Thought he was sober when we got married, 2.5 years ago. so confused
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Thought he was sober when we got married, 2.5 years ago. so confused
Long story short, my AH has had lifelong struggles, never before making more than 2 years of sobriety before a relapse. This cost him his first marriage of 16 years, which may have not been right from the get go. Regardless, his drinking cost him his family, along with some DUIs and jail time.
When we started dating, he was 6 months sober, loving life and hating alcohol.
I waited almost 4 years to marry him, feeling like he/we were on a good path for a great life. It was honestly my greatest fear that he'd drink again after we got married.
3 weeks after our wedding, I came home early to go vote and found him drunk. He had been drinking for nearly 6 months behind my back. Not that hard being an out of town bridge worker, but he still did it at home too. And yes, I thought I might have smelled beer once or twice, but I actually trusted him enough that I couldn't ask him seriously if he had been drinking, I thought there was no way.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years and he's still in relapse. In the past two years I've known about, he's been sober for two-ish months at the longest.
I have been through the wringer. He never treated me or said things like this before the drinking. I have tried every method to help him, short of becoming a licensed therapist.
I am currently on my 3rd stint of moving out and really questioning moving back in. My head and heart are at battle, esp with the holidays and family.
I have read so many stories that the roller coaster never stops and I don't want to sign my life up for that, but I also want to have hope that it can change.
He has been not drinking for 7 weeks and begs me everyday to come home. I want to. I took a few things back. But even the fear of not making it on my own, something, stops me from actually moving. It took a lot mentally and physically to move out and I'm so unsure. I feel like I really have to go off his history for answers, and that's not positive.
Just wondering things like:
Am I doing the right thing?
Can I actually pay my own bills?
I miss my cat, and my beautiful home.
Will this be the time he stays sober?
The only answer I can get from him is he wants to. He says he'll go to rehab if he drinks again but I know this to be untrue.
I can't help but feel his focus is on getting me back, and he'll be hiding the beer again.
We are close to mid-40s with teenagers of our own, but no children together.
I'm sure I'm missing stuff but we've all been down the road of mean angry drunks who apologize the next day. He blacks out a lot, even if it's not many beers, he likes the high alcohol content.
I wish I could believe him this time but man, it's been a long two years and finding out on your anniversary that he drank the night before, after thinking he had 3 weeks of sobriety, nailed the coffin almost shut.
Thanks in advance for words of wisdom, encouragement and kindness.
When we started dating, he was 6 months sober, loving life and hating alcohol.
I waited almost 4 years to marry him, feeling like he/we were on a good path for a great life. It was honestly my greatest fear that he'd drink again after we got married.
3 weeks after our wedding, I came home early to go vote and found him drunk. He had been drinking for nearly 6 months behind my back. Not that hard being an out of town bridge worker, but he still did it at home too. And yes, I thought I might have smelled beer once or twice, but I actually trusted him enough that I couldn't ask him seriously if he had been drinking, I thought there was no way.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years and he's still in relapse. In the past two years I've known about, he's been sober for two-ish months at the longest.
I have been through the wringer. He never treated me or said things like this before the drinking. I have tried every method to help him, short of becoming a licensed therapist.
I am currently on my 3rd stint of moving out and really questioning moving back in. My head and heart are at battle, esp with the holidays and family.
I have read so many stories that the roller coaster never stops and I don't want to sign my life up for that, but I also want to have hope that it can change.
He has been not drinking for 7 weeks and begs me everyday to come home. I want to. I took a few things back. But even the fear of not making it on my own, something, stops me from actually moving. It took a lot mentally and physically to move out and I'm so unsure. I feel like I really have to go off his history for answers, and that's not positive.
Just wondering things like:
Am I doing the right thing?
Can I actually pay my own bills?
I miss my cat, and my beautiful home.
Will this be the time he stays sober?
The only answer I can get from him is he wants to. He says he'll go to rehab if he drinks again but I know this to be untrue.
I can't help but feel his focus is on getting me back, and he'll be hiding the beer again.
We are close to mid-40s with teenagers of our own, but no children together.
I'm sure I'm missing stuff but we've all been down the road of mean angry drunks who apologize the next day. He blacks out a lot, even if it's not many beers, he likes the high alcohol content.
I wish I could believe him this time but man, it's been a long two years and finding out on your anniversary that he drank the night before, after thinking he had 3 weeks of sobriety, nailed the coffin almost shut.
Thanks in advance for words of wisdom, encouragement and kindness.
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think that "having hope that he can change" does not necessarily have to express itself in you returning home.
If it were me, I would probably not even consider it until he had been sober at least a year, and even then, I would have to see how I felt at the time. Recovery looks like recovery. I have to say, his intense focus on getting you to come back tells me he is not 100% engaged in the recovery process, but rather with returning things to status quo. Which is when he drank.
The year would not be a punishment for him. It would be a gift to myself to discover what I want from a relationship, and to gain the perspective to be able to gauge whether or not I felt my partner could give it to me. If at the end of that year, he had moved on to something else, well. That would be a pretty big sign that it wasn't me he wanted, just "the relationship."
I think the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Your instincts seem to be telling you the right thing to do here. Missing your home and your cat are not insignificant, but returning to them could come at a price your future self might not be willing to pay. You deserve the time and space to make the right decision for yourself.
If it were me, I would probably not even consider it until he had been sober at least a year, and even then, I would have to see how I felt at the time. Recovery looks like recovery. I have to say, his intense focus on getting you to come back tells me he is not 100% engaged in the recovery process, but rather with returning things to status quo. Which is when he drank.
The year would not be a punishment for him. It would be a gift to myself to discover what I want from a relationship, and to gain the perspective to be able to gauge whether or not I felt my partner could give it to me. If at the end of that year, he had moved on to something else, well. That would be a pretty big sign that it wasn't me he wanted, just "the relationship."
I think the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Your instincts seem to be telling you the right thing to do here. Missing your home and your cat are not insignificant, but returning to them could come at a price your future self might not be willing to pay. You deserve the time and space to make the right decision for yourself.
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Hi 5FN, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.
I agree with the others about trusting your instincts. I know that isn't always what we want to do, but it really is what we should do. I didn't listen to my instincts about my alcoholic husband and the state of our marriage for a long time, it cost me my health. I got terribly sick with an anxiety disorder from living under the cloud of his alcoholism and my codependence. Waiting for the next bad thing to happen nearly drove me around the bend, in some ways it was easier when he was actively drinking because I wasn't on tender hooks waiting for it to happen.
I think hope is important...but, as they say around here, "hope is not a plan". My mother hoped for 50 years my dad would stop drinking and be the man she knew he could have been. She spent 50 years disappointed, until he died in her arms from alcohol related illnesses. My brother has major issues but she lives in hope that he will one day, all the sudden, just be better. This is never going to happen. She is constantly disappointed in him and afraid for him. She is in her 70s and never lived a calm peaceful day in her life because she has based her life around hoping other people make the choices she wants them to make. I was in danger of becoming my mother, actually I was well on my way to it.. decades into it, when I decided that wasn't a life I was willing to live any more. Hoping my AXH would get it right "this time" after all those years was getting me no where. For me, to get my life on track, I had to stop hoping and start doing.
This is hard stuff you are going through right now. I remember it well. I was 42 when I left my AXH, our youngest was 16 at the time. It was the hardest damn thing I've ever done, but it was the right thing for me to do. Only you can decide what is right for you, your gut will know what to do.
Have you read the book, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? It's an easy read and you don't have to identify as codependent to learn a lot from it, personally, it changed my life for the better.
I hope you decide to keep hanging out with us here. It's comforting to talk to people who really do understand.
I agree with the others about trusting your instincts. I know that isn't always what we want to do, but it really is what we should do. I didn't listen to my instincts about my alcoholic husband and the state of our marriage for a long time, it cost me my health. I got terribly sick with an anxiety disorder from living under the cloud of his alcoholism and my codependence. Waiting for the next bad thing to happen nearly drove me around the bend, in some ways it was easier when he was actively drinking because I wasn't on tender hooks waiting for it to happen.
I think hope is important...but, as they say around here, "hope is not a plan". My mother hoped for 50 years my dad would stop drinking and be the man she knew he could have been. She spent 50 years disappointed, until he died in her arms from alcohol related illnesses. My brother has major issues but she lives in hope that he will one day, all the sudden, just be better. This is never going to happen. She is constantly disappointed in him and afraid for him. She is in her 70s and never lived a calm peaceful day in her life because she has based her life around hoping other people make the choices she wants them to make. I was in danger of becoming my mother, actually I was well on my way to it.. decades into it, when I decided that wasn't a life I was willing to live any more. Hoping my AXH would get it right "this time" after all those years was getting me no where. For me, to get my life on track, I had to stop hoping and start doing.
This is hard stuff you are going through right now. I remember it well. I was 42 when I left my AXH, our youngest was 16 at the time. It was the hardest damn thing I've ever done, but it was the right thing for me to do. Only you can decide what is right for you, your gut will know what to do.
Have you read the book, "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? It's an easy read and you don't have to identify as codependent to learn a lot from it, personally, it changed my life for the better.
I hope you decide to keep hanging out with us here. It's comforting to talk to people who really do understand.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi 5ft, yes, you have actually answered your own questions, you know? Your instincts are spot on. He might (maybe) wish to be sober, but he isn't and you have absolutely no reason to believe he is headed that way.
I think what he would like is for you to return back to the status quo. He drinks, you can be at home with him.
Christmas is 1 day. I kind of took the emotion out of that holiday several years ago. It's actually no reason to change your life. I'm sure memories of some former xmas's are drawing you in, but you also know that is not the reality.
Personally? I would stay just where you are and as SK said I would not even consider thinking of moving back in until he has at least one year of proven sobriety. Otherwise, you will just end up back where you are now.
I also hope you will keep posting, lots of support for you here.
I think what he would like is for you to return back to the status quo. He drinks, you can be at home with him.
Christmas is 1 day. I kind of took the emotion out of that holiday several years ago. It's actually no reason to change your life. I'm sure memories of some former xmas's are drawing you in, but you also know that is not the reality.
Personally? I would stay just where you are and as SK said I would not even consider thinking of moving back in until he has at least one year of proven sobriety. Otherwise, you will just end up back where you are now.
I also hope you will keep posting, lots of support for you here.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
5ft...….I will give you my take on the questions that you asked-----
Yes, I do think you are doing the right thing. You didn't move out for nothing, did you?
Yes, you can make it on your own. It might be tight for a while, but, you will survive. You survived before, and you will survive again.
I understand that you miss your beautiful house and your cat. (will address the cat, later).
I, personally, have lived in beautiful houses, and in the most humble dwellings that you can imagine. This is what I have learned---that there is no mansion that is worth it---if one does not have peace of mind. Nothing is worth not having peace of mind. Material things, alone, will not satisfy the soul.
About the cat. In full disclosure---I am a huge animal lover. Whose cat is it---yours or his or the "family cat"? Who fed it and emptied the litter box and took it to the vet? Is the cat being well cared form now? Is the cat being held as a "bargaining tool"?
Will this be the time he stays sober-----from what you have shared---and him not being in a diligent program of sobriety as his first priority-----I, personally, would give it about the same chances that a snowball has in the Sahara Desert.
It sounds like his main goal is not sobriety----but, an urgency that you return to the status quo of the relationship.
5ft......I fervently hope that you will stick around this forum....as it has so much support to offer. I have much more to say to you....and, I will, later---but, right now, my fingers are getting tire and stiff---and, the cats are asking to be fed....lol.
Yes, I do think you are doing the right thing. You didn't move out for nothing, did you?
Yes, you can make it on your own. It might be tight for a while, but, you will survive. You survived before, and you will survive again.
I understand that you miss your beautiful house and your cat. (will address the cat, later).
I, personally, have lived in beautiful houses, and in the most humble dwellings that you can imagine. This is what I have learned---that there is no mansion that is worth it---if one does not have peace of mind. Nothing is worth not having peace of mind. Material things, alone, will not satisfy the soul.
About the cat. In full disclosure---I am a huge animal lover. Whose cat is it---yours or his or the "family cat"? Who fed it and emptied the litter box and took it to the vet? Is the cat being well cared form now? Is the cat being held as a "bargaining tool"?
Will this be the time he stays sober-----from what you have shared---and him not being in a diligent program of sobriety as his first priority-----I, personally, would give it about the same chances that a snowball has in the Sahara Desert.
It sounds like his main goal is not sobriety----but, an urgency that you return to the status quo of the relationship.
5ft......I fervently hope that you will stick around this forum....as it has so much support to offer. I have much more to say to you....and, I will, later---but, right now, my fingers are getting tire and stiff---and, the cats are asking to be fed....lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your kind words, I agree with every one of them... although I'm not sure yet how to answer individually!
So to answer a few things, I was a single parent for many years. Losing a fiance to prostate cancer brought me to my knees almost 9 years ago and since then, I have been grateful for every day - celebrating life, being thankful and joyful, always. I have no question on the type of relationship I need, and also what I don't have time for.
To SmallbutMighty - thank you. Your reply really hit home, as I am 42 and my son is 14. You are right, Hope is not a plan, "this time".
And, I love to read and will check out the book you recommended. Thank you!
TrailMix and SparkleKitty - thank you! I agree, one year of sobriety. Although, he's super peed now bc I am not moving back in before the holidays... and of course making threats to drink. I don't believe a word... his drinking is not about me, or whether I'm there or not. Like you said, status quo.
Hawkeye13 - thank you, I agree!
Dandylion - no, I didn't move out for nothing. It certainly took a lot mentally and physically.
To address the cat situation: no, he's not being used a bargaining tool and is being well taken care of. I miss my cat dearly, as he was mostly mine --- We lived pretty secluded in the woods and he's an indoor/outdoor (feral) cat. I had to move "in town" and didn't feel it was fair to bring him. I tried before when I moved the 2nd time and he didn't do well staying indoors. I took him back home after two days.
So, while I miss him terribly, he's being well cared for and loved, and the safest place for him is his home.
LOL @ a snowball has in the Sahara Desert - hilarious
Again, thank you all for posting. It took me some time to actually post myself and while I trust my gut, it is so nice and refreshing to hear I'm on point, I'm not crazy, and I'm definitely not alone. I really appreciate the replies, even if I'm not sure how the forum works!
So to answer a few things, I was a single parent for many years. Losing a fiance to prostate cancer brought me to my knees almost 9 years ago and since then, I have been grateful for every day - celebrating life, being thankful and joyful, always. I have no question on the type of relationship I need, and also what I don't have time for.
To SmallbutMighty - thank you. Your reply really hit home, as I am 42 and my son is 14. You are right, Hope is not a plan, "this time".
And, I love to read and will check out the book you recommended. Thank you!
TrailMix and SparkleKitty - thank you! I agree, one year of sobriety. Although, he's super peed now bc I am not moving back in before the holidays... and of course making threats to drink. I don't believe a word... his drinking is not about me, or whether I'm there or not. Like you said, status quo.
Hawkeye13 - thank you, I agree!
Dandylion - no, I didn't move out for nothing. It certainly took a lot mentally and physically.
To address the cat situation: no, he's not being used a bargaining tool and is being well taken care of. I miss my cat dearly, as he was mostly mine --- We lived pretty secluded in the woods and he's an indoor/outdoor (feral) cat. I had to move "in town" and didn't feel it was fair to bring him. I tried before when I moved the 2nd time and he didn't do well staying indoors. I took him back home after two days.
So, while I miss him terribly, he's being well cared for and loved, and the safest place for him is his home.
LOL @ a snowball has in the Sahara Desert - hilarious
Again, thank you all for posting. It took me some time to actually post myself and while I trust my gut, it is so nice and refreshing to hear I'm on point, I'm not crazy, and I'm definitely not alone. I really appreciate the replies, even if I'm not sure how the forum works!
Last edited by 5ftnothing; 12-13-2020 at 05:36 AM. Reason: wrong name used
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You sound very grounded 5FN. Thank you for sharing more about yourself, it helps me to understand better where you are on your journey. You certainly have been through some tough times, and proven your resilience. Coming away from the grief of losing your fiance with a new appreciation for living your best life is a beautiful tribute. You are right, life is to short and too precious to waste what little time we have here in misery.
I understand about your cat. I also had been living rurally with AXH and we had pets. When I left and moved into town, I decided to leave my old dog and old cat in the only home they had ever known, free to come and go in and out as they always had, rather than traumatizing them with a move into confinement. As with you, I knew they were not in any danger and were definitely more comfortable staying there. I sure did miss them though, so I empathize with that.
I'm glad you see your husbands manipulative words for what they are. It took me way to long to learn that lesson. I spent years wrapped up thinking I had to try and help and I had to put up with the deceptions and I had to keep forgiving bad behavior etc. My goodness it was so unhealthy and it depleted me to the point there was barely a "me" left at all. That's not a life anyone should lead.
They say, telling an addict "no" and seeing how they react to not getting their way, is one of the best indicators of their recovery. Some one not in recovery wants what they want when they want it and when they don't get it, they behave poorly... for example...getting mad and being manipulative. A person in true recovery would understand that you saying "no" is about a personal boundary that you have and respect your position even if they found it disappointing. A person in recovery accepts that their behavior has consequences, a person in active addiction blames others.
I had a lot of fears when I moved out too. I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I was especially worried about finances. Most of my fears never came to fruition. Not only did I manage to get by on my own, I managed to save up a little nest egg, that is still tucked away, so that I will never, ever feel trapped again. I have confidence you will get to this place too. Try to just concern yourself with what "IS" and not with the what "IF"s... what ifs are anxiety inducing and rarely even happen. Just keep doing the next right thing and all will fall in to place.
You certainly ARE on point, you are definitely not crazy and you are among friends here. I'm glad you found us. I hope your son is managing the changes well and that you guys carve out a peaceful holiday season for yourselves, free from alcoholic drama.
I understand about your cat. I also had been living rurally with AXH and we had pets. When I left and moved into town, I decided to leave my old dog and old cat in the only home they had ever known, free to come and go in and out as they always had, rather than traumatizing them with a move into confinement. As with you, I knew they were not in any danger and were definitely more comfortable staying there. I sure did miss them though, so I empathize with that.
I'm glad you see your husbands manipulative words for what they are. It took me way to long to learn that lesson. I spent years wrapped up thinking I had to try and help and I had to put up with the deceptions and I had to keep forgiving bad behavior etc. My goodness it was so unhealthy and it depleted me to the point there was barely a "me" left at all. That's not a life anyone should lead.
They say, telling an addict "no" and seeing how they react to not getting their way, is one of the best indicators of their recovery. Some one not in recovery wants what they want when they want it and when they don't get it, they behave poorly... for example...getting mad and being manipulative. A person in true recovery would understand that you saying "no" is about a personal boundary that you have and respect your position even if they found it disappointing. A person in recovery accepts that their behavior has consequences, a person in active addiction blames others.
I had a lot of fears when I moved out too. I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I was especially worried about finances. Most of my fears never came to fruition. Not only did I manage to get by on my own, I managed to save up a little nest egg, that is still tucked away, so that I will never, ever feel trapped again. I have confidence you will get to this place too. Try to just concern yourself with what "IS" and not with the what "IF"s... what ifs are anxiety inducing and rarely even happen. Just keep doing the next right thing and all will fall in to place.
You certainly ARE on point, you are definitely not crazy and you are among friends here. I'm glad you found us. I hope your son is managing the changes well and that you guys carve out a peaceful holiday season for yourselves, free from alcoholic drama.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
5ft...…...I am glad that you are willing to read the book that is recommended by smallbutmighty-----"Co-deoendent No More", It is the most recommended book on this forum and I think a lot of it may resonate with you.
LOl….I am sort of famous around here for saying that Knowledge is power.
Did you know that this forum has a kind of library of over o ne hundred articles about alcoholism and the effects on the family and loved ones? A wealth of knowledge collect in one place. I would be very enlightening of you to read through them, I think. They were written by those who have walked in your kind of shoes.
I am going to give you a link to this library, for your convenience. They are actually housed in the stickies above the regular threads in a section called Classic Readings.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/101494-classic-reading.html (Classic Reading)
There is another collection of excellent articles on the main Soberrecovery home page. If you scroll to the very bottom of that page---look for the black bar at the bottom---called the Best of Sober Recovery. Great reading!
I really do hope that you will not exit this forum----but, hang around and read and contribute your experiences, also. Each person has some experiences to share and support to offer others who might be, also, struggling.
LOl….I am sort of famous around here for saying that Knowledge is power.
Did you know that this forum has a kind of library of over o ne hundred articles about alcoholism and the effects on the family and loved ones? A wealth of knowledge collect in one place. I would be very enlightening of you to read through them, I think. They were written by those who have walked in your kind of shoes.
I am going to give you a link to this library, for your convenience. They are actually housed in the stickies above the regular threads in a section called Classic Readings.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/101494-classic-reading.html (Classic Reading)
There is another collection of excellent articles on the main Soberrecovery home page. If you scroll to the very bottom of that page---look for the black bar at the bottom---called the Best of Sober Recovery. Great reading!
I really do hope that you will not exit this forum----but, hang around and read and contribute your experiences, also. Each person has some experiences to share and support to offer others who might be, also, struggling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 4
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your replies and understanding!
I really liked what you said about an addict in recovery vs. still active - that really hit home for me! (and shows me where he's at; it's not recovery)
I have said to my family, most whom don't quite understand, as most of my family rarely drink - I tell them, he may not have hit rock bottom again, but I have. I am at rock bottom with his addiction and I'm getting off the rollercoaster.
He is so fantastic otherwise; it makes me feel bad to portray him in a bad light. I'm sure most of us feel this way.
I am not opposed to drinking, but I can take it or leave it - I've always been that way.
Although, being totally honest, after almost 6 years of not drinking myself (to be supportive), I could go for a cold beer.
Last thing, my son was excited about the move and has loved the change - especially being within walking distant of friends.
I really liked what you said about an addict in recovery vs. still active - that really hit home for me! (and shows me where he's at; it's not recovery)
I have said to my family, most whom don't quite understand, as most of my family rarely drink - I tell them, he may not have hit rock bottom again, but I have. I am at rock bottom with his addiction and I'm getting off the rollercoaster.
He is so fantastic otherwise; it makes me feel bad to portray him in a bad light. I'm sure most of us feel this way.
I am not opposed to drinking, but I can take it or leave it - I've always been that way.
Although, being totally honest, after almost 6 years of not drinking myself (to be supportive), I could go for a cold beer.
Last thing, my son was excited about the move and has loved the change - especially being within walking distant of friends.
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
You sound very grounded 5FN. Thank you for sharing more about yourself, it helps me to understand better where you are on your journey. You certainly have been through some tough times, and proven your resilience. Coming away from the grief of losing your fiance with a new appreciation for living your best life is a beautiful tribute. You are right, life is to short and too precious to waste what little time we have here in misery.
I understand about your cat. I also had been living rurally with AXH and we had pets. When I left and moved into town, I decided to leave my old dog and old cat in the only home they had ever known, free to come and go in and out as they always had, rather than traumatizing them with a move into confinement. As with you, I knew they were not in any danger and were definitely more comfortable staying there. I sure did miss them though, so I empathize with that.
I'm glad you see your husbands manipulative words for what they are. It took me way to long to learn that lesson. I spent years wrapped up thinking I had to try and help and I had to put up with the deceptions and I had to keep forgiving bad behavior etc. My goodness it was so unhealthy and it depleted me to the point there was barely a "me" left at all. That's not a life anyone should lead.
They say, telling an addict "no" and seeing how they react to not getting their way, is one of the best indicators of their recovery. Some one not in recovery wants what they want when they want it and when they don't get it, they behave poorly... for example...getting mad and being manipulative. A person in true recovery would understand that you saying "no" is about a personal boundary that you have and respect your position even if they found it disappointing. A person in recovery accepts that their behavior has consequences, a person in active addiction blames others.
I had a lot of fears when I moved out too. I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I was especially worried about finances. Most of my fears never came to fruition. Not only did I manage to get by on my own, I managed to save up a little nest egg, that is still tucked away, so that I will never, ever feel trapped again. I have confidence you will get to this place too. Try to just concern yourself with what "IS" and not with the what "IF"s... what ifs are anxiety inducing and rarely even happen. Just keep doing the next right thing and all will fall in to place.
You certainly ARE on point, you are definitely not crazy and you are among friends here. I'm glad you found us. I hope your son is managing the changes well and that you guys carve out a peaceful holiday season for yourselves, free from alcoholic drama.
I understand about your cat. I also had been living rurally with AXH and we had pets. When I left and moved into town, I decided to leave my old dog and old cat in the only home they had ever known, free to come and go in and out as they always had, rather than traumatizing them with a move into confinement. As with you, I knew they were not in any danger and were definitely more comfortable staying there. I sure did miss them though, so I empathize with that.
I'm glad you see your husbands manipulative words for what they are. It took me way to long to learn that lesson. I spent years wrapped up thinking I had to try and help and I had to put up with the deceptions and I had to keep forgiving bad behavior etc. My goodness it was so unhealthy and it depleted me to the point there was barely a "me" left at all. That's not a life anyone should lead.
They say, telling an addict "no" and seeing how they react to not getting their way, is one of the best indicators of their recovery. Some one not in recovery wants what they want when they want it and when they don't get it, they behave poorly... for example...getting mad and being manipulative. A person in true recovery would understand that you saying "no" is about a personal boundary that you have and respect your position even if they found it disappointing. A person in recovery accepts that their behavior has consequences, a person in active addiction blames others.
I had a lot of fears when I moved out too. I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I was especially worried about finances. Most of my fears never came to fruition. Not only did I manage to get by on my own, I managed to save up a little nest egg, that is still tucked away, so that I will never, ever feel trapped again. I have confidence you will get to this place too. Try to just concern yourself with what "IS" and not with the what "IF"s... what ifs are anxiety inducing and rarely even happen. Just keep doing the next right thing and all will fall in to place.
You certainly ARE on point, you are definitely not crazy and you are among friends here. I'm glad you found us. I hope your son is managing the changes well and that you guys carve out a peaceful holiday season for yourselves, free from alcoholic drama.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I think it's great that you're son is happy about the move. That says a lot. I remember asking my son how he felt about me moving out, he was 16 and planning to spend time living both places. He said," I'm going to make the most of a sh***y situation". I think that was the first time I heard him swear when he was talking directly to me! But I was glad that he was looking forward to being in town and having more opportunities to do the things he couldn't do as often when we lived 45mins away. It definitely makes things easier for you that it is a positive experience for your young man.
You are right, most of us feel bad or defensive for our qualifiers. That's normal. We love them, they have some wonderful qualities as human beings. My AXH is not an evil person, but he is a sick man who makes bad choices. Those bad choices negatively affect the people around him. I made bad choices when I was with him, I reacted badly to his behavior. It doesn't mean we are/were bad people, but we had become toxic to each other.
People who have not witnessed addiction rarely understand it. I had people say things like;
" Can't you just let him get drunk once in a while to blow off steam?" ( As if I "let" him do things? good or bad? WTHE)
"Can't you give him one more chance?" ( Like I hadn't given him a million already?)
"But he was good to you, he never hit you or cheated on you" ( There are other forms of abuse and/or reasons to divorce)
"What about your vows, have you guys tried counselling?" ( I wouldn't have been leaving if it wasn't last resort time)
It is really good that you can recognize your own "rock bottom" and decide to make changes that will improve your own quality of life. Honestly, that is really all anyone can ever do. It took me many years to understand that. It's a much healthier way to approach life that's for sure, I'm so glad you are on that path. I learned I didn't have to explain that to people if I didn't want to. I just had to live my truth and they could all think whatever the heck they wanted to.
You are right, most of us feel bad or defensive for our qualifiers. That's normal. We love them, they have some wonderful qualities as human beings. My AXH is not an evil person, but he is a sick man who makes bad choices. Those bad choices negatively affect the people around him. I made bad choices when I was with him, I reacted badly to his behavior. It doesn't mean we are/were bad people, but we had become toxic to each other.
People who have not witnessed addiction rarely understand it. I had people say things like;
" Can't you just let him get drunk once in a while to blow off steam?" ( As if I "let" him do things? good or bad? WTHE)
"Can't you give him one more chance?" ( Like I hadn't given him a million already?)
"But he was good to you, he never hit you or cheated on you" ( There are other forms of abuse and/or reasons to divorce)
"What about your vows, have you guys tried counselling?" ( I wouldn't have been leaving if it wasn't last resort time)
It is really good that you can recognize your own "rock bottom" and decide to make changes that will improve your own quality of life. Honestly, that is really all anyone can ever do. It took me many years to understand that. It's a much healthier way to approach life that's for sure, I'm so glad you are on that path. I learned I didn't have to explain that to people if I didn't want to. I just had to live my truth and they could all think whatever the heck they wanted to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 4
I can appreciate all of the things people have said to you. I have heard the same, almost verbatim - including from my own father!
I get it; he's a great guy, a man's man. I had to firmly say recently, this has been a very hard decision and I would hope you'd think more of me. It usually gets my point across.
I personally love the "one more chance" -- "This is the 3rd time I've moved out."
I just want my husband to have a life of recovery and sobriety. He hasn't drank in almost 2 months. I think that's wonderful.
One minute he's doing great, and a little later it's a hard day. I don't envy him. Though, without going into detail, he really isn't in recovery, he's just not drinking. He doesn't want to understand why I won't move back. Uh yeah, I'd love to. I didn't want to leave in the first place. It's not "me" that is the reason I left.
Hopefully he'll stay on the sober path and back to a positive mind-set and lifestyle but if not, I don't live there.
And, Amen! People can think whatever they want.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom.
I get it; he's a great guy, a man's man. I had to firmly say recently, this has been a very hard decision and I would hope you'd think more of me. It usually gets my point across.
I personally love the "one more chance" -- "This is the 3rd time I've moved out."
I just want my husband to have a life of recovery and sobriety. He hasn't drank in almost 2 months. I think that's wonderful.
One minute he's doing great, and a little later it's a hard day. I don't envy him. Though, without going into detail, he really isn't in recovery, he's just not drinking. He doesn't want to understand why I won't move back. Uh yeah, I'd love to. I didn't want to leave in the first place. It's not "me" that is the reason I left.
Hopefully he'll stay on the sober path and back to a positive mind-set and lifestyle but if not, I don't live there.
And, Amen! People can think whatever they want.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom.
Last edited by 5ftnothing; 12-16-2020 at 02:49 PM. Reason: missed a word
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
5ft......I can tell you from my own experience, that, when you make a personal boundary to protect yourself---you can't look to others to be in agreement with that boundary. Much of the time, they are going to give you push back, on it. Lol....much of the time, the boundary is to protect yourself from those very people----the same people who were taking advantage of your weak , inconsistent, or absent boundaries.
On the same subject...sort of----you can't look so much to other people for your validation....agreement about your actions. feelings, decisions, etc. You have to get validation from your own self and. maybe, others who have your ultimate well being at heart (if there are any). We can't run our lives "by committee". It helps when we take a stance if we are not people-pleasers/
We have to be able to exist if someone gets mad at us, sometimes. People who get mad can get glad in the same pants that they got mad in.
On the same subject...sort of----you can't look so much to other people for your validation....agreement about your actions. feelings, decisions, etc. You have to get validation from your own self and. maybe, others who have your ultimate well being at heart (if there are any). We can't run our lives "by committee". It helps when we take a stance if we are not people-pleasers/
We have to be able to exist if someone gets mad at us, sometimes. People who get mad can get glad in the same pants that they got mad in.
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