Letting it out
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Letting it out
So I haven’t sent any message to him, but it bothers me so much not to say anything about everything I found out. The message wasn’t angry though, but my psychologist also advised not to do it.
I also read his diaries and some writings from the rehab and so many things hurt. For example he cheated on me several times and never confessed... beside that he came out with some silly story that he told me while already being in rehab, he said “They asked me if I ever cheated on you and I said no, they didn’t believe me, but it’s true. So they said to thank God for it, because it’s rare.” Why the heck would you tell me smth like this when in reality you cheated and lied... I know there is no answer to this, but it hurts.
He also writes there that he idealized love and idealized me. In what exactly? I have been always there, loyal and supportive. The idealization was that he thought I would not tell his parents about his consume and he could keep doing whatevwr he wants?! Or that’s the psychologist’s manipulation so he can stay with her?! He writes that it hurt him to see movie about Bill’s wife and realize that she has become the best version of herself for him and his recovery and that he expected the same from me and it didn’t happened, and that it hurts him, cuz it was his dream.
His freaking dream, never saying anything to me, what he needs from me, what he needs from me in his recovery. I was just left behind in the whole thing. Yes, I didn’t know anything about al-anon, this forums, books and other things because I think I was still living in denial after 6 months of his recovery, I’d appreciate if he’d tell me about the things I could do. I found it out by myself and started working on understanding his deseas and the process, but that was not enough. He just assumed that our relationship won’t work in his recovery cuz he ****** up too much and I’d ask him for it. So he decided just leave it behind. He wanted me to be perfect for his recovery, without ever being honest himself and not being the best version of himself in recovery. He was thinking about “closing the cycle” with me since April, and at the same time was calling me and saying how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me and that we can make it work. If you want it to finish why would you keep saying all those stuff? I was living in such a confusion and he just told me everything was in my head, when in reality it wasn’t...
So now I understand why he started behaving like he did when I came back. He said he thought it was already over and I came and he didn’t know what to do. Over?! Never saying a ******* word about wanting to finish it, just treating me bad, but at the same time telling me he loves me and then come, say all the bull **** he said. And now being with his ******* psychologist. At the same time he write in his writings that he is grateful to God. That he is changing, that he is an honest person, that he is growing up as a man. Whaat? Is he really that deep in his own reality that he cant see that he is far from being honest and grown up.
Sorry, just needed to vent!
I also read his diaries and some writings from the rehab and so many things hurt. For example he cheated on me several times and never confessed... beside that he came out with some silly story that he told me while already being in rehab, he said “They asked me if I ever cheated on you and I said no, they didn’t believe me, but it’s true. So they said to thank God for it, because it’s rare.” Why the heck would you tell me smth like this when in reality you cheated and lied... I know there is no answer to this, but it hurts.
He also writes there that he idealized love and idealized me. In what exactly? I have been always there, loyal and supportive. The idealization was that he thought I would not tell his parents about his consume and he could keep doing whatevwr he wants?! Or that’s the psychologist’s manipulation so he can stay with her?! He writes that it hurt him to see movie about Bill’s wife and realize that she has become the best version of herself for him and his recovery and that he expected the same from me and it didn’t happened, and that it hurts him, cuz it was his dream.
His freaking dream, never saying anything to me, what he needs from me, what he needs from me in his recovery. I was just left behind in the whole thing. Yes, I didn’t know anything about al-anon, this forums, books and other things because I think I was still living in denial after 6 months of his recovery, I’d appreciate if he’d tell me about the things I could do. I found it out by myself and started working on understanding his deseas and the process, but that was not enough. He just assumed that our relationship won’t work in his recovery cuz he ****** up too much and I’d ask him for it. So he decided just leave it behind. He wanted me to be perfect for his recovery, without ever being honest himself and not being the best version of himself in recovery. He was thinking about “closing the cycle” with me since April, and at the same time was calling me and saying how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me and that we can make it work. If you want it to finish why would you keep saying all those stuff? I was living in such a confusion and he just told me everything was in my head, when in reality it wasn’t...
So now I understand why he started behaving like he did when I came back. He said he thought it was already over and I came and he didn’t know what to do. Over?! Never saying a ******* word about wanting to finish it, just treating me bad, but at the same time telling me he loves me and then come, say all the bull **** he said. And now being with his ******* psychologist. At the same time he write in his writings that he is grateful to God. That he is changing, that he is an honest person, that he is growing up as a man. Whaat? Is he really that deep in his own reality that he cant see that he is far from being honest and grown up.
Sorry, just needed to vent!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Mashabo,
This is the place to vent. Their are many friendly ears to listen. I know it hurt to read those things and know the real truth inside. I know it's hard to believe that someone could confess their love for you and not really mean it. It does hurt when you learn about everything, know that this is how the disease of alcoholism works. It changes the reality of that person. Their is nothing you can do to change them. It's their journey. They have to want to come back from it. The best you can do is look after your own well being. Stay strong in knowing that you did nothing wrong or could have done anything to prevent it. Keep being strong and vent here anytime you need to.
This is the place to vent. Their are many friendly ears to listen. I know it hurt to read those things and know the real truth inside. I know it's hard to believe that someone could confess their love for you and not really mean it. It does hurt when you learn about everything, know that this is how the disease of alcoholism works. It changes the reality of that person. Their is nothing you can do to change them. It's their journey. They have to want to come back from it. The best you can do is look after your own well being. Stay strong in knowing that you did nothing wrong or could have done anything to prevent it. Keep being strong and vent here anytime you need to.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Wow. I know this has to hurt like anything, but to quote another post, you dodged a poisoned bullet here. This guy is frankly just full of it...and whether he started out that way or his addiction contributed to it, he’s a full-on narcissist and fabulist now. He tells himself what he wants to hear at that moment. He lies to you. He lies to his rehab group (that’s a sure sign of recovery progress, eh?) I’m sure he’s lying to this silly little supposed “psychologist.”
Try to remember he isn’t like you. He doesn’t experience emotions or responsibility the way you do. He goes through the motions when they get him what he needs at the moment. I know it’s hard to process that, because you would never do what he’s done or lie the way he does, so you assume he wouldn’t either unless something external “happened” to him. This is what he is. At his core.
By all means, vent! Please try to understand that this isn’t about you, at all. You’re an innocent bystander to a car wreck in progress. But he’s just going to keep backing that car up and smashing it again. You need to just get out of the way of the damage.
I’m sorry for your hurt.
Try to remember he isn’t like you. He doesn’t experience emotions or responsibility the way you do. He goes through the motions when they get him what he needs at the moment. I know it’s hard to process that, because you would never do what he’s done or lie the way he does, so you assume he wouldn’t either unless something external “happened” to him. This is what he is. At his core.
By all means, vent! Please try to understand that this isn’t about you, at all. You’re an innocent bystander to a car wreck in progress. But he’s just going to keep backing that car up and smashing it again. You need to just get out of the way of the damage.
I’m sorry for your hurt.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Mashabo 
Whaat? Is he really that deep in his own reality that he cant see that he is far from being honest and grown up.
I know it's hard to believe, but as you read around this forum you will find many stories just like this, where the person says one thing (and appears to believe it) but in reality they are doing something else. Whether it is as messed up as his reality or whether it's saying they quit drinking but drink in the car and stuff the bottles under the seat.
Whether he believes all this stuff way down in his soul, hard to say, but defense of the addiction runs really deep, and who is to say that's his only problem anyway.
As for you not "acting correctly" in his recovery. What a bunch of bs. He's just justifying his actions (more). You are not his therapist, his counsellor, you are not trained in addiction, what did he expect? If he was really enlightened he would know you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. But he's not, far easier to make you the bad guy.
I'm glad you vented here. I think the recommendation not to write to him is a good one. Remember you would be writing to the person that believes all this drivel, not a person that has their wits about them. It would be a waste of your time really, he probably wouldn't reply and he certainly won't take it to heart if he is still in that headspace.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Mashabo,
This is the place to vent. Their are many friendly ears to listen. I know it hurt to read those things and know the real truth inside. I know it's hard to believe that someone could confess their love for you and not really mean it. It does hurt when you learn about everything, know that this is how the disease of alcoholism works. It changes the reality of that person. Their is nothing you can do to change them. It's their journey. They have to want to come back from it. The best you can do is look after your own well being. Stay strong in knowing that you did nothing wrong or could have done anything to prevent it. Keep being strong and vent here anytime you need to.
This is the place to vent. Their are many friendly ears to listen. I know it hurt to read those things and know the real truth inside. I know it's hard to believe that someone could confess their love for you and not really mean it. It does hurt when you learn about everything, know that this is how the disease of alcoholism works. It changes the reality of that person. Their is nothing you can do to change them. It's their journey. They have to want to come back from it. The best you can do is look after your own well being. Stay strong in knowing that you did nothing wrong or could have done anything to prevent it. Keep being strong and vent here anytime you need to.
Thank you, ironwill. I like your nickname!
yes, it’s definitely hard to read. Especially how it all changed through the course. How he goes from writing that no one makes him feel the way I do, and that from the love perspective our relationship is perfect, to our relationship won’t work in his recovery and that he idealized me. Like 2 different people. I wouldn’t be surprised if this psychologist had her job done there.
It hurts especially bad knowing now he cheated and did all this he did that I now know. I know I can’t do anything... I only can take care of myself.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Wow. I know this has to hurt like anything, but to quote another post, you dodged a poisoned bullet here. This guy is frankly just full of it...and whether he started out that way or his addiction contributed to it, he’s a full-on narcissist and fabulist now. He tells himself what he wants to hear at that moment. He lies to you. He lies to his rehab group (that’s a sure sign of recovery progress, eh?) I’m sure he’s lying to this silly little supposed “psychologist.”
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Try to remember he isn’t like you. He doesn’t experience emotions or responsibility the way you do. He goes through the motions when they get him what he needs at the moment. I know it’s hard to process that, because you would never do what he’s done or lie the way he does, so you assume he wouldn’t either unless something external “happened” to him. This is what he is. At his core.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
By all means, vent! Please try to understand that this isn’t about you, at all. You’re an innocent bystander to a car wreck in progress. But he’s just going to keep backing that car up and smashing it again. You need to just get out of the way of the damage.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by trailmix
As for you not "acting correctly" in his recovery. What a bunch of bs. He's just justifying his actions (more). You are not his therapist, his counsellor, you are not trained in addiction, what did he expect? If he was really enlightened he would know you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. But he's not, far easier to make you the bad guy.
Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm glad you vented here. I think the recommendation not to write to him is a good one. Remember you would be writing to the person that believes all this drivel, not a person that has their wits about them. It would be a waste of your time really, he probably wouldn't reply and he certainly won't take it to heart if he is still in that headspace.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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What if he loves her? What if he will change for her? What if ...” and I know those are selfish and stupid thoughts and fears, but they are present at this moment
You aren't selfish or stupid, these thoughts are really common and normal I think. Him changing for her? I can't imagine that. If you really look at what he says, he thinks he's great! Doing the best he can, working hard quack quack quack, it's everyone else who isn't doing what they should!
Be my support, be my magical rock that you will somehow magically figure out how to be. I'm sure this is very frustrating to have read.
This is just my opinion but from what you have said and what he wrote, he wasn't trying to convince you, he was trying to convince himself. That's why it makes no sense to you.
Honestly, people recovering from addiction, that's their thing, not something for the people around them. They need to forge their own way, figure out what works best for them, but that is entirely up to them. That's not what he's talking about, I don't know what he's talking about - again, just sounds like something he made up in his own head.
Definitely! Now with time I do realize that it was better I haven’t sent anything, but sometimes I want to badly.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I don't know him, but if he can actually love anyone, I would be incredibly surprised. He is very messed up in his thinking.
You aren't selfish or stupid, these thoughts are really common and normal I think. Him changing for her? I can't imagine that. If you really look at what he says, he thinks he's great! Doing the best he can, working hard quack quack quack, it's everyone else who isn't doing what they should!
Be my support, be my magical rock that you will somehow magically figure out how to be. I'm sure this is very frustrating to have read.
This is just my opinion but from what you have said and what he wrote, he wasn't trying to convince you, he was trying to convince himself. That's why it makes no sense to you.
Honestly, people recovering from addiction, that's their thing, not something for the people around them. They need to forge their own way, figure out what works best for them, but that is entirely up to them. That's not what he's talking about, I don't know what he's talking about - again, just sounds like something he made up in his own head.
You aren't selfish or stupid, these thoughts are really common and normal I think. Him changing for her? I can't imagine that. If you really look at what he says, he thinks he's great! Doing the best he can, working hard quack quack quack, it's everyone else who isn't doing what they should!
Be my support, be my magical rock that you will somehow magically figure out how to be. I'm sure this is very frustrating to have read.
This is just my opinion but from what you have said and what he wrote, he wasn't trying to convince you, he was trying to convince himself. That's why it makes no sense to you.
Honestly, people recovering from addiction, that's their thing, not something for the people around them. They need to forge their own way, figure out what works best for them, but that is entirely up to them. That's not what he's talking about, I don't know what he's talking about - again, just sounds like something he made up in his own head.
Originally Posted by trailmix
I completely understand, this is always tempting. This person I was in a relationship once was - well he was a lot of things and not good. After we broke up and I had thought about it for a bit, I really wanted to send him some info on what I had identified was his personality glitch. But I didn't. I didn't because, well, I knew that overall it was a bad idea (he wasn't my problem anymore) and because I realized that because of the person he is he would never understand that the information was describing him.
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And thank you guys for every comment here. You are an enormous help for me. When I feel bad I just go to reread some of your comments to get that relief feeling. Because I often get to some point where I forget all the **** he did and start thinking I will never find someone I would love as much, but that’s nonsense...
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Merry Christmas Mashabo,
I glad you can get relief from post that you read here. That will help relieve the pain and explain so much about Alcohol that you might not know.
It's hard for you right now to think will I find someone I loved as much as him. The answer is yes. Grant it right now your heart is going one way and your mind is going another way. And all you want is for them to meet and give you the love and peace that you soul desire. You will find another True Love. It will happen. Don't give up on yourself and let your heart be open to new people. It might not happen right away, but it will happen and usually does without you even knowing it. Keep reading and learning. Most of all keep being strong.
I glad you can get relief from post that you read here. That will help relieve the pain and explain so much about Alcohol that you might not know.
It's hard for you right now to think will I find someone I loved as much as him. The answer is yes. Grant it right now your heart is going one way and your mind is going another way. And all you want is for them to meet and give you the love and peace that you soul desire. You will find another True Love. It will happen. Don't give up on yourself and let your heart be open to new people. It might not happen right away, but it will happen and usually does without you even knowing it. Keep reading and learning. Most of all keep being strong.
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