Struggling to make it stick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 1
Struggling to make it stick
Hi all,
this is my first post on any sort of forum like this. I had my first drink when I was 11. And I’ve been somewhat of a problem drinker ever since. I didn’t realize it was a problem until about 4 years ago, when I tried to stop and I failed. Over and over. I have read several books about sobriety, my favorite being We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen. Every time I read one of those books I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough and that I absolutely will conquer my issues with drinking. And I do for a few days. And I feel great! Optimistic, healthy, at peace. But then something always happens where I just decide to have a drink for some reason. And from there it just always leads to binge drinking 3-4 nights in a row until I feel super sleep-deprived and full of self-loathing and anxiety.
I think that I’ve figured out that I always convince myself it’s not urgent yet. Perhaps it never will be. I’m 38, a single mom with 3 amazing young kids, one with autism. I have a successful career and somehow balance remote learning and IEPs and a full time career and cooking and cleaning and everything else, and I manage to function. Although sometimes I wake up (usually 3am) terrified that I have liver cancer, or that I have some other alcohol-induced serious illness that may be terminal. And that my 3 kids will end up without a mom.
Does anyone Out there have any tips on how to internalize a sense of urgency?? You’d think that waking up with those fears would be enough but so far I can’t seem to make it stick. I’m so sick of having “day ones” but I can’t seem to fully convince myself that I need to completely quit because I can’t moderate. Maybe just posting this will help. Idk. Looking for any sort of things/quotes/realizations that you can share that may help something stick.
Thank you and stay healthy and safe 🙏🏻
this is my first post on any sort of forum like this. I had my first drink when I was 11. And I’ve been somewhat of a problem drinker ever since. I didn’t realize it was a problem until about 4 years ago, when I tried to stop and I failed. Over and over. I have read several books about sobriety, my favorite being We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen. Every time I read one of those books I feel like I’ve had a breakthrough and that I absolutely will conquer my issues with drinking. And I do for a few days. And I feel great! Optimistic, healthy, at peace. But then something always happens where I just decide to have a drink for some reason. And from there it just always leads to binge drinking 3-4 nights in a row until I feel super sleep-deprived and full of self-loathing and anxiety.
I think that I’ve figured out that I always convince myself it’s not urgent yet. Perhaps it never will be. I’m 38, a single mom with 3 amazing young kids, one with autism. I have a successful career and somehow balance remote learning and IEPs and a full time career and cooking and cleaning and everything else, and I manage to function. Although sometimes I wake up (usually 3am) terrified that I have liver cancer, or that I have some other alcohol-induced serious illness that may be terminal. And that my 3 kids will end up without a mom.
Does anyone Out there have any tips on how to internalize a sense of urgency?? You’d think that waking up with those fears would be enough but so far I can’t seem to make it stick. I’m so sick of having “day ones” but I can’t seem to fully convince myself that I need to completely quit because I can’t moderate. Maybe just posting this will help. Idk. Looking for any sort of things/quotes/realizations that you can share that may help something stick.
Thank you and stay healthy and safe 🙏🏻
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
The best two pieces of advice I ever got were: You must want to be sober more than you want to drink. And second, I was advised to start practicing gratitude every day. I still heed that advice. Both of those are solid advice. And being grateful can help with motivation to stay sober. 
Here's a good article about gratitude and the rewards it gives us.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
The best two pieces of advice I ever got were: You must want to be sober more than you want to drink. And second, I was advised to start practicing gratitude every day. I still heed that advice. Both of those are solid advice. And being grateful can help with motivation to stay sober. Here's a good article about gratitude and the rewards it gives us. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi snaremare
yeah for 15 years or so I would swear off booze on a Monday and be back drinking again by Wednesday at the the latest.
Support really helps.
Its a lot harder to justify drinking again when you can read your own or other peoples stories in black and white,
posting and reading here every day helped me remember, and accept ,I had a problem that would not go away until I stopped drinking completely.
Welcome aboard!
D
yeah for 15 years or so I would swear off booze on a Monday and be back drinking again by Wednesday at the the latest.
Support really helps.
Its a lot harder to justify drinking again when you can read your own or other peoples stories in black and white,
posting and reading here every day helped me remember, and accept ,I had a problem that would not go away until I stopped drinking completely.
Welcome aboard!
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Hi Snaremare, one tip that I found on SR that has helped me especially when I have cravings/urges is to think about 2 things negative about drinking and 2 things positive about being sober. So I find myself saying I’ll feel ashamed and sick if I have a drink. I’ll wake up proud and will remember my night if I stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Welcome Snare. I hope you find lots of support here and can put together a plan that works for you.
Most people can't do it on their own and need support from others. Some do AA. Others just use this site and post often here.
Most people can't do it on their own and need support from others. Some do AA. Others just use this site and post often here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi SnareMare,
I guess some of us have the sense of urgency thrust upon us by circumstance, some get to that place after years of trying to ignore the reality that our choice to drink has long been anything but, and others ride that delusion to the grave. Regardless of your circumstances, if you truly want to stop drinking but find you just can't do it, no book or sense of urgency is going to solve the problem. If all we needed was to make a heartfelt decision, get some clarity, or some other epiphany - we wouldn't be here.
I cannot speak for your status, but when I came to the jumping off place I resisted and resented the term alcoholic. I had a good job, a nice house, never got a DUI nor lost a job over my drinking. But I could not deny the way that I drank was unhealthy, and that I was unable to stop. In truth, when faced with the prospect of never drinking again, I wasn't sure I wanted to live if my life couldn't have alcohol in it. So I chose to go to rehab, and after that I reluctantly went to a therapist and became involved in AA. I was told that I needed to work my recovery harder than I worked my addiction that preceded it. Me - I drank every day... so I went to meetings every day. I don't mean to imply that my way is the only way to get sober... I know that's not the case. But I do believe that those of us fortunate enough to have gotten and stayed sober for an extended period of time did so consciously, actively, perhaps even obsessively. But that's what it takes, because I am still an alcoholic no matter how many sunrises have come and gone since my last drink.
That acceptance - that I am an alcoholic, and I am as vulnerable today to this disease as I was in 2009, is the foundation of my recovery. The sense of urgency I suppose comes from the knowledge that all the good that has come my way since I got sober will be gone in short order if I pick up that next drink.
I wish you all the best this life has to offer.
I guess some of us have the sense of urgency thrust upon us by circumstance, some get to that place after years of trying to ignore the reality that our choice to drink has long been anything but, and others ride that delusion to the grave. Regardless of your circumstances, if you truly want to stop drinking but find you just can't do it, no book or sense of urgency is going to solve the problem. If all we needed was to make a heartfelt decision, get some clarity, or some other epiphany - we wouldn't be here.
I cannot speak for your status, but when I came to the jumping off place I resisted and resented the term alcoholic. I had a good job, a nice house, never got a DUI nor lost a job over my drinking. But I could not deny the way that I drank was unhealthy, and that I was unable to stop. In truth, when faced with the prospect of never drinking again, I wasn't sure I wanted to live if my life couldn't have alcohol in it. So I chose to go to rehab, and after that I reluctantly went to a therapist and became involved in AA. I was told that I needed to work my recovery harder than I worked my addiction that preceded it. Me - I drank every day... so I went to meetings every day. I don't mean to imply that my way is the only way to get sober... I know that's not the case. But I do believe that those of us fortunate enough to have gotten and stayed sober for an extended period of time did so consciously, actively, perhaps even obsessively. But that's what it takes, because I am still an alcoholic no matter how many sunrises have come and gone since my last drink.
That acceptance - that I am an alcoholic, and I am as vulnerable today to this disease as I was in 2009, is the foundation of my recovery. The sense of urgency I suppose comes from the knowledge that all the good that has come my way since I got sober will be gone in short order if I pick up that next drink.
I wish you all the best this life has to offer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
a desire to quit does seem to be essential, and that does not necessarily depend on urgency.
the “oh it’s not really bad enough” plateau is a place i hung out for a long time, except for those 3 am times and maybe a day or two , though maybe not even that.
i finally had my turnaround not because of a sense of urgency but because i understood in my innermost self that my relationship with alcohol would never be normal, would never be different. when i knew that without a doubt, it’s like i could stop trying to make it so. something like that.
after that, i added actions to cement in the new sobriety. daily stuff: reading, a weekly meeting, participation on a forum, connecting with others.
the “oh it’s not really bad enough” plateau is a place i hung out for a long time, except for those 3 am times and maybe a day or two , though maybe not even that.
i finally had my turnaround not because of a sense of urgency but because i understood in my innermost self that my relationship with alcohol would never be normal, would never be different. when i knew that without a doubt, it’s like i could stop trying to make it so. something like that.
after that, i added actions to cement in the new sobriety. daily stuff: reading, a weekly meeting, participation on a forum, connecting with others.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
What are you getting out of drinking that is positive? From reading your post, it doesn't sound like much if anything. For me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not drinking. Absolutely nothing. I can't make the same claim about my drinking.
The fact that it was extremely hard to quit doing something that did nothing positive for me, let me know that it obviously was indeed a problem. It no longer is and I am free. Free from sleep-deprivation, self-loathing, anxiety, and fear of liver cancer or some other alcohol-induced serious illness that may be terminal.
No regrets about stopping for me, only rewards. Rewards like peace, serenity, and being comfortable in my own skin. Just being me. Yeah it was a smart move!
The fact that it was extremely hard to quit doing something that did nothing positive for me, let me know that it obviously was indeed a problem. It no longer is and I am free. Free from sleep-deprivation, self-loathing, anxiety, and fear of liver cancer or some other alcohol-induced serious illness that may be terminal.
No regrets about stopping for me, only rewards. Rewards like peace, serenity, and being comfortable in my own skin. Just being me. Yeah it was a smart move!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Welcome to SR
It helped me to realize just how insane I would have looked if it was another type of addictive behavior, let's use "touching hot stoves"
Now imagine you worked with someone who came into work Monday with their hand in a bandage.
"What happened ?"
I touched a red hot stove"
"Oh that was silly, you won't do that again right ?"
" Oh no way, lesson learnt"
Friday morning ...
"Is that a fresh bandage on your other hand ?"
"Yes"
"What happened this time ?"
" I touched the stove again"
"Oh uummm okay"
"Yeah it was weird, like my hand just shot out almost involuntary"
A week goes by
More fresh bandage
"Did you touch that stove AGAIN ?"
" Yes"
"Are you okay, I mean seriously, what is up ? Do you need some help with this?"
" Nah I'm okay, it's not that bad, just a few bandages, bit of burn cream, nothing serious"
Another week goes by
This time it's foot in bandage
"Is that from the stove again?"
"Yeah, there's no room left on my hands, and I just couldn't help myself"
By this time you would be seriously questioning whether your coworker who seems otherwise normal was actually sane and probably thinking about escalating the situation or reporting it to a mental health professional.
Yet us drinkers go years in a similar pattern of self harm, hiding it, minimising it, justifying it, too afraid to get help with it, convinced that we have to do the job ourselves because it would be too shameful to ask for outside help.
It's your choice, but I know I wouldn't have 6+ years of sobriety if I hadn't reached out.
It's amazing how much help is out there and how non judgemental it all is.
Alcohol has caused problems since it was first around, there is record of it dating back to the ancient Greeks. Its nothing new and nothing to be ashamed about.
It helped me to realize just how insane I would have looked if it was another type of addictive behavior, let's use "touching hot stoves"
Now imagine you worked with someone who came into work Monday with their hand in a bandage.
"What happened ?"
I touched a red hot stove"
"Oh that was silly, you won't do that again right ?"
" Oh no way, lesson learnt"
Friday morning ...
"Is that a fresh bandage on your other hand ?"
"Yes"
"What happened this time ?"
" I touched the stove again"
"Oh uummm okay"
"Yeah it was weird, like my hand just shot out almost involuntary"
A week goes by
More fresh bandage
"Did you touch that stove AGAIN ?"
" Yes"
"Are you okay, I mean seriously, what is up ? Do you need some help with this?"
" Nah I'm okay, it's not that bad, just a few bandages, bit of burn cream, nothing serious"
Another week goes by
This time it's foot in bandage
"Is that from the stove again?"
"Yeah, there's no room left on my hands, and I just couldn't help myself"
By this time you would be seriously questioning whether your coworker who seems otherwise normal was actually sane and probably thinking about escalating the situation or reporting it to a mental health professional.
Yet us drinkers go years in a similar pattern of self harm, hiding it, minimising it, justifying it, too afraid to get help with it, convinced that we have to do the job ourselves because it would be too shameful to ask for outside help.
It's your choice, but I know I wouldn't have 6+ years of sobriety if I hadn't reached out.
It's amazing how much help is out there and how non judgemental it all is.
Alcohol has caused problems since it was first around, there is record of it dating back to the ancient Greeks. Its nothing new and nothing to be ashamed about.
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