My Partner attends meetings with his ex

Old 12-24-2020, 09:55 PM
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My Partner attends meetings with his ex

My partner attends the same meeting as his ex three times a week. Is it out of line for me to ask him to find another meeting? Since meetings are held by zoom right now, he can easily find another meeting without attending the same meeting as his ex who is pining for him. I feel it is an unnecessary distraction. At the same time, I dont know what the protocol is on attending a different meeting.
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Old 12-24-2020, 10:33 PM
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Hi Seekinghelp. Unnecessary distraction from his sobriety? Maybe, maybe not, but that's kind of in his court?

Why do you think he chooses to go to the same meeting as her, he must know the situation? As for protocol, he can attend any meeting he likes, or many different ones even.


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Old 12-24-2020, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi Seekinghelp. Unnecessary distraction from his sobriety? Maybe, maybe not, but that's kind of in his court?

Why do you think he chooses to go to the same meeting as her, he must know the situation? As for protocol, he can attend any meeting he likes, or many different ones even.
Hi, I do think it's a distraction from his sobriety. Would you be able to focus on the matter at hand when someone who is pining for you is in the same session?

I don't know why he chooses to attend the same meeting. I don't want to be selfish and ask him to go to a different meeting if it will interrupt his process in any way. If not, I think as his partner I have every right to say that I am not okay with him spending 3 hours a week in a meeting with an ex.
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Old 12-24-2020, 11:17 PM
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I do understand I just think it's really two different issues perhaps.

How he handles his meetings, support etc is really on his side of the street. So if it's a distraction that concerns him, he should look at that, if you know what I mean. A person's sobriety is really up to them, only they know what is a good support and what isn't.

As for the issue of the him spending 3 hours a week in meetings with his ex, personally? I would just ask him. Ask him why he has chosen to attend a meeting with his ex who he knows is pining after him. I know that ex's can be friends in some cases, but that's obviously not the case with her? Have you discussed the issue with him at all?

Have you checked out Al-Anon? They also have online meetings now and you might find them really helpful. Lots of support for you here as well, of course.

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Old 12-24-2020, 11:24 PM
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Seekinghelp....I can understand your feelings. I am not a member of AA....but I have spent a lot of time around alcoholics---both recovering ones and non recovering ones. Assuming that your partner and his ex are of different genders----there are AA meetings of same sex only....all men or all women. It sounds like he is currently attending "open" meetings.
I am wondering how early he is in his recovery?
As worrysome as this is for you---I think that the reality of it is that you get to have an opinion (naturally).....but, you don't get an actual vote on how he conducts his recovery. This is based on the principle of each person "staying on their own side of the street" when it comes to recovery.
You do have the right to make your own decision about how you handle your own opinion or feelings. this is true for any of us in any relationship. This is about your own boundaries...which you have the right to establish for your SELF.
Have the two of you discussed your discomfort with this situation? Trust can be a delicate and sensitive subject in any relationship. trust is important as is good communication with each other on the emotional issues.
It is slow, today, on the forum. due to the holiday---holidays and weekends tend to be slower.
There should be some recovering alcoholics, coming along, who can address your specific question much better than I am able to. They will know much more about the workings of AA.
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Old 12-25-2020, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I do understand I just think it's really two different issues perhaps.

How he handles his meetings, support etc is really on his side of the street. So if it's a distraction that concerns him, he should look at that, if you know what I mean. A person's sobriety is really up to them, only they know what is a good support and what isn't.

As for the issue of the him spending 3 hours a week in meetings with his ex, personally? I would just ask him. Ask him why he has chosen to attend a meeting with his ex who he knows is pining after him. I know that ex's can be friends in some cases, but that's obviously not the case with her? Have you discussed the issue with him at all?

Have you checked out Al-Anon? They also have online meetings now and you might find them really helpful. Lots of support for you here as well, of course.
I have not discussed the issue with him. I just asked if it is awkward to attend the same meeting as her to which he responded that it isn't and he will say hi to her if she is in the right mood. He also described her as currently "spiraling" and a mutual friend called him to say that they need to conduct an intervention. This has not talen place yet. He does communicate very openly with me but his is a fairly new relationship. You are right, it is two different issues here and one is his choice. The second is very much mine in that I can choose to address this with him. There seems to be an unhealthy attachment from her side which makes me uncomfortable.
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Old 12-25-2020, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Seekinghelp....I can understand your feelings. I am not a member of AA....but I have spent a lot of time around alcoholics---both recovering ones and non recovering ones. Assuming that your partner and his ex are of different genders----there are AA meetings of same sex only....all men or all women. It sounds like he is currently attending "open" meetings.
I am wondering how early he is in his recovery?
As worrysome as this is for you---I think that the reality of it is that you get to have an opinion (naturally).....but, you don't get an actual vote on how he conducts his recovery. This is based on the principle of each person "staying on their own side of the street" when it comes to recovery.
You do have the right to make your own decision about how you handle your own opinion or feelings. this is true for any of us in any relationship. This is about your own boundaries...which you have the right to establish for your SELF.
Have the two of you discussed your discomfort with this situation? Trust can be a delicate and sensitive subject in any relationship. trust is important as is good communication with each other on the emotional issues.
It is slow, today, on the forum. due to the holiday---holidays and weekends tend to be slower.
There should be some recovering alcoholics, coming along, who can address your specific question much better than I am able to. They will know much more about the workings of AA.
He does attend "stag " meetings in addition to the open meetings and no. I have not addressed this with him. I just asked of it felt awkward attending the meetings when she is still pining for him. They dated for 6 months and he ended it 5 months ago. We've been dating/a couple for just a month so I don't feel I have a right to say anything just yet but of course I am human. I do trust him but I feel that if he continues to attend meetings with her when there are other meetings available, she will think he is seeking her out. According to him, she is spiraling and 2 weeks ago he recieved phone call from a mutual friend staring that they might need to conduct an intervention. He is honest to a fault but this disclosure made me uncomfortable as they have a bond through AA that I am not a part of and never will be.
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Old 12-25-2020, 06:58 AM
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Well, there are always exes it seems.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery but I'm female so I would likely feel like you do if I had this information.

I personally don't stay "friends" with exes. They are exes for a reason. I think many men feel differently about this and especially with the "damsel in distress," thing she has going on, but just because they attend the same Zoom AA meeting doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong.

You'll have to continue to make choices in your relationship based on your gut instinct and you're going to have to figure out where you stand on this. If it were me, I wouldn't be involved with anyone who is in early recovery (say, the first couple years) - so that's where I would draw the line. Any new relationship in new sobriety is going to be confusing and likely drama filled.

You haven't really been seeing him long enough to know much about him. I would be very cautious and as they say, "More will be revealed."
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Old 12-25-2020, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, there are always exes it seems.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery but I'm female so I would likely feel like you do if I had this information.

I personally don't stay "friends" with exes. They are exes for a reason. I think many men feel differently about this and especially with the "damsel in distress," thing she has going on, but just because they attend the same Zoom AA meeting doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong.

You'll have to continue to make choices in your relationship based on your gut instinct and you're going to have to figure out where you stand on this. If it were me, I wouldn't be involved with anyone who is in early recovery (say, the first couple years) - so that's where I would draw the line. Any new relationship in new sobriety is going to be confusing and likely drama filled.

You haven't really been seeing him long enough to know much about him. I would be very cautious and as they say, "More will be revealed."
You are absolutely correct on all accounts. He is well over 2 years in recovery but I am being very cautious. She is very much "a damsel in distress". Not only is she in recovery but she has been unemployed for many years and is also disabled. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum as I am financially stable, physically healthy, and independent. I think I will ask if there is a particular reason he feels compelled to attend that meeting and if we continue dating, would he be open to finding another one.
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Old 12-25-2020, 09:21 AM
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As far as "protocol" with AA meetings, why don't you sit in on a few of them yourself? This is the perfect time since there are so many on Zoom. Just find an "Open" meeting: that means anyone is welcome to attend and you don't need to say why you're there. You don't have to be an alcoholic. You can even leave your camera and mic turned off, and use anonymous. "Just listening," is a valid reply always. Open meetings are basically like a church or Sunday School meeting - everyone is welcome and there is a certain feel to each one.

He can go to any meeting. Again, it's like Sunday School. Come and go where you feel comfortable. He may have lots of friends in that meeting. It's no different than any other social gathering where an Ex might be allowed to be - a bar, a party, church, work, etc. I wouldn't read too much into it.


Yet.
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Old 12-25-2020, 09:34 AM
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seekinghelp......since it is only 2 months that you have been a dating couple....it is still early days....and, I like bimminiblue's statement that "more will be revealed" I am so glad to hear that he has more than 2 years of being in recovery. That part is good---especially that he is attending his program on a regular basis. That is so essential for him.
The first several years of dating. for everyone. is very much an exploration period. It takes a long time to really get to know another person. It is true that all aspects of the person will. eventually, bubble to the surface in any relationshiop....it is just a matter of time. All of their most guarded issues and all of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities just bubble to the surface. trust issues---the presence or absence of it.
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Old 12-25-2020, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
seekinghelp......since it is only 2 months that you have been a dating couple....it is still early days....and, I like bimminiblue's statement that "more will be revealed" I am so glad to hear that he has more than 2 years of being in recovery. That part is good---especially that he is attending his program on a regular basis. That is so essential for him.
The first several years of dating. for everyone. is very much an exploration period. It takes a long time to really get to know another person. It is true that all aspects of the person will. eventually, bubble to the surface in any relationshiop....it is just a matter of time. All of their most guarded issues and all of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities just bubble to the surface. trust issues---the presence or absence of it.
Yes, our relationship is in it's infancy but we are both in our forties and not spring chicken I believe in strong boundaries in a relationship. I want to make sure that I am not crossing some invisible AA boundary by even telling him that this is a cause for concern for me. I also value my boundaries which include my partner not maintaining an unhealthy connection to an ex. It's a balancing act, for sure.
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Old 12-25-2020, 10:39 AM
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Seekinghelp.....you will oprobably think that i am splitting hairs----but, what you describe as a boundary for yourself is, realy, a Rule that you expect him to live by (in the strictest sense).
The actual boundary, for yourself, in this, would be----"I will not be in a relationship where my partner maintains an unhealthy connection with an ex. And/or...I will make it clear to my partner that I do not approve of and will not put up with that kind of thing".
It will be up to him if he wants to continue to make that kind of asssociation with the ex. However---the big however--it will be up to you to enforce your own boundary.
Others may Choose to honor our wishes---but, they cannot be expected to enforce our own boundaries that we have made to protect ourselves.
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Old 12-25-2020, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Seekinghelp.....you will oprobably think that i am splitting hairs----but, what you describe as a boundary for yourself is, realy, a Rule that you expect him to live by (in the strictest sense).
The actual boundary, for yourself, in this, would be----"I will not be in a relationship where my partner maintains an unhealthy connection with an ex. And/or...I will make it clear to my partner that I do not approve of and will not put up with that kind of thing".
It will be up to him if he wants to continue to make that kind of asssociation with the ex. However---the big however--it will be up to you to enforce your own boundary.
Others may Choose to honor our wishes---but, they cannot be expected to enforce our own boundaries that we have made to protect ourselves.
I think we are both saying the same thing and maybe using a different definition. I am not trying to enforce anything on him but if anyone (including my current partner) doesn't respect my boundaries I simply leave the relationship as it doesn't work for me. That is not a judgement on his character but simply means that we are not a romantic match.
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Old 12-25-2020, 10:50 AM
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SeekingHelp-----you might not be a spring chicken----but, in your forties you are a middle chicken---and that is still pleanty young. I, actually, don't think that, in the matter of getting to know a person really well, age m akes that much difference. It takes a while for people to revela their guarded, vulnerable underbellies to another person.

Old recovery joke....."How do you know when a co-dependent and an alcoholic are on a first date? "There is a U-Haul in the driveway."
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Old 12-25-2020, 11:01 AM
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Seekinghelp-------Bingo!! (about the rules and boundaries thing).
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Old 12-25-2020, 11:13 AM
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How many other people are on this Zoom meeting? If you’re talking three people, that’s one thing. If you’re talking 30 people, that’s another.

Honestly, making an issue of it at this point seems counterproductive? After all, she can pine all she wants to, what matters is how he feels about it. If he’s well and truly over her and it doesn’t seem like he’s connecting with her outside of the meetings, maybe better to trust for now? His recovery program is working for him and disrupting that for this reason seems like a baby and bath water situation?

TL;DR...give it time?
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Old 12-25-2020, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Seekinghelp-------Bingo!! (about the rules and boundaries thing).
The reason I posed the question here is to make sure that I am not asking him to do something that would interfere with his recovery. If it were a different scenario...say he regularly meets friends to play a poker game 3 times a week and his ex is part of this group, I would be having a discussion about it. He knows that dating someone in recovery is absolutely frightening for me. I am not a risk taker and have worked hard to build an easy and peaceful life for myself.
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Old 12-25-2020, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
SeekingHelp-----you might not be a spring chicken----but, in your forties you are a middle chicken---and that is still pleanty young. I, actually, don't think that, in the matter of getting to know a person really well, age m akes that much difference. It takes a while for people to revela their guarded, vulnerable underbellies to another person.

Old recovery joke....."How do you know when a co-dependent and an alcoholic are on a first date? "There is a U-Haul in the driveway."
The reason I brought up my age is that it is much harder for someone to pull the wool over my eyes. Also, I have zero tolerance for ******** from romantic partners. I would rather be single and have peace in my life. Ten years ago, I may have let this go for a bit.
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Old 12-25-2020, 12:08 PM
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Seekinghelp, focusing on what is or isn't right for someone else's recovery program is a thought path that rarely goes well. What is your recovery program?
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