MissT33

I have posted here before, but it has been a while. I want to start off by saying, posting here and getting others perspectives on my situation has been very helpful to me and I thank everyone that is taking the time to read and respond to my posts. My situation in a nutshell is, I have an eight-month-old son with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. He has never even met our child. His first reaction at the news of the pregnancy was for me to have an abortion, and said a bunch of horrible things to me. After a couple of months he came around begging for another chance and wanted to work things out. It became apparent that he had no intention of quitting drinking or changing in any way. So I cut ties for my own mental health and to protect my child. My son was born in April, my ex knew that he was due in May, and I didn’t hear from my ex until August. He begged me to meet up with him to talk about things and when I did nothing got solved, he expressed doubts that the child is even his. Which is ridiculous, there is no one else that could be the father. So he asked to do a home DNA test. I told him, I don’t need the test, you do. Go to court and establish paternity and you can request a DNA test that is official and then we can work out child support and visitation. He disappeared of course. I have not heard from him since then nor have I reached out. I have chosen to not pursue child support because at this point my ex is not on the birth certificate and has no Rights whatsoever. I have this fantasy for my son that my ex gets sober and decides to take responsibility and be a father but if that never happens I need to make peace with that. Sometimes I find myself wanting to File with the courts to establish paternity and child support but I can’t bring myself to do it. My ex has obviously shown his true colors that he truly doesn’t care for me or our son. I guess I just need some tips on how to get closure
and trying to accept that my ex has chosen alcohol and drugs over being a responsible father.I’m thankful that I have the ability to raise my son in a predictable, emotionally safe environment and I get to make my own choice about how he is parented. My sons father is an alcoholic with no clue about child emotional wellness or development and he would be a nightmare for me to have to share a child rearing role with. I guess part of me wishes I had the “normal” family and that I didn’t allow myself to feel devalued or rejected due to my ex’s behavior . If you got this far, thank you!

Ariesagain

Better to have one great parent than one good parent who is continually being undermined by a terrible parent...which takes way too much energy away from being a great parent.

Your son has you. He will always know you have his back and it doesn’t get much better than that.

And that says everything.

advbike

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Children need at least one constant, steady caregiver in their lives. That is you. Aries is absolutely correct that your ex and you together makes less, not more.

You have been strong and made great choices!

MissT33

Thank you both for reading and replying ❤️

FallenAngelina

This is actually the one part of all of this that you have total control over, the wish that you can make come true. You absolutely have the ability to treasure and value yourself, no matter the behavior of anyone else.

MissT33

Thank you fallen Angelina I appreciate your feedback

DiggingForFire

I have two kids. One I had with my alcoholic ex husband and one I had by myself (on purpose).

in my experience, if you can swing it financially not to get the child support, I would take no child support and no visitation rights any day of the week. I have a child support order and still don’t get any financial assistance anyway. But having to facilitate and allow my kid to see her dad, which I know is not in her best interest, it’s terrible. I realize that not all alcoholics are terrible parents, but the dude is not exactly giving the impression he would be a great addition to your son’s life.

I don’t feel bad for the kid with one parent, I feel bad for the one with one parent and one parent-shaped anchor in her life.

I think not accepting (and not forcing) an active alcoholic into the parenting mix, you are doing yourself and your son a huge solid.

hugs, mama. You got this

Bekindalways

I didn't have a child with my qualifier but if you read here you will find folks who are struggling with children and coparenting with an alcoholic. It sure doesn't look pretty from the outside.

It does sound like you have made the right decision. If by chance, your qualifier gets sober and decides he wants to be part of your lives that will be apparent by his actions.

May all the angels in the world dive bomb your little family.

MissT33

Digging for fire, thank you for reading and commenting. What you said was very encouraging and reassuring, I appreciate it. It’s sad that my ex chooses alcohol over his son. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and he’s in her life but bare minimum . He’s not a good example of a man unfortunately. He prioritizes alcohol above all else. I don’t pursue support. I’m not rich by any means but I’m blessed to be able to provide for my son. I’m sorry you have your own struggles coparenting. I wish you the best . Hugs back

MissT33

Be kind always, I appreciate your kindness. I agree, I’ve also heard and read of attempting to coparent with an active alcoholic. Doesn’t sound healthy or sane. I have hope in a way that my ex will get sober and make an attempt to be a father, but sadly I feel that is a long shot. Angels to you and your family as well !