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Reeling

Old 10-23-2020, 11:30 AM
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Erica375
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Reeling

Two daughters came to visit me today. I was so excited to see them. They started talking, as they do, about friends and such. Apparently someone they all know is in the midst of life drama because he is in a non-monagomous relationship and there is some kerfuffle over the "rules" of such a relationship.

My kids don't know this but after I married their dad in a secret, city hall ceremony, he told me he wanted an "open" marriage. I was devastated but was already divorced once (first husband was severely mentally ill, refused help, and tried to kill our infant daughter). I did not want to be twice divorced, so I went along with his idea. Shortly before he died, my husband admitted to me that he was a sex addict.

I can tell you, what's worse than being an addict is being the object of someone's addiction. I now HATE sex. Not really fond of men, either. That's what I'm left with. I know I'm broken and I don't care. I will never be close to another person in that way, ever again.

My children do not know this because, although he was a ****** husband, he was a half decent dad and they love him. I won't ruin their memories.

I had to listen to their rationalizations about who was "right" and who should have done what. I had to leave the room. I'm so appalled.

I know I just have to keep being sober me but I can't help but think, what a ****show. I'm not conservative. I embrace LGBTQ rights. I just... that "freedom" ( actually my husband's freedom to cheat on me) broke me. I started feeling a panic/asthma attack starting when I heard my children talking about this.

I feel so raw. I feel like this visit with my daughters is ruined.

My youngest daughter is in non-monagomous relationships with two people, one of whom is non-binary. I am fine with that and am fond of both of them. I think it was the conflict in this case that riled me up, echoing my own issues.

I don't want to drink over this. I'm trying to let it go and not tie it in to my own issues. Want to just go to sleep and have this day, that I thought would be so happy, end.
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Old 10-23-2020, 11:43 AM
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Oh, Erica, I'm sorry that the discussion your daughters were having stirred up old, painful memories. It sounds like you were really triggered by their talk, though I'm sure they had no idea they were hurting you. Try to let it go and turn things around so you enjoy the day with your kids.
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Old 10-23-2020, 11:44 AM
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Erica, I am so sorry that your day with your daughters has not gone as you had hoped. The world is certainly changing and our own experiences can influence how we feel about and react to the changes; you have been through a lot and it is understandable that your past experiences are coming into play.

Can you do some deep breathing techniques now and try to calm your mind so you can resume your time with your daughters?

Please stay close to us. Drinking won’t help.
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Old 10-23-2020, 02:22 PM
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I’m really sorry you were triggered Erica but we’re here for support. You’re not alone

D
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Old 10-23-2020, 04:08 PM
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Wow, I do not envy your position. My view on life has evolved over the years. I used to be quite socially liberal but through my own actions and observing actions of others I have tightened up my views. My own personal opinion is that non monogamous relationships are very dangerous emotionally. I have other beliefs but I will withhold them.

A couple things about your post stood out to me. First, you have decided to never tell your kids about their dad. I’m not saying you are wrong about that, but I think there is a possibility that telling them is actually better for them. Especially if you’re telling them from a place of care and love. You may consider giving your kids the benefit of the doubt that they could process the information in the best way possible. This may allow them to learn more about the relationship they had with their dad and why it was the way it was. Also, if I found out my dad was a sex addict, I wouldn’t suddenly not love him or hold him in contempt. I would acknowledge his sickness and assess how it may have impacted me. It might be helpful. Again, not telling you to do it, just that this burden of keeping this secret may not be helping ANYONE like you think it is.

Next, your resolution to never be close to another man again is clearly a defense mechanism. You have been hurt and you have cut off that part of your life. And for now, if that’s what you feel is best then by all means continue. But I think that’s something to you should re-examine as you move forward. You already know the man you were with was sick. So maybe it’s time to consider forgiving him and forgiving yourself. Not in an attempt to prepare yourself to get back out there, but to free yourself from the resentment of him and the self loathing. The world has done a number on you and you’re all closed up. You’re trying to protect yourself and everyone else. But your method is to keep
secrets and lock everything away. The truth really can set you free. I hope you consider some of the things I said. I’m sorry it’s not better written, I’m on my phone and I am rushed but felt compelled to reach out.
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Old 10-23-2020, 07:42 PM
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hi Erica,
from what you write, it sure sounds like, regardless of all the turmoil this stirred up in you, you are well aware that the actual discussion has nothing to do with you per se, that your kid seems in a respectful relationship, and that the friend they are talking about is negotiating with their partner(s).

far cry from where you found yourself, which was cornered. pressured. blindsided. cheated out of what you had signed up for.

anyway. yeah, you say you are broken.
maybe so.
then you say you don’t care.
really?
maybe so.
but even if the not-caring is true, there is a good chance a lot of this inside you could be healed. you could opt to find people to help you with that.
so that you won’t need to keep suffering.

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Old 10-24-2020, 04:49 AM
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Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and support. You've given me a lot to think about.
The day got better. Someone decided they needed to go shopping so I said I'd stay home with the dogs. We had lovely nap, the dogs and I.
The kids came home with food, they were talking about some thing else, and everything was fine. They lit the chiminea and I was going to stay inside but they kept asking me to come sit with them so I did and had a great time.
Daughter with the digs had to leave but one and the SIL stayed and the 4th daughter is coming down today.
So today I am feeling much better, blessed with four daughters who love me and actually want to spend time with me. Oh, and the youngest told me she broke it off with the non-monagomous BF. Not sure what that means but I'm happy to be kept in the loop.
Today is a new day and I'm glad I didn't drink over this!
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Old 10-24-2020, 05:00 AM
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A big part of recovery, almost the only part, is to not drink when you really need a drink. Each time you do that you grow a little bit more, each time you take that drink, you lose, and lose a lot. I read the rest of your post, and I understand. Your relationships have sucked, probably more than anyone's. I'm very sorry for that. Just keep in mind that drinking won't make any of that better. I wish you the best.
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Old 10-24-2020, 08:17 AM
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Thank you, Driguy. A nap and a little time, not alcohol, made the rest of the day better.
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Old 10-24-2020, 08:33 AM
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Sometimes you just have to vent the suffering out loud in order to find a solution.
I have hope that today you find a way to ease you hardships.
Blessed Be
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Old 10-24-2020, 09:34 AM
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Erica, I understand keeping your secrets, your husband's secrets. It's very complicated, your relationship with him and his with you, throw the kids in there and now the dynamics are overwhelming, right? There's a whole lot to "unpack" there, as my therapist would say. And I would encourage you to find a good therapist too- they can help you through to healing. At least that's what mine has done for me; he's been like a guide, a sherpa.

In the meantime, now that you're through this visit, maybe give a think to what you might be able to say or do the very moment a conversation becomes uncomfortable for you. You might suddenly have the need to go make lemonade or you might change the topic out of the clear blue sky, or you might simply say, "This discussion is making me feel squeamish - I'd rather not hear some stranger's drama if you don't mind?"

The key is to notice what you are feeling and honor that. You don't need to share specifically what or why with anyone if you don't want to. Though I hope you do and am glad you did with us.

O

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Old 10-24-2020, 02:03 PM
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Erica,

Try to remind yourself that your daughters are so much younger and not as wise as you are. I listen to what my kids say and I sometimes tell them that their opinions and actions might be different some day when they have more history. I don’t share too many things with them that are so personal.

Later, you’ll be glad that you didn’t comment. Save that for when they really need you.
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Old 10-24-2020, 03:41 PM
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Erica375
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I have never said anything to my kids against their dad because the loved him, and he's not here to defend himself. I want my kids to be able to hold on to their good memories of him.
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Old 10-24-2020, 03:50 PM
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Good for you Erica
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Old 10-24-2020, 07:48 PM
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yes, there is a difference between keeping secrets, being private, and knowing who to share what with.
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