Do alcoholics know that they are alcoholics?
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Do alcoholics know that they are alcoholics?
Just that really, I know so many people that suffer from alcoholism and also some that are in total denial. One person said they can't be an alcoholic as they 'don't drink vodka'.... (after a lifetime of alcohol abuse and subsequent alcoholism over 30+ years), But when they wake up with withdrawls etc. Is there a point that they realise? And then what 🤔
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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I didn't get it. I thought either you were or weren't right from the start. I didn't know heavy drinking could escalate and make someone become one. I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy but...an alcoholic...not me. There was some just straight out denial going on because I would try really hard to make it look like I wasn't drinking as much as I was. I would also like to point out it damaged my brain and made me mentally ill. The part of my mind that would have stopped me was shut down.
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I know you tried hard to make it look like you weren't drinking as much, but you knew how much you were drinking, and knew that you were hiding it.. so did the thought pass your mind at all? I'm totally NOT being goady or anything, I'm trying really hard to understand the actual person on their 'journey' through alcoholism
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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I didn't recognize them as withdrawal. I would get a little shakey some mornings. It was a compulsion for me. I felt like I had to do it. The day I quit my mind flipped from "this isn't a big deal but I have to do it" to "this is a big deal and I don't have to do it". Like I said my mind was damaged and it was like I was on autopilot.
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Hi friend. So there isn't a set path. Everyone is different. Even when they look the same or seem the same. Spending a lot of time and energy trying to understand the alcoholic didn't serve me as well as accepting that they were the way they were regardless of whether I ever understood it or not.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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My very first inkling something was wrong was ten years before I quit. I was 33 and I had a blackout. I sensed something had changed. I stopped for maybe a month and then continued on.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Hi friend. So there isn't a set path. Everyone is different. Even when they look the same or seem the same. Spending a lot of time and energy trying to understand the alcoholic didn't serve me as well as accepting that they were the way they were regardless of whether I ever understood it or not.
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Originally Posted by silentrun
I didn't recognize them as withdrawal. I would get a little shakey some mornings. It was a compulsion for me. I felt like I had to do it. The day I quit my mind flipped from "this isn't a big deal but I have to do it" to "this is a big deal and I don't have to do it". Like I said my mind was damaged and it was like I was on autopilot.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Angelicinquest
Hi, I know what you mean. I've cut all of the alcoholics out of my life and am in no way trying to understand them to allow them back in but my mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and she was an alcoholic my whole life. She ruined my childhood and has given me so many issues, my dad and my brother and my aunt and my sons father.. ALL ALCOHOLICS!! and now I have no one because I refused to be treated like that by them. I kind of wanted to know if she knew what she was doing was wrong, and continued anyways as this will decided whether I (as disgusting and awful as it sounds) make contact for her last years. Bearing in mind this woman beat me, called me worse than you could imagine, was a prostitute, left her children for numerous men, embarrassed and humiliated us in public etc..but sometimes she was normal and that was short lived. When I had my son she was a model grand parent. I didn't even know she started drinking again until we went on holiday together (said she'd stopped) and out came the wine and it was like a vortex of memories sucking me back in to that horrible place as a defenceless child. I truly tried so hard to love her, but I felt like the parent. Damn, ive never had a mother and now she wants me to be hers? I paid her bills, cleaned her up, allowed her to stay at my house, looked after her and all the while hated her but loved her and now I'm in this situation. Do I continue to play a lie and be a good daughter because she will actually die soon even though since no contact my life has been so so peaceful. Idk.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by Angelicinquest
Do you think there's a lack of knowledge and understanding of alcoholism that made you in denail? Did you see 'those alcoholics' as homeless people drinking vodka out of a bottle and refused to belive that was you? And therefore carried on as you thought you didn't have that big a problem? Please correct me if I'm wrong. As a witness to alcoholism, and after having my entire life destroyed by it, I really want to truly understand. Also do you think that alcohol is too easy to obtain, and more socially acceptable than other drugs? Therefore easier to cause addiction. Also, by the time it had damaged your brain and caused mental health problems, therefore fed into that denial etc. Surely that took a long time to occur?
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I think my husband knew. Knowing isn't the same thing as being able to quit the booze.
Your journey is yours to walk.
For years I resented my husband's drinking and the problems it caused. That's very different from your situation - you were a kid at your mother's mercy - but you're not any more.
I think the change came when I posted here about my resentment that he never even tried to quit, and another poster wrote, "He couldn't."
That's probably true. In addition to drinking too much for too long, he also got a used engagement ring from a buddy whose engagement ended. Buddy handed it over to broke AH and told AH to pay him when he could. He did this because he couldn't wait to propose. He cried when we had to bury my first cat, (and over the 25 years we were married, dutifully buried the others so I wouldn't have to). He remodeled the first house we lived in, moved when he didn't really want to, and called a friend and asked him to look out for me when he found out he was terminally ill.
He did the best he could. It certainly wasn't great, but it was the best he could do at that point in time.
You don't have to do anything at all. You could move her into your home and devote your life to her for the time she has left.
There's an awful lot of real estate between those two extremes.
Your journey is yours to walk.
For years I resented my husband's drinking and the problems it caused. That's very different from your situation - you were a kid at your mother's mercy - but you're not any more.
I think the change came when I posted here about my resentment that he never even tried to quit, and another poster wrote, "He couldn't."
That's probably true. In addition to drinking too much for too long, he also got a used engagement ring from a buddy whose engagement ended. Buddy handed it over to broke AH and told AH to pay him when he could. He did this because he couldn't wait to propose. He cried when we had to bury my first cat, (and over the 25 years we were married, dutifully buried the others so I wouldn't have to). He remodeled the first house we lived in, moved when he didn't really want to, and called a friend and asked him to look out for me when he found out he was terminally ill.
He did the best he could. It certainly wasn't great, but it was the best he could do at that point in time.
You don't have to do anything at all. You could move her into your home and devote your life to her for the time she has left.
There's an awful lot of real estate between those two extremes.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Originally Posted by velma929
I think my husband knew. Knowing isn't the same thing as being able to quit the booze.
Your journey is yours to walk.
For years I resented my husband's drinking and the problems it caused. That's very different from your situation - you were a kid at your mother's mercy - but you're not any more.
I think the change came when I posted here about my resentment that he never even tried to quit, and another poster wrote, "He couldn't."
That's probably true. In addition to drinking too much for too long, he also bought a used engagement ring from a buddy whose engagement ended because AH couldn't wait to propose to me, cried when we had to bury my first cat, (and over the 25 years we were married, dutifully buried the others so I wouldn't have to). He remodeled the first house we lived in, moved when he didn't really want to, and called a friend and asked him to look out for me when he found out he was terminally ill.
He did the best he could. It certainly wasn't great, but it was the best he could do at that point in time.
You don't have to do anything at all. You could move her into your home and devote your life to her for the time she has left.
There's an awful lot of real estate between those two extremes.
Your journey is yours to walk.
For years I resented my husband's drinking and the problems it caused. That's very different from your situation - you were a kid at your mother's mercy - but you're not any more.
I think the change came when I posted here about my resentment that he never even tried to quit, and another poster wrote, "He couldn't."
That's probably true. In addition to drinking too much for too long, he also bought a used engagement ring from a buddy whose engagement ended because AH couldn't wait to propose to me, cried when we had to bury my first cat, (and over the 25 years we were married, dutifully buried the others so I wouldn't have to). He remodeled the first house we lived in, moved when he didn't really want to, and called a friend and asked him to look out for me when he found out he was terminally ill.
He did the best he could. It certainly wasn't great, but it was the best he could do at that point in time.
You don't have to do anything at all. You could move her into your home and devote your life to her for the time she has left.
There's an awful lot of real estate between those two extremes.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by silentrun
It sounds like your mom wasn't able to free herself. My mom is mentally ill as well. She used religion compulsively. It's not drugs but I think of it that way and it helps me cope. I was the parent. It's the best they could do. What saved me was becoming a mom myself. I didn't understand unconditional love and my daughter taught me that. At 16 it looked like she was going to get herself into trouble and I was prepared to stand by and let that happen. That made me aware of what I was doing. I was also 33 when this all started so I had advantages people who start younger don't have.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think I would question whether getting back in to contact with her would be good for anyone (you or her), or because of some misplaced obligation or guilt.
You haven't done anything wrong, so if you are feeling guilt, well it's just a false guilt really. Do you feel obligated because she is your Mother? Again, not all Moms are the same, yours was obviously very abusive and won't being caught up in her life again just make you miserable?
Above all, you need to look out for yourself and your child, that's really the bottom line. If that means not getting back in contact with her, that is what that means.
As for whether she knew/knows she is an alcoholic, only she can answer that really but I don't think it's overly relevant. I consider it to be a mental as well as a physical condition, addiction, but regardless, that doesn't mean you should ever put up with abuse from anyone, true?
You haven't done anything wrong, so if you are feeling guilt, well it's just a false guilt really. Do you feel obligated because she is your Mother? Again, not all Moms are the same, yours was obviously very abusive and won't being caught up in her life again just make you miserable?
Above all, you need to look out for yourself and your child, that's really the bottom line. If that means not getting back in contact with her, that is what that means.
As for whether she knew/knows she is an alcoholic, only she can answer that really but I don't think it's overly relevant. I consider it to be a mental as well as a physical condition, addiction, but regardless, that doesn't mean you should ever put up with abuse from anyone, true?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Originally Posted by Angelicinquest
My son is 6 years old, he's lost his uncle, grandpa, his 'step grandpa' and is soon to lose his nanna (who I was talking about in the post.. My mom) and his dad, as he is an alcoholic too and has tortured us with his alcoholism (has possible mouth cancer, dunno if its true or is saying that to manipulate me, but I saw the white lump on his tongue) .........WTF do I do not to raise a messed up kid because of everyone else problems?! My brother was found dead in the sea, tragically and suddenly and his Grandpa unexpected heart attack here one day gone the next. I'm struggling to cope with being a good mom, grieving my family and helping my son through the grief. I ******* HATE alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Angel.....I don't know if you know of the organization called "Adult Children of Alcoholcs" ? You certainly qualify to become a member. It is a support group for those who have grown up with an alcoholic caretaker. I sure do think y you could use the support of those who were raised in your same kind of shoes.
At least you could get and read their books and literature---and, possibly jpin an online group. It will help you with knowing how to raise and pr otect your son.
You can get their basic book and literature on amazon.com...in the book section. If you can't get stuff from amazon, in your country---you can order it through the library in your country.
I highly recommend it.
At least you could get and read their books and literature---and, possibly jpin an online group. It will help you with knowing how to raise and pr otect your son.
You can get their basic book and literature on amazon.com...in the book section. If you can't get stuff from amazon, in your country---you can order it through the library in your country.
I highly recommend it.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by silentrun
You don't have to do anything at all was such a hard concept for me to get. My mom shunned me and I'm the only responsible child she has seeing how I was the caretaker. I finally decided if I was doing to my daughter what she was doing to me I'd want my daughter to run. My 78-year-old dad fell down the steps and cracked his head open a few months ago. He survived but he was ordered not to drink so my mom didn't want to fight with him. She decided all on her own was going to come live at my house which is full and no one is here to take care of him. After 6 years she reaches out to me and tells me her plan. I simply said no.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I think I would question whether getting back in to contact with her would be good for anyone (you or her), or because of some misplaced obligation or guilt.
You haven't done anything wrong, so if you are feeling guilt, well it's just a false guilt really. Do you feel obligated because she is your Mother? Again, not all Moms are the same, yours was obviously very abusive and won't being caught up in her life again just make you miserable?
Above all, you need to look out for yourself and your child, that's really the bottom line. If that means not getting back in contact with her, that is what that means.
As for whether she knew/knows she is an alcoholic, only she can answer that really but I don't think it's overly relevant. I consider it to be a mental as well as a physical condition, addiction, but regardless, that doesn't mean you should ever put up with abuse from anyone, true?
You haven't done anything wrong, so if you are feeling guilt, well it's just a false guilt really. Do you feel obligated because she is your Mother? Again, not all Moms are the same, yours was obviously very abusive and won't being caught up in her life again just make you miserable?
Above all, you need to look out for yourself and your child, that's really the bottom line. If that means not getting back in contact with her, that is what that means.
As for whether she knew/knows she is an alcoholic, only she can answer that really but I don't think it's overly relevant. I consider it to be a mental as well as a physical condition, addiction, but regardless, that doesn't mean you should ever put up with abuse from anyone, true?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Originally Posted by Angelicinquest
So you were an alcoholic and so was your mum? And you recovered?
Edit: I tried to get myself involved in an abusive relationship but one day I just snapped and realized he was playing a role and I was playing a role. I didn't want to be that girl anymore so I turned, mid-argument, and walked out the door. We didn't have kids so I had nothing holding me back. I changed the direction of my life that day. I was 22 then, didn't marry an abuser or a drinker, but ended up developing a problem of my own at 33. I should have gotten therapy then but I didn't understand how it all effected me. I thought I was fine.
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