Feel sick about telling the kids.

Old 10-28-2020, 02:28 AM
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Feel sick about telling the kids.

I posted this in the substance abuse forum but thought I would post here too as this is the forum I have been posting in to date, thanks.


I haven't posted for a while.

Dealing with husband who is a binge drinker/recreational drug user.

We have had many arguments about this over the years. Mainly around me and the kids not feeling like his priority.

When I was at home with 3 kids under 4, he would stay at the pub (on weeknights often) and on most friday nights until late to avoid coming home and facing the responsibility of parenthood, which he has found very hard to adjust to. All he seems to think about is how it has constrained him, his freedom and his ability to "do what he wants to do".

He took 3 months off booze in lockdown. He did it to prove a point I think. Then since that finished, he has been back to his ways. Going down to a neighbours house on a weds night getting wasted. He left at 430pm and still wasnt home at 130 when I messaged out of concern for his safety! We had a really big fight the next day. I am just so tired of it.

Then last Friday he did it again, with this same guy who is basically a depressed functional AH. They enable each other.

My H says that I am trying to change who he is, and that having fun/partying/beers with the boys is "who he is". He said I am trying to mould him into some version that I want.

All I want is for him to be resonsible and man up.

Anyhow, we have finally made the decision to separate. I have felt some relief to be honest, but I also haven't been able to sleep very well and feel sick all the time. Not about leaving him so much, I am completely ok with that - the love and respect slowly dissappeared over the years. But about our kids.

Interestingly since we made the decision, he seems to be getting on as if he has won lotto! Finally getting rid of the nagging wife!

My big worry now is the kids. We will tell them next week and everytime I think about it, I cry. My heart is broken for them.

If anyone has been through this PLEASE I would love your advice. Thanks in advance.
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Old 10-28-2020, 04:35 AM
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This will not be easy but try to avoid framing it like you are destroying their lives—you aren’t. Kids will adapt.

What you are really doing is demonstrating what being a healthy adult looks like, making room for happiness and fulfillment in your life by moving on from a situation that is not serving you, or your kids. This is something that will serve your children long after the temporary sadness that might arise from your separation.
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Old 10-28-2020, 06:24 AM
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Forever-----do you know that there are several books on amazon.com for telling kids about divorce? There are ones for every age group. I don't know if you can get books from amazon, in your country. If not, you can get the titles off of the book section of amazon.com and have your local library get them for you.
If you go onto the internet and google "how to tell kids about divorce"-----you will find several articles on this subject.

I went through this when I divorced my first husband---the father of my three children. I don't know how old your kids are--but, from what you have shared in your threads--I am guessing somewhere between 6 and 10?? Mine were a bit younger---the oldest being 6 years.
Based on my own experience of going through divorce and being a single parent for many years---I can offer the following....
What SparkleKitty said-----the kids take their cues from their parents---so, I think that it is very important to not project your own anxiety onto them. If you seem calm and confident (even if you have to fake it) , they will feel more secure.
Don't expect them to fall apart or even do a lot of talking. They will probably just listen and maybe ask a few questions. I suggest that you don't press them to have a great verbal outpouring.
Kids--especially, the young ones, seem to need time to slowly digest this kind of mew material. Let them go at their own pace. It is possible that some kids will "act out" their feelings over time---as kids may not have the ability to verbalize complex feelings at this age.
I found out that, over time, kids will ask question as they feel safe to do so. When they do ask--answer in honest, simple answers---age appropriate.

I remember, from my child psychology developmental courses (lol---which I took after my kids were already grown!)---that, children tend to think of their own security in 24 hour segments. Like--where are we going to sleep. Can we still order pizza for dinner? Can Johnny sleep over, tonight? Can grandma still come to visit this weekend?

Forever---obviously, I could go on and on, here. Maybe, if you have any SPECIFIC questions---I and the other posters can try to answer them from our own experience.
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Old 10-28-2020, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Forevertoolong View Post
Interestingly since we made the decision, he seems to be getting on as if he has won lotto! Finally getting rid of the nagging wife able to drink whenever he wants!
Made a little modification on that sentence Forevertoolong. Anyway, My parent's divorced, but I was a teenager (Father was an alcoholic). So being older, not a big deal.

However, I agree with SK, children do adapt, they will probably be about as upset as you show them to be, you know what I mean? Reassurance that Mom and Dad will still both be in their lives etc etc, will go a long way.

It is not pleasant for children to live in a house where there is arguing and drinking (this I know well), it's unsettling and scary. You are actually doing a good thing for them, I hope you know that.


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Old 10-28-2020, 01:03 PM
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Oh man!!! Okay, I have been there. I can give you my experience anyway.

We didn't have a coordinated effort when we did it...I did it. I just sat my then 10.5 year old daughter down and told her that mamma and dada were no longer going to be living together and that we love you very much. She melted into a puddle of tears and I just held her. As the days progressed she asked lots of questions and we started making changes in the living situation. She just wanted love...she wanted some information, and that came as things happened.

Remember you are dealing with an insane person, and you have to be the one in the drivers seat, if he will agree to details, then great. If not, be prepared to be the one who has to bare the brunt of this storm. Your kids will survive. Give it to them in bite sized chunks. We are sererating my love, which means that mama and dada are not going to be staying in the same house. Stop it there. Let it sink in, give them love, reassure them that they will be ok. Show calm and love, that is all you can do. Here for you ok.
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Old 10-28-2020, 03:30 PM
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So helpful to hear your experiences, thank-you so much!

In terms of kids ages, 6, 9 and 11.

I suppose my biggest concern is that they are going to be so completely heart broken and that their childhood will be defined by this.

I am also finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact that we are making a choice to inflict this pain on them - it is different to say a death.

Also I have done heaps of research on this and find it hard to find anything too positive. Most of the stuff I have read speaks to all the issues that children of divorce have a result of going through this - do worse academically, higher rates of mental illness etc etc - it is very hard to reconcile and makes me feel incredibly guilty and selfish.

In saying that, I know within my soul that this is the right thing.

Also, I spoke to a psych who specialises in kids and families and she did reassure me that many children of divorce are well adjusted and go on to live happy lives.

Thankfully, we are friendly and both agree that the kids are number one. H wants to keep us in the house etc and has said he will help out whenever I need. He is happy for me to be here with them most of the time (thinking a 9/5 fortnight). So in terms of all that, I think we are well set up to make this ok for the kids.

Still feel sick about it!

We are not sure when to tell them. Does it matter if we tell them while he is still living here? It might be another month or so before he finds a place and can move out. Maybe even longer as there isn't much around.
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Old 10-28-2020, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Made a little modification on that sentence Forevertoolong. Anyway, My parent's divorced, but I was a teenager (Father was an alcoholic). So being older, not a big deal.

However, I agree with SK, children do adapt, they will probably be about as upset as you show them to be, you know what I mean? Reassurance that Mom and Dad will still both be in their lives etc etc, will go a long way.

It is not pleasant for children to live in a house where there is arguing and drinking (this I know well), it's unsettling and scary. You are actually doing a good thing for them, I hope you know that.
Oh I love this! That is SO true - he is so happy that he won't have to feel any shame for his beahviour and he can drink when he wants as much as he wants! When you think about it like that, it is actually pretty sad.
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Old 10-28-2020, 04:27 PM
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I am not trying to scare you, FTL, but growing up in a home with active addiction is not really any better than dealing with divorce. I know, because like trailmix, I lived it.

Yes, they are going to be sad.
Yes, they are going to need support.

Sadness and support you can handle. Growing up feeling like you have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset someone else is insidious, and in my case, I had no idea how dysfunctional it was until I was in my thirties and had left a wake of codependent destruction in my path.

You're going to be okay. THEY'RE going to be okay. Love them, talk to them, make sure they know that none of it is their fault. They've got a strong mama to help them through.
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Old 10-28-2020, 04:27 PM
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Dear Forever,
We told our children 13, and 16 at the time that although we would no longer be a married couple and we would no longer live together, we would always be a family. Fifteen years later, they are grown, we are with other partners, but as parents of these now grown adults, we are still family, for better or worse. I promised myself I would never say anything negative about their dad, and in all these years, I never have.
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Old 10-28-2020, 06:42 PM
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And one more thing...your children have siblings. This will be a huge support for them internally. Siblings, even young ones can be incredible support for eachother. This by no means replaces your loving support, but it will be a plus.
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Old 10-28-2020, 08:31 PM
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Forever----I can remember some of the material about children and divorce from my developmental psychology classes.......
While they didn't deny that it is a significant event in the lives---the point was made that it didn't automatically mean that it was always a crippling effect on their lives.
Many research results were cited---scientific research....
The very MAIN point that I remember is this------that, on average, the adjustments to the new divorced situation was stabilized at about 2 years, after the actual divorce. This was true for both the spouses and the children.
That the problem was not so much the actual Divorce---but, HOW the divorce was handled after the fact. How civilized the parents were toward each other---without arguing and back biting was the most important factor, here. That, living in a home with a bad and contentious marriage was worse for children than going through a civilized divorce where children were still nourished and loved.

I get it that you feel sick about the advent of divorce---but, that boat has already sailed, hasn't it? This,of course, will be your own personal challenge to process. I think you will get past it. Wallowing in personal guilt will not add one molecule of any good for you---in fact, false guilt will be destructive to your progress and peace of mind. A mother with peace of mind is the best gift to a child. They take their security and cues about life from you.

Forever---if you are truly interested in what the scientific research has to say, from the field of psychology----I suggest this. Go to the TEXTBOOK section of amazon.com. Get a book in the Developmental Psychology section---the kind that is taught in colleges and universities. Read the sections that address divorce. Also, the textbooks on marriage and family \ go into the effect of divorce and family trauma situations on children. (textbooks tend to be pricey--but, you can get greatly reduced prices on the Used books).
I think they are worth studying. lol---I took these courses after my own kids were long grown up! It would have been great if I had known about them when my kids were still little. Oh, well.
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Old 10-28-2020, 11:55 PM
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Ugh, I’m just now going through a separation and probably a divorce. Our kids are adults but I still don’t know how we will tell them. We will spare them the sordid details.
I’ve been blindsided by him moving out—- he slowly packed up stuff over the last month and took it,,,somewhere? I wondered why his closets were getting so clean, lol.
I haven’t told anyone yet....it’s just too heartbreaking to discuss.
BUT....I haven’t even been tempted to drink at this so that’s good.
When I got sober and he kept heavily drinking, we just slowly went separate ways.
I feel your pain, forever2long. It’s a sad, sad time. But lots of encouraging comments from everyone above me. They’ve helped me too. Thanks to you all!
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Old 10-29-2020, 07:19 AM
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Hello,
I am so proud of you.
You may not see it now, but this is going to be so good for you and the kids.
The kids don't need to see an absent father, a drunk father, a disrespectful father.
While this is going to hurt, ad change sucks sometimes, there will be a lot of growth for you and your children.

I am proud of your decision.

Toxicity at any level is not welcome in my home or around my children. While I can not "control" the outside world, my home is a safe place to be, and we dont allow that kind of nonsense here.

Blessings,
DC
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Old 10-29-2020, 03:24 PM
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Forever
I spoke to my stepson once when he was 8 years old about how he felt about his parents not being together. He said it was totally normal, there wasn't a single kid in his class whose parents were together.
His answer shocked me but also I realised that the idea of family is so different now then when I was his age
As long as your kids are loved and know they are wanted they will be fine. It sounds like are in a good place with their dad and they won't be exposed to the two of you fighting, which is very painful for kids.
Try not to dwell on what could have been. Enjoy what is. Your broken heart will heal and your new family structure will evolve over time.
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Old 10-29-2020, 05:44 PM
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you all have helped with your replies more than you will ever know. Thank you so much for taking the time, I am hoping that one day I can repay the favour.

Interestingly I am feeling clearer and clearer on this by the minute and I had a moment of emotion while on my walk this morning that can only be desribed as elation!

I am under no illusions about the reality of the next few months and how diffcult it will be - but I am already feeling so much happier than I have in a looonnnngg time. H has picked up on it and said something about the irony of getting my personality back now! So charming hey!

I know the kids will be fine and I have to be as supportive calm and strong as I can for them, show them heaps of love and ensure they have lots of good quality time with us both.
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Old 10-30-2020, 11:30 AM
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I went through the same feelings of fear and doubt when telling my boys that their Dad and I were divorcing. I also saw all the stats about kids growing up in single parent homes doing poorly academically etc etc. It freaked me out. Then I did research on kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes where the parents stay together. Guess what? Worse or equally bad outcomes when compared with children of single parent homes.

The variable is the stressful environment of the home life and the dysfunction of the adults in that home whether single or married. All kids in a stressful home do poorly. I have 3 A brothers. We grew up in a chaotic alcoholic father/codie mother environment. None of us are terrible ppl but my brothers are really messed up, unfulfilled, addicted, and unhappy people. And I had a sh*t ton of terrible thought/relationship patterns I had to (STILL have to) work very hard to change. Can I blame my parents for that? I mean we'll never know if it would have altered my brothers' life choices had my mother been able to face my dad's alcoholism honestly and get US some help.

I found it helpful to send my kids the message that I knew they were strong/resilient enough to manage this difficult situation. I never bad mouth their Dad, (and I am lucky as I know he never bad mouths me). I let them see me vulnerable, told them it was hard for me too, even though it was the right thing to do, and marveled with them at the strangeness of life and the way the road you're on sometimes isn't the one you thought you took!

Since I was the child of parents who did not divorce, I asked them through the years to tell me what they were feeling, how was it going? What's challenging about their home life? They got to be the experts and educate me on the process at times...showing them this respect made them feel strong and capable, I could see it when they shared things with me.... All of this combined stance of warmth and openness actually created a super tight bond between me and my boys that is strong to this day.

And they have grown into lovely young men, they have friends, they have normal amounts of anxieties and neuroses, they are kind, they did well in school, they completed college degrees, they are not addicted to alcohol or drugs, they have healthy romantic attachments....so what more could I have hoped for?

My son's nursery school teacher at the time of my divorce told me about her father dying when she was 8 and how hard it was for her and her sister and her Mom...and when she went off to college her roommate freshman year was a little overly piteous of this fact and so the teacher called home and asked her mom, "Am I supposed to be totally messed up because we lost Dad so long ago?" And her Mom said, "No, we have sorrow, but also life to live!" This teacher told me to take the attitude that this divorce is not the worst thing that can happen in our family, yes it is sad, and hard, and disappointing for the children, and yet the ability to overcome any hardship is within their ability and that I am always there to listen, provide encouragement and resources as needed!

P.S. I got a very good therapist during that first year of my divorce - she helped me with all this stuff so much. I was a wreck and not thinking clearly or rationally sometimes. And if the kids had been struggling and needed it I would have gotten them therapy stat too...I was pretty broke but I found a community mental health center that had a sliding scale...it was worth every penny.

Sending you a shot of courage and ((((hugs))))...it is so hard....but making that change was lifesaving for me!
Peace,
B.
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Old 10-31-2020, 05:44 AM
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I never had children. I know nothing about them, except for having been one, back in the Stone Age.

My dad went to work every day and retired with a good pension. He invested money wisely. He went to church every Sunday and did under-paid handyman work for the widows and infirm once he retired. He attended all the school spring concerts, stupid drama club performances, dance recitals, and taxied younger sib to orthodontist appointments. He felt responsible to help my siblings and tried his damnedest - paying for college if /when we attended, being there with a pickup truck when we moved from one place to another. Helped my older sibling build a house.

Dad was also a very functional alcoholic. It wasn't something that was always in the background - or maybe it was. I remember a couple times he was really drunk, or was off someplace and Mom was worried because he'd forgotten to tell her where he was. I remember well (because I was an adult when it happened) that Mom broke her leg at one point. I called one night to see how she was doing. She was asleep in the couch (I guess, the bedroom was upstairs) and Dad was drunk. I wondered how much help he was being if that was his state early in the evening. Years later, I wondered how much he and Mom shielded us from his drinking.

When I met my husband, I knew he drank a lot. Owing partly to my experience with my Dad, it didn't seem so bad or unusual. We married, and the 25 years I spent with him were certainly not all bad. In retrospect, I should have waited - should have had the self esteem to sit out that dance and look for a man who wasn't an addict. But I didn't think of my Dad as an addict, either. Well, I didn't then. In widowhood, I had the maturity to say to myself, "Don't settle. Better no partner than one with a problem like this."

This is my long-winded way of saying you are doing your children a favor that may pay off 20 years from now.
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Old 10-31-2020, 09:26 PM
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Thank you so much all.

We have had quite a few chats over the past few days. He admitted that since we had kids and I started to reduce drinking/partying he started to feel differently towards me. I was not his partner in crime anymore and he found that hard. He resented that he would come home from the pub or a work lunch or a day at work and I would ask for help with the kids straight away (!!) as I had been with them on my own all day! He said on the occasions he stayed at the pub that it was an obvious choice as coming home to a tired wife and 3 kids was not a "fun" option. He is saying all these things and I am listening but I am just in total disbelief that his priorities are this messed up? He also admitted that he does value people on their ability to drink alot/party. He actually said that out loud?

I am just so flabbergasted by all of it and wonder where my judgement switch was when I said yes to marrying him. But I can't think like that now, this is my reality and this is how it played out and now I just need to move forward with peace in my heart.

You have all honesty got me through this last week. I have received so much comfort and reassurance from these messages.
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Old 11-01-2020, 02:58 AM
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Forevertoolong----I can imagine what a big pill this is for you to swallow----the fact that the two of you are on completely different pages as to your roles in the marriage and family living.
Actually, I suspect that your situation is far more common than you think it is. I do agree that most men (people) probably don't say it o ut loud as directly as your husband does! They probably do commiserate about it at the pub, with their drinking buddies.
He wants the one kind of life style, and you want a very different one (one with raising and nurturing the children as a central focus). Of course, you would come across as nit picking, hen pecking and controlling, in your efforts to corral him more in line with a parental role---and, minus the drinking, also!
It is true---some people are simply not up to the hands on parenting responsibiflities---for myriad of reasons. I guess that we could make a list about a mile long of the possible reason for that, couldn't we!?

Again, It is not too surprising that his parents had the same kind of issue in their unhappy marriage----and, that most of his male friends have the same issues in their marriages.
I am sooo glad to hear that you are not going to "just accept it" like so many of the other women. By not doing so, I really do think that you are sparing yourself and your children an enormous a mount of future pain.

In searching my memory.....I, actually, have known of several people who actually choose to never have children. They say that they simply have no desire to do so. For them--I think that is is good that they already know that about themselves and say it out loud, before the fact. This gives their potential spouses a heads-up and a clear choice to make. I th
ink that a lot of couples just drift into it.

For you. forever too long---YOU do want children and enjoy having them. So, you and they will be a blessing to each other. I think that you do have some blessings, even in this disappointing turn of events. You have been able to have beautiful and healthy children---while some women are unable to have children. Your husband does seem willing to go peacefully and be able to support the children financially---both, blessings.

Good for you that you are facing the reality, now, rather than several unhappy years down the line.
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