Fiance left me for drugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 8
Fiance left me for drugs
We had been together 2.5 years, engaged and he moved from his home town 1 hour away to move in with me and my 11 year old twins.. at first things were great if course and then the addict behaviours started to show..he had said from the start he was an ex user but ok now (his words)
I am a drugs and alcohol counseller do I guess I had more patience and understanding than his exes..a year into him living here I asked him to move out.. he rents a room in a house down the road. I asked him to go because je was constantly criticising and being bossy to my 11 year old twins and upsetting them, he stole money from my bank, all if my food shopping money in fact.. he stole my children's money boxes and told me I had probably thrown them away by accident when I was decorating. He would steal food from my home and deny it. His moods would fluctuate dramatically and sometimes he could go from happy to furious in seconds over very small things and there was no talking to him. I always found empty coke wraps in his wallet and he always denied how they got there and he even used my car to pick up drugs.
he went through 6 different jobs in 2 years, sacked every time for stealing goods (he's an electrician engineer so the goods were expensive)
he would often say he's coming over then go on a binge and switch his phone off for 2 days then I would get a text saying it was over
Thata what's happened this time. He has been doing online AA meetings, only a few a week to please me I'm sure. But Wednesday he did one and it often triggers him. He then kept texting saying he Will be over soon and called to say be there in 15 minutes. He didnt turn up and switched his phone off. Thursday am I woke up to a text around 3am saying "sorry about tonight baby I love you do so much but u can't do this anymore I'm not in the right place"
we hadn't argued, in fact we were getting on really well anwere had promised new year new start etc...I tried to ask him over and over what he meant but he didn't reply. Friday I ended up in hospital with a huge panic attack. I have heart failure so I have to be very careful with stress. I text him and he eventually called me...instead of asking how I was he shouted "did you give the police my f'ing address!" Turns out the police knocked on the door at his rented room with a warrant for his arrest and failure to attend court. He was arrested 4 months into our relationship for stealing goods and selling them on at cash convertors. He did this frequently but one company went to the police.
I started to cry on the phone then he was all nice like calm down baby calm down and then i asked again why he had finsihed with me.and he said because I was a control freak and complained that night that he was coming round later than expected. In the end he hung up.
I had a text saturday am, asking how I was and I said not good...I said I wanted to talk things over and he got mad again saying this is the last message and he's blocking me and he did. He blocked me on whats app only.
I ended up back in hospital yesterday on a heart monitor as my heart rate wouldn't come back down due to stress so I sent him a normal sms text message. It said delivered so I know he hasn't blocked me entirely. But he didn't reply. I was admitted overnight and he knew that but didn't even check to see how i was. So I'm guessing that's it now. I have deleted all his numbers etc and have since found out he tried to get money from my adults daughters, presumably for drugs and he had asked neighbours for money loans too when i was out.
I am heartbroken but trying to he strong Hes ended it a few times like that but never blocked me before so I don't think he will be in contact again even though he always said he couldn't ever live without me. I know being with him as he is just isnt an option.. he doesn't want recovery enough and constantly lies and steals. I just keep thinking of the good times and I miss him so much. He only lives down the road so I could go there but I won't. I just.cant take any more rejection. What do I do? Just.hooe he doesn't contact me and move on? He has NOBODY except me. His family all disowned him, his kids hardly bother with him due to his past and he has no friends here. And he may even go to prison and I would never know which breaks my heart x
I am a drugs and alcohol counseller do I guess I had more patience and understanding than his exes..a year into him living here I asked him to move out.. he rents a room in a house down the road. I asked him to go because je was constantly criticising and being bossy to my 11 year old twins and upsetting them, he stole money from my bank, all if my food shopping money in fact.. he stole my children's money boxes and told me I had probably thrown them away by accident when I was decorating. He would steal food from my home and deny it. His moods would fluctuate dramatically and sometimes he could go from happy to furious in seconds over very small things and there was no talking to him. I always found empty coke wraps in his wallet and he always denied how they got there and he even used my car to pick up drugs.
he went through 6 different jobs in 2 years, sacked every time for stealing goods (he's an electrician engineer so the goods were expensive)
he would often say he's coming over then go on a binge and switch his phone off for 2 days then I would get a text saying it was over
Thata what's happened this time. He has been doing online AA meetings, only a few a week to please me I'm sure. But Wednesday he did one and it often triggers him. He then kept texting saying he Will be over soon and called to say be there in 15 minutes. He didnt turn up and switched his phone off. Thursday am I woke up to a text around 3am saying "sorry about tonight baby I love you do so much but u can't do this anymore I'm not in the right place"
we hadn't argued, in fact we were getting on really well anwere had promised new year new start etc...I tried to ask him over and over what he meant but he didn't reply. Friday I ended up in hospital with a huge panic attack. I have heart failure so I have to be very careful with stress. I text him and he eventually called me...instead of asking how I was he shouted "did you give the police my f'ing address!" Turns out the police knocked on the door at his rented room with a warrant for his arrest and failure to attend court. He was arrested 4 months into our relationship for stealing goods and selling them on at cash convertors. He did this frequently but one company went to the police.
I started to cry on the phone then he was all nice like calm down baby calm down and then i asked again why he had finsihed with me.and he said because I was a control freak and complained that night that he was coming round later than expected. In the end he hung up.
I had a text saturday am, asking how I was and I said not good...I said I wanted to talk things over and he got mad again saying this is the last message and he's blocking me and he did. He blocked me on whats app only.
I ended up back in hospital yesterday on a heart monitor as my heart rate wouldn't come back down due to stress so I sent him a normal sms text message. It said delivered so I know he hasn't blocked me entirely. But he didn't reply. I was admitted overnight and he knew that but didn't even check to see how i was. So I'm guessing that's it now. I have deleted all his numbers etc and have since found out he tried to get money from my adults daughters, presumably for drugs and he had asked neighbours for money loans too when i was out.
I am heartbroken but trying to he strong Hes ended it a few times like that but never blocked me before so I don't think he will be in contact again even though he always said he couldn't ever live without me. I know being with him as he is just isnt an option.. he doesn't want recovery enough and constantly lies and steals. I just keep thinking of the good times and I miss him so much. He only lives down the road so I could go there but I won't. I just.cant take any more rejection. What do I do? Just.hooe he doesn't contact me and move on? He has NOBODY except me. His family all disowned him, his kids hardly bother with him due to his past and he has no friends here. And he may even go to prison and I would never know which breaks my heart x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I'm so sorry to hear your story. Much of it resonates with my own.
you are unwell and must prioritize your own health. You cannot look after your children if you are ill. I know that one, I've been there. Your fiance is not a child and can take care of himself. Your children are not yet adults.
If I could turn back the clock, I would tell myself to go no contact and to stop clutching to those "good times". Yes there were many but they were "given" at such a high cost.
It's hard to believe now but there will be many more good times in the future and they will be better good times.
Also, your fiance can live without you. Sounds like he has a bumpy road ahead. While he is off down that road you can take a different track. The one where you get well, look after yourself and your children and make some really good times.
you are unwell and must prioritize your own health. You cannot look after your children if you are ill. I know that one, I've been there. Your fiance is not a child and can take care of himself. Your children are not yet adults.
If I could turn back the clock, I would tell myself to go no contact and to stop clutching to those "good times". Yes there were many but they were "given" at such a high cost.
It's hard to believe now but there will be many more good times in the future and they will be better good times.
Also, your fiance can live without you. Sounds like he has a bumpy road ahead. While he is off down that road you can take a different track. The one where you get well, look after yourself and your children and make some really good times.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I'm sorry you are going through this, but please get counseling & support for yourself to
to work through this. I suspect your children have been negatively impacted by
this and they are still young enough to recover and not adopt dysfunctional
coping mechanisms and also learn from you what a healthy relationship
really is all about and what kind of behaviors they should never
accept from a person. Please make your children and your own health a priority now.
to work through this. I suspect your children have been negatively impacted by
this and they are still young enough to recover and not adopt dysfunctional
coping mechanisms and also learn from you what a healthy relationship
really is all about and what kind of behaviors they should never
accept from a person. Please make your children and your own health a priority now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kitty.......I wish that I could give you a message that would take your current pain away, but, I can't----due to the reality of the situation, as you have explained it.
This person is in fullblown addiction and it will destroy you and your children if you let it. It can destroy you physically and mentally. And, your twins are at an extremely pivotal age of 11 years. The impact on their lives will be even greater than on yours---and, they need their mother to be whole and healthy.
You cannot change his addiction and you cannot help him or cure him. You can only enable him. He is only capable of thinking about his next fix and nothing will stand in his way of getting it.
My message to you is that you DO have the ability to save yourself and be as good a parent to your children as possible. In fact, it is your responsibility to take care of your self and the kids. Nobody else is going to...and your boyfriend is not inclined to or able to care for you or your children.
Sometimes we become attracted and attached to someone who is simply not good for us---not good for our overall welfare. You aren't the first, and also will no be the last...LOL. It can happen to any of us.
For you, you can expect to go through a period of grieving...you have probably already started. We always grieve and morn the loss of that which we have put ourselves into. And, I can tell you from experience that grieving a lost or failed relationship is no fun. It hurts like He** for a while....then, we heal and move on---hopefully, wiser.
There is no other option but to face the grief and go through it. I call it "The short-term pain for the LONG-Term gain.
Staying in the relationship means long term pain forever---which just gets worse and worse until it takes all of the joy and life out of us.
For you, I suggest that you go no contact with him. The more contact, the harder it is for you to make a break.
Please, please get a counselor for yourself and get a support community for yourself.....alanon is a good way to start. A support community is essential, in my opinion.
Get a copy of "Co-dependent No more" and read it. It will resonate with you a lot, I think. It is easy to read and is the most recommended book on this forum.
We have a library of hundreds of articles in our "library". I suggest that you read one of them every single day. There is soooo much to learn.
Knowledge is power,
Would you like a link to our "library" of excellent articles?
This person is in fullblown addiction and it will destroy you and your children if you let it. It can destroy you physically and mentally. And, your twins are at an extremely pivotal age of 11 years. The impact on their lives will be even greater than on yours---and, they need their mother to be whole and healthy.
You cannot change his addiction and you cannot help him or cure him. You can only enable him. He is only capable of thinking about his next fix and nothing will stand in his way of getting it.
My message to you is that you DO have the ability to save yourself and be as good a parent to your children as possible. In fact, it is your responsibility to take care of your self and the kids. Nobody else is going to...and your boyfriend is not inclined to or able to care for you or your children.
Sometimes we become attracted and attached to someone who is simply not good for us---not good for our overall welfare. You aren't the first, and also will no be the last...LOL. It can happen to any of us.
For you, you can expect to go through a period of grieving...you have probably already started. We always grieve and morn the loss of that which we have put ourselves into. And, I can tell you from experience that grieving a lost or failed relationship is no fun. It hurts like He** for a while....then, we heal and move on---hopefully, wiser.
There is no other option but to face the grief and go through it. I call it "The short-term pain for the LONG-Term gain.
Staying in the relationship means long term pain forever---which just gets worse and worse until it takes all of the joy and life out of us.
For you, I suggest that you go no contact with him. The more contact, the harder it is for you to make a break.
Please, please get a counselor for yourself and get a support community for yourself.....alanon is a good way to start. A support community is essential, in my opinion.
Get a copy of "Co-dependent No more" and read it. It will resonate with you a lot, I think. It is easy to read and is the most recommended book on this forum.
We have a library of hundreds of articles in our "library". I suggest that you read one of them every single day. There is soooo much to learn.
Knowledge is power,
Would you like a link to our "library" of excellent articles?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 8
Thank you all. I went to his place yesterday 4pm as I couldn't take the stess anymore and needed answers. A lovely lady who lived downstairs let me in and explained he had been arrested at 11pm Saturday night and taken away. She said she knew he was on drugs and often.
heard him shouting at people in the phone. She also said that a little while after he had been arrested, the landlord raced in and went into his room and removed bad upon bag upon bag of drugs. Weed, pills, coke you name it. Hes only lived in this house since December but got very friendly with the landlord quickly and I was convinced he was running drugs for him, if not dealing.
This explained everything.
I was upset that the 1 phone call he would have got was to this dangerous guy not me..I guess he was saving himself.
So now hes in a cell somewhere awaiting court.. They won't let him out because the charges are theft from a company, failing to attend a court hearing and perverting the course of justice.by giving a false address. There is a good chance he will go to prison. The initial arrest was made 2 years ago when we hadn't been together long. He has basically been running from the police ever since..I actually hope he goes to prison.. I think it will do him good.
I just keep thinking of him lonely and scared in the cell and wondering if he needs me.
I really just want him to call me but I know that's dumb of me as he's just no good for me.
heard him shouting at people in the phone. She also said that a little while after he had been arrested, the landlord raced in and went into his room and removed bad upon bag upon bag of drugs. Weed, pills, coke you name it. Hes only lived in this house since December but got very friendly with the landlord quickly and I was convinced he was running drugs for him, if not dealing.
This explained everything.
I was upset that the 1 phone call he would have got was to this dangerous guy not me..I guess he was saving himself.
So now hes in a cell somewhere awaiting court.. They won't let him out because the charges are theft from a company, failing to attend a court hearing and perverting the course of justice.by giving a false address. There is a good chance he will go to prison. The initial arrest was made 2 years ago when we hadn't been together long. He has basically been running from the police ever since..I actually hope he goes to prison.. I think it will do him good.
I just keep thinking of him lonely and scared in the cell and wondering if he needs me.
I really just want him to call me but I know that's dumb of me as he's just no good for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Kitty115 
I just keep thinking of the good times and I miss him so much.
It's, of course, very normal to think of the good times when you have broken up with someone, even if there were some seriously bad times. It can help to make a list, a hard copy or on your phone, of all the not so good times, just short and to the point so you can refer to it whenever those good time ruminations start, something like:
- Asked my children for money
- Often didn't show up when he said he would
- Yelled often and started arguments
etc etc
You get the idea, just so you can refer to it quickly.
He may be a really good guy deep down, but never forget he is also a not so good guy, it's great you drew a boundary and asked him to move out when you did.
You will not always feel this terrible, you will start feeling better and better the longer you are out of contact with him and most importantly, the more you focus on yourself and your wellbeing. Getting sleep as you can, being sure to eat well, a little bit of exercise or getting outside and keeping in close contact with friends and family if you can.
Posting here and reading around the forum will help too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Kitty115
I really just want him to call me but I know that's dumb of me as he's just no good for me.
It's going to take time to get over him. Of course he would call the dealer, to ensure the drugs are safe. For an addicts, the drugs are the most important thing (as you probably know). That was true for him a week ago and a month ago and today.
When you have some time away from him you will start to really see what he is. When you are caught up in the drama and the come-here go-away cycle it can be difficult to really get perspective.
I wouldn't worry about him too awfully much.
Have you heard of the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? I'm not saying you are codependent, of course, it just has a lot of good information about boundaries in relationships and relationships in general that you might find really interesting and helpful. It's the most recommended book around here.
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