Detachment versus (and?) Compassion
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Detachment versus (and?) Compassion
Hello all,
I haven't been at this (e.g., Al-Anon, following this amazing Friends and Family Forum here on SR, etc.) for very long. Just since October. I have tried to learn to detach from my AXBF with love and have successfully done that, externally speaking. Meaning, my actions demonstrate that I have detached with love. For me, detachment with love means that I had to basically go no contact because I simply could not move on and always got sucked back in with any other approach. I do forgive him (because the anger and resentment will kill me if I do not). I do know that his behavior is a result of the disease of alcoholism and that I can't control that. On the inside, my heart is still breaking.
I ran across this article today and it is all about how compassion towards the alcoholic is the key to helping an alcoholic (and, to some extent, the friends and family members of an alcoholic). Of course, after reading it, it made me think that my current plan of action (detachment with love which, for me, basically means no contact) is wrong. Maybe I should have been more compassionate, more supportive, less angry, like the article says? But I tried that and ... nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. And the more I tried, the more my heart broke ... to the point where I was crying all day every day at work and even at home. I was a total mess and nothing I could do could fix how I felt.
Maybe this article is written more for people who are still living with their alcoholic? Rather than people like me who were just dating them but not living with them and had to stop dating them? Or maybe it was written for people unlike me who could be compassionate without getting sucked back in and without having it (the behavior that accompanies heavy drinking) affect them so deeply, like it does me?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...cted-loved-one
I haven't been at this (e.g., Al-Anon, following this amazing Friends and Family Forum here on SR, etc.) for very long. Just since October. I have tried to learn to detach from my AXBF with love and have successfully done that, externally speaking. Meaning, my actions demonstrate that I have detached with love. For me, detachment with love means that I had to basically go no contact because I simply could not move on and always got sucked back in with any other approach. I do forgive him (because the anger and resentment will kill me if I do not). I do know that his behavior is a result of the disease of alcoholism and that I can't control that. On the inside, my heart is still breaking.
I ran across this article today and it is all about how compassion towards the alcoholic is the key to helping an alcoholic (and, to some extent, the friends and family members of an alcoholic). Of course, after reading it, it made me think that my current plan of action (detachment with love which, for me, basically means no contact) is wrong. Maybe I should have been more compassionate, more supportive, less angry, like the article says? But I tried that and ... nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. And the more I tried, the more my heart broke ... to the point where I was crying all day every day at work and even at home. I was a total mess and nothing I could do could fix how I felt.
Maybe this article is written more for people who are still living with their alcoholic? Rather than people like me who were just dating them but not living with them and had to stop dating them? Or maybe it was written for people unlike me who could be compassionate without getting sucked back in and without having it (the behavior that accompanies heavy drinking) affect them so deeply, like it does me?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...cted-loved-one
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Like many other articles of its kind, this one centers the alcoholic and not the loved ones. That doesn’t make the theory wrong; it just personally puts me off. My entire childhood revolved around managing the feelings of an alcoholic, entirely at the expense of her family, entirely at each of their individual senses of self. It was enormously damaging, and this article reads as if those who don’t hang in there and give it all they got are insensitive failures who just didn’t try hard enough.
It’s okay if you have compassion for yourself first before you focus on having compassion for anyone else.
It’s okay if you have compassion for yourself first before you focus on having compassion for anyone else.
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Well, I can only speak from my experience and my experience is nothing like this. I'm not lacking compassion, in fact I do have compassion for all alcoholics who are suffering and I wish them well. I also know that my impact on that is close to nil. Again, this is my experience only and not to say that programs like CRAFT don't work, I'm sure they work for some.
You wrote in your original post:
So I believe you were showing compassion there? He hasn't spoken to you, so what are your options?
Some programs talk about knowing what triggers the person, discussing their pain with them and to let them know you are listening, again, it sounds great in print, but I think that perhaps that's not the reality many times.
I don't know but I see alcoholism as a mental challenge (as well as a physical addiction), like depression or anxiety etc. I believe they can all be treated effectively (for most) but I don't think I'm qualified to do that!
If you were married to them I suppose a person who sees the alcoholic every day could work on approaching them, however it almost comes across as manipulative to me.
And you absolutely must look after yourself, I believe.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
You wrote in your original post:
I recently, gently and lovingly, confronted my significant other about his drinking (which I later learned was leading to black outs as many as four-to-five times a week)
He responded by saying that "judging him with labels when I don't have any facts is not a friend-like thing to do" and that I'm "not any type of friend." (We were so much more friends.). He hasn't spoken to me since.
He responded by saying that "judging him with labels when I don't have any facts is not a friend-like thing to do" and that I'm "not any type of friend." (We were so much more friends.). He hasn't spoken to me since.
Some programs talk about knowing what triggers the person, discussing their pain with them and to let them know you are listening, again, it sounds great in print, but I think that perhaps that's not the reality many times.
I don't know but I see alcoholism as a mental challenge (as well as a physical addiction), like depression or anxiety etc. I believe they can all be treated effectively (for most) but I don't think I'm qualified to do that!
If you were married to them I suppose a person who sees the alcoholic every day could work on approaching them, however it almost comes across as manipulative to me.
And you absolutely must look after yourself, I believe.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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Trailmix, very helpful. It's funny that you mention the manipulative part because I thought that too?
SparkleKitty, yes. And yes. The alcoholic is definitely centered in that article. I am overly sensitive and perseverance is my middle name -- but I felt too like the article was saying I'm not sensitive enough and not trying hard enough? But I have. I tried as hard as anyone could. But it didn't do any good.
SparkleKitty, yes. And yes. The alcoholic is definitely centered in that article. I am overly sensitive and perseverance is my middle name -- but I felt too like the article was saying I'm not sensitive enough and not trying hard enough? But I have. I tried as hard as anyone could. But it didn't do any good.
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Hi OKRunner,
You picked up a pretty vital point in the article...someone on a different forum once suggested I read the Getting Them Sober Books by Toby Rice Drews. Don't be fooled by the name; the book is written for the family, significant others. When I am struggling hard, I can turn to the short chapters and I feel heard. The author is nothing short of insightful. I even tracked her down, she still does telephone counselling and I had a dozen sessions with her. She is an older woman now, and so very knowledgable from her own personal and professional experience. Given where you are, i would recommend to start with the 4th volume (on separation). Hope you are fairing ok.
You picked up a pretty vital point in the article...someone on a different forum once suggested I read the Getting Them Sober Books by Toby Rice Drews. Don't be fooled by the name; the book is written for the family, significant others. When I am struggling hard, I can turn to the short chapters and I feel heard. The author is nothing short of insightful. I even tracked her down, she still does telephone counselling and I had a dozen sessions with her. She is an older woman now, and so very knowledgable from her own personal and professional experience. Given where you are, i would recommend to start with the 4th volume (on separation). Hope you are fairing ok.
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I was raised by an active alcoholic and have sponsored several men along the way during my sobriety. The unspoken question, I think, is what limit is there to what I should do to help someone I love/loved get sober, especially if their actions make it clear that isn't a priority for them.
Compassion is a key element to helping someone in active addiction, but that is not to say that everyone is equally able to help the person in question. My experience has taught me that when I find myself more vested in someone's sobriety than they are, my efforts rarely bring the outcome I hoped for. We are all influenced by the relationships and history we unconsciously bring with us when we try to help the alcoholic or addict, which sometimes lead us to respond in pavlovian fashion to the alcoholics dance despite our best intentions and efforts. This is why most sponsors are essentially strangers to their sponsee when they begin working together - the relationship is arms length and unburdened by history. If the sponsee wants sobriety, they will work for it. If they choose not to work for it, the relationship withers as it no longer has a reason to exist.
At this point, and perhaps forever, the best you can do is to take care of your own sanity and serenity, and to the extent possible do no harm to the active alcoholic. Sometimes even "no harm" can't be managed, such as when children are involved. You do not owe the alcoholic compassion if doing so harms others in the process, including yourself. If the day comes that you are able to help with compassion without being sucked into the emotional maelstrom, you'll know it. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
Compassion is a key element to helping someone in active addiction, but that is not to say that everyone is equally able to help the person in question. My experience has taught me that when I find myself more vested in someone's sobriety than they are, my efforts rarely bring the outcome I hoped for. We are all influenced by the relationships and history we unconsciously bring with us when we try to help the alcoholic or addict, which sometimes lead us to respond in pavlovian fashion to the alcoholics dance despite our best intentions and efforts. This is why most sponsors are essentially strangers to their sponsee when they begin working together - the relationship is arms length and unburdened by history. If the sponsee wants sobriety, they will work for it. If they choose not to work for it, the relationship withers as it no longer has a reason to exist.
At this point, and perhaps forever, the best you can do is to take care of your own sanity and serenity, and to the extent possible do no harm to the active alcoholic. Sometimes even "no harm" can't be managed, such as when children are involved. You do not owe the alcoholic compassion if doing so harms others in the process, including yourself. If the day comes that you are able to help with compassion without being sucked into the emotional maelstrom, you'll know it. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
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WoodlandLost, thanks so much for the book recommendation, I'm going to get it on my kindle today.
Eddiebuckle, that's very helpful. Yes, I was invested more in his sobriety than he was, for sure. And, yes, I can definitely manage "no harm" -- that's easy b/c our situation is quite simple. We weren't married, we didn't live together, we did not have children. It's been made a tad more difficult lately in the last week or so because he's started texting me when he is drunk and I literally have to turn my phone off or put it on the charger in another room so I don't respond. The texts are usually on the "Why are you mad at me" theme (but with a ton of typos and late at night, so I know he's drunk). That's what I mean when I say I went no contact, I just haven't been responding to his recent slew of drunken texts or even the occasional text sent during the day that is spelled correctly and at an hour when he probably is not drunk. (I read somewhere else they're called "drexts"? That made me giggle.)
Anyway, I am unable (yet) to help with compassion without being sucked into the emotional maelstrom. Some day the case may be different but I'm still healing.
Thank you all.
Eddiebuckle, that's very helpful. Yes, I was invested more in his sobriety than he was, for sure. And, yes, I can definitely manage "no harm" -- that's easy b/c our situation is quite simple. We weren't married, we didn't live together, we did not have children. It's been made a tad more difficult lately in the last week or so because he's started texting me when he is drunk and I literally have to turn my phone off or put it on the charger in another room so I don't respond. The texts are usually on the "Why are you mad at me" theme (but with a ton of typos and late at night, so I know he's drunk). That's what I mean when I say I went no contact, I just haven't been responding to his recent slew of drunken texts or even the occasional text sent during the day that is spelled correctly and at an hour when he probably is not drunk. (I read somewhere else they're called "drexts"? That made me giggle.)
Anyway, I am unable (yet) to help with compassion without being sucked into the emotional maelstrom. Some day the case may be different but I'm still healing.
Thank you all.
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Originally Posted by OKRunner 
Anyway, I am unable (yet) to help with compassion without being sucked into the emotional maelstrom. Some day the case may be different but I'm still healing.
.
Compassion is something I find myself developing as I continue in my recovery as someone who was formed in a codependent family. Compassion is a result of my recovery, of my healing, it's not something that I can strive for. The more whole and healthy I become, the more compassion I develop for all people, alcoholics included. The compassion I experience is for my improved experience of life, not for anyone else to use in his recovery.
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I'd add that Psychology Today isn't perhaps the best source for co-alcoholic recovery. I've found it best to stick to codependent-specific resources, especially in the beginning. Melody Beattie, Al-Anon literature, etc. JMO.
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FallenAnglina, very helpful, thank you so much. I feel more compassionate toward others and toward myself since starting this process only a month-plus ago and I hope I become even more compassionate. I really, really liked Melody Beattie's ideas. They've been so helpful to me. My favorite book is actually that of Jeannette Elisabeth Menter ("You're Not Crazy - You're Codependent"). I come from a non-drinking family so I initially struggled with why I feel and behave so codependently (I'm a textbook case -- I could be the poster child for codependency) and Menter identifies many other family dynamics that can lead to codependency. I've re-read this book twice since my first read, I learn something new every time. You are so right, though. I think the compassion literature is perhaps written without the co-dependent in mind? Using the airplane/oxygen mask analogy, I am going to figure out how to get my mask on first before I start being affirmatively compassionate to my AXBF. I will get there, for sure, but my mask is still not secure.
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