viabeautywithin

I did so well for over a month and then out of no where feeling insecure in my relationship I drank with girlfriends. Then again a week later. And then all weekend since Friday. I was inpaitent with my children last night and feel like my husband is disappointed in me although he did not mention he noticed I was drinking. Today is our first anniversary and I feel sad and incredibly anxious. He is taking me to a restaurant i've wanted to go to for years but seems less than excited and only planned that after I asked what he would like to do to celebrate. He seems to care very little. I'm not excelling at work and the lack of interaction with people at work now with covid is getting to me. The only thing that seems to relieve the anxiety briefly would be a stiff vodka. I think I could actually get myself put together for the day but know that tomorrow morning all this will be even worse. The month plus I was sober in August/September was hard fought but I made it while quarantined at home for covid. I was genuinely happy. I am terrified of ruining my marriage. The first was a disaster and I learned to use alcohol as a poor coping mechanism and this was encouraged by the ex prob bc this was the only time I would sleep with him. My husband now does not like me to drink. Our first year of marriage has been more difficult than either of us anticipated. Major Issues with the ex and co-parenting, combining homes, parenting two hostile boys. I'm rambling but don't know where to turn. I would very much like to not feel this way whether I need a drink or something else, I feel like I am losing it. How the hell did I relapse, it was like I didn't even care and enjoyed that first drink like it was nothing. I like hadn't just thrown away all my hard fought confidence. Like I wasn't in control.

LumenandNyx

Hi there,

I don't see in your post that you and your SO are very comfortable communicating openly about things. You might want to look at that in addition to the apparent fact that alcohol isn't doing you one little favor. So - you might consider not using it as a crutch anymore and instead - just show up to life. It's not nearly as hard as we make it out to be by overthinking it.

viabeautywithin

We do communicate more openly and honestly than any relationship i've had. I "hid" the drinking this weekend and hate that. He deserves better. All I can literally think about right now is a drink and the relief it would provide..... that is insane I understand that and yet the drive is unbearable. This truly is insanity and hell.

Gabe1980

Hey....I feel for you. I have been in that place many times of getting some hard won sober time and then relapsing. It just feel awful and like none of that work counted any more.

The truth is it does count. You have learned to be sober for that month, you must have coped with things that were challenging for you and you have got into a routine of not drinking. My advice would be to try and take a breath, stop freaking out and get back on the horse. Decide to try again, give it all you have and ditch the guilt as it will pull you back in.

You can do this, believe in yourself

Anna

The cravings are intense right now because you began drinking again. It's a cycle and it's how alcoholism controls us.

My suggestion is to sit down and come up with ideas that you believe would work for you when you are feeling overwhelmed. It might be exercise, specific music, going for a walk, calling a friend - but having a list of ideas at the ready will give you confidence that you can do this. Remember the cravings will lessen each time you get through one. Time and patience.

Be123

I stopped drinking earlier this year and was overwhelmed by the idea of getting through a day, it seemed so long. People gave me this advice and it annoyed me, I felt I couldn't face a life of struggling with cravings.

Happily for me the advice was sound. Quite quickly the cravings got easier. There only is one thing to do and that is to stay sober today. No matter how hard it is, because it will get easier over time. Just stay sober today and then make a plan of how you'll stay sober tomorrow

Hang in there, success is within your grasp

LumenandNyx

Okay.

As to your wanting to drink right now - my guess is this is likely due to the fact that your brain and body are still feeling the residual effects of alcohol from your weekend binge. That sensation you're experiencing is similar to teasing a mosquito bite that already itches horribly. The longer you go without putting alcohol in your body, the faster it can begin to recover.

Leave the sauce alone. You're going to have to find ways to distract yourself from drinking. Do whatever it takes - regardless how ridiculous it seems - as long as it's not harmful.

tambdy

Keep at it, you will eventually get there. It took me until about 3 months before I lost all cravings. If I did get cravings I woild think about all the people who are proud of me and what they would think.

Well over a year now and it is worth it.

Dee74

Hey viabeautywithin

That nagging idea that only a drink can help make things bearable or tolerable is simply going to keep you in this unhappy place.

To make change we have to make changes.

Believe in yourself. You’ve stopped drinking before - you can again. You have to - this current existence isn’t sustainable, right?

use the support here - we believe in you too .

You can do this!

D

newhope01

It took me an incredible amount of time to stay quit for good. I battled anxiety and depression as well and looking back I can clearly see how the drinking compounded those two health issues I had. Couldn’t really see it at the time though. Alcohol really clouds one’s judgement.

I would try, mess it up, try again, mess it up again... and so on. I joined here over 10 years ago and I didn’t get sober for good until 2 years ago. A lot of it had to do with my daughter but also a lot of it had to do with not wanting to live that way anymore. Something finally switched in my head and I found reasons to not pick up even when I really wanted to.

I remember wanting to drink incredibly bad during the Christmas I was pregnant. The only thing that held me back was my tiny daughter growing inside. I couldn’t imagine forcing alcohol into her system. Maybe you can think outside of yourself and ask who is being affected by your drinking. You ultimately have to do it for yourself but it helps to remember you aren’t the only one you are hurting. You mentioned you got kiddos, maybe think about their future and what kind of life you want to model for them.

You sound like you’re almost there, you just need that extra push. And if you can kick the booze for a good solid month than you got it in you to keep going. You have already proven you are more than capable.

You can do this. One day at a time. Hugs to you momma.