too much - I want a break. I feel like I take a few steps forward then hesitate when it gets too hard ... I knew he wouldn’t take well to me being more assertive!! What do you think?

trailmix

I think you should be more assertive! I think you are handling this all really well, especially the whole xmas and ny stuff.

So why do I think that? He didn't bring your kids any Christmas gifts! He keeps wanting to show up to your holidays! He is holding up the whole divorce by not filing the financials! You have asked him not to come in to your house and he still does!

Now, I'm not meaning to imply you should be all angry and resentful, I'm just saying that he's not all mr. sunshine and roses and you are great keeping our kids safe (gag). Yeah, you are their Mother, what else would you be doing?? Furthermore he is the one that wanted to come over re: bubble but when you called him on it he backed down, why? Because he knows he's not safe to be around because he hasn't been in a bubble!

I'm mad at him and I don't even know him lol

Ahem, anyway, back to the matter at hand. Again, I think you are doing really well but he is still trying to manipulate here, of the have his cake and eat it too variety (I'll play Dad at "home" when it suits me).

I personally wouldn't bother mentioning it to the kids, that's just me though, yes they are old enough to understand but it will probably come across as you vs him to them perhaps? I would tell him, however no need to tell him why (JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). It's actually none of his business why you don't want him in your house is it?

RainingButtons

Thankyou!! Yes...! I breathed such a sight of relief reading your reply - it’s so true re JADE I need reminding of this. I do over explain ever and I shouldn’t have to give him any reason whatsoever! For the kids I can just simply say “it works better this way” end of. They actually have been enjoying going to his house - apparently he has kitted himself out with a new log burner and furniture so he wasn’t doing so badly money wise after all - (still paying me the bare minimum pittance of maintenance though).

thankyou. Just the thought of his presence makes me anxious. The urge to overshare and talk too much is a nervous habit I have with him and I think he likes making me feel that way.

FallenAngelina

A (hopefully) helpful tip: Stay out of his head. It rarely serves well to be in someone else's head because it only ever takes you off course from your own clarity. Trailmix is spot on that the reasons for drawing a literal line at your doorstep are your reasons and do not need to be constantly explained to others (kids, husband, in-laws, whomever.) The less you stay out of others' heads, correctly or incorrectly imagining what they are thinking and feeling, the more clarity and serenity you will experience, the more you will be able to stand by your boundaries. Your boundaries serve your emotional safety and they serve your peace of mind. Your boundaries are for you.

Someone else's head is always a bad neighborhood to be in. Stay in yours and you will slowly gather more and more solid ground under your feet.

RainingButtons

thankyou 🙏 I like this - it’s a good way to look at it. I need to write these down and stick them on my fridge lol. Stay out of his head xx

RainingButtons

So he collected the kids as arranged. After they had gone I took the opportunity to go the local supermarket to get some essentials. Guess who I bump into? Yes him and my children! After I had specifically asked him not to take them into any shops. (Supermarkets are currently thought to be a very high risk area for the new UK variant of Covid 19 and our government has said only one person in a shop at a time unless absolutely necessary)

buying noodles. Sweets. Pop. Nothing essential. My reaction was to glare at XAH and say to my daughter “what are you doing here you are big meant to be in a shop it’s not safe!” And she said “mum it’s ok we have hand sanitizer on!” He ignored me. I said “wash your hands thoroughly when you get to your Dads” and I walked away. Now I’m raging.

wtf was all that on the phone last night about him being “proud of me for protecting the kids”?

i will wait until the kids are home safe but think maybe a text message to him tonight about how annoyed I am that he lied to me and put the children at risk?

mylifeismine

"I will wait until the kids are home safe but think maybe a text message to him tonight about how annoyed I am that he lied to me and put the children at risk?"

I don't think doing that will make a bit of difference and in fact he might be amused by it.
He is a liar. Expect lies.

Did the kids have masks on? I think the best results come from teaching your
children how to stay safe and if he is going to bring them out in public places,
not sure if your lawyer could help?

When the children are are picked up, lead them out the door to him.
When he brings them back, walk out your door to greet them, let the
kids in, but that's as far as he gets. If he should ask to go in (highly doubt)
just respond vaguely, not a good time, busy, got to go, by. Stand very
straight, look him in the eyes.

RainingButtons

you are right. A text message will just amuse him or give him ammunition to respond. I don’t wish to get into another conversation with him - as you say he’s a liar. I cannot trust a word that leaves his mouth.

I will not be allowing him over the threshhold tonight when he drops them off. I will stand straight and not avoid eye contact (you are right about this I do tend to avoid it with him! He probably takes that as a sign of weakness)

For future reference all I can do is continue to educate my children about the virus without scaring them but when they are in his “care” and I use the term loosely, he has parental responsibility and legally I have no rights to dispute this - it’s not the law he’s not broken any laws - he’s just gone against advice. And my wishes. Sadly I actually feel that had I not expressed any concerns about them going into shops he may not have even thought about doing so. I think he pushes my boundaries on purpose.

FallenAngelina

This is being in his head. Bad neighborhood!

Look him in the eye if it fortifies you, but how he perceives your eye contact is a thought that will only knock you off course and take you down a rabbit hole of concern. The bit about not shopping with the kids is a rule and yes, he violated the rule. Boundaries are your commitments to yourself. Your boundaries are for your own stability and nobody but you can push them or violate them. It's really important to understand the difference between rules and boundaries. Staying out of his head is a boundary that keeps you on a path of clarity, stability and on the road toward peace of mind. He has absolutely no say over this boundary and this path.

RainingButtons

ohh this is so hard! 😭 I see it .. I see what you mean I do.

I’m confused how I should deal with this situation. He’s broken the rules yes but it is still my boundary that he doesn’t deliberately disrespect any of my expressed wishes ... and these were expressed to him clearly. and if him seeing the children puts my whole family at risk of catching Covid ...,how do I handle it when he wants to pick them
up again? The law is not on my side here as he has the same parental responsibility and rights as I do. I don’t have the money for any extra lawyer help.

My mum said I should be reading him the riot act tonight. One of my eldest daughters said I was weak for not ripping into him. I’m feeling pressured to “ be strong” and stand up to him.

I have typed out several text messages to him but deleted every one before sending as I don’t see how reacting will make a scrap of difference to how he will be next time. He will either reply with anger or he will not reply full stop but either way I won’t get any resolution for calling him out. He will also be drunk right now Fact.

Why should I expose my feelings to him? What good would it do me? I’m feeling rather lost tonight. I’m upset and very very triggered.

trailmix

Yes, exactly. That's why I mentioned JADE before when you were talking about perhaps telling him that you needed space from him. A helpful thing is to just stop for a beat before you say anything to him and if it is about your feelings, remember you are just giving him a tool to attempt to hurt you with.

Ariesagain

Oh, ugh. He’s a gem, isn’t he...

What is paramount here is your children’s safety. The end. They’re old enough to understand masks, social distancing, and why frivolous errands are a big mistake right now. Normally you’d never put them in the middle, but it needs to be made clear to them what is okay and what isn’t and if anything like this happens again, they need to leave and call you ASAP.

I would document all of these events. Knowingly putting the children at risk is NOT acceptable parenting and taking them into to buy junk food in the midst of a pandemic is insanity. Ideally you could take him to task and he’d be respectful of your concerns and actually care about his children’s health, but given his history, it’s most likely to backfire.

Do what you need to do to move the divorce forward. Your lawyer should be able to force a deadline on the financial information or have your ex declared in contempt of the proceedings, but I don’t know the law where you are.

Best of luck with this mess, sweetie...stay strong.

RainingButtons

thankyou, so in the uk I have to apply to the court to get a financial disclosure order as he has repeatedly ignored requests from my lawyers for the voluntary one. This is essential for the decree absolute and what’s been holding everything up. I have had to apply for illegal aid to get this done as I have no money - this takes about 3-4 weeks then court another few weeks likely. If he still refuses to comply then it’s likely the court will award in my favour and order him to pay costs. And yes he could well be found in contempt like you say!

It’s crazy making stuff that he’s ignoring it because he’s not wealthy by any means, so the judgement would likely be very fair to him. The only reason he has to delay matters is either out of pure spite or that he just simply cannot face up to it and is burying his head in the sand.