Should I leave or stay?? Help
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Should I leave or stay?? Help
Should I leave or stay?
I have been with my bf for 2.5 years. First year was great, we had a lot of fun, sex was good, we communicated well etc. Last year he lost his job, he was depressed and I tried to encourage him with going back to school or looking for a new job but he just seemed off. I knew about his history with alcohol but he made it sound as if it was just a rebellious phase in his past, he has one prior DUI. For a better part of a year he spent most of his days hiding drinking and driving, drinking at work, getting drunk at family events. I had no clue at the time as again I thought he was just depressed or seemed off, I couldn’t pin point it. I was in a very stressful job at the time and had my own stuff going on that to this day I feel so stupid I didn’t realize he was drunk half the time. He was so good at hiding it. My car broke down in the winter so I had him pick me up from work. The first thing I noticed was he smelt of booze and was completely wasted behind the wheel. I told him to get out and I drove us home. He proceeded to tell me that he only had one glass of wine and why I was upset at him for ONLY ONE GLASS. The thing is it wasn’t one glass he had been drinking all day... he wasn’t so good at hiding things anymore he was sloppy. I got his family involved as I felt I could no longer deal with this on my own, he was upset with me at this decision. He did not want to go to AA or any treatment Center he said he could do this on his own. His family was in just as much denial, they sent him to the church pastor for some “help” he attended a professional councillor once. I was optimistic that things would get better as so far we were monitoring him closely with breathylisers and he appeared sober. Probably from the stress of his situation along with my stress of school I ended up getting very sick. I was in and out of the hospital and almost had to quit school. I wasn’t a great person to be around with my illness but I tried my best to support him even when was I sick.
Since “getting sober” we haven’t really talked about much. I will ask him questions about how he is feeling, his craving etc. He says he is fine and has no desire to drink. We have not been intimate in months I suspect due to him moving home, no longer drinking etc. I ask him about it and he just says he is unconfident in his body. He doesn’t act the same affectionate way towards me. I am the one who told his family about his drinking problems. I don’t want to leave him during this time. But I also believe I deserve better. He doesn’t want to travel, doesn’t want to have sex or try new things. It has been this way for 1.5 years. Is this just a phase of being newly sober or is this it??? He refuses AA and other than white knuckling it that is the only treatment. I don’t even know if he is staying truly sober. He is emotionally shut off. Do things get better? Should I leave? Any suggestions?
I have been with my bf for 2.5 years. First year was great, we had a lot of fun, sex was good, we communicated well etc. Last year he lost his job, he was depressed and I tried to encourage him with going back to school or looking for a new job but he just seemed off. I knew about his history with alcohol but he made it sound as if it was just a rebellious phase in his past, he has one prior DUI. For a better part of a year he spent most of his days hiding drinking and driving, drinking at work, getting drunk at family events. I had no clue at the time as again I thought he was just depressed or seemed off, I couldn’t pin point it. I was in a very stressful job at the time and had my own stuff going on that to this day I feel so stupid I didn’t realize he was drunk half the time. He was so good at hiding it. My car broke down in the winter so I had him pick me up from work. The first thing I noticed was he smelt of booze and was completely wasted behind the wheel. I told him to get out and I drove us home. He proceeded to tell me that he only had one glass of wine and why I was upset at him for ONLY ONE GLASS. The thing is it wasn’t one glass he had been drinking all day... he wasn’t so good at hiding things anymore he was sloppy. I got his family involved as I felt I could no longer deal with this on my own, he was upset with me at this decision. He did not want to go to AA or any treatment Center he said he could do this on his own. His family was in just as much denial, they sent him to the church pastor for some “help” he attended a professional councillor once. I was optimistic that things would get better as so far we were monitoring him closely with breathylisers and he appeared sober. Probably from the stress of his situation along with my stress of school I ended up getting very sick. I was in and out of the hospital and almost had to quit school. I wasn’t a great person to be around with my illness but I tried my best to support him even when was I sick.
Since “getting sober” we haven’t really talked about much. I will ask him questions about how he is feeling, his craving etc. He says he is fine and has no desire to drink. We have not been intimate in months I suspect due to him moving home, no longer drinking etc. I ask him about it and he just says he is unconfident in his body. He doesn’t act the same affectionate way towards me. I am the one who told his family about his drinking problems. I don’t want to leave him during this time. But I also believe I deserve better. He doesn’t want to travel, doesn’t want to have sex or try new things. It has been this way for 1.5 years. Is this just a phase of being newly sober or is this it??? He refuses AA and other than white knuckling it that is the only treatment. I don’t even know if he is staying truly sober. He is emotionally shut off. Do things get better? Should I leave? Any suggestions?
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Hi Lifeonhold. Well, your life, at least your romantic life really is on hold. Are you even a couple really anymore?
Do you deserve better? Absolutely, if you want something else. What effort is he making to seek help? None from the sound of it, so I can't imagine why anything would change. You could go along like this for years.
You are familiar with "white knuckling" so you know that actually putting the drink down is just the first step, obviously your bf isn't doing that well emotionally and could probably use support, however, he needs outside help, AA, therapy etc, which he has refused.
You are at a stalemate. You mentioned you don't want to leave him during this time, but you are powerless to change him. So if you won't leave the relationship, I would say just expect more of the same.
You can't actually police this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's) he will quit drinking, or start drinking when he wants to, he will get help if/when he wants to. He is a grown man and that is fair, he gets to make his own decisions.
What about your boundaries? It's perhaps important to start thinking about that a bit. What will you live with? Are you willing to go on for years like this? If he doesn't seek help, are you wanting to end the relationship? I don't know if you are familiar with boundaries but they are not rules for him, they are for you only, what will you or will you not put up with? If you don't like something, what will you do about it? This is different than a rule in that in a "rule" you are setting a guideline for what their behaviour must be, a boundary is in your power as if you don't like or don't agree with how something is, you change, you don't expect the other person to.
Do you deserve better? Absolutely, if you want something else. What effort is he making to seek help? None from the sound of it, so I can't imagine why anything would change. You could go along like this for years.
You are familiar with "white knuckling" so you know that actually putting the drink down is just the first step, obviously your bf isn't doing that well emotionally and could probably use support, however, he needs outside help, AA, therapy etc, which he has refused.
You are at a stalemate. You mentioned you don't want to leave him during this time, but you are powerless to change him. So if you won't leave the relationship, I would say just expect more of the same.
I was optimistic that things would get better as so far we were monitoring him closely with breathylisers and he appeared sober.
What about your boundaries? It's perhaps important to start thinking about that a bit. What will you live with? Are you willing to go on for years like this? If he doesn't seek help, are you wanting to end the relationship? I don't know if you are familiar with boundaries but they are not rules for him, they are for you only, what will you or will you not put up with? If you don't like something, what will you do about it? This is different than a rule in that in a "rule" you are setting a guideline for what their behaviour must be, a boundary is in your power as if you don't like or don't agree with how something is, you change, you don't expect the other person to.
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Thank you @trailmix for your reply! I found out around Christmas of last year about his drinking. Completely lost of what to do I got his family involved as it was all too much for me. I felt that if he didn’t get some serious help or a blow box at least back on his car he would most likely kill himself or someone else. My boundaries are that I don’t tolerate lying and manipulation for several months of drinking and hiding alcohol. He was remorseful “ish” in the beginning and he was the one to buy the breathalyzer to “prove” that he was going to sober on his on terms no AA. He said maybe he would try counseling. I believe if I hadn’t caught him and involved his parents he would never stop. For the last year we have not discussed anything involving alcohol. It’s as if him and his family have pretended it never happened. I am assuming he is still sober but again if I ask to discuss it, he shuts down quickly and becomes defensive. Is this a sober reaction? That he can not function emotionally without alcohol? I feel that I want to leave but a part of me keeps thinking that old person will come back again, that maybe he needs time to adjust to living without the alcohol. And if he is sober this whole time and I asked him to be and I leave then I feel terrible. I just am confused by his emotional behaviour and if this will change?
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Originally Posted by Lifeonhold 
I just am confused by his emotional behaviour and if this will change?
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We have to make decisions based on the reality we are living in right now, not what we hope might happen in the future. As far as you know, this is as good as the relationship will ever get. It certainly doesn’t sound as though he is making any effort for it to get better or is even willing to think or talk about doing so later, whether he’s drinking in secret or not.
If it were me, I would wish him well and move on.
If it were me, I would wish him well and move on.
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Lifeonhold: This is what dating is for. It's to find out if we are compatible.
Many years ago, my first serious boyfriend and I had a discussion about lifestyle. I grew up in a house, I wanted to own a house. He grew up in an apartment and had no interest - zero, zip, nada - in owning. Ever, he was convinced the security wasn't worth the hassle of dealing with ownership. We broke up for other reasons. Forty years later, I own a house.
Ex now lives in an apartment. He always has. I would never have changed his mind. He wouldn't have changed mine.
You have as much power to sober up your bf as I had to convince Mark that the security of owning a home was worth the effort of maintaining it. I know what you're thinking because I was where you are just before I married my husband. Yeah, he drank a lot, I thought, but that's something that can be fixed. It can, but only by the alcoholic.
Many years ago, my first serious boyfriend and I had a discussion about lifestyle. I grew up in a house, I wanted to own a house. He grew up in an apartment and had no interest - zero, zip, nada - in owning. Ever, he was convinced the security wasn't worth the hassle of dealing with ownership. We broke up for other reasons. Forty years later, I own a house.
Ex now lives in an apartment. He always has. I would never have changed his mind. He wouldn't have changed mine.
You have as much power to sober up your bf as I had to convince Mark that the security of owning a home was worth the effort of maintaining it. I know what you're thinking because I was where you are just before I married my husband. Yeah, he drank a lot, I thought, but that's something that can be fixed. It can, but only by the alcoholic.
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LoH, you don't mention your age range, but I believe you are still relatively "young". (?)
My first husband and I were 16 when we got together. I was 26 and pregnant with our second child when I realized he was an actual alcoholic. I stayed with him for another 16 years. My entire youth spent in the chaos of his alcoholism and my codependence. I do not regret marrying him, I'm so grateful for the children we have from that union, but I do wish we had been better examples to our kids. I do wish I had had a better quality of life, felt more secure in my relationship, heck, more secure in my life.
You chose the name "Lifeonhold"... that says a lot. Only you can decide how much of your life you want to spend on hold.
As I said, I don't regret marrying my AXH, but I don't regret divorcing him either. We were no longer compatible, our relationship was not healthy and neither were we. We wasted years of our lives being miserable with each other because we were no longer compatible. We still had Love, but Love is not enough to make a relationship work. People change, people want different things, couples grow apart, it happens, it's always sad for the people involved, whether there is alcoholism involved or not.
I hope you choose which ever choice will bring you health and happiness. I do suggest you trust your instincts on this decision.
My first husband and I were 16 when we got together. I was 26 and pregnant with our second child when I realized he was an actual alcoholic. I stayed with him for another 16 years. My entire youth spent in the chaos of his alcoholism and my codependence. I do not regret marrying him, I'm so grateful for the children we have from that union, but I do wish we had been better examples to our kids. I do wish I had had a better quality of life, felt more secure in my relationship, heck, more secure in my life.
You chose the name "Lifeonhold"... that says a lot. Only you can decide how much of your life you want to spend on hold.
As I said, I don't regret marrying my AXH, but I don't regret divorcing him either. We were no longer compatible, our relationship was not healthy and neither were we. We wasted years of our lives being miserable with each other because we were no longer compatible. We still had Love, but Love is not enough to make a relationship work. People change, people want different things, couples grow apart, it happens, it's always sad for the people involved, whether there is alcoholism involved or not.
I hope you choose which ever choice will bring you health and happiness. I do suggest you trust your instincts on this decision.
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Lifeonhold-------After reading what you share---I am like SparkleKitty----I would wish him well and move on with my life. You cannot control his alcoholism, no matter how hard you try, and he doesn't want to.
I do suggest that you read the most recommended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More"......I think that it will be helpful for you, now and in the future.
I do suggest that you read the most recommended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More"......I think that it will be helpful for you, now and in the future.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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LoH,
Super difficult time for you, I wish I could say that it will get better, but sometimes with this progressive illness, things can get worse...much worse. Your main question, "Should I stay or Leave", is such an intimately, personal one which is less a decision and more of a journey. At least from my personal experience. It is truly wonderful that you have identified and see the alcoholism so early on in your relationship. This gives you time to better understand the reality of the disease and the problems associated with having an intimate partner who is addicted. If I could do it all over again, I would have gotten into Al-Anon sooner, joined a Men's group, took on a sponsor and taken steps to take care of myself. That may have helped me to make better decisions and be more resilient in the face of the madness. I lived in denial for a long time and spent a lot of time trying to make things better, when the disease of alcoholism was slowly getting more powerful in both of our lives, destroying everything between us. Please don't take this to mean that it will happen to you...I have no idea what is in store for you. But know that there are some parallell experiences that so many of us on this forum share. The information you were given about the dry-drunk phenomenon is important to know. My Ex tried to solve the problem on her own many times over, and it never lasted....even going to treatment, she still relapses and she has so much to live for (child, job, family, etc....).Remember, you will not find the perfect answer to your question. Turn that question into a QUEST...and when you find what you are loking for, you may be pleasently surprised. Regardless, it takes time. It has taken me years to do what I had to do, and it ripped me apart inside. I am still just at the start of my journey, but I had a 20 year marriage. Not saying your relationship isn't as significant...but what I am saying is, that you have come to the recognition phase early on, and that is adventageous to you and your healing. Keep posting, keep reading, keep doing things that feed you...and avoid engaging in drama if you can see it coming.
Super difficult time for you, I wish I could say that it will get better, but sometimes with this progressive illness, things can get worse...much worse. Your main question, "Should I stay or Leave", is such an intimately, personal one which is less a decision and more of a journey. At least from my personal experience. It is truly wonderful that you have identified and see the alcoholism so early on in your relationship. This gives you time to better understand the reality of the disease and the problems associated with having an intimate partner who is addicted. If I could do it all over again, I would have gotten into Al-Anon sooner, joined a Men's group, took on a sponsor and taken steps to take care of myself. That may have helped me to make better decisions and be more resilient in the face of the madness. I lived in denial for a long time and spent a lot of time trying to make things better, when the disease of alcoholism was slowly getting more powerful in both of our lives, destroying everything between us. Please don't take this to mean that it will happen to you...I have no idea what is in store for you. But know that there are some parallell experiences that so many of us on this forum share. The information you were given about the dry-drunk phenomenon is important to know. My Ex tried to solve the problem on her own many times over, and it never lasted....even going to treatment, she still relapses and she has so much to live for (child, job, family, etc....).Remember, you will not find the perfect answer to your question. Turn that question into a QUEST...and when you find what you are loking for, you may be pleasently surprised. Regardless, it takes time. It has taken me years to do what I had to do, and it ripped me apart inside. I am still just at the start of my journey, but I had a 20 year marriage. Not saying your relationship isn't as significant...but what I am saying is, that you have come to the recognition phase early on, and that is adventageous to you and your healing. Keep posting, keep reading, keep doing things that feed you...and avoid engaging in drama if you can see it coming.
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Originally Posted by Lifeonhold
I feel that I want to leave but a part of me keeps thinking that old person will come back again, that maybe he needs time to adjust to living without the alcohol. And if he is sober this whole time and I asked him to be and I leave then I feel terrible. I just am confused by his emotional behaviour and if this will change?
He is on his own plain of thinking, which is not at all in sync with yours. If what you want is a better relationship, far better to end this and move along to what may be a wonderful, healthy relationship and leave him to find his own way?
Some time not in a relationship would probably help you to really think about what it is you want. The book dandylion mentioned would be a great first step. The book discusses relationships and boundaries and would be a great start at really reviewing what it is you want in your future relationships (with all people, not just romantic relationships).
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Wow! Thank you everyone for all the great replies, I appreciate it very much! I think the hardest part is realizing what this relationship is now. I had visualized my bf being my husband and fully trusting him financially and emotionally. Within his year of drinking he spent an average of $4,500 a month on booze and food, random things. I myself am a thrifty person so that seemed INSANE to me. I’ve been getting angry with him a lot and I feel bad. But all this lying for months last year was enough to make my head explode. Not much has changed within the last year. He still spends money, just not on booze. Yes he has stopped drinking as far as I know, and managed to start going back to school but emotionally he is not there. I think he resents me for making him stop. He is so different towards me now. But I just can’t trust him, in my mind I feel I am trying to micromanage things so he doesn’t drink. But after reading a lot more on this site, I realize I can’t be the one to do that. I myself have not been in the best mindset, unfortunately, dealing with my own health problems has also put a lot of strain on the relationship. I constantly go back and forth in my mind about ending it. I was recently diagnosed with an Autoimmune disease that can cause really bad flair ups of chronic pain, and for him I don’t think he knows how to communicate with me during these times. Just makes me feel if both of us could get to a better state that old relationship could be there again. I really don’t know, I feel so stuck.
If i take take a good hard look at who he is now, I feel sad and angry, almost embarrassed.
I love him so deeply and the man he was in the beginning was all I have ever dreamed about. Now he is almost unrecognizable, physically and emotionally. It hurts to know that the man I loved is in there somewhere but I don’t know if he will come back. Do I wait and see? Give him more time? Give myself more time to heal? Or am I in for a life of misery? I travelled a lot in my early 20’s I am 27 now. I’ve always dreamed of travelling with my bf across Europe. He says he wants to, but within the last 2.5 years I have gone on every trip alone. If we did try go anywhere it ended with him getting to drunk or hiding it. I can’t even see us travelling tbh. Me trying to dodge every bar, him not wanting to travel. I should leave. I know I should, I feel it as I type this.
Thank you again for all your wonderful replies!
If i take take a good hard look at who he is now, I feel sad and angry, almost embarrassed.
I love him so deeply and the man he was in the beginning was all I have ever dreamed about. Now he is almost unrecognizable, physically and emotionally. It hurts to know that the man I loved is in there somewhere but I don’t know if he will come back. Do I wait and see? Give him more time? Give myself more time to heal? Or am I in for a life of misery? I travelled a lot in my early 20’s I am 27 now. I’ve always dreamed of travelling with my bf across Europe. He says he wants to, but within the last 2.5 years I have gone on every trip alone. If we did try go anywhere it ended with him getting to drunk or hiding it. I can’t even see us travelling tbh. Me trying to dodge every bar, him not wanting to travel. I should leave. I know I should, I feel it as I type this.
Thank you again for all your wonderful replies!
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Originally Posted by Lifeonhold
I was recently diagnosed with an Autoimmune disease that can cause really bad flair ups of chronic pain, and for him I don’t think he knows how to communicate with me during these times. Just makes me feel if both of us could get to a better state that old relationship could be there again. I really don’t know, I feel so stuck.
How about turning this around. You get rid of your autoimmune condition and all will be well! See, doesn't really work, so asking him to change is pretty much the same, or rather hoping he will change is unrealistic right now.
He's not getting any help, it's a HUGE task to pull yourself out of emotional disability (did I mention it's huge) probably bigger than quitting drinking was for him. Always remember as well, action, not words. So when you hear him saying or you thinking to yourself, if he would change and I changed and everything changed we could go back to that great place we were at, if everyone isn't pulling the same way, just "saying" it, where will that get you.
You don't need anyone's permission to leave, except your own. You probably need time and distance to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Is there some guilt lurking there?
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Originally Posted by Lifeonhold
..... if both of us could get to a better state that old relationship could be there again.
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FallenAngelia------tt has, also, been my observation that relationships never go back.
I find it interesting, that so many people give that as their goal---that fervent hope that keeps them trying ---"I want to go back to what it was like when we first met".
Sort of like the search for the Fountain of Youth----or, the search for the illusive Big Foot.....lol.....
I find it interesting, that so many people give that as their goal---that fervent hope that keeps them trying ---"I want to go back to what it was like when we first met".
Sort of like the search for the Fountain of Youth----or, the search for the illusive Big Foot.....lol.....
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That is a really good point, that we can't go back. For me, when I say (I wish things could go back, have her back, etc.) it has more to do with processing the deep loss of what was. The loss of something you value is such a giant blow!! I don't know the answer, but for today it is chin up, and move through the loss the best I can. Wishing you, LoH a better day...
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Thank you everyone again for the replies! You’re right it probably won’t go back to that, which is what causes so much sadness for me. I agree it’s more of what we had visualized for the future with that person and now that we can’t picture that anymore it’s so hard to make the decision to leave. I don’t feel like it is a real relationship anymore, more just a love for each other but nothing more intimate than that. For him he doesn’t seem bothered by it. If I ask him to do more interesting things with me, like travel or go for a weekend get a way he has no interest. Just says it’s not the right time. I don’t feel he lost interest in me, but rather himself. And I can’t talk to him, he is so emotionally shut off from me. Is this the dry drunk thing happening? I am afraid that he will drink if I leave. I know I can’t put that on myself but I do fear that. But I know I can’t be the one to control it.
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Could be, honestly he sounds depressed. I don't know how much you know about depression, but it can be very debilitating. I'm not a doctor, just speaking from what I know. Many people will self medicate with alcohol for depression and/or anxiety. If you read around the Newcomer's to Recovery forum, you will hear this mentioned often.
At some point, he will need to reach out for help probably, if he decides to do so.
I think this describes it well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCr...ation%28WHO%29
At some point, he will need to reach out for help probably, if he decides to do so.
I think this describes it well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCr...ation%28WHO%29
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Dear Lifeonhold,
The only person you have any control over is you. Sometimes when you focus on yourself, and leave your alcoholic loved one to sink or swim as it were, they finally have no one to blame but themselves, and no one to punish. He may not get better if you leave, but you will certainly have less stress in your life, which is a good thing. He is no longer the man you fell in love with. Untreated addiction transforms a person, and unless and until they really want to get better, they won't. Glad you found this wonderful site. Stay and read and chat. Take care of you first and foremost. You deserve better than this. We all do.
The only person you have any control over is you. Sometimes when you focus on yourself, and leave your alcoholic loved one to sink or swim as it were, they finally have no one to blame but themselves, and no one to punish. He may not get better if you leave, but you will certainly have less stress in your life, which is a good thing. He is no longer the man you fell in love with. Untreated addiction transforms a person, and unless and until they really want to get better, they won't. Glad you found this wonderful site. Stay and read and chat. Take care of you first and foremost. You deserve better than this. We all do.
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Thank you for that reply! Yes he is almost unrecognizable to me. It has completely transformed him. I feel I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes he is not drinking, but this is not a relationship. It makes me feel sad. He just wants to pretend it never happened. He moved back with his parents at 30 years old because he was not responsible to live on his own, according to his parents. His entire apartment and car were fillllled with bottles. He didn’t choose to stop. I caught him and got his parents involved, apparently this has happened before I met him. Had previous history with bad Alcohol abuse. He doesn’t think he has a problem, and doesn’t accept that he can never drink. I know I can’t do anything, but I know if I didn’t do something he would have killed someone driving. You’re right, I don’t need this stress, I think I am codependent, my heart breaks thinking of leaving or things getting worse for him.
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This could go on for years. Of course it is up to you if you want to continue seeing him, just know that it may never change or he may just relapse, you don't know. Without him having any professional support or at least the support of AA, I wouldn't hold out much hope of him making progress.
You can't help him, he doesn't want help and even if he did, he would need a different kind of help than you can give.. You can't stop him from drinking again or drinking and driving or sitting at his parents house depressed (is he also unemployed now?).
If you were content at all with this situation, if you were still happy to go along, that's one thing, but that's not what you are saying.
The relationship? You are not responsible for him and really, does he expect you to be, it doesn't really sound like it if this is his attitude.
This is a bit confusing, do you love him still, or the man he used to be?
You can't help him, he doesn't want help and even if he did, he would need a different kind of help than you can give.. You can't stop him from drinking again or drinking and driving or sitting at his parents house depressed (is he also unemployed now?).
If you were content at all with this situation, if you were still happy to go along, that's one thing, but that's not what you are saying.
He just wants to pretend it never happened.
If i take take a good hard look at who he is now, I feel sad and angry, almost embarrassed.
I love him so deeply and the man he was in the beginning was all I have ever dreamed about
I love him so deeply and the man he was in the beginning was all I have ever dreamed about
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