verifying sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
verifying sobriety
I am on a roll this week. So I get a text last night from EX, she says, "I miss you, I am sorry". Then this am I get the text, "I don't have my Blood Alcohol Monitor, I guess that means I can't see our daughter", as today was her day. I was struggling with this decision, to say ok, let me see you and I will verify your sobriety based on seeing you....but I didn't. I said no. I asked her where it was, and she left it at work, which is a ferry ride away. She absolutely tore a strip off me, calling me the dictator, bla bla bla. I even said, get you tested and we can do make up days this weekend. Never heard anything back. I didn't flex on this because as of 2 weeks ago, she told me a loine that she had to send her tester away for calibration, ad I coud hear it in her voice that she was drinking. So I wasn't ready to flex on this cause she was drinking two weeks ago, and suddenly decides she is clean and sober as soon as Jan 1st rolls around. I feel I made the right call. I gave her an option to make up the days, I stuck to our mutually agreed upon rules of engagement.But still I am flip flopping in my head and heart.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
WLL, the rules are there to protect you from having to have this debate. You are under no obligation to verify her sobriety. That is HER job. Your job is to enforce the rules -- not to punish her, but to keep your daughter safe. Keep your daughter at the forefront in your mind here and that flip flopping will go away.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You made the right call.
She was drinking. You know that’s true because how much she flipped out at hearing “no.”
I would reconsider renegotiating the extra day ever again...this is about how much time your daughter spends in the care of a parent in active addiction. It’s hardly trivial. And it once again puts your daughter in a terrible spot.
No BAM reading, no visit. The end. This isn’t about anything other than your daughter’s health and well-being, which have been compromised repeatedly over the years in caving to your Ex and her emotional manipulation.
You know you know. Trust yourself, yes?
She was drinking. You know that’s true because how much she flipped out at hearing “no.”
I would reconsider renegotiating the extra day ever again...this is about how much time your daughter spends in the care of a parent in active addiction. It’s hardly trivial. And it once again puts your daughter in a terrible spot.
No BAM reading, no visit. The end. This isn’t about anything other than your daughter’s health and well-being, which have been compromised repeatedly over the years in caving to your Ex and her emotional manipulation.
You know you know. Trust yourself, yes?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Sparklekitty and Ariesagain,
Thank you for your replies. It is so good to come here for support and guidance. I also submitted to her a proposed timeline for increasing parenting time, which she HATED!! Because I didn't consult her. We did agree to some rough timelines, but ya, I drew it up and even my lawyer said it was very fair and maybe even a bit generous.
I am getting her full fury right now and suspect more to come. She goes for her surgery on the 18th and really slamming me about that...how dare I etc...I am sorry that she can't see her kid, but I ad to stand my ground and it feels so brutal.
Thank you for your replies. It is so good to come here for support and guidance. I also submitted to her a proposed timeline for increasing parenting time, which she HATED!! Because I didn't consult her. We did agree to some rough timelines, but ya, I drew it up and even my lawyer said it was very fair and maybe even a bit generous.
I am getting her full fury right now and suspect more to come. She goes for her surgery on the 18th and really slamming me about that...how dare I etc...I am sorry that she can't see her kid, but I ad to stand my ground and it feels so brutal.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
It isn't brutal at all. Please remember, she can change it any time she wants. She just wants to see her daughter any time she wants and be able to drink, too. She cannot have it both ways. You are doing the right thing by sticking to the rules.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
disclaimer: the following is the opinion of an alcoholic in recovery
Hey woodlandlost, do not second guess yourself. No flip flopping. Participants on both sides of this parental situation need to say what they are going to do, and then do what they say. Until then, there can be no trust. Without trust you got nothing. Trust is earned. When trust is earned, slack can be cut. This goes for both sides.
The number one priority here needs to be the care and well being of your daughter.The feelings of the parents pale in comparison to the importance of the care and well being of your daughter.There are no do-overs in raising a child. You get one shot at it this. Not only that, but the lessons your daughter learns from you will be with her for a lifetime. Keep that thought in your hip pocket where it is readily available. If you waffle, you are showing that you can't be trusted with doing what is in the best interest of the child.
I get the feeling that you are a good dad. Trust your instincts! Be consistent.
Hey woodlandlost, do not second guess yourself. No flip flopping. Participants on both sides of this parental situation need to say what they are going to do, and then do what they say. Until then, there can be no trust. Without trust you got nothing. Trust is earned. When trust is earned, slack can be cut. This goes for both sides.
The number one priority here needs to be the care and well being of your daughter.The feelings of the parents pale in comparison to the importance of the care and well being of your daughter.There are no do-overs in raising a child. You get one shot at it this. Not only that, but the lessons your daughter learns from you will be with her for a lifetime. Keep that thought in your hip pocket where it is readily available. If you waffle, you are showing that you can't be trusted with doing what is in the best interest of the child.
I get the feeling that you are a good dad. Trust your instincts! Be consistent.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
So glad you did that WL, you really made the solid choice there in my opinion.
You have (of course!) an emotional investment in this so that does make it hard, but you also have your boundaries which you stuck to and made a good call here.
You have (of course!) an emotional investment in this so that does make it hard, but you also have your boundaries which you stuck to and made a good call here.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
WLL
Sorry, you are having to deal with this kind of crap. It's human nature to 'want' to help and believe in others. The easier part is sticking to the rules already set up and pointing to them. In my mind, dealing with my 1st wife while in her drinking times was like a 3-year-old having a fit in a public place. You aren't along and you ARE doing the right thing. Trust yourself.
AG
Sorry, you are having to deal with this kind of crap. It's human nature to 'want' to help and believe in others. The easier part is sticking to the rules already set up and pointing to them. In my mind, dealing with my 1st wife while in her drinking times was like a 3-year-old having a fit in a public place. You aren't along and you ARE doing the right thing. Trust yourself.
AG
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by nez 
disclaimer: the following is the opinion of an alcoholic in recovery
Hey woodlandlost, do not second guess yourself. No flip flopping. Participants on both sides of this parental situation need to say what they are going to do, and then do what they say. Until then, there can be no trust. Without trust you got nothing. Trust is earned. When trust is earned, slack can be cut. This goes for both sides.
The number one priority here needs to be the care and well being of your daughter.The feelings of the parents pale in comparison to the importance of the care and well being of your daughter.There are no do-overs in raising a child. You get one shot at it this. Not only that, but the lessons your daughter learns from you will be with her for a lifetime. Keep that thought in your hip pocket where it is readily available. If you waffle, you are showing that you can't be trusted with doing what is in the best interest of the child.
I get the feeling that you are a good dad. Trust your instincts! Be consistent.
Hey woodlandlost, do not second guess yourself. No flip flopping. Participants on both sides of this parental situation need to say what they are going to do, and then do what they say. Until then, there can be no trust. Without trust you got nothing. Trust is earned. When trust is earned, slack can be cut. This goes for both sides.
The number one priority here needs to be the care and well being of your daughter.The feelings of the parents pale in comparison to the importance of the care and well being of your daughter.There are no do-overs in raising a child. You get one shot at it this. Not only that, but the lessons your daughter learns from you will be with her for a lifetime. Keep that thought in your hip pocket where it is readily available. If you waffle, you are showing that you can't be trusted with doing what is in the best interest of the child.
I get the feeling that you are a good dad. Trust your instincts! Be consistent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I hope you slept well last night, because you did the absolute right thing
for your daughter and you!
She will likely keep testing you on this until she realizes you are abiding
by the agreement and nothing else. Indeed like a 3 year old throwing
a tantrum she will try to push all your buttons. Is there a way to
reduce the useless toxic feedback from her? She is in deep denial
and some of her behavior will prove things to her she was much happier
lying to herself about. But it's not about you, never has been, but you
can expect her to blame you cause that's what alcoholics do.
for your daughter and you!
She will likely keep testing you on this until she realizes you are abiding
by the agreement and nothing else. Indeed like a 3 year old throwing
a tantrum she will try to push all your buttons. Is there a way to
reduce the useless toxic feedback from her? She is in deep denial
and some of her behavior will prove things to her she was much happier
lying to herself about. But it's not about you, never has been, but you
can expect her to blame you cause that's what alcoholics do.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Wow.. she just doesn't stop eh? At least she is predictable, use that knowledge.
The first text she sent, absolutely meant to throw you off your game and manipulate your emotions. It probably even worked a little bit, but you knew what she was up to and held your ground. This is excellent progress WLL! She absolutely knew she was trying to soften you up before coming in for the big ask. In the past this crap worked for her, but now that you know better , you do better and I'm sure that it is very upsetting to her that she can't force your hand anymore. She can't control herself, she can't control you... that's going to have her spinning. Be ready.
AND... you stuck to your guns through the next several attempts at emotional blackmail and personal attacks. I know it was hard, but you did what was right, and though you felt some pangs you pushed through to do the right thing for your daughter's well being. You should feel proud of yourself, and relieved that the kiddo is safe. You know what you know, always, always trust your instincts on this.
Do you keep a journal/calendar/log of visitations, both missed and attended? A place to write down the calls and texts and behaviours? You know what you know, and while none of it may be admissible in court or whatever, having a written rememberance of these things could come in very handy. Even if only to remind yourself how bad it can be when the edges start to blur... we tend to forget just how egregious they have behaved and sometimes minimize the memory of chaos. As long as a minor child is involved it's best not to forget. Once she is grown you can let things fade for your own sanity, but for now, I think it ALL needs to be remembered. Just my opinion.
Thank you for continuing to share with the group WLL, I am sure many of our members (active as well as "silent-but-reading") are learning from your experiences. I for one am loving the growth I've been seeing in you my friend.
The first text she sent, absolutely meant to throw you off your game and manipulate your emotions. It probably even worked a little bit, but you knew what she was up to and held your ground. This is excellent progress WLL! She absolutely knew she was trying to soften you up before coming in for the big ask. In the past this crap worked for her, but now that you know better , you do better and I'm sure that it is very upsetting to her that she can't force your hand anymore. She can't control herself, she can't control you... that's going to have her spinning. Be ready.
AND... you stuck to your guns through the next several attempts at emotional blackmail and personal attacks. I know it was hard, but you did what was right, and though you felt some pangs you pushed through to do the right thing for your daughter's well being. You should feel proud of yourself, and relieved that the kiddo is safe. You know what you know, always, always trust your instincts on this.
Do you keep a journal/calendar/log of visitations, both missed and attended? A place to write down the calls and texts and behaviours? You know what you know, and while none of it may be admissible in court or whatever, having a written rememberance of these things could come in very handy. Even if only to remind yourself how bad it can be when the edges start to blur... we tend to forget just how egregious they have behaved and sometimes minimize the memory of chaos. As long as a minor child is involved it's best not to forget. Once she is grown you can let things fade for your own sanity, but for now, I think it ALL needs to be remembered. Just my opinion.
Thank you for continuing to share with the group WLL, I am sure many of our members (active as well as "silent-but-reading") are learning from your experiences. I for one am loving the growth I've been seeing in you my friend.
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