I cant function...please help

Old 11-28-2020, 06:51 PM
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I cant function...please help

Hello,
unfortunately im pretty educated in the drug world even tho I have never really touched a drug in my life besides trying pot. I dated a guy for 6 years who was into anything and everything. From xanax to smoking meth. It was horrible. He would lie and steal and drain me of all I had. I stayed so long because he showed me such love when he wasn't being a jerk..this isn't why im here. I got rid of him. Took me forever to heal and I believe I still am and probably always will be. Fast forward. I met someone new. When I seen him I thought he was gorgeous. I needed to meet him. I did and he told me he was in recovery.. ugh..again for me? Really? So I figured recovery is better then actively using. Once we met we got along pretty good. Fast forward a month..he relapsed. His addiction is heroin. I didnt wanna give up on him but I know I cannot save him he needs to save himself. He has been actively using for the past 2 years of our relationship. Works hard to pay for drugs...I never ask for anything ever. He never ever asks me for money...totally different then my ex. But latley he has been distant and not wanting to see me like he used too. He says its not me hes in his own head. Idk why I cant grasp it. Whats changed? We've done the same routine for 2 years and I've loved him unconditionally...and we haven't seen each other in about a month but he says he wants too. Can drugs make u this way? Why was he ok for the 2 years and now being more distant? I feel like it's me? I'm sure its not but it def makes me feel less then. He basically has no emotion and its weird. Sorry im rambling I figured if I wrote it out it would make more sense to me but it does not. I know I cant be with him because I cant bring him into my childrens life unless he is sober. Im broken in so many ways yet I feel like im doing it to myself. Do I just let him go? Ignore him fully? He puts zero effort in. He uses and sleeps and works. Comes from a great family idk anymore. Just broken.
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Old 11-28-2020, 07:02 PM
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Hi Butterfly, I'm really sorry you got hurt, I know it's a terrible feeling. Just know you won't always feel this way - hang on to that. Should you leave him alone? Probably the wisest decision.

Two relationships, both with addicts. What is your background? Were either of your parents using drugs?

It just seems that you may have a huge capacity for dysfunction in your life? If so, perhaps that is something you could speak to a therapist about or perhaps some self help reading.

One book very often recommended here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It has a lot of information in it about boundaries and how to look out for yourself.

Why is he so distant? It's probably impossible to know really. He's a heroin addict, you can't really expect "normal" reactions or actions from him? Also, addiction is progressive, he doesn't use the same amount of heroin - forever. His reaction to it will not always be the same, the changes to his brain, continue. While you have been going about your normal routine for 2 years, he has been living the life of a drug addict, very far away from what you have experienced. He works hard - for drugs. I'm sure he always makes time - for drugs. Does he have friends that use as well? That is his world, that is the absolute main focus of his attention, anything or anyone else (including you) is secondary, at best.



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Old 11-28-2020, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi Butterfly, I'm really sorry you got hurt, I know it's a terrible feeling. Just know you won't always feel this way - hang on to that. Should you leave him alone? Probably the wisest decision.

Two relationships, both with addicts. What is your background? Were either of your parents using drugs?

It just seems that you may have a huge capacity for dysfunction in your life? If so, perhaps that is something you could speak to a therapist about or perhaps some self help reading.

One book very often recommended here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It has a lot of information in it about boundaries and how to look out for yourself.

Why is he so distant? It's probably impossible to know really. He's a heroin addict, you can't really expect "normal" reactions or actions from him? Also, addiction is progressive, he doesn't use the same amount of heroin - forever. His reaction to it will not always be the same, the changes to his brain, continue. While you have been going about your normal routine for 2 years, he has been living the life of a drug addict, very far away from what you have experienced. He works hard - for drugs. I'm sure he always makes time - for drugs. Does he have friends that use as well? That is his world, that is the absolute main focus of his attention, anything or anyone else (including you) is secondary, at best.
not sure how to submit a reply here hoping this works...my parents weren't addicts...I have never been around drugs...I dont drink...im 42 and never even been drunk. I can tell iam an enabler...I had started reading co dependant no more after the 1st addict and then stopped midway. Maybe I need to get back and start over. A lot of what u said makes sense.
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Old 11-28-2020, 08:29 PM
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I'm glad. Perhaps you just have a helping personality! There are lots of organizations that can use volunteers, maybe your helpful energy needs to be used somewhere? I really mean that. You are probably a very kind and compassionate person.

Enabling someone is not good for them, or for you, doesn't mean any part of his addiction is your "fault" he will use until he decides he doesn't want to anymore (if ever) and not a moment before.

I know I cant be with him because I cant bring him into my childrens life unless he is sober.
And I'm sure you have discussed this with him. So realistically, he's not getting sober and you can't ever actually move forward in this relationship. I don't know how old your children are but unless you are prepared to wait until they all leave home? It's always important to view a situation like this as it really is, not in a wishful way.

He is a drug addict, he is today and probably will be tomorrow (and a year from now). That is/was your romantic partner. Is that all you need or want in a relationship, someone who can make time for you when he isn't busy using or getting drugs. I don't know what his lifestyle is, how often do you see each other, have you ever known him sober (I suspect not). That's another thing, you have been dating the drugged version of him, you don't actually even know him as a sober person?

Some distance from him would probably be a really good thing for you, to clear your mind and really ponder whether this is good and good enough for you?

Regardless of his reasoning, it's truly not about you, it's about him and whatever he's thinking. That in no way makes you "less than".



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Old 11-28-2020, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I'm glad. Perhaps you just have a helping personality! There are lots of organizations that can use volunteers, maybe your helpful energy needs to be used somewhere? I really mean that. You are probably a very kind and compassionate person.

Enabling someone is not good for them, or for you, doesn't mean any part of his addiction is your "fault" he will use until he decides he doesn't want to anymore (if ever) and not a moment before.



And I'm sure you have discussed this with him. So realistically, he's not getting sober and you can't ever actually move forward in this relationship. I don't know how old your children are but unless you are prepared to wait until they all leave home? It's always important to view a situation like this as it really is, not in a wishful way.

He is a drug addict, he is today and probably will be tomorrow (and a year from now). That is/was your romantic partner. Is that all you need or want in a relationship, someone who can make time for you when he isn't busy using or getting drugs. I don't know what his lifestyle is, how often do you see each other, have you ever known him sober (I suspect not). That's another thing, you have been dating the drugged version of him, you don't actually even know him as a sober person?

Some distance from him would probably be a really good thing for you, to clear your mind and really ponder whether this is good and good enough for you?

Regardless of his reasoning, it's truly not about you, it's about him and whatever he's thinking. That in no way makes you "less than".
my babies are 8 aare14. They r my world. Hes also 10 years younger then me his parents are enablers so basically hes an addict who is a spoiled brat. As I write all these things it makes me see things a tad clearer. I always hate to let go of someone I care about I don't want them to move on from me. I feel like if they get sober ill have missed out and I tried so hard. Maybe its something I need to work on within me. I so appreciate you being here tonight. I didnt think anyone would answer
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Old 11-29-2020, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1313 View Post
my babies are 8 aare14. They r my world. Hes also 10 years younger then me his parents are enablers so basically hes an addict who is a spoiled brat. As I write all these things it makes me see things a tad clearer. I always hate to let go of someone I care about I don't want them to move on from me. I feel like if they get sober ill have missed out and I tried so hard. Maybe its something I need to work on within me. I so appreciate you being here tonight. I didnt think anyone would answer
Hi Butterfly,
Trail mix gave you some really excellent advice. I had a similar problem- I kept thinking that if my ex could stop using drugs all our problems would go away. Well, that may have been so. I'll never know, because he never stopped. He's even deeper in his addiction now. I can hardly recognize him. I'm glad I got out when I did.
Take care of yourself and your precious children.
Many blessings.
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Old 12-01-2020, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1313 View Post
my babies are 8 aare14. They r my world. Hes also 10 years younger then me his parents are enablers so basically hes an addict who is a spoiled brat. As I write all these things it makes me see things a tad clearer. I always hate to let go of someone I care about I don't want them to move on from me. I feel like if they get sober ill have missed out and I tried so hard. Maybe its something I need to work on within me. I so appreciate you being here tonight. I didnt think anyone would answer
I understand that, the truth of this is though that you two really can't even be friends now, he's distanced.

Since your children are so young, any chance of this relationship going anywhere anytime soon is really nil. Have you ever asked yourself, do you want to be dating someone that can't be around your children?

His parents being enabling and spoiling him is just icing on this particular cake. That's not going to change either.

What does he add to your life right now? Happiness, a feeling of contentment? Anything? You can't even enjoy being around your two favourite people in the world with him.

It can be very hard to let go of someone, you don't have to stop caring, but you can care from afar. Right now he is going through, whatever he is going through and it doesn't involve you. He would probably like to have some kind of "normal" life with a nice person, but that's not in the cards for him right now and maybe he realizes it. Addicts leave their wives/husbands/children, babies for their drug of choice. It's a very selfish thing.

I really hope you won't put your life on hold, waiting for him to get sober. He may, he may not, but you don't even know the real sober person he is anyway (he probably doesn't either).
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