Pot, meet kettle
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
While it sounds kind of out in left field to us, to him, that's his truth. Now, you and the kids, of course, may feel it's owed to him - but to him you are emotionally abusive, you and the kids.
If he were capable of figuring out his part in all this, there wouldn't be this issue.
If he were capable of figuring out his part in all this, there wouldn't be this issue.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
At some point, we all have to decide if it is more important to be “right,” or to be at peace.
There is nothing you can do to change him or how he chooses to see the world, but there are things you can do to change your circumstances.
There is nothing you can do to change him or how he chooses to see the world, but there are things you can do to change your circumstances.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
And more!
I’m also an “emotional abuser”. Why, you ask? Because
—I have called him on his abusive behavior
and
—His nastiness makes me want to avoid him. My “withdrawal during a pandemic” is “abusive”
and yes, I’ve looked into escape.
—I have called him on his abusive behavior
and
—His nastiness makes me want to avoid him. My “withdrawal during a pandemic” is “abusive”
and yes, I’ve looked into escape.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was also horribly abusive to my ex. It's surprising he survived. My personal favorite was his story of how I beat him with a hammer and he fell down the basement steps and was in a coma- the fall of course had nothing to do with him being slobbering drunk.
It took me quite some time to understand that none of his accusations really mattered. Whether he believed them or not. It was just another way to keep me stuck, afraid and feeling the need to defend myself. He was never going to do any introspection. I had a huge investment in him finally understanding how much damage his drinking caused; he had an equally huge investment in denying that. It became an endless loop of blame and recrimination on both sides.
I was the one who finally had to step away and work on regaining my sanity. Everything he did and said totally worked for him. He got to drink and generally do as he pleased while everyone else was caught up in arguing about his ridiculous accusations. Looking back, most of the nonsense he spewed was for that purpose, not because he actually believed any of it or wanted to change the relationship dynamics.
It took me quite some time to understand that none of his accusations really mattered. Whether he believed them or not. It was just another way to keep me stuck, afraid and feeling the need to defend myself. He was never going to do any introspection. I had a huge investment in him finally understanding how much damage his drinking caused; he had an equally huge investment in denying that. It became an endless loop of blame and recrimination on both sides.
I was the one who finally had to step away and work on regaining my sanity. Everything he did and said totally worked for him. He got to drink and generally do as he pleased while everyone else was caught up in arguing about his ridiculous accusations. Looking back, most of the nonsense he spewed was for that purpose, not because he actually believed any of it or wanted to change the relationship dynamics.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
I was also horribly abusive to my ex. It's surprising he survived. My personal favorite was his story of how I beat him with a hammer and he fell down the basement steps and was in a coma- the fall of course had nothing to do with him being slobbering drunk.
It took me quite some time to understand that none of his accusations really mattered. Whether he believed them or not. It was just another way to keep me stuck, afraid and feeling the need to defend myself. He was never going to do any introspection. I had a huge investment in him finally understanding how much damage his drinking caused; he had an equally huge investment in denying that. It became an endless loop of blame and recrimination on both sides.
I was the one who finally had to step away and work on regaining my sanity. Everything he did and said totally worked for him. He got to drink and generally do as he pleased while everyone else was caught up in arguing about his ridiculous accusations. Looking back, most of the nonsense he spewed was for that purpose, not because he actually believed any of it or wanted to change the relationship dynamics.
It took me quite some time to understand that none of his accusations really mattered. Whether he believed them or not. It was just another way to keep me stuck, afraid and feeling the need to defend myself. He was never going to do any introspection. I had a huge investment in him finally understanding how much damage his drinking caused; he had an equally huge investment in denying that. It became an endless loop of blame and recrimination on both sides.
I was the one who finally had to step away and work on regaining my sanity. Everything he did and said totally worked for him. He got to drink and generally do as he pleased while everyone else was caught up in arguing about his ridiculous accusations. Looking back, most of the nonsense he spewed was for that purpose, not because he actually believed any of it or wanted to change the relationship dynamics.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by pizza67
Wow that is really well-said. I am contacting people and working up courage. How did you finally get yourself to get out?
I had to let go of a whole lot, and accept that others were allowed to have their own perspectives. I wasn't going to get the 100% "approval rating" from others that would somehow validate my decision. I also learned that I didn't need anyone's approval but my own.
I set aside the fears that my ex would deliberately incite with his ominous (and often contradictory) statements about what he would do if I left. I also accepted that there was not one ideal outcome to the situation. My ex put a huge amount of effort into nonsensical character assassination efforts (such as the "hammer time" anecdote, which he literally told under oath in our custody trial). If he had put half as much energy into sobriety and recovery he might have a 7 year chip by now. Ex had no desire to actually show up and parent. That's way too much effort. I kept a journal which included the actual parental "heavy lifting" that ex wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. That's what the court cares about.
The less he saw he could get under my skin with stupidity, the less he bothered us. There was no payoff for him. I, on the other hand, discovered that not interacting with him freed up a massive amount of energy that I had been wasting. It truly lightened my spirit to have that back.
Short answer: SR, Al Anon, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, time
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Long Answer:
I had to let go of a whole lot, and accept that others were allowed to have their own perspectives. I wasn't going to get the 100% "approval rating" from others that would somehow validate my decision. I also learned that I didn't need anyone's approval but my own.
Short answer: SR, Al Anon, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, time
I had to let go of a whole lot, and accept that others were allowed to have their own perspectives. I wasn't going to get the 100% "approval rating" from others that would somehow validate my decision. I also learned that I didn't need anyone's approval but my own.
Short answer: SR, Al Anon, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, time
I am probably year and a half out from when I just stopped giving a $&@*% what my AXH thought. After I left there were several months where I was so mad and I just couldn’t listen to him make digs about how unfair everything was and how I was ruining his life by having custody of our kid. I would respond and I would sometimes yell and try to argue back in a way he’d “lose” or be at least painted into a corner by facts so he’d back off. And it’s unbelievably hard but once you really in your gut realize it doesn’t matter what they say, even if they believe it, you are free of their insanity to a large extent. When you stop trying to win (win the fight, win them over, land a punch, make them hear you) they lose so much power over you. As with many things, when you stop trying to win is when you really succeed in taking back your own power.
With kids involved it’s not quite as simple since you can’t fully disengage much of the time, but leaving them to their own reality really is it’s own reward.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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I am so, so sorry. I was called this exact same thing this weekend: a narcissist, an alcoholic, cold, unempathetic. By my husband, too. I'm so sorry. You are not. YOU ARE NOT. This is projection. Their alcoholic brains are the ones spewing it at us. I wish I could tell you how to feel better, but I can't. Because I don't. But I do know it's not our fault. It's not.
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Originally Posted by ellalock
I am so, so sorry. I was called this exact same thing this weekend: a narcissist, an alcoholic, cold, unempathetic. By my husband, too. I'm so sorry. You are not. YOU ARE NOT. This is projection. Their alcoholic brains are the ones spewing it at us. I wish I could tell you how to feel better, but I can't. Because I don't. But I do know it's not our fault. It's not.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by BitingTheBullet
Ah yes...I’ve been told for years I am abusive. He turned 62 and now there is a title too....elder abuse.
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