freedomfries

I'm on antabuse! So if I drink enough to get a buzz, 30 minutes later I'll be having a horrendous anxiety attack wishing I was dead. And then my father would smell it on me. So I'd be miserable and disappoint my parents.

And yet the AV still wanted me to get a few cans yesterday. Ridiculous! I was able to talk myself out of it but you'd think the antabuse would silence the AV. Why does the AV want me to be miserable? Just for the sake of 20 minutes of buzz which wouldn't even be a lot of fun.

tornrealization

I’ve never been on Antabuse but from what I’ve read it is used as a deterrent for drinking because of knowing you’d suffer ill physical side effects whilst drinking on it.

What it isn’t, is a pill that beats alcoholism and cures it away. Now if we had such a pill, how many of us would’ve gone that route instead of slogging through the recovery process which is both intense on mind and body? As an alcoholic myself I surely would’ve embraced that. AV and cravings are here to stay throughout the rest of my life. The best way to fight it is to stay sober. There is truth behind sticking to it and it eases up.

What’s your plan with the AV going forward or once you’re off Antabuse?

AV can be a relentless bastard. I sometimes just say I don’t drink! Other times, why ruin this day or tomorrow for a short time period of the high? Sometimes I just go to bed. Exercise works. It will get better, just be aware its going probably hang around so you’ll want additional ways to grapple with it.

freedomfries

I don't know . I haven't really though about life after antabuse. It doesn't have side effects so I'm happy to keep taking it for the time being.

freedomfries

I think I spent too long listening to This Naked Mind yesterday and it got alcohol on my mind and then naturally the AV kicked in. I should limit my listening a little bit. I've kind of pounded through the audio book. Even had a dream about it!

Hodd

Well done on 6 weeks, but don’t be so hard on yourself as it’s still early days. It’s OK and normal to think about drinking as long as you don’t succumb. The more days you do that, the easier it’ll become.

The Antabuse should be in the back of your mind. The after effects sound grim and are potentially dangerous. Hopefully after a few more weeks, the cravings will subside. Easier said than done, but accept you’ve had your last ever drink. To be honest, you haven’t reached the mindset yet, have you? It helps I promise.

It still sounds like you need an activity, a target, to be working on to take your mind off the withdrawals.

freedomfries

I think consciously I've accepted I've had my last drink but my unconscious still sees me drinking in the future.

Steely

Keep using your conscious mind FF.

Antabuse of itself won't prevent you from drinking. It just makes you really ill if you drink on it. This is what happens every time.

A month is still very early days FF. These 'thoughts' will arise, but they also pass.

Hodd

We’re all susceptible to drinking in the future, which is a terrifying thought sadly.

I know 100% if I drank a can of beer today, my cravings would be reawakened and I’d go through withdrawal once again at best or return to my old ways at worst. So when I get tempted, which still happens after nearly two years, I just think of the old me.

Bear in mind too, you’ve got a decent future. I studied engineering, and despite my many failings, it’s given me a cushy life. I had lots of options on what to do and where to work. There were opportunities abroad in engineering and other fields. If you can beat* alcohol at this young age, you’ve got it made.

* We don’t beat alcohol as such. We just avoid it. It works for me

freedomfries

I don't know about that. I drank and drugged through second and third year so only scraped through. Hopefully when I return to college next year to complete fourth year, I'll be sober and prepared and come out with a good degree. I have at least got good grades in the fourth year modules I already completed.

Hodd

You’ve answered that question then. You’ll only do better if fully focused. You’ve got the brains to do it. Think of those opportunities after graduating. I wish I could do it all again whilst sober, and it’d be even better. You’ve come to your senses a couple of decades earlier than me. Go get them!

KissMyTiara

FF, please remember 2 weeks passed and now just over 30 days sober were when you were in the hospital/psych ward. So it was easy not to drink. You couldn't. As soon as you got out on Thursday, first thing you did was drink a bottle of N/A wine. Now your AV is all over the place because you are free to drink if you want.

How are you going to handle this?

DriGuy

I understand your surprise that your AV feeds you such a line of bull. Why would it do that when it isn't good for you, right? But I'm not surprised that this is happening to you, because is sounds just like what happens to everybody else in recovery, and after 24 years, I still hear from the voice, although it's rare now. The most useful thing you can do is not to buy into it. Even getting angry, trying to make sense of it, or arguing with it is buying into it. In fact, that makes it worse, because you're feeding it. It wants you horrified, angry, and confused. It wants the argument. That's exactly what it wants. The best thing to do is stop paying attention to it. Ignore it. It doesn't deserve that much attention.

Yes, ignoring a petulant child is difficult, but the voice is not as worthy as a petulant child. You can and should ignore it. Not easy but you can learn how with practice. You can't just shove what's in your mind out of your mind, at least not a first. It doesn't happen all at once, but practice doing it, and eventually you will get the hang of it. Even if you get good at it, it's not going to go away completely. But the goal is to reduce it to manageable levels. Then much of the torment is gone, and you can start putting your mind to better use.

D122y

Great job sir.

The crave morphs.

Even at my clean time, the crave is there.

Us ex drunks can never drink again.

Our drinking privileges have been revoked.

We can rationalize whatever we want, we can put on a smiley face to the outside world, but SR has taught me that hell on earth awaits me if I relapse.

Hell on earth.

That is the foundation.

After that I can act cool. I don't drink any more. I am a born again non drinker. Booze is poison. I hate the stuff.

But, I still crave too.

Hell on earth awaits.

I resist the crave by any means necessary. Suffering and time.

Thanks.

GerandTwine

Hi FF,

You “don’t know”? There seems to be a blind spot in your Technique of Recognizing your Addictive Voice.

GT

Hodd

😀 I like that one - our drinking privileges have been revoked!

It’s so true and yet bizarre. Nothing will stop me if I went and bought some beers now (nearly two years sober and doing great). The other customers wouldn’t bat an eyelid nor would the cashier. But I’d be effectively ending my life in doing so. It really is that deadly serious. I’ve been given one hell of a second chance - my liver is by a miracle undamaged. I really believe I won’t get a third chance so this is it. It’s a bit dramatic as life’s great, but I could throw all that away with one drink. No thanks.

Steely

And it never delivers its promise. Ever.

BeABetterMan

Hey Fries, dude, this **** is gonna be hard at first. But listen to me now and hear me later, IT WILL GET EASIER. It's ok that you have to talk yourself out of it. Do not let that discourage you. If every person with a year or two years or a decade had to fight to not drink every waking minute, none of us would get sober. No one would want to live like that. But, if you stay sober long enough and work a good program there will come a time when the thought of drinking will not even occur for days or weeks or months. That obsession goes away. Just get through this hard time doing whatever it takes.

MythOfSisyphus

Your AV is selfish, and it doesn't understand past or future, it exists only in the eternal now. If doesn't care or even understand that "you" exist. The AV wants only the pleasure of the next "hit" be it drugs, booze, etc. It simply doesn't see consequences at all. It's just pure hunger, appetite for its own sake. Luckily it doesn't call the shots, you do! Your higher brain, the part of you that you call your self, that's who's in charge.

Sober45

make sure you’re practicing your AVRT even if you don’t want to...Remaining conscious and actively choosing your thoughts.

The urge to drink is very well established in your subconscious, FF, from past behaviours. Changing that around takes time and loads of patience but it will come.

Hopefully remembering what happened with your sister might also give you the impetus to think in a different direction.

Time heals.

Wastinglife

FF, you said it yourself that you would only get a couple beers for a 20 min buzz. Then Antabuse makes you sick. Just not worth it!