Broken up with during early recovery and feeling lost

Old 10-30-2020, 03:46 PM
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Question Broken up with during early recovery and feeling lost

Hi, this is my first time posting here. It's such a unique situation so I'm looking for any advice, or if anyone can relate, please let me know how you dealt with this, if you moved on, or if you remained friends?

I fell hard for a man who I've known for a few years, professionally. We started to get closer in the summer, and he confided in me that he has struggled with drug addiction for years. It was news to me, and we bonded over this because I had been in a relationship with an addict (and had left that relationship) so I understood this to an extent.

A month later, he told me he was in recovery and attending AA. We started dating. His being in recovery was so refreshing to me, it made me feel safe in a way, and we bonded very quickly. Over the next two months we fell for each other hard. I haven't felt this way for another person in years. And he told me he felt the same way. We told each other we were falling in love with each other, and both admitted this felt fast, and kind of scary.
After a particularly amazing night together, I asked him if it was a good idea for us to be doing this since he's in "early recovery" -- by this point he was 3 months sober, and I had read a LITTLE bit about how AA discourages dating in early recovery (up to about a year..)
This seemed to flick a switch for him. He said he didnt think he had given that part enough thought, and was just enjoying this too much to worry about it. But that he does need to think about it.

Fast forward 2 days later and he tells me he's spoken to his sponsor and fellowship and no one thinks it's a good idea for him to start a new relationship in early recovery. I was kind of in shock. It felt like it all happened so fast, and I didn't really understand. He said he wished he could tell me "I'll be there with you in 4 months" but he has no idea how long it's going to take. He says he could relapse next week and then, back to square 1. He said he can't ask for me to wait for him because that wouldn't be fair, and would put pressure on him to recover.
He kept saying he didn't want to break up with me, he wanted to be with me, but he can't do it, he promised himself he would do whatever it took to get better, and for him it's life or death. When he said that I felt like a knife to my heart. If not being with me can potentially help him save his life then OBVIOUSLY we cannot be together.

But my confusion/question is ... why can't we agree to be together when he's out? I don't want to 'wait' for him but it has been so difficult knowing that there's this incredible person that I have fallen hard for, who wants me too, but can't be with me, and we can't even say to each other "see you on the other side!" because we don't know when or what that looks like. He wants to stay "as much in my life as possible" and we were texting all the time for a few weeks but I asked for some space because it was making me feel too sad.
The uncertainty of it all is causing me so much anxiety.

I want to know if anyone out there has gone through this? What advice do you have? Is staying friends a really bad idea? Is it stupid to have hope for the future? Did anyone go through this and then get back together?
I have never in my life had to go through something like this before.
Thank you everyone...
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Old 10-30-2020, 10:56 PM
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Hi and welcome Elysian

I really believe if things are meant to be they will be...but having said that I was a million different people each day of my first few months sober.

I had to work out who sober I was, before I could think about sharing myself and my life, especially with someone I cared about.
I had to put my recovery first for a while because everything else stemmed from that.

You're getting mixed messages, and that's understandable - there's what the head needs and what the heart wants. I think a little space couldn't hurt and may be beneficial in the long run, whatever happens?

D
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Old 10-30-2020, 11:32 PM
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Hi Elysian. I'm sorry you have been hurt by all this.

It sounds like he is completely confused. That's not unusual in early recovery. The words he used: "do whatever it took", "for him it's life or death" - are words I have heard many times here at SR, I'm going to guess these are words spoken at AA.

The no new relationships for a year thing is just a suggestion, it's not actually part of AA. It's probably a good suggestion, relationships, especially new ones can be challenging and if there is conflict and uncertainly, for example, it might be hard to stay sober.

But is this really even a "new" relationship? How many months have you been together 2? It's not like you met last week and you were (from what you have written) doing fine?

The guideline or suggestion doesn't say - break up with your girlfriend.

Anyway, sounds like he is taking the advice of his sponsor and/or group and I don't mean to downplay that. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not giving an opinion on what will and won't work for him.

Here is the thing. This is not ALL about him, it's about you too right? Your feelings and wellbeing are just as important as his. Do you want to be with someone who could just end your relationship based on a guideline and suggestions? If, in fact, his sobriety is on such a thin thread, is that someone you want to base your future relationship on? Just mentioning this as you don't really have to worry about him, but maybe focus on yourself, taking care of yourself, doing what you enjoy.

Yes, it hurts and it's going to hurt for a while, but you will be ok and you won't always feel this terrible.

I would really recommend that you visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum as well (it's a bit busier than this forum) and even post over there if you would like (addiction is addiction). Also there are many threads over there to read that might resonate with you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

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Old 10-31-2020, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Elysian View Post
I had been in a relationship with an addict (and had left that relationship)
Between that relationship and meeting this new man, had you yourself been in any kind of recovery program or mental wellness community?
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Old 10-31-2020, 10:13 AM
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I have been in therapy. I recently started attending Al-Anon meetings but Im not sure if it's going to help me...
Why do you ask?
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Old 10-31-2020, 10:30 AM
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I understand this might seem like a unique situation to you, but I've been on these boards for eight years and it's far from the first time I've read a story like this one.

He doesn't know who he is going to be on the other side of recovery, if (and that's a big IF) he even gets that far. He is saying he needs to throw every last thing he is got at recovery if he is going to make it work, and make it last. That means even the promise of a potential relationship in the future is too much for him to commit to right now.

Most addicts don't get in to recovery at all and of those that do, very few have the wherewithal to put it before everything else in order to achieve it. He told you it was life or death. Believe him.

Personally, I don't think staying friends right now is good idea for either of you. He has plenty of support from his sponsor and other addicts, and you need time and space to even think about moving past this.

No one can say what the future will hold for him, or for the two of you together. The odds that you have some healing to do from your last relationship with an addict seem pretty high from what you've shared. I know this is an incredibly painful situation but he really is trying to do the right thing for both you. I hope that you will let him.

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Old 10-31-2020, 10:36 AM
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Hello Elysian, and Welcome to SR! You've landed in a great place for information and support
I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

A few things pop up as red flags to me within your narration:
Originally Posted by Elysian
It's such a unique situation
Really it's not. I've been here at SR for many years, and I've heard similar stories over and over again. This kind of thinking is known as 'terminal uniqueness'. In other words, the thought that somehow your bond/your situation is somehow so special and magical that it is worthy of nearly killing oneself to make it work.
Originally Posted by Elysian
he has struggled with drug addiction for years
This indicates to me that it may take years before he is finally stable and consistent in his recovery.
Originally Posted by Elysian
we bonded over this
My late husband and I bonded over our shared love of many things. But bonding over addiction does not seem to me to be something that makes a good foundation for a long-term relationship.
Originally Posted by Elysian
we bonded very quickly...we were falling in love with each other, and both admitted this felt fast, and kind of scary.
In my life, when I fell hard and fast for someone, it always ended badly. That "instant" connection is not real--it's just those intoxicating brain chemicals at work. When I allowed that to happen, I was always heartbroken in the end.
Originally Posted by Elysian
He says he could relapse next week and then, back to square 1
He's correct and truthful here. He could relapse tomorrow. As he stated before, he has struggled on and off with addiction for years. This is not something that will fix itself overnight. And there is a huge difference between abstaining and recovery. He is in the fight of his life--for his life right now.

I wish nothing but the best for you and this man that you love, but based on my own experience, I would take one giant step backward. Please note that the weekends around here are a bit quieter. Others will be along soon to share their own experiences with you! Hang in there! And maybe go out and do something you enjoy this Halloween weekend!

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Old 10-31-2020, 11:50 AM
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Hi Elysian. I'm just going to post, below, what I posted in the Substance abuse forum for you, I'm glad you found your way over to this forum.

It sounds like he is completely confused. That's not unusual in early recovery. The words he used: "do whatever it took", "for him it's life or death" - are words I have heard many times here at SR, I'm going to guess these are words spoken at AA.

The no new relationships for a year thing is just a suggestion, it's not actually part of AA. It's probably a good suggestion, relationships, especially new ones can be challenging and if there is conflict and uncertainly, for example, it might be hard to stay sober.

But is this really even a "new" relationship? How many months have you been together 2? It's not like you met last week and you were (from what you have written) doing fine?

The guideline or suggestion doesn't say - break up with your girlfriend.

Anyway, sounds like he is taking the advice of his sponsor and/or group and I don't mean to downplay that. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not giving an opinion on what will and won't work for him.

Here is the thing. This is not ALL about him, it's about you too right? Your feelings and wellbeing are just as important as his. Do you want to be with someone who could just end your relationship based on a guideline and suggestions? If, in fact, his sobriety is on such a thin thread, is that someone you want to base your future relationship on? Just mentioning this as you don't really have to worry about him, but maybe focus on yourself, taking care of yourself, doing what you enjoy.

Yes, it hurts and it's going to hurt for a while, but you will be ok and you won't always feel this terrible.

I would really recommend that you visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum as well (it's a bit busier than this forum) and even post over there if you would like (addiction is addiction). Also there are many threads over there to read that might resonate with you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics
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Old 10-31-2020, 11:52 AM
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Oh and there is a really good stickies section at the top of the forum here, you might find this section helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

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Old 11-01-2020, 08:57 AM
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A few years ago, "Sophie" came in to do back-of-house work for the store I work in. Sophie was open and honest about her struggle with addiction. In fact, when I asked her how she came to live in this particular city, she responded that it was the location of the halfway house she was sent to.

Sophie worked for us a few months. During that time, she also told me she had taken on the task of sponsoring another woman in AA. I said it must take a lot of courage. Some people must relapse, and that must be hard. She said most people relapse, and that you just have to accept that no matter what you do, that may happen.

Sophie left to attend college, but didn't stay. She sort of drifted. Fast forward a couple years, and Sophie appeared and talked to the boss alone. Some days later he confided that Sophie had come to make amends - she had actually been using for part of her time employed here. None of us knew.

You can't be together when he's out because no one has a crystal ball to predict when - or even if - that will happen. Having left a previous relationship with an addict, doesn't it seem odd that you find alcoholism something to 'bond' over? I find that peculiar and very troubling.


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Old 11-01-2020, 10:54 AM
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Elysian, I am sorry for the heartache you are feeling. This might be a good time to work on your own well being and distract yourself from how he is doing or when he can see you.

We started to get closer in the summer, and he confided in me that he has struggled with drug addiction for years. It was news to me, and we bonded over this because I had been in a relationship with an addict (and had left that relationship) so I understood this to an extent.
He sounds more honest than many, and he is telling you who he is right from the beginning. It may be a good chance to look at yourself and why you (so far) have been attracted to addicts or alcoholics. There is a group called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) that is about "us" and why we are the way we are and how we can learn to live healthier lives. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy. It would be nice if your recovery (from Codependeny) is as important to you, as his is to him.

It's an old saying but "time heals" and once you find you balance again and whether or not you resume a relationship with him when his recovery is strong, you will be wiser for the journey.

Hugs
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Old 11-02-2020, 06:01 AM
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Hello Elysian,

I merged your two threads into one. All of the replies you have received so far have been retained
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Old 11-02-2020, 09:27 AM
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There is an update here ...
He is telling me he wants to get back together and that he thinks he is better off with me than when he wasnt with me.
I am feeling very confused, and worried, and scared.
I want to be with him too, but I dont want to do anything that will jeopardize his or my health.
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Old 11-02-2020, 09:39 AM
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Just my 2 cents: he is all over the place. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. You have to have your eyes wide open here whatever you decide to do.

Is he still in recovery? Is he saying that he can't be in recovery without you? This is a pretty significant red flag.
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Old 11-02-2020, 10:40 AM
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He is still in recovery, now 4 months sober, which is still really early, and no he isnt saying he cant do it without me, he's saying his mind is changing and he thinks being together would be a positive and not a negative.
I'm very cautious and Im worried. It doesnt seem like this is a good idea anymore but it's so difficult to say no when I really want to be with him too.
I appreciate everyone's advice ... I dont know who else to talk to who has been through anything like this before. When I say it's a 'unique situation' i dont mean within the community. I mean within my circle and in my life.
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Old 11-02-2020, 11:53 AM
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If you're worried and not sure then it seems like those are instincts to sit with for a moment.

What would happen if you said to him, "I'd like to see where you are with a full year of recovery under your belt before we move forward"?

It's not an unreasonable thing to suggest, and if he is reluctant to get behind the idea, then that's telling you a lot.
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Old 11-02-2020, 05:49 PM
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Yes, there is no rush here.

The fact that you are feeling uneasy about this is actually a good thing (for you). That's a normal reaction I think. Someone you relied on and trusted broke that trust.

Take your time, doesn't mean you two can't date each other as friends (anything more would be a risk for you at this point, you may get too attached too fast). See how he gets on with his sobriety, perhaps just hang out, do things, go out to dinner, watch tv, normal everyday things and see how you get on.

I would wait until he is sober for a year as well or close to, before proceeding further in to a relationshp, to ensure he has worked enough out for himself that he is once again reliable. This is all to protect yourself, your instincts are right.

He has hurt you, he needs to understand that and that it will take time for you to trust him again. As is said often around here, actions, not words.

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