very confused about wife's recovery
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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very confused about wife's recovery
My wife has a history where 8 years ago she almost died from alcohol (acute severe pancreatitis) .. she remained sober for almost 7 years after the hospital, but in the last year had a few bouts with alcohol.. once back in March, we were able to get her sober and she remained sober until about October when it got really bad, she was drinking wine and hiding the little empty bottles all over the house. Of course there is no hiding these things. She would even buy vanilla extract so she wouldn't smell like wine. That didn't take lone for me to catch on to.
Anyway a week ago I put her in a detox (having to pay out of pocket because of our crappy insurance) I was told it would be 5-7 days then she would be release to an IOP program, well as many know they can not call very much while they are in detox so I am basically in the dark on everything. My wife called me a day later telling me that she was feeling better and that she like the place and the people. Two days later she calls saying they want to keep her until Saturday so Saturday through Saturday. Okay not a problem. fast for ward to the Thanksgiving she facetimes me with one of the nurses and says how she is doing so well the nurse praising her etc.. At which time she tells me she is going to be discharged Monday instead of Saturday and is to go check in with the IOP center. Great now I am getting a little excited I finally get my wife home. So they told me they would call me Yesterday (Friday) to arrange a time for me to pick her up GREAT ! So I get no call all day , as I am leaving work at 5 pm my wife calls me saying she had a lot of anxiety and that they want to put her in an inpatient facility they found one that will work with our insurance. The person sitting with my wife who is setting all this up tells me there is no time limit on how long she stays there, but would probably be at least several weeks so probably after Christmas before she comes home, but I should be able to speak with her a little more than at detox and that she is going to be living in a sober house with 8 other women . They do at this point have visitation but may not for very long as COVID cases keep going up. So my wife's problem seems to be ANXIETY they didn't tell me anything my wife just keeps telling me her anxiety levels.. Is it common when recovering to have anxiety and how long does it usually last? Am I still going to be kept to a very very limited contact with my wife? Does it get any easier for me during this time . I mean I love my wife and will do anything for her to get her healthy again even putting my self in a big debt, but I just want her back a sober person .I just don't know what to expect it seems like they only deal with the addict and not the person or people in there family. Can anyone give me any insight on this on what to expect the next month or months ? Also when my wife almost died from drinking we were both very heavy drinkers. The night before she went into hospital was my last drink. I have been sober since over 7 years now and I gave up smoking cigs 6 years ago. I support her to the fullest she always says I don't know what it is like, but I do I was there , yes I may be different in the way that I was able to stay away from it , she got caught up with the office parties and happy hours with work, even if I went to an event like that I was able to say "no thanks" . I know everyone is different I am just confused on the whole process and missing my wife terribly , and don't understand the anxiety thing no one seems to explain these things to me
thanks
Simon
Anyway a week ago I put her in a detox (having to pay out of pocket because of our crappy insurance) I was told it would be 5-7 days then she would be release to an IOP program, well as many know they can not call very much while they are in detox so I am basically in the dark on everything. My wife called me a day later telling me that she was feeling better and that she like the place and the people. Two days later she calls saying they want to keep her until Saturday so Saturday through Saturday. Okay not a problem. fast for ward to the Thanksgiving she facetimes me with one of the nurses and says how she is doing so well the nurse praising her etc.. At which time she tells me she is going to be discharged Monday instead of Saturday and is to go check in with the IOP center. Great now I am getting a little excited I finally get my wife home. So they told me they would call me Yesterday (Friday) to arrange a time for me to pick her up GREAT ! So I get no call all day , as I am leaving work at 5 pm my wife calls me saying she had a lot of anxiety and that they want to put her in an inpatient facility they found one that will work with our insurance. The person sitting with my wife who is setting all this up tells me there is no time limit on how long she stays there, but would probably be at least several weeks so probably after Christmas before she comes home, but I should be able to speak with her a little more than at detox and that she is going to be living in a sober house with 8 other women . They do at this point have visitation but may not for very long as COVID cases keep going up. So my wife's problem seems to be ANXIETY they didn't tell me anything my wife just keeps telling me her anxiety levels.. Is it common when recovering to have anxiety and how long does it usually last? Am I still going to be kept to a very very limited contact with my wife? Does it get any easier for me during this time . I mean I love my wife and will do anything for her to get her healthy again even putting my self in a big debt, but I just want her back a sober person .I just don't know what to expect it seems like they only deal with the addict and not the person or people in there family. Can anyone give me any insight on this on what to expect the next month or months ? Also when my wife almost died from drinking we were both very heavy drinkers. The night before she went into hospital was my last drink. I have been sober since over 7 years now and I gave up smoking cigs 6 years ago. I support her to the fullest she always says I don't know what it is like, but I do I was there , yes I may be different in the way that I was able to stay away from it , she got caught up with the office parties and happy hours with work, even if I went to an event like that I was able to say "no thanks" . I know everyone is different I am just confused on the whole process and missing my wife terribly , and don't understand the anxiety thing no one seems to explain these things to me
thanks
Simon
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Simon. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I am very glad you found us.
Your wife is where she needs to be, surrounded by the people best equipped to help her in her recovery journey. Recovery can be a very selfish thing--she needs to devote everything she has to it if she is to succeed. The odds tend to be against addicts, so she needs to focus completely on figuring out how to spend the rest of her life without drinking.
I know it feels like you understand what it is to be addicted, but you must accept there is a vast gulf between being someone who drinks a lot and someone who feels like they cannot survive life without drinking. It is not the same thing at all. You were able to just stop, and have been able to say "no thanks," but for an addict that would be like saying no thanks to the next breath of air. You are very fortunate that you are not an addict. Your wife is not so fortunate, for whatever reason. Alcohol has been her main go-to for dealing with her anxiety and now she has to learn to live her life without it. The anxiety is not a result of recovery, but rather the drinking was a result of anxiety.
Do not underestimate how difficult it is for an addict to recover. I know you miss your wife, but she is where she needs to be, surrounded by people who know how to help her get better. In the meantime, educating yourself about the nature of addiction and its effects on loved ones and families might help you understand this process a little better and why all this is necessary.
Your wife is where she needs to be, surrounded by the people best equipped to help her in her recovery journey. Recovery can be a very selfish thing--she needs to devote everything she has to it if she is to succeed. The odds tend to be against addicts, so she needs to focus completely on figuring out how to spend the rest of her life without drinking.
I know it feels like you understand what it is to be addicted, but you must accept there is a vast gulf between being someone who drinks a lot and someone who feels like they cannot survive life without drinking. It is not the same thing at all. You were able to just stop, and have been able to say "no thanks," but for an addict that would be like saying no thanks to the next breath of air. You are very fortunate that you are not an addict. Your wife is not so fortunate, for whatever reason. Alcohol has been her main go-to for dealing with her anxiety and now she has to learn to live her life without it. The anxiety is not a result of recovery, but rather the drinking was a result of anxiety.
Do not underestimate how difficult it is for an addict to recover. I know you miss your wife, but she is where she needs to be, surrounded by people who know how to help her get better. In the meantime, educating yourself about the nature of addiction and its effects on loved ones and families might help you understand this process a little better and why all this is necessary.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The anxiety is not a result of recovery, but rather the drinking was a result of anxiety.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can say that anxiety increases 10 thousand-fold in early sobriety. It's a biological Central Nervous System response to the withdrawal of a sedating drug. It took me a good nine months for that alcohol-withdrawal-induced anxiety to settle down. I didn't start drinking because of anxiety, but alcohol is a very effective CNS sedative.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 3
thanks, I do know she is where she needs to be. I will do some more reading up on things seems like I spend most of my free time on google. I understand she is different I get that. I understand that the focus is on her so she can have a chance at a sober life. She herself has told me if she had just not had a drink at those functions she would of been fine. she did not miss the alcohol for those almost 7 years. She got in to her health in a big way got in great shape even ran half marathons. I know they are going to help her. As she learns to help herself
Thanks for your replay
simon
Thanks for your replay
simon
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I'm going to challenge this.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can say that anxiety increases 10 thousand-fold in early sobriety. It's a biological Central Nervous System response to the withdrawal of a sedating drug. It took me a good nine months for that alcohol-withdrawal-induced anxiety to settle down. I didn't start drinking because of anxiety, but alcohol is a very effective CNS sedative.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can say that anxiety increases 10 thousand-fold in early sobriety. It's a biological Central Nervous System response to the withdrawal of a sedating drug. It took me a good nine months for that alcohol-withdrawal-induced anxiety to settle down. I didn't start drinking because of anxiety, but alcohol is a very effective CNS sedative.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm going to challenge this.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can say that anxiety increases 10 thousand-fold in early sobriety. It's a biological Central Nervous System response to the withdrawal of a sedating drug. It took me a good nine months for that alcohol-withdrawal-induced anxiety to settle down. I didn't start drinking because of anxiety, but alcohol is a very effective CNS sedative.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can say that anxiety increases 10 thousand-fold in early sobriety. It's a biological Central Nervous System response to the withdrawal of a sedating drug. It took me a good nine months for that alcohol-withdrawal-induced anxiety to settle down. I didn't start drinking because of anxiety, but alcohol is a very effective CNS sedative.
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Location: The Beach
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I think both Sparkle and Bimini are right in what they said about the anxiety. Both are valid points.
People who become addicted to substances, almost always have an underlying emotional health or mental health issue. Some people also add spiritual health problem to that list. Anxiety is one of the top reasons people will drink to "calm their nerves" , depression being another top contender. I understand that this is what Sparklekitty was trying to relate.
When my AXH would white knuckle his sobriety his anxiety would be through the roof. The idea of living without his crutch caused him a lot of fear and he would be very anxious. I imagine there were also chemical things going on in his brain due to the lack of his coping substance that were causing this anxiety. I understand that this is what Biminiblue was saying.
I myself have suffered from anxiety. It is AWFUL. I never knew what kind of debilitating disorder anxiety REALLY was until I struggled with it myself. While I don't condone trying to drink it away, I very much understand why someone would be tempted to do so. It's very good your wife is around people who understand that and want to help her get past this, one of the most difficult parts of her recovery... learning to cope with crappy feelings, like feeling anxious, without turning to booze to quell that crappiness.
There was a time in my life I drank a great deal with my AXH too, I never became an alcoholic. Very codependent, yes, but not addicted to alcohol. I drank to have fun with him, he drank to mask the pain of the things that were wrong deep down in his soul. He still does. I'm sad for him that he never has wanted to dig into those things and combat the alcoholism that results from that pain. Be glad your wife is where she is, doing the hard work she needs to do so she can find her way back to her true self.
I know it's hard to watch some one you love so much go through this. I know you want to do everything you can to help your wife, but really all you can do is love her while she figures out how to do this on her own.
I hope you continue to hang out with us here at SRF&F, everyone here knows what it feels like to love someone with an addiction. The support here is invaluable.
People who become addicted to substances, almost always have an underlying emotional health or mental health issue. Some people also add spiritual health problem to that list. Anxiety is one of the top reasons people will drink to "calm their nerves" , depression being another top contender. I understand that this is what Sparklekitty was trying to relate.
When my AXH would white knuckle his sobriety his anxiety would be through the roof. The idea of living without his crutch caused him a lot of fear and he would be very anxious. I imagine there were also chemical things going on in his brain due to the lack of his coping substance that were causing this anxiety. I understand that this is what Biminiblue was saying.
I myself have suffered from anxiety. It is AWFUL. I never knew what kind of debilitating disorder anxiety REALLY was until I struggled with it myself. While I don't condone trying to drink it away, I very much understand why someone would be tempted to do so. It's very good your wife is around people who understand that and want to help her get past this, one of the most difficult parts of her recovery... learning to cope with crappy feelings, like feeling anxious, without turning to booze to quell that crappiness.
There was a time in my life I drank a great deal with my AXH too, I never became an alcoholic. Very codependent, yes, but not addicted to alcohol. I drank to have fun with him, he drank to mask the pain of the things that were wrong deep down in his soul. He still does. I'm sad for him that he never has wanted to dig into those things and combat the alcoholism that results from that pain. Be glad your wife is where she is, doing the hard work she needs to do so she can find her way back to her true self.
I know it's hard to watch some one you love so much go through this. I know you want to do everything you can to help your wife, but really all you can do is love her while she figures out how to do this on her own.
I hope you continue to hang out with us here at SRF&F, everyone here knows what it feels like to love someone with an addiction. The support here is invaluable.
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Anticharge------You aren't confused----you just lack knowledge about alcoholism. That is fixable---lol. You will just have to study and learn.
Also, I propose that you have your own anxiety and frustration going on, also----understandably.
One basic fact----your wife is the main patient and the main concern of the facilities that are treating her. Not you---it will never be that you are the focus. Right or wrong---that is just the reality---even in facilities that invite some family participation. This means that you may have to be proactive if you want more information than is offered. Of course, your wife will have to sign papers to give legal permission for the staff to communicate details with you. You may have to request that you and her case manager and your wife have telephone or zoom conferences, together---if all are in agreement to do this. Also, your wife should be communicating directly to yiu whatever she wants you to know---and, you have every right to ask her, also. It will be her decision what to tell you.
****I would give her space, during her first couple of weeks---as she will be busy just getting acclimated. Realistically--- she will probably be centered on her self and not you, so much. This is par for the course.
Another point----I am sure that you might, naturally, be harboring some resentments---due to your wife's drinking and behaviors. She is an alcoholic---that is how it goes. That she has developed an addiction and you didn't doesn't give you any superiority over her. Thus, you might as well stoop making comparisons. Alcoholics, typically, harbor deep shame and feel the judgements of others---so, it only makes it worse if someone "rubs it in". Something to keep in mind.
I have a few suggestions for your consideration:
While your wife is in rehab----take in some AA meetings yourself. Yes, you are allowed to go to certain meetings as an observer. These meetings are listed as "Open" meetings---or "Speaker" meetings.
This will give you a tangible feeling for what the early recovering alcoholic experiences. (you don't have to speak at these meetings).
Also, you can go the the forums, on this SR website for the recovering alcoholics and read what they are posting. It gives a view from the other side.
I don't know if you have read the book "Co-deopendent No More"....if you haven't----I suggest that you read it---as it is the most recommended book on this site. I think that a lot of it will resonate with you.
Did you know that we have a huge library of articles on the efffects of alcoholism on the family and the loved ones?
These articles are located within the stickies---just above the Regular Threads. There are more than 100 of them. Enough for you to read and digest, every day....for a long time--;lol.
I am going to give you a following link, for yoir convenience. These articles will begin your education. Knowledge is power.
Classic Reading - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (Classic Reading)
There is another library of excellent articles, for you.
If you scroll to the very bottom of the Main Website---yiou will fin a forum called ARCHIVES. under it is "The Best of Sober Recovery"....
Great articles!
Her is a link for your convenience.
The Best of SoberRecovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Also, I propose that you have your own anxiety and frustration going on, also----understandably.
One basic fact----your wife is the main patient and the main concern of the facilities that are treating her. Not you---it will never be that you are the focus. Right or wrong---that is just the reality---even in facilities that invite some family participation. This means that you may have to be proactive if you want more information than is offered. Of course, your wife will have to sign papers to give legal permission for the staff to communicate details with you. You may have to request that you and her case manager and your wife have telephone or zoom conferences, together---if all are in agreement to do this. Also, your wife should be communicating directly to yiu whatever she wants you to know---and, you have every right to ask her, also. It will be her decision what to tell you.
****I would give her space, during her first couple of weeks---as she will be busy just getting acclimated. Realistically--- she will probably be centered on her self and not you, so much. This is par for the course.
Another point----I am sure that you might, naturally, be harboring some resentments---due to your wife's drinking and behaviors. She is an alcoholic---that is how it goes. That she has developed an addiction and you didn't doesn't give you any superiority over her. Thus, you might as well stoop making comparisons. Alcoholics, typically, harbor deep shame and feel the judgements of others---so, it only makes it worse if someone "rubs it in". Something to keep in mind.
I have a few suggestions for your consideration:
While your wife is in rehab----take in some AA meetings yourself. Yes, you are allowed to go to certain meetings as an observer. These meetings are listed as "Open" meetings---or "Speaker" meetings.
This will give you a tangible feeling for what the early recovering alcoholic experiences. (you don't have to speak at these meetings).
Also, you can go the the forums, on this SR website for the recovering alcoholics and read what they are posting. It gives a view from the other side.
I don't know if you have read the book "Co-deopendent No More"....if you haven't----I suggest that you read it---as it is the most recommended book on this site. I think that a lot of it will resonate with you.
Did you know that we have a huge library of articles on the efffects of alcoholism on the family and the loved ones?
These articles are located within the stickies---just above the Regular Threads. There are more than 100 of them. Enough for you to read and digest, every day....for a long time--;lol.
I am going to give you a following link, for yoir convenience. These articles will begin your education. Knowledge is power.
Classic Reading - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (Classic Reading)
There is another library of excellent articles, for you.
If you scroll to the very bottom of the Main Website---yiou will fin a forum called ARCHIVES. under it is "The Best of Sober Recovery"....
Great articles!
Her is a link for your convenience.
The Best of SoberRecovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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