Mango blast

After asking and wondering for far too long if my husband's drinking has turned into a problem, searching the net for info on heavy drinkers and alcoholism, checking the amount of booze to see what he's gone through, including the stashed bottles that I never said anything about since I didn't want him hiding them in other spots I wouldn't know about... well, I finally got up the courage to talk to his doctor last week. And afterwards I realized how much I was downplaying and trying to deny the problem when it's right there every day and slowly getting worse each year. Thankfully the doc was very open and understanding - not judgemental, but acknowledging this as a legitimate problem, and one more serious than I've been willing to admit. With all my searching before I hadn't ran across the phrase "functioning alcoholic" until today. That's him. Doesn't get hangovers, doesn't miss work, doesn't black out or have memory losses (that I know of or that he'd admit to), has lots of friends who would never guess he has a drinking problem -- hey, nothing wrong with having a bit of whiskey once in a while! or so I've been told.

I thought my next step of getting him to realize the problem would be the hardest, but after reading through many threads here I realize it's only the beginning of a long journey and although I can support him I cannot travel it for him. I cannot live his life; I need to live mine.

That being said, what will my role be now? I will be talking to him sometime this week, maybe tomorrow or maybe I'll chicken out and put it off. No. I know I can't. He has my full support and love and I won't talk to anyone else besides the doctor about this until after I talk to him. But I am done being quiet about this and so I do need to talk to him. What he decides to do is his decision, but I am NO LONGER going to be an enabler. I am going to talk to him. I am going to try to get him to at least talk to the doctor. I am going to go to Al-anon. If he faces his problems I hope we will both be able to talk to our kids about this, but if not I will be letting him know I will be telling them by a certain point. I realize this is a disease, but to not treat it and expect it to go away it isn't possible. It's never going away. That really sucks, but it's not. The kids eventually need to know about this.

His dad was an alcoholic, recovered and died young. There's a family history of alcohol abuse with his siblings. If he wants support in recovering he'll get it. If he wants drinking buddies he'll get those even easier.

I think I just figured one thing out though. My new role -- simply his wife and friend. To stand by him but no longer try to cover up for him or 'hint' to anyone about his drinking. If I have something to say, I'll say it -yes, non-judgementally as possible, but no longer hiding it. I've told him before (several times this year) that I was concerned about his drinking and he said he'd cut back, but that's basically all that's ever been said about it.

Please wish me luck and send a few prayers my way this week. Any advice or articles to read are more than welcome. How do you fight a disease like this one? When I talk to him I will be telling him I'm worried about his health and keep that at the forefront. That is exactly what I'm worried about. He's also a tobacco user - which the doc is highly concerned about also and said it's a big double whammy with the alcohol on top.

He's not one for doctor's, 'programs', medical support or group support, but now I realize it's not as easy as just cutting back or quitting for a few weeks but something that's physically and mentally going to be very very hard to get through even if he WANTS to. Any advice for him or me would be welcome.

faith

bookworm

Al-Anon is a very, very good start. I don't know how familiar you are with the 12 steps, but they really helped me deal with G's alcoholism far more successfully than before I discovered Al-Anon. There are some really good books - anything by Melodie Beattie, Al-Anons own "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" and heaps more.

When I first told G that I was going to Al-Anon meetings, his reaction was hostile and really bitchy (he can put most girls to shame in the bitchiness stakes at times ) but once he understood that there was nothing he could do to stop me, he backed off and as I absorbed the knowledge and wisdom of Al-Anon philosophy that I needed to for me, things began to improve, and they still are improving. His drinking is getting worse, along with his health (he's a smoker as well) but we talk about it openly without fighting now which is amazing. I have finally learnt that I have no right to judge him, or to tell him how to live his life. I've learnt to keep my mouth shut about things I don't understand and I've learnt to listen far more. If I'm angry or upset, I don't chastise myself for feeling that way but I don't blame anybody else for it, either. Everything seems to be in perspective more than it was and I see G as he is. As a lovely man with one mother of a problem, which I can't hope to cure.

I still feel very sad at times, but I've let go of the responsibility I thought I had of making G better and that's given me the freedom to spend some time looking after me. I really hope you do go to meetings because that elephant in the lounge can be a real pain in the a**
Big Hug for you Faith

Dee at Mt Bully

This is tough. When I first realized my H had a problem we would have these sit down chats and I would tell him how much he drank and how he is verbally abusive when he
drinks. Of course he always says I'll cut back--and never does. Finally I talked to my
counselor and she suggested I go to alanon. After one meeting I knew my H is an A.
It was hard to tell him that I knew he is an A and I am a codie. He still won't admit to
anything. He will say he drinks a little to much and it has caused marraige problems
but he will not say that he is an A and he won't get help. At first I was very frustated with the whole mess and I wanted a quick fix solution. Now I realize it doesn't work
that way and I try to work on myself everyday. Really the only thing we can do is to try not to enable them and work on ourselves. I did all the things-covering up--making
excuses--fixing everything--etc. Now I don't-I still haven't told his family the truth
about things,but I haven't covered for him either. It's a long slow process. We are all
here for you so keep coming back. Smiles--Dee

Mango blast

Thank you, bookworm. That helps a lot. It's a 1-2 hour drive to the nearest meeting but I know going will be a step in the right direction. I've been thinking of that d@ng elephant all day. Now I finally see him, instead of just hearing him when the cupboard door opens or the beer can pops open. Does he ever go away?

I don't think AH has been drinking tonight (the booze bottles are dry asfaik), but I'm never sure. I don't want to talk to him about this tomorrow but when I think about putting it off I know that is very wrong. He's been sick and I might be able to get him to go back to the doctor. I'm hoping that bringing it up there will be better, but whether or not he gets mad there I'm sure he will be mad on the way home. If I let him know I want us to talk to the doc together about his drinking maybe that would diffuse his anger on that and let it get out beforehand? It's a long drive there.

faith

JennyK

Faith...I have been there and had that conversation many times over the past years. I really do advise that you have very low expectations about what will happen. It is a long and hard and frustrating process, especially if your focus is on your husband.

I learned quickly that I had to stop worrying if what I was doing was effecting him.

He told me that the day I told him I needed therapy due to his drinking was the worst day of his life and that he would stop...he is still drinking.

He told me that they day he told our 3 year old to "Shut Up and go away" was unacceptable and he would stop...he is still drinking.

He told me that the day he passed out half way up the stairs at 2 in the afternoon was the end...he is still drinking.

He told me that his DUI 2 months ago was the end of it and he came home totally wasted today and many days in between.

I have learned never to believe his words...only his actions. And they are clear. No matter what you say to him, know that he will respond with the words of an alcoholic.

Work on yourself and your reactions...focus all of your energy on what YOU have control over and that is only yourself and your behavior and your response.

You are on the right path of a VERY long and hard road. Many many prayers to you and tons of energy vibes as well.

Jenny

JennyK

I just reread what I wrote and realized that it is my VERY bad week speaking. Take it with that knowledge in mind. Although I do think that shifting the focus to YOU is of upmost importance. Even noting whether or not he is drinking is putting a lot of energy and time into him (and that makes no difference). Put that energy and time into yourself...you have no control over whether or not he drinks....it took me YEARS to realize that. Until I found a forum simliar to this and friends with Alanon experience did I realize how much of my life energy was spent on something that was not mine to control or manage. You are so smart to have found a forum to help you early on. Many prayers and much strength to you.

wraybear

Faith, my prayers are with you. Addiction is a horrible thing. But, it sounds like you are on the right track in getting yourself help, and not lying to kids or family anymore. They may already know there is a problem anyway. And, if we did a survey, I would guess 95% of our A's are functioning. That's another reason I think many of us stay in denial so long. We have an image of an A living on the street, being a bumb, etc. But, that is a very small percentage of them. Anyway, hope you have a decent day tomorrow and I hope during your talk with him you can focus on what you are going to do for YOU and your family.

Cando

I told my daughter a couple of times I was concerned about her drinking, but it never did any good (however, you don't know what is going on in the back of their minds). She finally hit bottom and started to AA. She has been sober 3 years now. I think it is O.K. to tell him you are concerned about his drinking, but don't have any expectations. The best thing to do is to take care of yourself and take your focus off of him. If you have the focus on yourself instead of the A, the A has to make some adjustments.

Mango blast

That is exactly where I am at this morning. Jenny, you were correct too that I need to stop worrying about his reactions. He's feeling better and isn't going to the doc today. I did bring up my concerns about his drinking and being concerned about his health. I don't think he's drank anything for the past couple of days (he's been on codeine for the last four, but who knows) and to bring this up before the next round might not help, but letting him know I care and I'm not ignoring it, not nagging, just getting it out in the open is a good step for me.

Going to Al-Anon soon and now I don't care whether or not I tell him first. You're right. I just need to take care of me. The rest will take care of itself one way or another.

Some things are going to change in how 'our' relationship around the booze is working. I am no longer going to dump empty bottles when I think someone else might see them. Let them stack up in the cupboard or let him dump them. He doesn't ask the kids to bring him a beer very often, but anytime is too much. I've felt this way for more than a decade and now I'm finally ready to speak out on that? Refusing to buy beer or whiskey if he asks me to still seems strange. I need to get over that. So much to explore with Al-Anon.

A has always had is a very high tolerance for alcohol - which of course has increased over the years. He had one DUI before we were married and another not long after. With the second one the cop at the scene said later he would have sworn A wasn't drunk (accident caused by another car) but did the breathalizer out of routine and his ba was very high. He's almost always adhered to not drinking and driving since then (he simply drinks at home) but does drink while driving our boat which is not good at all. The bad solution this past summer was to not take the boat out. The more I think about past incidences the more I see how many warning signs and bad times there have been. Now I just need to learn how to deal with them for myself and our kids in the future. They aren't stupid and it really is time to bring this out in the open. Now I finally remember there has been a couple of times in the past were they've questioned how much he drinks and I shoved it aside even as I try to get them not to drink until they're of legal age and let them know it's because alcohol abuse runs in the family and you're much more likely to have problems if you start young. duh! How much can a woman in love really ignore?

Thank you all for the support and the reality checks. I had checked forums before, but read all the stories "worse than mine" and was still looking for "proof" that there was a problem. Now that I've finally come out of denial and am no longer looking for that proof, the forums are a great help!

faith

Cando

You are making good progress. I heard that a high tolerance for alcohol means you have a drinking problem. If I sniff a drink I'm under the table.

Magichappens

Hey faith,
I can't add a whole lot to what's been said, except encouragement to go to a meeting. Making those contacts can be a big help. Get phone numbers. Phone meetings are the next best thing to meetings in person.

And just to echo others, get the books. They are a great source of strength, understanding, and learning. Glad you are here. Hugs, Magic