Decided against sobriety
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Decided against sobriety
My husband who had finally accept the fact he is an alcoholic and threw himself into AA had since decided he not ready to be completely sober but “agreed” to only drink with me. I tried everything to convince him otherwise but of course it didn’t work. He just informed me that he is intoxicated at a friends house and can’t drive home. I’m devastated and angry but I feel like anger isn’t going to help him in this situation, any advice from you wonderful people would be greatly appreciated...
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Slauz-----the fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink moderately---the way that n on alcoholics can. Will, typically. attempt moderation, over and over...and, over. Of course, it doesn't work, because an alcoholic cannot drink, again, ever. One drink can bring the disease roaring to the forefront, again---and, usually, worse than before---because alcoholism is progressive, and gets worse, over time.
He does seem to display that he has not completely accepted that he has to remain abstinent. Actually, I have seen many an alcoholic admit, very openly to being alcoholic....yet, have no desire to get into recovery.
Getting into recovery requires diligently working a program as their very first priority, above all else. Half measures won't do it.
You can want it with all your heart and soul---but, he has to be willing to put in the time and work and commitment
You are right, that your anger will not do any thing about the alcoholism. One way or the other. His drinking is not really about you. It is about what is within himself. Your husband has, I believe, 4 other dual diagnoses, in addition to the addiction to the alcohol---which may be a way of medicating the other conditions, also. In any case, he certainly has a complicated challenge to his mental health.
Requiring, as you know, a commitment and adherence to his psychiatric care as well as working a strong and diligent program.
All your anger would do, in my opiinion, is give you a release valve for your immediate feelings---but, will not do more than that, in the big picture. Oh---it could give him a good excuse to see you as the "enemy"----whcih every alcoholic sees any person or thing who comes between them and their ability to drink freely. .
I suggest that you continue to work on detaching yourself and establishing your own protective boundaries. Get and use all of the support that you can get for yourself and consider the long term welfare of yourself and your child. I know how disappointed that you are---and, that you have sooo much hope for the Norman Rockwell family future with him---but, around here, we have the saying---"Hope is not a plan". You have to be clear about the realities, as well..
He does seem to display that he has not completely accepted that he has to remain abstinent. Actually, I have seen many an alcoholic admit, very openly to being alcoholic....yet, have no desire to get into recovery.
Getting into recovery requires diligently working a program as their very first priority, above all else. Half measures won't do it.
You can want it with all your heart and soul---but, he has to be willing to put in the time and work and commitment
You are right, that your anger will not do any thing about the alcoholism. One way or the other. His drinking is not really about you. It is about what is within himself. Your husband has, I believe, 4 other dual diagnoses, in addition to the addiction to the alcohol---which may be a way of medicating the other conditions, also. In any case, he certainly has a complicated challenge to his mental health.
Requiring, as you know, a commitment and adherence to his psychiatric care as well as working a strong and diligent program.
All your anger would do, in my opiinion, is give you a release valve for your immediate feelings---but, will not do more than that, in the big picture. Oh---it could give him a good excuse to see you as the "enemy"----whcih every alcoholic sees any person or thing who comes between them and their ability to drink freely. .
I suggest that you continue to work on detaching yourself and establishing your own protective boundaries. Get and use all of the support that you can get for yourself and consider the long term welfare of yourself and your child. I know how disappointed that you are---and, that you have sooo much hope for the Norman Rockwell family future with him---but, around here, we have the saying---"Hope is not a plan". You have to be clear about the realities, as well..
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Slauz-----the fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink moderately---the way that n on alcoholics can. Will, typically. attempt moderation, over and over...and, over. Of course, it doesn't work, because an alcoholic cannot drink, again, ever. One drink can bring the disease roaring to the forefront, again---and, usually, worse than before---because alcoholism is progressive, and gets worse, over time.
He does seem to display that he has not completely accepted that he has to remain abstinent. Actually, I have seen many an alcoholic admit, very openly to being alcoholic....yet, have no desire to get into recovery.
Getting into recovery requires diligently working a program as their very first priority, above all else. Half measures won't do it.
You can want it with all your heart and soul---but, he has to be willing to put in the time and work and commitment
You are right, that your anger will not do any thing about the alcoholism. One way or the other. His drinking is not really about you. It is about what is within himself. Your husband has, I believe, 4 other dual diagnoses, in addition to the addiction to the alcohol---which may be a way of medicating the other conditions, also. In any case, he certainly has a complicated challenge to his mental health.
Requiring, as you know, a commitment and adherence to his psychiatric care as well as working a strong and diligent program.
All your anger would do, in my opiinion, is give you a release valve for your immediate feelings---but, will not do more than that, in the big picture. Oh---it could give him a good excuse to see you as the "enemy"----whcih every alcoholic sees any person or thing who comes between them and their ability to drink freely. .
I suggest that you continue to work on detaching yourself and establishing your own protective boundaries. Get and use all of the support that you can get for yourself and consider the long term welfare of yourself and your child. I know how disappointed that you are---and, that you have sooo much hope for the Norman Rockwell family future with him---but, around here, we have the saying---"Hope is not a plan". You have to be clear about the realities, as well..
He does seem to display that he has not completely accepted that he has to remain abstinent. Actually, I have seen many an alcoholic admit, very openly to being alcoholic....yet, have no desire to get into recovery.
Getting into recovery requires diligently working a program as their very first priority, above all else. Half measures won't do it.
You can want it with all your heart and soul---but, he has to be willing to put in the time and work and commitment
You are right, that your anger will not do any thing about the alcoholism. One way or the other. His drinking is not really about you. It is about what is within himself. Your husband has, I believe, 4 other dual diagnoses, in addition to the addiction to the alcohol---which may be a way of medicating the other conditions, also. In any case, he certainly has a complicated challenge to his mental health.
Requiring, as you know, a commitment and adherence to his psychiatric care as well as working a strong and diligent program.
All your anger would do, in my opiinion, is give you a release valve for your immediate feelings---but, will not do more than that, in the big picture. Oh---it could give him a good excuse to see you as the "enemy"----whcih every alcoholic sees any person or thing who comes between them and their ability to drink freely. .
I suggest that you continue to work on detaching yourself and establishing your own protective boundaries. Get and use all of the support that you can get for yourself and consider the long term welfare of yourself and your child. I know how disappointed that you are---and, that you have sooo much hope for the Norman Rockwell family future with him---but, around here, we have the saying---"Hope is not a plan". You have to be clear about the realities, as well..
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Slauz
I really wish I could just make him see the “light” per say
He probably had an "epiphany" when he spoke out loud the words - I am an alcoholic, but as the whatever - shock, relief, clarity - of that wore off, he came to the realization that he still wants to drink.
You really do need as much support as you can get for yourself as well, please post as often as you feel you want to.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Slauz, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand exactly how you feel. I was married for long time to a man who admitted he was an alcoholic and would periodically attempt sobriety, just to throw it all out the window all over again. It was an awful cycle for both of us. The broken promises and lies lead to such distrust that it broke our marriage beyond repair. I also heard things like, "I will only have a couple and only at home"... just to have him get wasted somewhere else and then drive home (his drunk driving was another anxiety inducer for me). This behavior brought on so many negative feelings....fury, fear, fatigue, just to name a few. I do believe my ex husband meant it when he would initially say he was going to get help, that he wanted to stop drinking.. only to find out, time and time again, that it is HARD work to actually get to the bottom of what caused the alcoholism in the first place. He wasn't willing to put in that work, it was easier to try and drown that pain in a bottle of vodka, so that is what he continues to do. The big difference , for me, is that I am no longer along for that ride.
I would highly suggest you read, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read that will really resonate with you, as well as teach you some things about detaching and boundaries. Whether you decide to leave or stay it would be valuable knowledge for you. It was a real life saver for me.
Please remember, as much as his decision to pour booze down his gullet does affect you, it isn't ABOUT you and it isn't directed AT you. He is drinking because that is what alcoholics do. He can't just "love" you enough to stop drinking. I was hung up on that for a long time. It wasn't about a lack of love on either of our parts... alcoholism has nothing to do with love. We can't love them better. We can't fill that broken space inside them with our own love, they have to learn to do that all on their own.
I know how painful all this stuff is. I hope you are reaching out to all your available sources of support. Keep hanging out here with us, we get it. *hugs*
I would highly suggest you read, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read that will really resonate with you, as well as teach you some things about detaching and boundaries. Whether you decide to leave or stay it would be valuable knowledge for you. It was a real life saver for me.
Please remember, as much as his decision to pour booze down his gullet does affect you, it isn't ABOUT you and it isn't directed AT you. He is drinking because that is what alcoholics do. He can't just "love" you enough to stop drinking. I was hung up on that for a long time. It wasn't about a lack of love on either of our parts... alcoholism has nothing to do with love. We can't love them better. We can't fill that broken space inside them with our own love, they have to learn to do that all on their own.
I know how painful all this stuff is. I hope you are reaching out to all your available sources of support. Keep hanging out here with us, we get it. *hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Slauz, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand exactly how you feel. I was married for long time to a man who admitted he was an alcoholic and would periodically attempt sobriety, just to throw it all out the window all over again. It was an awful cycle for both of us. The broken promises and lies lead to such distrust that it broke our marriage beyond repair. I also heard things like, "I will only have a couple and only at home"... just to have him get wasted somewhere else and then drive home (his drunk driving was another anxiety inducer for me). This behavior brought on so many negative feelings....fury, fear, fatigue, just to name a few. I do believe my ex husband meant it when he would initially say he was going to get help, that he wanted to stop drinking.. only to find out, time and time again, that it is HARD work to actually get to the bottom of what caused the alcoholism in the first place. He wasn't willing to put in that work, it was easier to try and drown that pain in a bottle of vodka, so that is what he continues to do. The big difference , for me, is that I am no longer along for that ride.
I would highly suggest you read, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read that will really resonate with you, as well as teach you some things about detaching and boundaries. Whether you decide to leave or stay it would be valuable knowledge for you. It was a real life saver for me.
Please remember, as much as his decision to pour booze down his gullet does affect you, it isn't ABOUT you and it isn't directed AT you. He is drinking because that is what alcoholics do. He can't just "love" you enough to stop drinking. I was hung up on that for a long time. It wasn't about a lack of love on either of our parts... alcoholism has nothing to do with love. We can't love them better. We can't fill that broken space inside them with our own love, they have to learn to do that all on their own.
I know how painful all this stuff is. I hope you are reaching out to all your available sources of support. Keep hanging out here with us, we get it. *hugs*
I would highly suggest you read, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read that will really resonate with you, as well as teach you some things about detaching and boundaries. Whether you decide to leave or stay it would be valuable knowledge for you. It was a real life saver for me.
Please remember, as much as his decision to pour booze down his gullet does affect you, it isn't ABOUT you and it isn't directed AT you. He is drinking because that is what alcoholics do. He can't just "love" you enough to stop drinking. I was hung up on that for a long time. It wasn't about a lack of love on either of our parts... alcoholism has nothing to do with love. We can't love them better. We can't fill that broken space inside them with our own love, they have to learn to do that all on their own.
I know how painful all this stuff is. I hope you are reaching out to all your available sources of support. Keep hanging out here with us, we get it. *hugs*
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I am glad you don't live under the fear of physical violence, I was lucky in that regard as well. My ex husband is not an evil man either, he has some wonderful qualities as a human being...but he is sick with alcoholism and the underlying issues that caused it...and that creates some really unpleasant aspects to his personality and behavior.
Like you said, the mental and emotional toll can be crushing. I developed a severe anxiety disorder during the last couple years of living with my AXH. It was a truly horrific way to exist. My kids were 16 and 20 when we finally went our separate ways, I wish I hadn't waited so long. Although my children never witnessed violence in the home, and rarely did they ever see us argue... they absolutely did witness their parents behave in some very dysfunctional ways towards each other. Alcoholism and codependence are not greatest tools in the parenting shed. Gosh we set some bad examples and that is having ripple effects today for my 20-something children in their own personal lives.
I am glad you are making plans to set in motion some changes for yourself, and your son.
Like you said, the mental and emotional toll can be crushing. I developed a severe anxiety disorder during the last couple years of living with my AXH. It was a truly horrific way to exist. My kids were 16 and 20 when we finally went our separate ways, I wish I hadn't waited so long. Although my children never witnessed violence in the home, and rarely did they ever see us argue... they absolutely did witness their parents behave in some very dysfunctional ways towards each other. Alcoholism and codependence are not greatest tools in the parenting shed. Gosh we set some bad examples and that is having ripple effects today for my 20-something children in their own personal lives.
I am glad you are making plans to set in motion some changes for yourself, and your son.
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