Mashabo

A little update, I need to share this.

So this Christmas and New year the fam (my mom and sis in law) of my STBX invited me to spend it with them. I agreed, as I had no one to spend it with and the only close people I have here are them. And as they said HE was not planning to spend it with them but with his father at the farm.

So I spend nice Xmas with them. Ok the 30th he called his mom to ask what was her plan for New Year, she told him the the 3 of us were going to spend together, he said nothing.

We spend nice New Year, everything was great. I decided that after new year I would send him the message saying that I know about his affair with psychologist. Because I felt after all this time that I still wanted to do it.

Today my sis in law posted a pic with the 3 of us, and probably he didn’t like it or idk. So he texted me

“Hi, I don’t know if is not clear for you, but we are separated, we haven’t sign the papers because I don’t have money. I am working hard to be able to have the money as soon as possible.” btw it’s been 2 months already since he came out of rehab and was working , he even bought a moto and says he doesn’t have money.

That message was so insensitive and hurtful, because he did nothing to help me in anything and literally abandoned me and on the top of that expects his family to do the same.
Besides, he borrowed some money from me that he hasn’t returned.

So I sent him the message that I prepared for him.
his answer : “Is your choice what feeling you take with you after all this, (guilt), (bad feelings) or imaginary things that I have someone else.”

IMAGINARY things.

So I said “If you want me to send you photo of you two kissing - I can. But why prove you something you know yourself?
It’s on your conscience”
Him “No you can’t, my conscience is ok. As I told you, you decide what you want to take with you self, because only you will live with that.”
Me “Don’t worry, what I take with myself is the truth. Nothing else”
Him “And is not new for me to expect from you any kind of revenge, because you did it before. So trust me nothing can hurt me now.”

How he keeps manipulating, blaming, guilt tripping, keeps thinking he is getting away with his lies. It’s better to convince himself that I am doing a revenge than be honest. By “you did it before” he means that I told his family about his addiction after 2 years battling with it myself and seeing his suffering.

And now after 11 months in “recovery”, after rehab, being supposedly “so grateful” to save his life, and feel like at home at that rehab, finally fixing his issues with his father he sees nothing good in me telling his parents, he thinks it was my revenge....

It hurts beyond he**. I don’t recognize that person. And I know him consuming wasn’t really him either, but now, it’s like the worst version of him. Living “clean” from drugs but behaving this way it’s just incredibly sad.

Ariesagain

I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard to shift your thinking and stop expecting the person you once knew to be the person you once knew.

But he’s gone. Sometimes I think advanced addiction is essentially DIY malignant narcissism...ultimately, it can turn anyone pathologically selfish, dishonest, and cruel. He’s there now. Any further conversation with him will only lead to more pain for you.

The poor deluded “psychologist” is just a symptom. Try not to let that get to you. She’s his next victim...it’s just a matter of time.

Get yourself a lawyer and get yourself legally extricated from him. A much better life for you is out there.

trailmix

Hi Mashabo, good to hear from you but I'm sorry you got hurt once more.
.

• I don’t recognize that person
• I know him consuming wasn’t really him either
• but now, it’s like the worst version of him

This way of thinking will allow you to keep getting hurt. I know that you would love to have him "revert" to some person he may or may not have been (he may have been putting on a good show) but that is not the reality. He is who he is, right now, today.

The guy that lies and cheats and lies some more. Who gets involved with a person who, in theory, was supposed to be trying to help him get in to recovery. Who is hateful and mean. This is not a "version" of him, this IS him.

Mashabo

Thank you very much for those words! I believe something better is out there for me, it’s just a little hard to see sometime, but I know you are right!

Mashabo

Yes, I know you are right. This IS him, not a version. It’s just incredible how professionally he made up an image of himself that everyone believed for so long, and it’s still hard for me to brake that illusion. I feel like his resentment towards me telling his family is really about breaking that image in front of everyone. And of course instead of realizing his responsibility in it he prefers to blame me and tell me I did it out of revenge. And in this case it’s very convenient too, instead of take responsibility for his ******* lie - he blames me.

ironwill

Hi Mashabo,

Sorry for your sadness. Like Trailmix said this is the real him. He might be 11 months into recovery, but he is no where near recovery in the way he is acting. He will place blame on anyone but himself. He cheats and lies and believes he has done nothing wrong. I know you would just like him to be honest and admit what he has done, but you will not get that from him. He see you as the person who turned him in. Who made him look bad to his parents. You did nothing wrong here. There was no revenge on your part. Just more of him trying to break you down and place blame on anyone but himself.

I hope you are able to move on from this and know that you are a kind and loving person. You are strong and this is what will get you to where you want to be in life.

Mashabo

Thank you very much, ironwill! Your words help me a lot. It just hurts so much, knowing that you did nothing wrong but loving and supporting that person and instead get treated like a piece of sh*t. I know in my heart I didn’t do any revenge to him and it’s sad to see how he planted that seed and use it every time he gets the chance. He is definitely far from recovery road as it is. Blaming everyone seems to be the best thing he can do.

I hope to move on from this fast! I can’t say I’m doing bad now, my health is good, I sleep and eat good. My work is not affected. But I definitely keep thinking about him and feeling abandoned and being treated unfairly.

ironwill

Hi Mashabo,

I hope you can move past this quickly also. Though our minds somehow wont just let us escape the past. As much as we want to somedays. I will say with time the feelings and memories will not accrue as often. Every now and then they will pop up in your head for no apparent reason and you will be asking yourself the "why" questions. I still get them from when my RAW lied, manipulated and cheated on me. It hurt really bad back then, but with time the pain faded. This forum and the knowledgeable people here have taught me so much. I have made great steps in moving forward and learning about what alcohol and addiction can do to a person. Something I had no clue about before coming here. Have a great day and keep being strong