Apparently, It's Him VS. Me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: United States
Posts: 10
Apparently, It's Him VS. Me...
Reposted from my blog:
5 Days until the U-Haul comes.
7 Days until we turn in our keys.
It's been a rough couple of days and I feel even more that we are drifting apart.
He got a new job.
I found out from my father.
He helped clean and pack the house while I was at work.
I found out from my grandmother.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about his job.
He said it was because of my mood, he didn't feel like talking to me.
I asked him what he did all day while I was at work.
He said: "A little this and a little that. Do I need to make a list for you?"
Then, on my birthday, we got into a fight. I told him how angry I was with him over this whole situation, how heartbroken I was about loosing our house, and how I feel like everything we worked for is just gone and our life plan was ruined. I told him I feel all too often unappreciated, unimportant, and unwanted, especially when he's drinking. I like who he is when he's sober and I love that he has stayed sober for about two weeks.
He told me that he knows he messed up and he's trying to fix it. He's learning from his mistakes and is trying to make everything better. He doesn't feel like everything we worked for is gone or that our life plan was ruined. Everything was just changing and adjusting to our new situation. He told me that he's the one who feels unappreciated. No matter what he does, it's not good enough. He hates that I feel like I walk around on eggshells around him because he feels that way with me. He never knows what mood I am going to be in and, most of the time, he doesn't want to be around me, he doesn't want to talk to me. He can't believe I feel unappreciated. Those fur babies we have are because he knew they would make me happy. He texts me all day long. He asks me about my day, maybe not in a timely manner I want, but he does before I go to bed.
The fight ended but wasn't satisfying.
Nothing was resolved.
Nothing was truly figured out.
It just hung there.
He took me to one of our favorite restaurants to celebrate my birthday. He didn't drink. Then he took me to our favorite bar where we always go to play pool. He didn't drink. When we got home, he finished cleaning up the house for his family's visit to go hunting.
I thought maybe the fight stuck.
I have said those things before when he's drunk.
But, he's sober. Maybe he'll listen this time.
Before he left hunting with his family, I got three goodbyes. I got multiple kisses and hugs. I got multiple "I love you". Then he had a very success hunt. I drove three hours from home with my mother to see my brother. He called me that first night and told me all about his hunting trip and the deer he shot. I scanned his voice looking for any kind of sign he had been drinking.
Nothing.
There was nothing.
My second day away, he informed me that he was going into town to dump the trash from hunting, grab more food for the fur babies, and then he's going to spend the whole day watching football.
My texts from him contained smiley faces.
He told me he took a nap at one point.
He told me cause of the snow storm, he's been loosing power.
Then, at 11:30PM, just when I am getting ready to go to bed, I get a picture...
My husband has long, curly hair. For the entire time I've known him, he's always had a pony tail. His father doesn't like it. His brothers tell him all the time to cut it. In the eight years we have been together, he refuses even a trim to cut the dead ends off. With this new job, we knew he would have to get rid of the pony tail. He would have to cut it above his collar. It was going to be weird but we would go and get him a nice hair cut and try to make him look just as good. I hate the idea of getting rid of his ponytail. I absolutely hate it. I love his long hair. I have always, always been attracted to long haired men.
Without consulting me first, my husband shaved his head.
He has absolutely no hair left.
I'm furious that he didn't talk to me first.
I'm furious over the fact that he has no hair.
I tried to talk to him about it. I called him and knew immediately that he was drunk and we had our traditional drunk fights.
According to him, it's his life and his hair. He is going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and it doesn't matter what me or anyone else said. My opinion doesn't matter and he doesn't give a **** about what I think. My opinion is "stupid". He knew I was going to be mad and he didn't want even show me the picture. Apparently, most days, he doesn't even want to see me or talk to me. If I don't get to have my opinion I'm just going to be a b!tch. Then he hung up on me.
I am so mad my head hurts.
I am so mad my stomach is in tight knots.
I don't even want to go home to him today. He's tried talked to me a little this morning. He decided to text to me about breakfast and how I should get bacon. He made sure to have smiley faces in his messages.
I am going home to a man who clearly doesn't give a **** about my feelings or my opinions.
I am going home to a man who loves to drink and chooses it more than anything else.
I am going home to a bald man who I don't find attractive. Not that it matters, we haven't been intimate since he failed his alcohol test. It's been about a month.
I am going home to a selfish man.
We are growing further apart.
Instead of us vs the world, it's him vs me.
I feel like I've lost him...
5 Days until the U-Haul comes.
7 Days until we turn in our keys.
It's been a rough couple of days and I feel even more that we are drifting apart.
He got a new job.
I found out from my father.
He helped clean and pack the house while I was at work.
I found out from my grandmother.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about his job.
He said it was because of my mood, he didn't feel like talking to me.
I asked him what he did all day while I was at work.
He said: "A little this and a little that. Do I need to make a list for you?"
Then, on my birthday, we got into a fight. I told him how angry I was with him over this whole situation, how heartbroken I was about loosing our house, and how I feel like everything we worked for is just gone and our life plan was ruined. I told him I feel all too often unappreciated, unimportant, and unwanted, especially when he's drinking. I like who he is when he's sober and I love that he has stayed sober for about two weeks.
He told me that he knows he messed up and he's trying to fix it. He's learning from his mistakes and is trying to make everything better. He doesn't feel like everything we worked for is gone or that our life plan was ruined. Everything was just changing and adjusting to our new situation. He told me that he's the one who feels unappreciated. No matter what he does, it's not good enough. He hates that I feel like I walk around on eggshells around him because he feels that way with me. He never knows what mood I am going to be in and, most of the time, he doesn't want to be around me, he doesn't want to talk to me. He can't believe I feel unappreciated. Those fur babies we have are because he knew they would make me happy. He texts me all day long. He asks me about my day, maybe not in a timely manner I want, but he does before I go to bed.
The fight ended but wasn't satisfying.
Nothing was resolved.
Nothing was truly figured out.
It just hung there.
He took me to one of our favorite restaurants to celebrate my birthday. He didn't drink. Then he took me to our favorite bar where we always go to play pool. He didn't drink. When we got home, he finished cleaning up the house for his family's visit to go hunting.
I thought maybe the fight stuck.
I have said those things before when he's drunk.
But, he's sober. Maybe he'll listen this time.
Before he left hunting with his family, I got three goodbyes. I got multiple kisses and hugs. I got multiple "I love you". Then he had a very success hunt. I drove three hours from home with my mother to see my brother. He called me that first night and told me all about his hunting trip and the deer he shot. I scanned his voice looking for any kind of sign he had been drinking.
Nothing.
There was nothing.
My second day away, he informed me that he was going into town to dump the trash from hunting, grab more food for the fur babies, and then he's going to spend the whole day watching football.
My texts from him contained smiley faces.
He told me he took a nap at one point.
He told me cause of the snow storm, he's been loosing power.
Then, at 11:30PM, just when I am getting ready to go to bed, I get a picture...
My husband has long, curly hair. For the entire time I've known him, he's always had a pony tail. His father doesn't like it. His brothers tell him all the time to cut it. In the eight years we have been together, he refuses even a trim to cut the dead ends off. With this new job, we knew he would have to get rid of the pony tail. He would have to cut it above his collar. It was going to be weird but we would go and get him a nice hair cut and try to make him look just as good. I hate the idea of getting rid of his ponytail. I absolutely hate it. I love his long hair. I have always, always been attracted to long haired men.
Without consulting me first, my husband shaved his head.
He has absolutely no hair left.
I'm furious that he didn't talk to me first.
I'm furious over the fact that he has no hair.
I tried to talk to him about it. I called him and knew immediately that he was drunk and we had our traditional drunk fights.
According to him, it's his life and his hair. He is going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and it doesn't matter what me or anyone else said. My opinion doesn't matter and he doesn't give a **** about what I think. My opinion is "stupid". He knew I was going to be mad and he didn't want even show me the picture. Apparently, most days, he doesn't even want to see me or talk to me. If I don't get to have my opinion I'm just going to be a b!tch. Then he hung up on me.
I am so mad my head hurts.
I am so mad my stomach is in tight knots.
I don't even want to go home to him today. He's tried talked to me a little this morning. He decided to text to me about breakfast and how I should get bacon. He made sure to have smiley faces in his messages.
I am going home to a man who clearly doesn't give a **** about my feelings or my opinions.
I am going home to a man who loves to drink and chooses it more than anything else.
I am going home to a bald man who I don't find attractive. Not that it matters, we haven't been intimate since he failed his alcohol test. It's been about a month.
I am going home to a selfish man.
We are growing further apart.
Instead of us vs the world, it's him vs me.
I feel like I've lost him...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tired-----you are going home to a man who has a War going on inside of his head 24/7. A War between him and the Alcoholic Voice that speaks to him, all the time. Sometimes whispering--sometimes shouting---and, always, always waiting for an opportunity to "win" the war. Even when he looks/acts like the sober version that you like---that voice is still there.
It is impossible to commit all ones's energies into an equitable and healthy personal relationship when one half of those energies are being used to fight an internal War that is going n inside one's head.
The life of the unrecovering, active alcoholic doesn't feel the same as it does to the nonalcoholic. The pressures are different, and the needs become different.
Just not drinking for 2 weeks (or any amount of time, really) doesn't make that Alcoholic Voice go away. No matter how much he might want that voice to just shut up. The Voice still waits in the bushes.
Entering into Genuine recovery means to hake a tectonic shift in one's way of life. This comes from diligently working a program of sobriety and living one's life---complete life by the program principles.
This takes time and work to make sobriety the top priority, above all else. It takes time and hard work to begin to change alcoholic thinking---leading to changes in attitudes---leading, eventually, to changes in actual behaviors.
One has to live those life principles for the rest of one's life---because that Alcoholic Voice will wait in the bushes for years, sometimes. Just waiting until the recovering alcoholic falls away from living the program p rinciples-----fthan makes it's move to cause relapse.
In reality, it is not him vs. you-----it is him vs. himself.
I realiaze that it does feel intensely personal to you----and, understandably so, because it does affect your life. But, he is not battling you (inside)---he is doing what alcoholics do. That is why it is called alcoholism.
It is impossible to commit all ones's energies into an equitable and healthy personal relationship when one half of those energies are being used to fight an internal War that is going n inside one's head.
The life of the unrecovering, active alcoholic doesn't feel the same as it does to the nonalcoholic. The pressures are different, and the needs become different.
Just not drinking for 2 weeks (or any amount of time, really) doesn't make that Alcoholic Voice go away. No matter how much he might want that voice to just shut up. The Voice still waits in the bushes.
Entering into Genuine recovery means to hake a tectonic shift in one's way of life. This comes from diligently working a program of sobriety and living one's life---complete life by the program principles.
This takes time and work to make sobriety the top priority, above all else. It takes time and hard work to begin to change alcoholic thinking---leading to changes in attitudes---leading, eventually, to changes in actual behaviors.
One has to live those life principles for the rest of one's life---because that Alcoholic Voice will wait in the bushes for years, sometimes. Just waiting until the recovering alcoholic falls away from living the program p rinciples-----fthan makes it's move to cause relapse.
In reality, it is not him vs. you-----it is him vs. himself.
I realiaze that it does feel intensely personal to you----and, understandably so, because it does affect your life. But, he is not battling you (inside)---he is doing what alcoholics do. That is why it is called alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
TiredKitty,
Dandy, pretty much summed it up. The one line you wrote at the very end: "I feel like I've lost him...", I have felt that pain and I know it well. In fact I still feel it, even though we are separated and edging closer to divorce. For me anyway, that loss (among many others) can be very difficult to bare. I just wanted to say that your voice has been heard and praying for your strength.
Dandy, pretty much summed it up. The one line you wrote at the very end: "I feel like I've lost him...", I have felt that pain and I know it well. In fact I still feel it, even though we are separated and edging closer to divorce. For me anyway, that loss (among many others) can be very difficult to bare. I just wanted to say that your voice has been heard and praying for your strength.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well, you are certainly not connected emotionally at this point.
The drinking, the truth of that is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's just like the hair, he knows what you think but he will drink anyway (it's what alcoholics do).
What dandylion has written above is so important, I hope you will read it a few times and let it really sink in. How can you be on the same page as an alcoholic? Honestly you can't. Their priority (drinking) and your priorities (your relationship, your home, your safety and comfort) can't ever line up, you know?
The alcohol trumps all. While he certainly might, to his mind, be making an effort, there is still the trump card that makes everything, at least, secondary, if not further down the list of priorities.
Sadly, until he makes the choice to quit drinking and then get in to recovery, nothing will change. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You really really can't control it.
The drinking, the truth of that is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's just like the hair, he knows what you think but he will drink anyway (it's what alcoholics do).
What dandylion has written above is so important, I hope you will read it a few times and let it really sink in. How can you be on the same page as an alcoholic? Honestly you can't. Their priority (drinking) and your priorities (your relationship, your home, your safety and comfort) can't ever line up, you know?
The alcohol trumps all. While he certainly might, to his mind, be making an effort, there is still the trump card that makes everything, at least, secondary, if not further down the list of priorities.
Sadly, until he makes the choice to quit drinking and then get in to recovery, nothing will change. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You really really can't control it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Trailmix and Dandylion, your comments above are so helpful. I've read them both about 10x over just to let them sink into me, too. Thank you as always.
TiredKitty, as with Woodlandlost, I hear your voice and pray for your strength, too. It is not personal to you.
TiredKitty, as with Woodlandlost, I hear your voice and pray for your strength, too. It is not personal to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Heya Tiredkitty, I would imagine you are tired.
It must feel very "him vs. me". It is quite natural to fight with your Qualifier (alcoholic with whom you have a relationship). We all did in one way or another; however the more you can detach and avoid JADE (Justify, argue, defend and excuse) the better. Try the best you can to focus on yourself and the things you can change: get a bit of exercise, keep up friendships, pursue your hobbies . . . . of course none of this will change his alcoholism nor your hurt from the situation but with time it will help. Also, you have every reason and more to be angry; listen to this anger with great respect and do everything you can not to react to the anger.
Please let us know how you get on. This is super rough stuff you are dealing with.
It must feel very "him vs. me". It is quite natural to fight with your Qualifier (alcoholic with whom you have a relationship). We all did in one way or another; however the more you can detach and avoid JADE (Justify, argue, defend and excuse) the better. Try the best you can to focus on yourself and the things you can change: get a bit of exercise, keep up friendships, pursue your hobbies . . . . of course none of this will change his alcoholism nor your hurt from the situation but with time it will help. Also, you have every reason and more to be angry; listen to this anger with great respect and do everything you can not to react to the anger.
Please let us know how you get on. This is super rough stuff you are dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
This thread brought to mind a famous quote
The “enemy” is really the alcoholism.
And the disease is very cunning. If you view the disease an your opponent or enemy you can consult the Art of War by Sun Yzu who taught that you have to know yourself and you have to know your enemy.
Failing to “know” alcoholism puts you at a huge disadvantage... I almost think insurmountable.
Failing to know yourself... your true self... why you are attracted to your qualifier (hint: 9 X out of 10 it’s deep)and entering into your own healing and authentic program of recovery for YOU will be a handicap in the war against the true enemy.
I am old and my qualifiers are all dead and while they all died in their disease the “enemy” didn’t topple me.
I now have a sober living therapeutic community and have seen miracle after miracle (making a documentary) but the qualifier has to want to leave their first love and fight their own battle against the A voice... retrain their brain... do the hard work. If they are ready... hallelujah!
But if they are being nudged, prodded, begged, guilted or forced... its like painting lipstick on the pig...
You know what I mean.
Know your enemy. Know you. Take care of you. Gird your loins with a smile because you live the serenity prayer.
Peace on the journey...
And the disease is very cunning. If you view the disease an your opponent or enemy you can consult the Art of War by Sun Yzu who taught that you have to know yourself and you have to know your enemy.
Failing to “know” alcoholism puts you at a huge disadvantage... I almost think insurmountable.
Failing to know yourself... your true self... why you are attracted to your qualifier (hint: 9 X out of 10 it’s deep)and entering into your own healing and authentic program of recovery for YOU will be a handicap in the war against the true enemy.
I am old and my qualifiers are all dead and while they all died in their disease the “enemy” didn’t topple me.
I now have a sober living therapeutic community and have seen miracle after miracle (making a documentary) but the qualifier has to want to leave their first love and fight their own battle against the A voice... retrain their brain... do the hard work. If they are ready... hallelujah!
But if they are being nudged, prodded, begged, guilted or forced... its like painting lipstick on the pig...
You know what I mean.
Know your enemy. Know you. Take care of you. Gird your loins with a smile because you live the serenity prayer.
Peace on the journey...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
