Broke up with fiancé while pregnant
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 18
Broke up with fiancé while pregnant
I don’t know if I did the right thing breaking up with my alcoholic fiancé.
We have a 3-year old son together and a month ago I found out I’m pregnant again.
We have been together for about 5 years and I’d say he got completely wasted about 10 times total. We drank early in our relationship and I never thought anything of it.
Then he drove drunk a few times. One day he was with our then 1-year old son and almost dropped him on his head while we were facetiming. I broke down crying and called my mom to take the kid. He decided to never drink around him again.
Then he drank after work and went to pick up our son drunk again. I was devastated. I told him it’s ok to have a drink at home when your kid is asleep so you can’t cause any harm.
He agreed. Unfortunately he didn’t know when to stop. I would come home from work and he would be wasted while the kid was asleep. Again I made a big deal out of it saying what if he woke up or needed you for something?
He agreed to stay sober for a while. I actually started to believe he meant it, since I really didn’t think he had a problem.
Then I had a very long appointment with my gyno for ultrasound etc and after that I had to go work. He had half a day at work and didn’t tell me. I only got a phone call at work and he said he was sorry that he drank too much after work and when he came to pick up our son, my mom noticed and didn’t let him take our son home. He drove home without his lights on and barely made it up the stairs.
I was crushed and still am. I decided I have to protect my child and at this point I think he’s an alcoholic. He made the decision to drink while he was sober.
I packed up all his things and gave them to him the next day. I told him to please leave us alone if he loves us.
He took that quite literally since he hasn’t even asked to FaceTime his son yet and it’s been 4 days.
What hurts the most is that he’s the best person I have ever met. When he’s sober, he’s wonderful, caring, loving. He gives everything to whoever needs. I don’t think a person like that exists in the world.
When he’s sober, however, he usually seems to be in another world. Like his head and body are not in the same place. It was difficult having any kind of meaningful conversation with him. Is that because alcohol fried some of his brain already?
He was so excited about having another child but he hasn’t asked anything about it.
And when I asked him why he got drunk this last time he said he thought he wasn’t ready for a family. Then he said he loves me and in order to get him to leave already because it hurt so bad I lied to him saying I didn’t love him anymore.
Now I’m crying every day and especially after reading how alcoholism is a mental disease I feel like I failed the one person I love. I should be there for him helping him through this. It hurts me that I told him I don’t love him anymore.
It’s so much harder for me because I still live in the same place and watch my son ask about him. Everything reminds me of him and everything makes me cry.
Any help is appreciated.
We have a 3-year old son together and a month ago I found out I’m pregnant again.
We have been together for about 5 years and I’d say he got completely wasted about 10 times total. We drank early in our relationship and I never thought anything of it.
Then he drove drunk a few times. One day he was with our then 1-year old son and almost dropped him on his head while we were facetiming. I broke down crying and called my mom to take the kid. He decided to never drink around him again.
Then he drank after work and went to pick up our son drunk again. I was devastated. I told him it’s ok to have a drink at home when your kid is asleep so you can’t cause any harm.
He agreed. Unfortunately he didn’t know when to stop. I would come home from work and he would be wasted while the kid was asleep. Again I made a big deal out of it saying what if he woke up or needed you for something?
He agreed to stay sober for a while. I actually started to believe he meant it, since I really didn’t think he had a problem.
Then I had a very long appointment with my gyno for ultrasound etc and after that I had to go work. He had half a day at work and didn’t tell me. I only got a phone call at work and he said he was sorry that he drank too much after work and when he came to pick up our son, my mom noticed and didn’t let him take our son home. He drove home without his lights on and barely made it up the stairs.
I was crushed and still am. I decided I have to protect my child and at this point I think he’s an alcoholic. He made the decision to drink while he was sober.
I packed up all his things and gave them to him the next day. I told him to please leave us alone if he loves us.
He took that quite literally since he hasn’t even asked to FaceTime his son yet and it’s been 4 days.
What hurts the most is that he’s the best person I have ever met. When he’s sober, he’s wonderful, caring, loving. He gives everything to whoever needs. I don’t think a person like that exists in the world.
When he’s sober, however, he usually seems to be in another world. Like his head and body are not in the same place. It was difficult having any kind of meaningful conversation with him. Is that because alcohol fried some of his brain already?
He was so excited about having another child but he hasn’t asked anything about it.
And when I asked him why he got drunk this last time he said he thought he wasn’t ready for a family. Then he said he loves me and in order to get him to leave already because it hurt so bad I lied to him saying I didn’t love him anymore.
Now I’m crying every day and especially after reading how alcoholism is a mental disease I feel like I failed the one person I love. I should be there for him helping him through this. It hurts me that I told him I don’t love him anymore.
It’s so much harder for me because I still live in the same place and watch my son ask about him. Everything reminds me of him and everything makes me cry.
Any help is appreciated.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,057
Welcome to SoberRecovery! I hope you read around and post often!
A key to your recovery is support--not only from this forum, but also from community groups like AlAnon. Besides giving support, those at the meetings know about community assistance. Many meetings are held by Zoom now--check locally, but I am sure you can find something online.
A key to your recovery is support--not only from this forum, but also from community groups like AlAnon. Besides giving support, those at the meetings know about community assistance. Many meetings are held by Zoom now--check locally, but I am sure you can find something online.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
He put your child at risk repeatedly. You can't control his drinking--he's an adult man making the decision to drink. You being there before didn't stop him, did it?
I think you made the right decision.
He may choose to stop or not, but what you do or don't do unfortunately will not tip the scale.
Meanwhile, put the focus back on you and your kids' needs. Emotional support is critical of course, what about child support? You need to protect you and your children's security--Women's centers often have names of free or reduced cost lawyers.
I really hope he sees the light, quits forever, and comes home, but we say here often that hope isn't a plan. Be strong.
I think you made the right decision.
He may choose to stop or not, but what you do or don't do unfortunately will not tip the scale.
Meanwhile, put the focus back on you and your kids' needs. Emotional support is critical of course, what about child support? You need to protect you and your children's security--Women's centers often have names of free or reduced cost lawyers.
I really hope he sees the light, quits forever, and comes home, but we say here often that hope isn't a plan. Be strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
You being there before didn't stop him, did it?
I just care for him so much that I hoped this wouldn’t be the end. I didn’t think about child support at all, but I am worried that he will try to get 50% custody and I am terrified that he will put our son in danger again. On the other hand, he hasn’t tried to see him yet, so who knows?!
It’s killing me not knowing what he’s up to.
How unlucky are we, who got involved with alcoholics? Seems like there’s never a happy ending.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi NahAn, so glad you found SR and posted. Sorry for what brings you here though, of course.
Just one thing I wanted to mention, if you ever do have to make up that custody agreement with him, please find a lawyer familiar with addictions. You can probably get a referral from your local domestic violence center or law society.
You will no doubt want to add a sobriety during visitation clause in your agreement, with alcohol monitoring with sober link or the like.
Just one thing I wanted to mention, if you ever do have to make up that custody agreement with him, please find a lawyer familiar with addictions. You can probably get a referral from your local domestic violence center or law society.
You will no doubt want to add a sobriety during visitation clause in your agreement, with alcohol monitoring with sober link or the like.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by NahAn
He decided to never drink around him again.
Anything else just leads to a deeper and deeper alcoholism mess involving more and more people (including children.) Trying to dance around total sobriety with fancy footwork and custom made plans is a typical maneuver of many alcoholics who are not ready to change much of anything about the way they are thinking and living. Total sobriety based in a recovery program (community) is the only way a person has a prayer of changing significantly in order to become a decent partner and parent.
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