happydazes

Hi there, I'm new here and wanted to share my story, because I have a lot of love for my ex and want to talk to a community who probably understands this situation more than others in my life. I was tearing up and trying not to cry the entire time I wrote this.

My ex is officially one year sober as of last week and I couldn't be prouder. It's his first time doing rehab (we're both in our early 20's, I'm 2 years older) and I'm really proud of everything he's accomplished! We dated long distance for 2 months during his 10th & 11th month clean, and I remember him telling me he liked our relationship being long distance because it forced him to not run away/distract himself from his problems unhealthily (we met up 3 times). But December hit him, and I, really hard (he suffers from bipolar disorder), especially when he couldn't visit his family due to COVID.

By NYE we had broken up because he realized he can't date for "a very, very, very long time" and needs to focus on his sobriety more, because he can't love someone if he hates himself. He's a perfectionist so he can be extremely hard on himself. His mental health was pretty shot at that point, and his therapist was not happy to hear about us dating, but I'm grateful he's been attending more sessions through his rehab and NA meetings since our breakup. He was the one who still wanted to be friends after, and I still want to be there for him, so we agreed and ended on very amicable terms.

It sucks to lose my best friend when we had a happy, stable relationship with zero fights. We talked openly about his journey and how committed he was to staying sober because he said he knew he would die if he ever used again. He thanked me for making him believe he can get through anything and supporting him through everything; that he appreciates my support system so much. We became close/best friends VERY quickly around his 6th month sober, and to lose my happiest relationship sucks but I understand he needs to do what he feels is best.

He's been contacting me, daily but today I start to slowly distance myself so I can heal from the breakup. In order to heal, I need to set more boundaries. I have some things about myself I need to work on that's related to my PTSD. He told me he doesn't want me to wait on him, but we always told each other we'll forever love one another and I feel like I will end up subconsciously waiting on him (just like I did when we tried dating one time briefly in the Summer before actually dating months later).

Maybe it's just young love but for someone who's as cynical and reticent about relationships as I am, it felt right calling him the love of my life. The synchronicities and intuition between us is just so bizarre, especially when we're 400 miles away, and he made me comfortable about being vulnerable (something I struggle with due to past traumas) and he always reassured me he was here to stay, even when I wasn't asking for reassurance or thinking I needed it.

I'm glad there is still love between us and we care about each other. We always assure each other we'll be here whenever the other needs us and will always honest with one another. Because the breakup is still new, I'm sitting here hoping one day we'll end up back together (like we have in the past). I know whatever happens in the future for us will be what's best, though, and we both need to work on ourselves.

I know he still wants me to visit him, so I hope in a couple of months COVID restrictions will loosen just so I can finally hug him and tell him face-to-face how proud I am of him.

Ariesagain

Welcome!

I’m a little bit confused by the timeline here? Do I understand correctly that you met at him being six months sober, did long-distance (400 miles) for two months of that, and now he’s ended the relationship as of New Year’s Eve?

trailmix

Hi happydazes, glad you found this forum and posted as well!

As I said in my other reply, a good time of distancing will be required probably, before you can attempt to be friends.

That said, this information that you have dated before, broke up then dated again and have now broken up is a HUGE big red waving flag and I hope you won't ignore it, for your own welfare.

He may well be a great guy and I know you love him, however, this is where the rubber meets the road. You haven't even known him a year? And you have already broken up twice. This can develop in to a very destructive pattern, I've seen others do it. Time after time getting back together (with good intentions) each time losing a little bit of trust and hope and even love, because trust gets broken somewhere along the way. Like this:

How's that going? This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. I assume he meant as your SO, not just as a friend? If so, it just wasn't true. And the trust starts to crumble. Let's say, for arguments sake you two now get back together. How do you know he won't have another bad mental health episode and break up with you or that his psychiatrist might not tell him, again, he has no business being in a relationship? Or more likely that he himself will realize he can't handle it right now. Sobriety is one thing, recovery from alcoholism (though never cured) is another.

I don't want to stomp all over your hopes, believe me, but his psychiatrist suggested he not be in a relationship, he knows he shouldn't be, so maybe that line of thinking is the real deal and you might want to think about that a bit.

Often people here say that dating is a trial run, because it is, you meet someone, you like each other, you enjoy spending time together, but then after that initial period things might not be so bright and shiny. I think your loyalty and good intent toward him are great, but please be careful and make sure that this is good for you as well.

Remember - big red flag.

happydazes

Thank you for the welcome! I guess I worded it weird; I had met him a couple months before he started his program when he still lived here but we didn't become super close until his six months sober. The rest of the timeline you said is correct.

Thank you for replying once again, I appreciate it a lot! Sometimes I feel crazy talking about all this lol but it's just hit me hard emotionally. Once again sorry for the confusion about the timing, my response above should clear up my weird-worded timeline.

I've definitely taken into account this pattern, especially recently. I've been stuck in a toxic cycle (an emotionally abusive cheater during the most traumatic time in my life) before and I definitely don't want to end up there again. I've been doing what I can and been less lax with people's toxic/horrible behaviors since then, and have been cutting out more people for my own mental health instead of just wanting to keep the peace with people who don't deserve it.
For now I'm just keeping mental notes of any/all red flags and will address them when it comes up.

As for him reassuring he'll always be there for me:
Ironically, we somehow got on this topic when I brought up needing distance from him. He means it as in no matter if we're dating or not he'll be there for me, but I definitely agree that in general trust is complicated and I've been skeptical a couple times. In general I have trust issues and bad anxiety (including GAD) from past experiences that I'm working on (yay therapy!), and just like he said, I can only take what he says and decide myself if I trust it or not. So far his actions have matched his words, and I hope it stays that way.

Like you said, though, I need to acknowledge/realize the red flags, take them into account, and be careful in making sure if this is a good thing for me or not. My welfare is especially my top priority in 2021, and with the pandemic restrictions I'm hoping it'll force me to focus solely on myself without any distractions.

Ariesagain

I’m in a blunt frame of mind today...honey? RUN. You’re so lovely and young. Don’t waste your youth on this situation. If I’m doing the math correctly, you only spent four months actually together in the same geography and he was in rehab? That’s a highly artificial situation upon which to base any relationship, let alone one you’re declaring the “love of your life.”

This... is concerning. Don’t do this.

You’re romanticizing a relationship that was very short, very intense and had a ton of built-in drama...the rehab, you being his “support” no matter what, the distance...it’s a great romcom plot but a terrible foundation for any real, long-lasting relationship.

It’s young love. That’s a wonderful thing. But it’s not real...real is flat tires and rent payments and occasional really wonderful moments interspersed with what’s for dinner and who’s picking the kid up from daycare today.

The breakup is a gift, especially with your concerns about previous bad experiences. I hope you have access to a therapist who can help you sort out why this kind of situation is attractive to you. And I hope you’ll spend some time on this board and see the kind of future you might have if you continue to cling to the hope of this relationship.

I’m talking to my own 20-something self as much as to you. I just wish I had known then what I know now.