Cheating and Alcoholism
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Cheating and Alcoholism
I’ll try not to make this two long. Wife (36f) Myself (40m). Married 14 years, together 16 years. We have 2 children. The passed 5 years have been hard. She lost her cousin and father during this time and started drinking heavily. Wife is an alcoholic. Over the past five years she has constantly left the home gone out with friends and refused to stop drinking. Two years ago she agreed to go to rehab and hopes to saving our marriage. After a 30 day program, She stated she needed to do an additional time at another facility. After intercepting text messages between her and another man about meeting for sexual activity. I asked her to come home. Since then she has not stopped drinking and I filed for divorce. She stayed in the house for around three weeks until one night she left to be with another man. The outside security cameras caught her doing sexual things on the phone with the man she left to see and also a conversation with a man she was in rehab with. After asking her multiple times about her relationship with the man in rehab she denied anything ever happens. She is now back in rehab asking to fix things between us and getting our family back together. Before going back to rehab she was drinking and hanging out in bars with multiple men. After being in rehab about 2 weeks this time, I found out she had an affair 2 years ago with the man she was in the first rehab with. This was an inpatient rehab and they snuck off to have sex. She has stated she’s working on herself and she has to deal with her addiction and cannot talk to me about the affair. There are many other occasions she has left the house at night and came home late at night drunk. Said she was with friends and nothing more. There is also a few times she left town for a weekend and went to visit “family”. After one of her trips, I caught her FaceTiming another man with her shirt off. She swears the 2 affairs I know about are all that has happened. But I had to get hard evidence to even get her to admit to those. She swears there was no one else. I am very much in love with her but I can’t trust her at all. Any advice will help.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi JW. how long ago did she move out?
Regardless, getting back in to this now would probably be a mistake. She is not in recovery yet, she has barely scratched the surface, if at all. Being "sober" and being in recovery are two different things, she has a lot to work on and by returning to the marriage/home it will hurt not only you, but perhaps her progress and any relationship you might hope to have in the future. It's nice to have a comfortable place to "land" but should that be at your expense (emotionally).
It is generally said around here that one year of complete sobriety is kind of a good measure before entering in to any kind of relationship (or back in to one). This is because of the work she needs to do. There is obviously a reason why she spun out when she did and that all needs to be addressed.
Also, you don't trust her anymore (with good reason).
You mention you are still in love with her, what is it about her that you love? As she is now, not as she may have been before. Even if she does manage to stay sober, there is no guarantee that she will ever be the way you remember her to be. Over these years she has been living a completely different life/lifestyle, that has an impact.
Regardless, getting back in to this now would probably be a mistake. She is not in recovery yet, she has barely scratched the surface, if at all. Being "sober" and being in recovery are two different things, she has a lot to work on and by returning to the marriage/home it will hurt not only you, but perhaps her progress and any relationship you might hope to have in the future. It's nice to have a comfortable place to "land" but should that be at your expense (emotionally).
It is generally said around here that one year of complete sobriety is kind of a good measure before entering in to any kind of relationship (or back in to one). This is because of the work she needs to do. There is obviously a reason why she spun out when she did and that all needs to be addressed.
Also, you don't trust her anymore (with good reason).
You mention you are still in love with her, what is it about her that you love? As she is now, not as she may have been before. Even if she does manage to stay sober, there is no guarantee that she will ever be the way you remember her to be. Over these years she has been living a completely different life/lifestyle, that has an impact.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
JW,
If I could have a do-over, I would have left 5 years ago, after her first long term affair. She wanted to make it work, but the affair kept going too.
I have learned a lot about infidelity and in particular about setial infidelity (repetitive). Had I had the forsight I would have bailed out, and would have let the test of time detrmine whether or not the relatioship was meant to be. Few cheaters are capable of outright honesty and coupled with the fact that trust is destroyed, the chances to save the relationship are incredibly diminished. Your wife sounds like a serial cheater, and is not in recovery....based on my experience that is a dead-end. I had a very similar experience; but I hung in there thinking I could save it. Let me say this, you can't save it....only two people fighting for it can save it and without that you are better off saving yourself. Sure, it hurts like nothing else, it is brutal...but let me say this, fighting for her and will only amplify the hurts. More to surely come my friend. The cheating just kept coming...don't be a doormat like I was.
If I could have a do-over, I would have left 5 years ago, after her first long term affair. She wanted to make it work, but the affair kept going too.
I have learned a lot about infidelity and in particular about setial infidelity (repetitive). Had I had the forsight I would have bailed out, and would have let the test of time detrmine whether or not the relatioship was meant to be. Few cheaters are capable of outright honesty and coupled with the fact that trust is destroyed, the chances to save the relationship are incredibly diminished. Your wife sounds like a serial cheater, and is not in recovery....based on my experience that is a dead-end. I had a very similar experience; but I hung in there thinking I could save it. Let me say this, you can't save it....only two people fighting for it can save it and without that you are better off saving yourself. Sure, it hurts like nothing else, it is brutal...but let me say this, fighting for her and will only amplify the hurts. More to surely come my friend. The cheating just kept coming...don't be a doormat like I was.
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Also, since you are new you may not know how to access the threads that other people have posted before (like woodandlost) but they may be helpful to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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JW,
You say you are "very much in love with her but can't trust her at all".
The foundation of a healthy relationship is mutual trust, respect, love and admiration.
Although drunkiness leads to impaired decision making and poor choices, your wife
is showing through her actions she has no respect for you or the vows she took.
I would call a lawyer & get out. If she decides to become sober and work a program
and behave like someone who is deserving of your loyalty, you can always get
back together, but that seems unlikely. Sorry you are going through this.
You say you are "very much in love with her but can't trust her at all".
The foundation of a healthy relationship is mutual trust, respect, love and admiration.
Although drunkiness leads to impaired decision making and poor choices, your wife
is showing through her actions she has no respect for you or the vows she took.
I would call a lawyer & get out. If she decides to become sober and work a program
and behave like someone who is deserving of your loyalty, you can always get
back together, but that seems unlikely. Sorry you are going through this.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
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Update
So, I need to add. Before she left the last time to meet this other man. I had already asked for a divorce due to the drinking. She said she did this because me leaving hurt. Also, after I had evidence of this affair she didn’t fight me and signed the papers. We are already divorced. She says she wants to get help and fix things between us. Like a stated before, I just don’t know if I can trust she will do what is needed to move past all of this.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Oh wow, bold move JW. Let her SHOW you, believe nothing she says, it's all BS. Let her actions over a long time. How crazy is that comment she made....you divorcing her for crazy stuff is why she had an affair. She is basically saying, it is your fault I slept with other people. That is insane, but it is what cheaters do...blameshifting. Hang in there JW, you are showing some real strength.
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Originally Posted by JW1219 
I just don’t know if I can trust she will do what is needed to move past all of this.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
JW-
A brief backstory, I'm the wife of an AH who had an affair just 2 months after marrying, we've been together 9 years married 4 years. I stayed and forgave based on promises of staying sober. He didn't stay sober. I regret staying with him. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. He still drinks and can be horrible to me when drunk.
As others have said let her show you she's really committed and give her time/space to work on recovery. If later down the road you can unite again, great! But none of us deserve that type of "love". Take care of you, love her from afar if you need to, and let her take care of herself....she has a long road ahead if she stays focused. You can move past hurt by working on you, give yourself permission to focus on you.
A brief backstory, I'm the wife of an AH who had an affair just 2 months after marrying, we've been together 9 years married 4 years. I stayed and forgave based on promises of staying sober. He didn't stay sober. I regret staying with him. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. He still drinks and can be horrible to me when drunk.
As others have said let her show you she's really committed and give her time/space to work on recovery. If later down the road you can unite again, great! But none of us deserve that type of "love". Take care of you, love her from afar if you need to, and let her take care of herself....she has a long road ahead if she stays focused. You can move past hurt by working on you, give yourself permission to focus on you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by JW1219
I just don’t know if I can trust she will do what is needed to move past all of this.
Logically, if someone says they want to fix things, they do. What has she shown you so far that has given you any indication she's sincere? It's so very important to look at actions not words. She may even have the best intentions right this minute, but that doesn't mean anything does it? It needs action.
You know the saying that trust is earned, well it's a saying because it is true. What has she shown you that has earned your trust? Nothing to this point, just words.
The only way you will be able to trust here is through her example of being trustworthy, there is no shortcut, no quick fix. Your boundaries have been broken and trampled on. If you go forward with this now, it's going to get messy. She's probably not relationship material right now, aside from anything else. You would be jumping in to really stormy waters trying to repair this very damaged relationship and her trying to focus on her recovery.
Aside from not trusting her, do you still resent the cheating? What support do you have? How have you dealt with that? You will need to take care of your own feelings about all of this, she can't do that for you, she can reassure you and eventually show you she is trustworthy, but you are the one that will have to move past it.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
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Getting help
Originally Posted by trailmix
There is no rush here you know. No you can't trust that she means what she says because she is not showing you that.
Logically, if someone says they want to fix things, they do. What has she shown you so far that has given you any indication she's sincere? It's so very important to look at actions not words. She may even have the best intentions right this minute, but that doesn't mean anything does it? It needs action.
You know the saying that trust is earned, well it's a saying because it is true. What has she shown you that has earned your trust? Nothing to this point, just words.
The only way you will be able to trust here is through her example of being trustworthy, there is no shortcut, no quick fix. Your boundaries have been broken and trampled on. If you go forward with this now, it's going to get messy. She's probably not relationship material right now, aside from anything else. You would be jumping in to really stormy waters trying to repair this very damaged relationship and her trying to focus on her recovery.
Aside from not trusting her, do you still resent the cheating? What support do you have? How have you dealt with that? You will need to take care of your own feelings about all of this, she can't do that for you, she can reassure you and eventually show you she is trustworthy, but you are the one that will have to move past it.
Logically, if someone says they want to fix things, they do. What has she shown you so far that has given you any indication she's sincere? It's so very important to look at actions not words. She may even have the best intentions right this minute, but that doesn't mean anything does it? It needs action.
You know the saying that trust is earned, well it's a saying because it is true. What has she shown you that has earned your trust? Nothing to this point, just words.
The only way you will be able to trust here is through her example of being trustworthy, there is no shortcut, no quick fix. Your boundaries have been broken and trampled on. If you go forward with this now, it's going to get messy. She's probably not relationship material right now, aside from anything else. You would be jumping in to really stormy waters trying to repair this very damaged relationship and her trying to focus on her recovery.
Aside from not trusting her, do you still resent the cheating? What support do you have? How have you dealt with that? You will need to take care of your own feelings about all of this, she can't do that for you, she can reassure you and eventually show you she is trustworthy, but you are the one that will have to move past it.
Yes I resent the cheating. I also feel like she is down playing the whole thing. She has stated that it’s in the past and she’s excepted
it. She can’t keep going back there. I’m like **** I just found out a few weeks ago. I still have questions and I need to deal with this.
I am working on getting someone to talk to. I had an appointment last week. Going back next Tuesday. I tried my first Al-non meeting last night. Going to keep looking at that. I also will just my first smart recovery friends and family meeting this weekend. And of
course I have sober recovery to talk and chat.
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JW, wow I’m sorry you have all this to deal with.
Trailmix said it well.
as you said, you can’t trust her. You’re right, you can’t.
To be clear, you are dealing with two separate issues regarding trust. Alcoholic lying is a hallmark of addiction. When we aren’t recovering, we’re lying. Usually about drinking, but the habit can certainly spill over to other stuff. If the issue is “simply” alcoholism, when we recover from that we stop lying. Notice I said “recover,” not “stop drinking.” Recovery as you know takes time and is more than just abstaining.
the cheating is a whole other level of dishonesty. cheating is cheating. If her alcoholism disappeared tomorrow, the cheating and dishonesty of that would remain if not also addressed.
I say this because people sometimes think that an abusive or unfaithful spouse does those bad things because of addiction. They may be made worse by addiction, but are not CAUSED by it.
good luck to you. I hope you keep building your support, there are a lot of kind people here. Take care.
Trailmix said it well.
as you said, you can’t trust her. You’re right, you can’t.
To be clear, you are dealing with two separate issues regarding trust. Alcoholic lying is a hallmark of addiction. When we aren’t recovering, we’re lying. Usually about drinking, but the habit can certainly spill over to other stuff. If the issue is “simply” alcoholism, when we recover from that we stop lying. Notice I said “recover,” not “stop drinking.” Recovery as you know takes time and is more than just abstaining.
the cheating is a whole other level of dishonesty. cheating is cheating. If her alcoholism disappeared tomorrow, the cheating and dishonesty of that would remain if not also addressed.
I say this because people sometimes think that an abusive or unfaithful spouse does those bad things because of addiction. They may be made worse by addiction, but are not CAUSED by it.
good luck to you. I hope you keep building your support, there are a lot of kind people here. Take care.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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There is a very, very important issue here that I haven’t seen mentioned...how is this affecting your children?
They’re learning that love can’t be trusted. They’re learning their mom can’t be trusted and that you can’t be trusted to protect them from her chaos. Do some research on growing up in an alcoholic home...maybe talk to them about Alateen meetings, even online. It’s a really, really big problem.
They know. And they may be pretending they’re fine, because it’s what you want to think. But they’re not. If you can’t bring yourself to extricate yourself from her chaos, please do it for them.
They’re learning that love can’t be trusted. They’re learning their mom can’t be trusted and that you can’t be trusted to protect them from her chaos. Do some research on growing up in an alcoholic home...maybe talk to them about Alateen meetings, even online. It’s a really, really big problem.
They know. And they may be pretending they’re fine, because it’s what you want to think. But they’re not. If you can’t bring yourself to extricate yourself from her chaos, please do it for them.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Yup, what the others said - two separate issues, really multiple addictions. Alcoholic and sexual promiscuity/acting out. Fixing one won't fix the other. Her sexual behavior may even get worse if she gets sober long term. I'm really sorry for your pain, I have been there myself, on both sides and it is so unfair to the other person. Please do the right thing for yourself and your kids and move on.
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JW1219-
I am so sorry for all the hurt and heartache you must be experiencing right now.
I finally started to deal with the elephant in the room of my own relationship, my ex's drinking when an affair surfaced.
I agree with everyone above that alcohol and affairs can have different challenges and healing, but I will say that I experienced one similarity with them both.
Me, myself and I; and my reaction to both. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fix myself, my relationship and everything for my loved one so they would not feel the urge to drink or engage in the affair. I spent a lot of time not expressing my own feelings because I did not want to rock the boat for my ex.
In retrospect I was doing a lot of things that were not mine to do, and if I had the distance I would have realized that my ex was not actively trying to heal or make it better.
Getting help, and support for me during the time was the best gift I could ever give myself and any future relationships I may have. Al-Anon helped. Therapy helped. Reading here and affair sites helped. The ideas of the three Cs - I did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it helped with healing from both. Any healing I did, helped with all sides of it. On an affair site it said it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair and that idea helped me to not feel crazy that it was taking so long.
This would have sounded counter-intuitive me at the time....but I had to jump in and work on my own stuff, regardless of the outcome for my ex and my marriage. I had to come to learn that I cannot put in charge the person who has hurt me, to heal me and in my case I was giving him all of my power.
What I do know is that I have healed from both experiences, and that while I hated the lessons, the learning has been powerful. I know you are capable of this also.
I am so sorry for all the hurt and heartache you must be experiencing right now.
I finally started to deal with the elephant in the room of my own relationship, my ex's drinking when an affair surfaced.
I agree with everyone above that alcohol and affairs can have different challenges and healing, but I will say that I experienced one similarity with them both.
Me, myself and I; and my reaction to both. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fix myself, my relationship and everything for my loved one so they would not feel the urge to drink or engage in the affair. I spent a lot of time not expressing my own feelings because I did not want to rock the boat for my ex.
In retrospect I was doing a lot of things that were not mine to do, and if I had the distance I would have realized that my ex was not actively trying to heal or make it better.
Getting help, and support for me during the time was the best gift I could ever give myself and any future relationships I may have. Al-Anon helped. Therapy helped. Reading here and affair sites helped. The ideas of the three Cs - I did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it helped with healing from both. Any healing I did, helped with all sides of it. On an affair site it said it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair and that idea helped me to not feel crazy that it was taking so long.
This would have sounded counter-intuitive me at the time....but I had to jump in and work on my own stuff, regardless of the outcome for my ex and my marriage. I had to come to learn that I cannot put in charge the person who has hurt me, to heal me and in my case I was giving him all of my power.
What I do know is that I have healed from both experiences, and that while I hated the lessons, the learning has been powerful. I know you are capable of this also.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
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The cheating is horrible, before my partner went into to treatment he had blown close to $9,000 on whores. He is doing 90 days in rehab because he now wants to change and get better. It is part his sexual addiction, and sadly I am happier they were whores than another woman where there would be feelings. I know he loves me and I love the man that I see beyond the addictions but it hurts.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
The cheating doesn't stop, no matter what the alcoholic tells you. Look at yourself very honestly. Your relationship doesn't really have much to do with true love, but with co-dependency and addiction. You can't save her, but you may be able to save your children ... and maybe yourself. Protect yourself, too, from the inevitable STDs.
Don't mean to be harsh, but my family has paid an extremely high price for my willingness to believe the lies. If I could spare anyone, I would.
Don't mean to be harsh, but my family has paid an extremely high price for my willingness to believe the lies. If I could spare anyone, I would.
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