Here I am again

Old 10-23-2020, 09:32 PM
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Here I am again

Hello...I am new to the group, new to alcoholism (or so I claim) yet here I am living through the same incidents I have been dealing with for 12 years.
my husband is an alcoholic. His father was / is an alcoholic and I tried to put that all aside and think that I could manage this ....it was just a few drinks ...he is a completely functioning alcoholic...how bad can it be? Well 12 years later I am finding out.
I don’t even know how to describe the feelings I am experiencing. I feel as though my heart literally hurts. I am scared, afraid and lonely and don’t know where to turn.
the drinking started today at 11 am. By 7 pm he became angry with everything thing I said or did. I try not to speak and that only makes me hurt more inside. He accused me of saying something I never said about not letting him give money to a relative. I argued back this time and said I never said such a thing. He then continued to make no sense ...I know better than to try and discuss things when he is in this state. I left the house ...he never cares where I go or when I come back. This hurts too. I came back this evening to find he had been on the internet trying to change beneficiaries for his investments. I have trusted this man with my paycheck for 12 years and have never questioned his actions because he contributes much more to the household than I do. feel like a completely stupid idiot!!! If we divorce he will likely get the majority of the money because he came into the marriage with more which I understand but I can’t believe I wasn’t smart enough to protect myself financially.
Tomorrow he will wake up and neither one of us will say a word and the silence will last until he heads out of town again Monday and then we won’t speak again until Friday. Nothing ever gets resolved. He will eventually start being nice and talking and I will move past it (but never forget it) and in a week or two we will go through the same routine.
we have lost all our friends because he has gotten angry while drinking and said nasty things to them.
I am sure I /we could continue to live like this for the next 20 years until we are in a nursing home but I am just not sure how much I can take mentally. I don’t want to go but I don’t want to stay. I am so lost, hurt and confused.
I am sorry for the rambling...I just don’t know where to turn.
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Old 10-23-2020, 10:39 PM
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Hi Me68, glad you found SR, lots of support for you here.

Yes, you could go around like this for many many years, only you can make that decision (well he can too, but that's out of your control).

If you have had enough of this particular roller coaster, you really only have a couple of choices. You can stay, as you are, or you can leave (or have him leave). If you decide to make a boundary that you won't live with someone who drinks like that and is miserable to you, then that is in your control. I don't know your circumstances exactly, so I can't really elaborate on that.

As for the finances, I would strongly suggest you contact a family lawyer on Monday. Some even have free first consultations. I would go to see them or at the very least talk to them on the phone. You really need to know where you stand with the finances and what your rights are. I'm guessing you are not in a country/state/province that has community property laws?

That's really the first thing. People who drink a lot are, generally, erratic and not necessarily clear thinking, of course I can't say if your Husband is thinking clearly or not. You, however, are walking around on eggshells. He is threatening your financial security, as you trusted him and yet you don't feel you can talk to him about that. He drinks an enormous amount and causes havoc and hurt and then it's just ignored. Has it always been ignored?

If you decide you would like to separate, even for a while, there is no harm in speaking to him about his drinking, perhaps he is ready to change that, but if he is not, there is nothing you can say, probably, that will change his mind. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

All you really need, regardless of what he says or says he intends to do, is a plan. Where are you at (financially), where do you want to be (in your house with him leaving, in an apartment, staying with family etc). Once you have a plan, it's up to you when/if you act on it, but absolutely you should have one. That way you won't ever feel powerless.

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Old 10-23-2020, 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
of course I can't say if your Husband is thinking clearly or not.
I just wanted to clarify this (sorry, it's late here haha). He is clearly NOT thinking clearly when he is drinking. I meant this with regard to the changes he was trying to make with his investments and whether he really intends/wants to do that.

That's just blackmail by the way, to control you.


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Old 10-23-2020, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I just wanted to clarify this (sorry, it's late here haha). He is clearly NOT thinking clearly when he is drinking. I meant this with regard to the changes he was trying to make with his investments and whether he really intends/wants to do that.

That's just blackmail by the way, to control you.
thank you trailmix for your reply. As you might guess I am still awake with 1,000 thoughts running through my mind. The one I keep replaying is why I am surprised every time this happens and why I think things will be different.
I do need a plan but am fearful I could never really initiate that plan unless forced to do so. I believe I have become completely codependent despite my ability to have a stable career and being very capable of taking care of myself. The irony is I am afraid of being alone yet that is how I live a lot of my days and nights.
any good books you can recommend?
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Old 10-24-2020, 06:23 AM
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Hi Me68,
Welcome, and of course sorry for what brings you. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a wonderful book to read, but I also have found that in the early days, when I was feeling as you do, questioning what I was dealing with, not really understanding fully...I read the Big Book of AA, and it helped me to not question my own sanity while dealing with an active alcoholic. Making a move is always scary, but your home should be your sanctuary...a place where you can relax and feel happy. We all deserve that.
Glad you found this site, lots to read here as well.
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Old 10-24-2020, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Me68 View Post
I do need a plan but am fearful I could never really initiate that plan unless forced to do so.
I encourage you to put your focus right now on developing a support community rather than on pressuring yourself to make and execute a plan by yourself. Reaching out to this forum is a great first step! It's almost impossible to deal productively with alcoholism on our own, so your community will be essential as you move along with this. It's beyond all reason to expect to be able to follow through with a major plan all by yourself. Focus right now on building your community and on gathering awareness. When you have much firmer footing you will be able to proceed in stability and confidence rather than in trepidation.
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Old 10-24-2020, 07:13 AM
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Me----I agree with the recommendation to read "Co-dependent No More" for starters. It is the most recommended book on this forum and is an easy book to read. I think that you will find a lot of it will resonate with you.
I am giving you the following link to a website that I think will be of help to you in finding out your rights and help you to organize some of your thoughts about your financial rights and standing.
It is educational jn nature, but can help you to know the right questions to ask when you talk to a lawyer.

I believe that the First step in making a plan is to do "information gathering". The more information that you have, the more confident you will begin to feel. Knowledge is power.
You will begin to feel more in control of your life and your self and less confused.

The isolation that you find yourself in is one of your biggest obstacles---challenges---and very eroding to your self confidence and self esteem.
I think it is essential that you have--or, find---at least, one person that you can freely talk to about your situation. This is where you will have to be willing to take a "baby step"----to reach out. You will find out, that. if you have the wiliness to just reach out---how willing others will be to receive you and to help you.
Even if you say that you no longer have a friend left----I say to "Reach out to friendly strangers".
The most obvious place to start is Alanon. In Alanon, you will find that you will be among those who understand what you are going through more than just mere words. They have walked in your same shoes. You will be welcomed by sincere opened arms.
You might, also, find a counselor or therapist for yourself. That would be one person who has your back and that you can safely open up to.\
This is just t oo difficult to go through alone---and, I don't think you should expect yourself to have to.

Here is that link that I spoke of

www.womansdivorce.com
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Old 10-24-2020, 02:47 PM
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Yes, absolutely Codependent no more is a great book to start with. Also, as suggested, Al-Anon. It can be a bit intimidating at first, you think, I'm going to talk to a bunch of strangers about my life?? Well no, you don't have to, initially it's probably a good idea to just listen (if that makes you more comfortable). The also have online meetings if you aren't comfortable going in person or the in person meetings aren't available right now: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/

Small steps, as mentioned, with isolation and the destructive relationship your self esteem takes a beating. Having a plan means standing on firmer footing. Even if you don't plan to use it right now or a year from now, knowledge about it is power for you. You can feel more confident knowing you are not trapped. Instead of being at home alone wondering how on earth did I get here and how do I "fix" this, you will know you have options.

I hope you will keep posting, you really do need people who understand to talk to.



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