HopeUnending

AH made it through Christmas and the weekend not drinking, not sick from drinking. First time for us. It was pre-planned by him earlier this month, but I never knew if it would happen.
So now it's back to work, life as usual and I'm finding myself feeling all the effects of me bracing for the next binge. Racing thoughts, nervous stomach, and tension consume me. I know I can't control his choice to drink nor the slew of poor decisions and behaviors that follow. I am rarely able to relax anymore fearing what I know I cannot do anything about (immediately anyway).
I do have long term intentions to leave but I am trying to figure out what to do to make this happen. I realize it will be a not so immediate future move.
How do I stop myself from worrying over what hasn't happened yet? It's more of flooding flashbacks of all I've dealt with when he's drinking, with fear of what will happen this time, how will he act, and absolute dread. What did you find helped to distract from these invasive thoughts, fears?

ErinGoBragh

Have you given Al-Anon a try? How about counseling? I found that venting my fears and frustrations to a counselor and fellow Al-Anon members helped me get a handle on how to manage my own feelings. I also put a lot of energy into planning my exit strategy. In fact, the more I worked on getting out - and having a deadline set for that - the better I was able to disengage from the alcoholic's behavior.

LLLisa

Have you tried grey rocking him? I did this in the months before my XAH left the home. The worrying and the flashbacks feel familiar to me in that they are part of that "walking on eggshells" feeling. It's a horrible way to live.

Ignoring his threats and demands. Ignoring all quacks. Doing my own thing, regardless of his rantings. Planing for my new future and new beginnings.

Please plan for your own future peace. You can't change him but you have the power to make things happen for yourself.

dandylion

HopeUnending......I strongly suggest that you call the dv hotline and make contact with the local domestic violence center. You don't have to be hit to qualify. emotional and verbal abuse can cause a great deal of damage. The fact that you talk about "flashbacks" is a setup for ptsd. Living in chronic fear can do that to you, also. Please don't let this go unchecked for too much longer.
The dv people understand and they absolutely Do Not judge you. They are famiiar with you kind of situation and they deal with it every day---as that is what they are trained to do. everything is held in strictest confidentiality.
Since it is only you and him, and no children involved----I suggest that when he begins another binge---leave immediately and go to the shelter of the dv center. They will allow you to come and go to safe shelter whenever you need to. They leave it up to you. They may provide you with safe alternative housing when you need to go there (when he is (binging). You can return to the house when the binge is over and he is sober again. You can make a boundary for yourself that you will only be in the house when he is sober---and the first sign of binging, that you will go to your safe house.

The dv people can also help you with counseling, medical care, housing, legal advice, financial help and financial planning, job seeking, etc. etc. they have resources at their disposal that you may not ever have thought of.

You have nothing to lose by seeking their help. that is what they are there for---and they will understand.

SmallButMighty

HU, I wish I had the magic words to help stop the anxiety you have about your AH's pattern of problematic drinking. I tried for years to find a solution I could live with, but my life kept getting more and more chaotic. He kept making the bad choices to drink and lie about it (and lying about other things) and I kept living in fear and anger thus making some poor choices of my own. I no longer trusted my spouse and that caused such a vacuum in my life that it sucked all that HAD been good between us out of existence. There was no joy in my life, only anxiety and all the crap that came with it. I was ALWAYS waiting for the next shoe(piano?) to drop.. a leaf blowing across the lawn could cause me to jump out of my skin, I was constantly on edge, wound up so tight I was ready to "sproing" at any given time.

When someone keeps showing you over and over who they are, by their actions, despite what they SAY... it's really hard, if not impossible, to not be constantly on guard, waiting for the screw up you know will happen. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior and we just can't unlearn that lesson.

My anxiety got so bad I could barely function. I was having full blown anxiety/panic attacks multiple times a day and eventually had to be medicated. I hated taking the medicine, but I had to or I couldn't even do what had to be done in a day, it's impossible to do anything when you can't breathe, your heart pounds and your head spins.

There are a lot of reasons why I decided to ultimately leave my AXH, but when he told me, **I was just going to have to take more meds, or different meds to deal with my anxiety problems, because he obviously wasn't going to change his behavior**... I knew it was time to go. It wasn't the "last", last straw,,,but it was probably the second to last straw for me. If he thought it was OK for me to have to be taking (prescribed) narcotics so I could manage to live with him and his addiction... he wasn't the right spouse for me any longer. That was a kick in the gut like no other. I know my AXH loved me, but that sure didn't feel like love to me.

I am glad you do plan to leave HU. Leaving was the only thing that cured me of my horrendous anxiety. Sharing a home with a person you don't trust is not healthy. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Sending you strength and peace while you continue to take the next right steps for you in your situation.

trailmix

You know HU, you don't actually do it to yourself. That's a negative way to think about yourself (blaming yourself), but not surprising. What you are feeling is a result of what you have been through, horrible feeling, but natural.

When we talk about the "roller coaster" of living with an alcoholic, you get to go along for the ride too! Isn't that grand. : /

They live in the highs and the lows with rarely an inbetween and so do you. The truth is you don't know what's coming next. That's pretty hard to ignore. Add on top of that, you have been living this lifestyle for a while and why wouldn't you be anxious? In fact, if you weren't, that would be unusual. You mention fear. He is abusive, both verbally and you hinted at physically as well. Fear in this instance is warranted and normal as well.

So no, it's not your fault, it just is.

On a practical level, I am assuming it is finances that are holding you back from leaving. You mention that you work. Have you done a budget to see if you could live on your own? Are there mortgage considerations as well?

As Dandylion mentioned, reaching out to DV for help would help you so much. You don't know what resources, financial or otherwise (like housing) are available to you. All you need to get that information is to pick up the phone. No, most of us don't like to as for help and especially if you are anxious, it seems "safer" somehow to just stick with the devil you know.

The truth is, a phone call can start the wheels turning in your head in another direction. Instead of ruminating about the life you are living and the fear you start making a plan. You don't have to run out the door tomorrow (but you can if you like!) but you start getting down to an actual vision of how you are going to go forward and where you will go and what that will look like. Far better for you mentally to be on that path than the - what kind of hell will there be next?

We can feel trapped, but the reality is we aren't really. That door you walk out every morning to go to work? That door can be opened at any time, to leave for good or to leave when he is drunk.

HopeUnending

Thank you all for your great and thoughtful responses. I read them all over and over to really take them in. And now I am putting together the ideas you all had to get through this.
I came home to him drunk last night, my radar is unfortunately spot on for detecting the inevitable. But I had no space or time to get back on here.
I did find some al-anon meetings online that would align with my work schedule and really am working to find a way to get get them going. I just am unsure how to do them with him around all the time. He is always home, he's not working and has no license for now. I don't see him being "ok" with me doing these meetings anyway so I'll likely need to figure some plan to be away from home to fit these in.

dandylion

HopeUnending.....what about the idea of leaving the house when he is on a bender----to a safe peaceful place, until the bender is over, That is much better for you mentally and healthwise. Dv can provide you a safe and secure and unidentified location to stay.
He has no right to treat you this way---nor to control your actions to protect yourself. It is abusive. It isn't your fault and you don't deserve it.
If he wants you there, and you want to be there---then it is his responsibility to treat you right and to be sober. that is the very minimum that you deserve.

FallenAngelina

A lot of people in iffy (or just noisy) living situations attend AlAnon meetings in their car - sitting in a park or even a parking lot. Now that most meetings are on Zoom, it's become common and accepted for people to join in any way they can - and for many that means literally on the go. Just download the Zoom app onto your phone and you're good to go. You'll fit right in and be able to fully participate from the privacy and comfort of your own vehicle.

HopeUnending

I guess I figured I chose to stay so I chose to take what comes. Seems ridiculous looking at it in writing. I asked for a partnership in marriage, vows I took, a life of love and respect but I get none of that in return or at least what I should have in return.
I blame myself for allowing myself to be distracted with worry about his drinking choices but from what you explain I can see why that probably isn't too practical of an expectation considering the ripple effect.
Financial reasons are a huge issue, we have very cheap rent, been living here for 10 years. Rent now is double this for similar housing. And there are very few options even available at all. I really need to have my dog with me as she is all that keeps me sane most days. I feel obligated to save her too from him. I have a decent job and income but the bills are 80% paid with my income leaving the rest for gas, my essentials, and part of the food. I do feel on my own closer to work and without supporting him I can do ok ob my own. I am absolutely fine sacrificing some of my current comforts to be safe, stable, and at peace.
I'm very new to zoom but I feel like I could certainly adapt to it. Silly as it sounds social anxiety is an issue too so I am a bit anxious about interacting in this forum even. But I finally worked up the courage to open up here. I feel so much better not keeping these thoughts in. Before here, his mom was my only support which she 100% understands and supports me but I still felt I needed to be able to expand into non immediate family too.
I've never realized it wasn't a all or nothing type if help. I feared losing all sense if myself by being I hiding so to speak. I honestly thought I'd have to give up all I have-job, access to money, family etc to get help. I always held DV help as last resort like life or death. I'm so glad to hear it's not like that. I've packed a bag and left to go sit in a parking lot for a couple hours. But return for various reasons. I just haven't worked up the courage to stay away and feel like I'm a bad dog owner to leave a dig in his care in that state.

Lots to think about and more importantly I have got to take control of what I can control. I sure wish i could just bottle all the courage I see on here through what so many of you have done to change your situation. It gives me hope I can do it too!

trailmix

Well, now you know that's not true.

Doesn't sound silly at all to me. Anxiety is real and it's debilitating at times. You did post on this forum though and think about the courage that took, you were scared but you did it.

That courage is in you. When you start formulating your plan, of what you would like your life to be and how you are going to do that, you will see it's kind of like posting on this forum, it might be a bit scary but good things will come from it. That doesn't take the fear away, but just taking small steps and saying, ok, I did that, didn't hurt, did help, what is the next thing I have to do - will take you a long way. As you do these things you will gain confidence as well (which probably seems impossible right now).

You know this type of life you have been living with your AH plays havoc with your self esteem and self worth too. If you are constantly bombarded with the negative, not even just about you personally, but even in general, it drags you down. Doesn't happen overnight, but it can sure happen. Think of it like a tornado you are caught up in. The great part is you have the ability to step outside that tornado, you don't have to live there, not mentally and not physically.

dandylion

HooeUnending.......Yes, I understan-d- t-ha-t t-h-er-e -is a lot of misinformation and erroneous assumptions about dv organizations. Many people assume that they are like typical homeless shelters.
I really do wish that there was more public education about dv shelters---as I think that a lot of people don't get the help that they really need.
Also. dv shelters are NOT government agencises. they are privately and independently run. Everything is held in confidence. You aren't even required to give your partner's name.
Some ---many of them are very comfortable and are located in very attractive settings. Many of them have connections---contacts that can help to give temporary foster care for the animals of the clients.
some of them have facilities that can accomodate the animals along with their owners. You can always ask them and talk to them about this matter. Their desire is to help you in any way possible, and, that includes children and pets.