Fed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Fed up
Hey guys!
I posted a little while ago about my boyfriend for a little over a year relapsing on heroin. I caught him broke up with him and watched him downward spiral until I was able to get his family on board with an intervention and getting him help. He admitted to using and agreed to go away. He ended up in a rehab across the country for a month and has been in sober living for the past month there. I tried to lay off contact with him because I wanted him to work on himself and take accountability for his actions. I really had high hopes but I knew that it would be a lot of work and I have been trying my best to pick of pieces that he left behind. Ive been living my life, getting therapy, working, seeing old friends, revamping my life and doing alright without him. Some days were harder then others but I knew i had to get strong for when he does get home. I knew that i have to have my own life in place for when he gets home and wants to try to come back in. I knew that when he came home I had to tell him that I cant just forgive you for the past 3 months and that he would have to prove himself.
fast forward to the weekend since ive had him blocked for the past month he tried to reach out to me a few times but I didnt reply. I needed time but this weekend he tried to get in touch with me on every app, emails, phone calls, stating that he loves me, misses me so much, thinks about me everyday, and how he is doing really well getting the help he needs. He stated how he was coming home soon and really wanted to see me. After a lot of thinking and worrying i was weak.... i gave in. I just wanted to know how he was and just wanted to know what his plans were and just wanted to see how he was and if he really is going to do the right thing. But of course i was disappointed.
I spoke with him and I wasnt being all happy for him I told him that he had a lot to work on coming home and to not just expect us to go back to the way it was. He was getting mad and annoyed at me because I wasnt acceptint him with open arms. He was telling me that I need to forget the past and move on already. That he is better now and he got the help he needed and that we can now be together. That things can just be so easy it I wasnt so high strung and miserable. That he wants to prove to me all these things but im not letting him. That im miserable and toxic and just want to bring him down because all i am is focused on the past and not the present.
like im not trying to be toxic or miserable however he doesnt seem a bit remorseful or trying his hardest to get me back at allllll. Just because I didnt give in to his ******** i deserve to get yelled out? Talked down too? As it i didnt help him out of a dark hole and get his family
on board to safe his life!!!' Like he is still in sober living and still yelling at me that im wrong. That im horrible. Still displacing blame on me! Still saying that as long as I dont make him miserable hell be fine! That i need to relax and come down and stop taking life so seriously !! Like is he kidding me??? Ive been alone for months picking up the pieces that he left behind!!!!!! And ive been working breaking my ass even thou ive been hurt depressed and betrayed but ive been trying my hardest to get by! And then instead of saying how he is going to continue his treatment and go to meetings and work on himself and do the thints he neeeds for himself to get better and become an actual adult man he just thinks we can just start back up as if these 3 months didnt happen????
like what did he even learn???!
nothing.
So if that conversation wasnt bad enough which I should have just blocked him and ended it from there......
He was supposed to go live with his dad for a little while while he gets it all together ( he is almost 30 years old and has an apartment but he didnt want to be all alone since I wont stay with him there since he was using there I told him I wouldnt go there)....
He was supposed to come home today but he just found out that his dad has covid so he cant to there. So his dad told him that he will get him a plane ticket to florida to go live with his cousin for a few weeks while his dad recovers( he lives in new york but is in arizona right now in sober living)
so he called me last night to tell me that hes going to go to florida today to hang out with his cousin and relax on a beach and that i should meet him there !!!!!! That we both deserve a nice vacation and wouldnt it be perfect to fix our relationship on a beach!!!!!! That it would be great. And how this will fix everything!!!!!
i obviously told him no that we cant just run away from reality and pretend that these 3
months didnt happen by vacationing and partying it up in florida. I told him that he shouldnt go there either because he should be focusing on his recovery not leaving a sober hose and going on a vacaation! He said hes been through a lot and deserves a vacation and I should be happy that he asked me to come!!! That hes obviously trying to fix things yet again and that I wont let him!!! That going to florida together would be the first step and that we can talk on a beach all relaxed!!
like is this kid delusional??????
im just at lost for words.
I told him that going on a vacation is not going to help your recovery process or help you deal with alll the **** u need to deal with and take accountabilty for!!!!!
he said that i take everything too serious and that he will be having fun in the sun without me and that im miserable and toxic for him and i could be enjoying a nice florida vacation with him but instead I have to make everything difficult when it could be so easy!! It i just listen to him and let him take control for once!!'
im too controlling and crazy!!!
like sorry for calling you out to own your ****. Sorry for thinking u would come home and try to make amends and fix your life!!!! But no lets keep running away from actual reality and live life with no responsility or consequences to your actions!!!!&
im so fed up!!!!!!
I FEEL CRAZY! He makes me crazy!!!!! Hes delusional!!! But im wrong! Im nuts!!im insane, toxic and miserable because I want him to grow up and be a man. Instead lets party it up and forget about life. Forget about everything he put me through! Like how could this even be real????? How could someone be that delusional!!!!!!! And alll he says is how much he loves me and misss me and that im the one who is ruining this by not giving in and letting go!!! Like....... am i the crazy one? Am i delusional???? Like i live in the real word idk what fairytale he is living in but its just not fair and it makes me feel like so stupid for every thinking he was actually going to grow up. Then the other part of me is like is right? Maybe we all should live with clear heads expecting everyone to just take on our problems!!!!! Likee how could someone live a life so reckless without a care in the world. Its insane!!!!!!
anyway sorry guys a much much much needed vent!!!!!!!!!
I posted a little while ago about my boyfriend for a little over a year relapsing on heroin. I caught him broke up with him and watched him downward spiral until I was able to get his family on board with an intervention and getting him help. He admitted to using and agreed to go away. He ended up in a rehab across the country for a month and has been in sober living for the past month there. I tried to lay off contact with him because I wanted him to work on himself and take accountability for his actions. I really had high hopes but I knew that it would be a lot of work and I have been trying my best to pick of pieces that he left behind. Ive been living my life, getting therapy, working, seeing old friends, revamping my life and doing alright without him. Some days were harder then others but I knew i had to get strong for when he does get home. I knew that i have to have my own life in place for when he gets home and wants to try to come back in. I knew that when he came home I had to tell him that I cant just forgive you for the past 3 months and that he would have to prove himself.
fast forward to the weekend since ive had him blocked for the past month he tried to reach out to me a few times but I didnt reply. I needed time but this weekend he tried to get in touch with me on every app, emails, phone calls, stating that he loves me, misses me so much, thinks about me everyday, and how he is doing really well getting the help he needs. He stated how he was coming home soon and really wanted to see me. After a lot of thinking and worrying i was weak.... i gave in. I just wanted to know how he was and just wanted to know what his plans were and just wanted to see how he was and if he really is going to do the right thing. But of course i was disappointed.
I spoke with him and I wasnt being all happy for him I told him that he had a lot to work on coming home and to not just expect us to go back to the way it was. He was getting mad and annoyed at me because I wasnt acceptint him with open arms. He was telling me that I need to forget the past and move on already. That he is better now and he got the help he needed and that we can now be together. That things can just be so easy it I wasnt so high strung and miserable. That he wants to prove to me all these things but im not letting him. That im miserable and toxic and just want to bring him down because all i am is focused on the past and not the present.
like im not trying to be toxic or miserable however he doesnt seem a bit remorseful or trying his hardest to get me back at allllll. Just because I didnt give in to his ******** i deserve to get yelled out? Talked down too? As it i didnt help him out of a dark hole and get his family
on board to safe his life!!!' Like he is still in sober living and still yelling at me that im wrong. That im horrible. Still displacing blame on me! Still saying that as long as I dont make him miserable hell be fine! That i need to relax and come down and stop taking life so seriously !! Like is he kidding me??? Ive been alone for months picking up the pieces that he left behind!!!!!! And ive been working breaking my ass even thou ive been hurt depressed and betrayed but ive been trying my hardest to get by! And then instead of saying how he is going to continue his treatment and go to meetings and work on himself and do the thints he neeeds for himself to get better and become an actual adult man he just thinks we can just start back up as if these 3 months didnt happen????
like what did he even learn???!
nothing.
So if that conversation wasnt bad enough which I should have just blocked him and ended it from there......
He was supposed to go live with his dad for a little while while he gets it all together ( he is almost 30 years old and has an apartment but he didnt want to be all alone since I wont stay with him there since he was using there I told him I wouldnt go there)....
He was supposed to come home today but he just found out that his dad has covid so he cant to there. So his dad told him that he will get him a plane ticket to florida to go live with his cousin for a few weeks while his dad recovers( he lives in new york but is in arizona right now in sober living)
so he called me last night to tell me that hes going to go to florida today to hang out with his cousin and relax on a beach and that i should meet him there !!!!!! That we both deserve a nice vacation and wouldnt it be perfect to fix our relationship on a beach!!!!!! That it would be great. And how this will fix everything!!!!!
i obviously told him no that we cant just run away from reality and pretend that these 3
months didnt happen by vacationing and partying it up in florida. I told him that he shouldnt go there either because he should be focusing on his recovery not leaving a sober hose and going on a vacaation! He said hes been through a lot and deserves a vacation and I should be happy that he asked me to come!!! That hes obviously trying to fix things yet again and that I wont let him!!! That going to florida together would be the first step and that we can talk on a beach all relaxed!!
like is this kid delusional??????
im just at lost for words.
I told him that going on a vacation is not going to help your recovery process or help you deal with alll the **** u need to deal with and take accountabilty for!!!!!
he said that i take everything too serious and that he will be having fun in the sun without me and that im miserable and toxic for him and i could be enjoying a nice florida vacation with him but instead I have to make everything difficult when it could be so easy!! It i just listen to him and let him take control for once!!'
im too controlling and crazy!!!
like sorry for calling you out to own your ****. Sorry for thinking u would come home and try to make amends and fix your life!!!! But no lets keep running away from actual reality and live life with no responsility or consequences to your actions!!!!&
im so fed up!!!!!!
I FEEL CRAZY! He makes me crazy!!!!! Hes delusional!!! But im wrong! Im nuts!!im insane, toxic and miserable because I want him to grow up and be a man. Instead lets party it up and forget about life. Forget about everything he put me through! Like how could this even be real????? How could someone be that delusional!!!!!!! And alll he says is how much he loves me and misss me and that im the one who is ruining this by not giving in and letting go!!! Like....... am i the crazy one? Am i delusional???? Like i live in the real word idk what fairytale he is living in but its just not fair and it makes me feel like so stupid for every thinking he was actually going to grow up. Then the other part of me is like is right? Maybe we all should live with clear heads expecting everyone to just take on our problems!!!!! Likee how could someone live a life so reckless without a care in the world. Its insane!!!!!!
anyway sorry guys a much much much needed vent!!!!!!!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning! Wow, you have been through so much, and I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment.
Three months is really just a drop in the bucket of early recovery. And, frankly, it sounds as though he may be clean, but sobriety is really not happening. What I mean is, he doesn't seem to have any self-reflection on how to improve his own personality and how his past actions have hurt anyone around him. Unfortunately, as you've experienced, you can't count on him to behave the way you hope and wish that he would.
I hope you will continue to work on your own happiness and future. And yes, please come and vent away here anytime!!
Three months is really just a drop in the bucket of early recovery. And, frankly, it sounds as though he may be clean, but sobriety is really not happening. What I mean is, he doesn't seem to have any self-reflection on how to improve his own personality and how his past actions have hurt anyone around him. Unfortunately, as you've experienced, you can't count on him to behave the way you hope and wish that he would.
I hope you will continue to work on your own happiness and future. And yes, please come and vent away here anytime!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you
[QUOTE=Seren;7538292]Good morning! Wow, you have been through so much, and I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment.
Three months is really just a drop in the bucket of early recovery. And, frankly, it sounds as though he may be clean, but sobriety is really not happening. What I mean is, he doesn't seem to have any self-reflection on how to improve his own personality and how his past actions have hurt anyone around him. Unfortunately, as you've experienced, you can't count on him to behave the way you hope and wish that he would.
I hope you will continue to work on your own happiness and future. And yes, please come and vent away here anytime!
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi Sap, so sorry to hear the hurt you are going through.
I am glad you have blocked him everywhere, no need to find more hurt. Why would "friends" send you a video like that? Perhaps you can tell them you don't want to hear anymore about it?
When someone gets sober, as in puts down the drugs, that's just the very, very beginning of trying to achieve true recovery. Generally it can take even up to a year until their thinking starts to be on a more even keel and longer still to get a firm fitting in this new lifestyle. An addict can never use drugs again, they will shortly be right back where they started, addiction never goes away, it can just be put in to remission.
So yes, it doesn't sound like he is interested in recovery right now. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it - the 3 c's - this is out of your control. I too hopes he finds sobriety some day, but he may not, that's entirely up to him.
What is important right now is to look after yourself really well. Have you read the book Co-dependent no more? I'm not saying you are codependent by the way, just that this is the most recommended book here and has a lot of information about boundaries and relationships.
You may also want to read through the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, it's a bit busier that this one and addiction is addiction after all. You can also post over there as well, of course, if you want to.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I am glad you have blocked him everywhere, no need to find more hurt. Why would "friends" send you a video like that? Perhaps you can tell them you don't want to hear anymore about it?
When someone gets sober, as in puts down the drugs, that's just the very, very beginning of trying to achieve true recovery. Generally it can take even up to a year until their thinking starts to be on a more even keel and longer still to get a firm fitting in this new lifestyle. An addict can never use drugs again, they will shortly be right back where they started, addiction never goes away, it can just be put in to remission.
So yes, it doesn't sound like he is interested in recovery right now. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it - the 3 c's - this is out of your control. I too hopes he finds sobriety some day, but he may not, that's entirely up to him.
What is important right now is to look after yourself really well. Have you read the book Co-dependent no more? I'm not saying you are codependent by the way, just that this is the most recommended book here and has a lot of information about boundaries and relationships.
You may also want to read through the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, it's a bit busier that this one and addiction is addiction after all. You can also post over there as well, of course, if you want to.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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