A dream and a dilemma
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
A dream and a dilemma
Hi,
I need to write to you on two fronts. One part is about a dream and the second part is a dilemma about what to do with Ex mother in law:
The dream: I found myself in this type of hospital, or institutional environment. EXRAW was there too. Apparently where she was working. In this place there were prisoners and patients. Apparently what I discovered was that the sick (terminally ill) patients would switch places with the prisoners (if they looked a similar) and they would allow the prisoners to go free. The patients would stay and die in prison/hospital, seemingly serving the time so that the prisoners could go free. I remember in my dream, frantically trying to figure out what was going on. EXRAW was being so vague and I was so frustrated. She had a lab coat on, so I assumed she was part of the operation. I remember trying to touch her, but she had nothing of it. The last scene which I remember, when I discovered what the place was doing, was that I saw EX move behind one of those hospital curtains, and I did not follow her behind the curtain, where when she went behind the curtain she disappeared. This dream is causing me a lot of curiosity and it disturbed me too. I am wracking my brain about what kind of message it was trying to tell me.
The mother-in-law. I sent EX mother in law an email last week, simply saying that, "I think you should start looking for a new place to live. Looks like we will be selling the house and when it goes up it will sell quick. I am sorry to have to say this to you by text." That is what I wrote. She has been in Guatemalla for the past 10 months and is coming back mid december. She texted me today and I don't even want to look at it. I am scared to!! What the heck is wrong with me? I told my EXRAW last week I was going to send that text to her mom and her response to me was, "how could I do that, and oh I bet it makes you feel like a BIG man to do that!!" She has lived in our home for 12 years, rent, utility free. And I am the bad guy? I just don't want my EX MIL to be living with me, especially during a time when I have to sell my home of the last 16 years. This is brutal.
Help!!
I need to write to you on two fronts. One part is about a dream and the second part is a dilemma about what to do with Ex mother in law:
The dream: I found myself in this type of hospital, or institutional environment. EXRAW was there too. Apparently where she was working. In this place there were prisoners and patients. Apparently what I discovered was that the sick (terminally ill) patients would switch places with the prisoners (if they looked a similar) and they would allow the prisoners to go free. The patients would stay and die in prison/hospital, seemingly serving the time so that the prisoners could go free. I remember in my dream, frantically trying to figure out what was going on. EXRAW was being so vague and I was so frustrated. She had a lab coat on, so I assumed she was part of the operation. I remember trying to touch her, but she had nothing of it. The last scene which I remember, when I discovered what the place was doing, was that I saw EX move behind one of those hospital curtains, and I did not follow her behind the curtain, where when she went behind the curtain she disappeared. This dream is causing me a lot of curiosity and it disturbed me too. I am wracking my brain about what kind of message it was trying to tell me.
The mother-in-law. I sent EX mother in law an email last week, simply saying that, "I think you should start looking for a new place to live. Looks like we will be selling the house and when it goes up it will sell quick. I am sorry to have to say this to you by text." That is what I wrote. She has been in Guatemalla for the past 10 months and is coming back mid december. She texted me today and I don't even want to look at it. I am scared to!! What the heck is wrong with me? I told my EXRAW last week I was going to send that text to her mom and her response to me was, "how could I do that, and oh I bet it makes you feel like a BIG man to do that!!" She has lived in our home for 12 years, rent, utility free. And I am the bad guy? I just don't want my EX MIL to be living with me, especially during a time when I have to sell my home of the last 16 years. This is brutal.
Help!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey, WLL.
So, sometimes dreams are just dreams, riled up mental energy working through your emotional landscape while your body is at rest. They don't all mean anything. In fact, I think most of them don't.
As for your mother-in-law, you are not the bad guy here. This is something that happens when couples divorce. You don't owe your X-MIL a rent-free place to live. Your ex knows this is a consequence of her actions and would rather you feel bad about it so she doesn't. That being said, they get to respond however they are going to respond to it, and they get to feel however they are going to feel about it. Those things have nothing to do with you, how you are "supposed" to feel, and what you should do.
So, sometimes dreams are just dreams, riled up mental energy working through your emotional landscape while your body is at rest. They don't all mean anything. In fact, I think most of them don't.
As for your mother-in-law, you are not the bad guy here. This is something that happens when couples divorce. You don't owe your X-MIL a rent-free place to live. Your ex knows this is a consequence of her actions and would rather you feel bad about it so she doesn't. That being said, they get to respond however they are going to respond to it, and they get to feel however they are going to feel about it. Those things have nothing to do with you, how you are "supposed" to feel, and what you should do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wll-------I consider dreams to be random electrical firings of the brain during sleep. I sometimes have the most bizarre dreams---quite complex and detailed, also. I don't assign any meaning to them, at all.
I think it would ;be; far; ;kinder to yourself if you try to lower the bar on your expectations for being in harmonious agreement with your wife a s you proceed through the necessary actions required in divorce. I wouldn't matter if you were a Saint----you will still be the bad guy.
She has a need to lay blame----and, I guarantee, that it won't be herself.
Build yourself an emotionally protective "fort". Surround it with a moat filled with hungry alligators.
My first husband never forgave me for divorcing him. Not to this day. Even though he remarried years before me! I haven't seen or spoken to him for many, many years....but, even in the berginning when he laid on the blame
,,,,,,it didn't feel good, but I fully and totally expected it. I knew that was how he operated.
In fact, I looked upon his nastiness as the "price" that I had to pay as I went through the divorce---in order to gain the freedom to have happiness in my future life.
Looking back, it was the only choice that I had.
Over the years, I just let any of his quacking slide off me,like water off a duck's back.
I think it would ;be; far; ;kinder to yourself if you try to lower the bar on your expectations for being in harmonious agreement with your wife a s you proceed through the necessary actions required in divorce. I wouldn't matter if you were a Saint----you will still be the bad guy.
She has a need to lay blame----and, I guarantee, that it won't be herself.
Build yourself an emotionally protective "fort". Surround it with a moat filled with hungry alligators.
My first husband never forgave me for divorcing him. Not to this day. Even though he remarried years before me! I haven't seen or spoken to him for many, many years....but, even in the berginning when he laid on the blame
,,,,,,it didn't feel good, but I fully and totally expected it. I knew that was how he operated.
In fact, I looked upon his nastiness as the "price" that I had to pay as I went through the divorce---in order to gain the freedom to have happiness in my future life.
Looking back, it was the only choice that I had.
Over the years, I just let any of his quacking slide off me,like water off a duck's back.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
With dreams, I sometimes have no idea what it was about or why - and I think that is probably because they were meaningless. Some are obvious to me and most times just show me something that is already bothering me, usually in the form of what I would call a nightmare.
How I read your dream, for what it's worth, is that your EXraw in that scenario is the puppet master.
As for the house, I agree with everyone else, you have no obligation to house your stb exmil - well certainly not now and probably never, but it was a nice thing you two did for her.
In what world do you get to be the bearer of these bad tidings and not her Daughter? As has been said, you just get to be the fall guy and kudos to you for stepping up and sending her that text message which had to be sent. I understand the fear at not wanting to look at the reply, but you never know, she might be quite ok with it. Steel yourself, read the reply and then just walk away from your phone and promise yourself 10 minutes to deal with the fall out (if there is any).
You have made your decision (boundary) so even if she would like to negotiate, you already know you are not prepared to do that.
You are doing great.
How I read your dream, for what it's worth, is that your EXraw in that scenario is the puppet master.
As for the house, I agree with everyone else, you have no obligation to house your stb exmil - well certainly not now and probably never, but it was a nice thing you two did for her.
In what world do you get to be the bearer of these bad tidings and not her Daughter? As has been said, you just get to be the fall guy and kudos to you for stepping up and sending her that text message which had to be sent. I understand the fear at not wanting to look at the reply, but you never know, she might be quite ok with it. Steel yourself, read the reply and then just walk away from your phone and promise yourself 10 minutes to deal with the fall out (if there is any).
You have made your decision (boundary) so even if she would like to negotiate, you already know you are not prepared to do that.
You are doing great.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I think the general consensus is that dreams don't mean much of anything. That doesn't make yours any less disturbing, and I didn't have it, just read what you posted.
I only had to give someone notice to move out once, ever. I gave him written notice mid-November to be out at the end of January. Telling someone overseas due back in the middle of the holiday season the way you did just sounded peculiar. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just think a definite timeline: "We're selling the house, and it will be listed by February 1st, 2021" would have assured her she'd have 45 days to find an apartment. Of course, via the internet, she can start looking now, can't she?
I'm a little puzzled. She hasn't lived in the home for 10 months, 11 by the time she gets back. She sounds plenty resourceful when it comes to finding a place to live.
I only had to give someone notice to move out once, ever. I gave him written notice mid-November to be out at the end of January. Telling someone overseas due back in the middle of the holiday season the way you did just sounded peculiar. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just think a definite timeline: "We're selling the house, and it will be listed by February 1st, 2021" would have assured her she'd have 45 days to find an apartment. Of course, via the internet, she can start looking now, can't she?
I'm a little puzzled. She hasn't lived in the home for 10 months, 11 by the time she gets back. She sounds plenty resourceful when it comes to finding a place to live.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
I could be completely wrong about this, but it seems to me that your dream was your subconscious mind trying to get you to let go of your exRAW. It seems the terminally ill patients represent your terminally ill marriage with your exRAW. Your brain was trying to tell you to leave that terminally ill relationship behind in jail and let that real you finally be free. You've been a prisoner all of these years and you can finally be free if you leave the relationship behind. You couldn't touch your wife in your dream because your mind was desperately trying to tell you to let her go.
In terms of your ex MIL, ugh. I wouldn't want to live with my MIL right in the middle of a divorce either, so I completely understand. It's the codependent in you that is making you question yourself. Your MIL is a grown woman and an adult. You are not responsible for her. The only person you are responsible for is yourself and your child. Focus on that and everything will be much clearer. HUGS! I know it's hard but you'll get through it and it won't always feel this way.
In terms of your ex MIL, ugh. I wouldn't want to live with my MIL right in the middle of a divorce either, so I completely understand. It's the codependent in you that is making you question yourself. Your MIL is a grown woman and an adult. You are not responsible for her. The only person you are responsible for is yourself and your child. Focus on that and everything will be much clearer. HUGS! I know it's hard but you'll get through it and it won't always feel this way.
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