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Juz
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2020
Location: Adelaide South Australia
Posts: 3
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Hi there,
just joined the forum. It's been one hell of a year and I've been battling constantly it seems for so many years. I first became an alcoholic when I got really bad postman psychosis after my first baby girl was 6mths old.
I was fine and bonded with her so well before that but then felt absolutely nothing for her after 6mths. Even resentment 😢 it got so bad I'd imagine if something fell off the table she was crawling under where would it hit her!😩 but under no circumstances was I ever thinking of hurting her myself!!! The thoughts made me feel so ashamed and guilty that I hid from the beginning because your meant to be happy with your first baby right? She was such a good beautiful and happy baby too. Also they didn't know much about it as they do now back then. So when I had a drink all the bad feelings and thoughts went away for a while and I felt love for her and felt normal. Eventually I was drinking every day and something snapped in my head and all of a sudden I just couldn't stop after one drink. It ruined my relationship and then my partner left me for my best friend when Lily was 18mths old and my drinking spiraled out of control. Lily is 20 now and hasn't talked to me for three years.
ive been battling this crap substance for this long. I had 5 years sober and it was wonderful! I was surrounded with good friends and had and active life and was fit and healthy and had another baby girl to new partner when lily was 6. I ended up splitting up with that partner when I was 4mths pregnant so was a single mum and my little daughter was amazing and I was well. I was able to see lily again and we had a great relationship.
Then I married an extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive man when my second girl Poppy was 5 who turned out to be a functioning alcoholic. He ended up breaking me and I started drinking again. He'd hide alcohol in the house, the garden you name it and I'd find it and get triggered. His emotional abuse was disgusting and still is because unfortunately I still have to deal with him because we have a 7yr old son Angus together. He was also extremely emotionally abusive to my daughter Poppy. Poppy's dad had committed suicide and all she wanted was a new dad but my husband was horrible to her.
so anyway it's been I long battle with this evil substance that tricks your mind into thinking all kinds of reasons and excuses to just have 'one drink' when things get hard and things have been the hardest this year that I've ever had to go through especially with this Covid and my support system disintegrating.
I end up getting such bad withdrawals even after relapsing once now that I've been hospitalised three times and had to go to detox three times this year. Suicidal thoughts when drinking just wanting to end the pain and pit I fall into when I drink. Everything goes out the window and it destroys all I love.
I relapsed after 10days sober and got through it with my doctor who is brilliant but this is my last chance. If I don't have Valium for withdrawal I need to be hospitalised. You'd think that would be enough of a wake up call!!
anyway today is my 4th day sober and I need to change and need help to talk to people like yourselves that have been here and learn to get through the triggers and cravings that happen in early stages of stopping but get less as time goes on.
it's been so great being sober with my kids and waking up clear headed and not shacking and anxiety out of control. I have a great go, a great psychologist, a DASSA councillor and two social workers and about to have my first appointment with a lady that specialises supporting single mums in the community with substance abuse.
I had to forcefully kick my abusive husband out 4years ago but he still holds our son as a ransom and a way to hurt and control me. He drinks every day but I have no way to prove it. He even denies he's ever abused me at all and I "fell" all the time when he pushed me down a hill, into walls and slammed my head against the concrete driveway. It will be our 10 year anniversary at the end of November.
i need to be strong and would love to hear from others how they battled this horrid disease.
anyway that's me. Sorry for the long message.
bugjamm
just joined the forum. It's been one hell of a year and I've been battling constantly it seems for so many years. I first became an alcoholic when I got really bad postman psychosis after my first baby girl was 6mths old.
I was fine and bonded with her so well before that but then felt absolutely nothing for her after 6mths. Even resentment 😢 it got so bad I'd imagine if something fell off the table she was crawling under where would it hit her!😩 but under no circumstances was I ever thinking of hurting her myself!!! The thoughts made me feel so ashamed and guilty that I hid from the beginning because your meant to be happy with your first baby right? She was such a good beautiful and happy baby too. Also they didn't know much about it as they do now back then. So when I had a drink all the bad feelings and thoughts went away for a while and I felt love for her and felt normal. Eventually I was drinking every day and something snapped in my head and all of a sudden I just couldn't stop after one drink. It ruined my relationship and then my partner left me for my best friend when Lily was 18mths old and my drinking spiraled out of control. Lily is 20 now and hasn't talked to me for three years.
ive been battling this crap substance for this long. I had 5 years sober and it was wonderful! I was surrounded with good friends and had and active life and was fit and healthy and had another baby girl to new partner when lily was 6. I ended up splitting up with that partner when I was 4mths pregnant so was a single mum and my little daughter was amazing and I was well. I was able to see lily again and we had a great relationship.
Then I married an extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive man when my second girl Poppy was 5 who turned out to be a functioning alcoholic. He ended up breaking me and I started drinking again. He'd hide alcohol in the house, the garden you name it and I'd find it and get triggered. His emotional abuse was disgusting and still is because unfortunately I still have to deal with him because we have a 7yr old son Angus together. He was also extremely emotionally abusive to my daughter Poppy. Poppy's dad had committed suicide and all she wanted was a new dad but my husband was horrible to her.
so anyway it's been I long battle with this evil substance that tricks your mind into thinking all kinds of reasons and excuses to just have 'one drink' when things get hard and things have been the hardest this year that I've ever had to go through especially with this Covid and my support system disintegrating.
I end up getting such bad withdrawals even after relapsing once now that I've been hospitalised three times and had to go to detox three times this year. Suicidal thoughts when drinking just wanting to end the pain and pit I fall into when I drink. Everything goes out the window and it destroys all I love.
I relapsed after 10days sober and got through it with my doctor who is brilliant but this is my last chance. If I don't have Valium for withdrawal I need to be hospitalised. You'd think that would be enough of a wake up call!!
anyway today is my 4th day sober and I need to change and need help to talk to people like yourselves that have been here and learn to get through the triggers and cravings that happen in early stages of stopping but get less as time goes on.
it's been so great being sober with my kids and waking up clear headed and not shacking and anxiety out of control. I have a great go, a great psychologist, a DASSA councillor and two social workers and about to have my first appointment with a lady that specialises supporting single mums in the community with substance abuse.
I had to forcefully kick my abusive husband out 4years ago but he still holds our son as a ransom and a way to hurt and control me. He drinks every day but I have no way to prove it. He even denies he's ever abused me at all and I "fell" all the time when he pushed me down a hill, into walls and slammed my head against the concrete driveway. It will be our 10 year anniversary at the end of November.
i need to be strong and would love to hear from others how they battled this horrid disease.
anyway that's me. Sorry for the long message.
bugjamm
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Glad to meet you, bug. I'm so sorry for all the painful things you've been through. I'm glad you realize alcohol is only going to bring you more misery. I remember thinking it was calming me down - but it ended up doubling my anxiety & stress. Please know that you're not alone. Congrats on your 4 sober days - you can do it!
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