MidnightBlue

Hi SR family!

Usually I write my anniversary post right on October 14 - because it's a day so special that no other day can beat it - not even my Birthday. Because my real Bday - it's something I was given, and it's a fact that can't be changed.

My sobriety day - that is another story. This is my choice, my decision, my will.

Before I write about the difference 8 years without alcohol have made in my life, I want to say my wholehearted and huge THANK YOU to the SR community which has been an unparallel support all the way - from early days when I couldn't imagine my life without a glass of wine to the later on when I embarked on "no sugar journey" and faced dealing with the most traumatic memories and aftermaths stemming from the past.

I never was a part of any other support group rather than SR. No AA. I am a die-hard atheist and no matter how I frame "higher power" it still makes no sense to me.

Support of people who know what I am going through and provide words of wisdom and zero judgement - that's is extremely powerful force for sure.

This year I had so much on my plate on October 14 that I had to postpone the post a few days later.

With every year in sobriety comes yet another gain, another discovery of strength, another layer hidden somewhere deep inside.

First it was making an entire year without a drink. Unbelievable.

And taking on a new hobby (boxing).

Taking on another bout of gut-wrenching therapy to finally address the crippling trauma.

Dealing with debts and banks.

Buying my own apartment.

Quitting sugar. Any kind of added sugar.

Getting a new job.

Quitting a job.

Starting a new relationships.

Having a break-up and recovering from it.

Having a better job.



All this time alcohol stayed out of the picture. Not an option.

I surely missed many things in this list - things which once were in the category "No way I can do it" and then relocating to "No big deal".

This year I want to talk not so much about the achievements, more of a mental shift.

Despite of all my gains in sobriety there is a shadow which has been following me for as long as I remember myself.

Dark shadow of inadequacy.

Like - there are regular "adequate" people, and there is me.

It's hard to live when the entire world, life events and emotional experiences are seen through this prism.

Every mundane task seems harder because I feel like I am wearing an "inadequacy
stamp on my forehead, and wherever I go - everyone can see it, and it's a sign that I can be treated like I have no right...basically for anything. Like I am always at someone else's mercy, and standing my ground, and even pushing my agenda is totally inappropriate, because I am "inadequate" - who I am to claim my right for anything?

I've been living with this belief for so long that until recently I didn't even question it - I just acted on it. If I screw up - it's my fault, if someone else screws up - it's somehow my fault too. Exhausting.

Surely, in my wining days being hangover and constantly feeling life a failure didn't help with feeling "adequate".

A note on logic. Logic doesn't work here. All the long talks with myself providing reason why it's not true proved to be useless every time I found myself in a real-life situation.

When living in my "inadequate skin" became intolerable enough to push me out of my proverbial action zone, I started with small actions. Behaving like I am not flowed, broken, "discounted", but like a "regular" human being without this burden on my shoulder.

It was one of the scariest things to do. Even though I don't believe in mystical powers, I was haunted by primal irrational fear that someone will notice it "Well, well. So, you think you are a "normal", ha? It's time to show you your place".

But I made a deal with myself - whatever happens, however "weird" I may be or seem, I am not tolerating being treated like a subpar human being.

I started asking myself "What would I do if I didn't feel inadequate?"

Long story short, some time ago I got a major issue with the central heating. Some pipe, which runs to my apartment, was leaking. And the management company which is supposed to take care of these issues at our apartment building wasn't in a big hurry to fix it. They just shut down the heating for my apartment when I wasn't even there. Genius. No note "Dear so and so, please contact us ASAP", no nothing.

I got to know about this accidentally from one of my neighbors.

Over ten days I did my best to solve it directly with the management company. Very modest effect. Then I filed two complains to relevant authorities. Plumbers showed up within a day, on Sunday, at 9 a.m. when I was still enjoying my morning coffee. They fixed it.

A girl from the management company called me politely asking to go to the website where I filed the complain and confirm that my issue has been taken care of.

The truth is that sometimes I need to demand being respected, sometimes I need to act out of "I'd rather be feared than liked" place (I am choosing being feared as a complainer in a warm apartment over being liked as a "nice girl" in a cold apartment anytime).



It's much easier to stand my ground when I am sober, clear-headed, and concern about rotating stores where I buy wine is not the predominantly obsessive thought which attacks my mind.

Letting go of my "inadequacy' story is one of the hardest thing for sure.

Now when I notice that I gravitate to an "emotionally comfortable" way to deal with the situation (read: avoid any type of conflict and tolerate what shouldn't be tolerated), I register this, and then deliberately choose the opposite way. What would make me feel most uncomfortable, like I am dying of embarrassment and fear? Unless "they are going to eat me or kill me" I am choosing that situation. Just the fact that I am consciously choosing it, not being forced by circumstances, gives a huge boost to self-respect and self-trust.

Making progress in this direction is one of my biggest wins in sobriety so far.

I realize that my post is not about unicorns and rainbows, gratitude and bliss.

And what I really want to say with all this:

If at the moment you feel inadequate, unworthy, beyond repair, scared of the world - it really can be changed. You can change it. And the first step on this path is clear - say NO to a drink.



Say Yes to yourself - to the life you really want to live, not which you tolerate out of feeling of unworthiness.



Have a great day, everyone!

Anna

Congratulations on achieving 8 years of recovery, MidnightBlue.

SoberLeigh

Well done, my friend, MidnightBlue.

You are a true inspiration.

Hodd

Sounds all positive to me.

i’m six years behind you, but I’ve said sobriety brings pleasant surprises. I bet you didn’t think you’d take up boxing back in the drinking days. That’s quite a brave choice but definitely a hobby which doesn’t mix with drinking. What a great choice’

Drinking brings a predictable boring future of sorrow and bad health. Sobriety makes amazing things happen. Another great example right here. Thanks MB!

least

Big congrats and hugs on reaching 8 yrs sober! And thank you for the thought provoking post.

Reid82

Great job on 8 years sober.

Dee74

Thank you for sharing this.
congratulations on eight years MidnightBlue!

I hope this year is the best yet!
D

gypsytears

Congratulations and thank you for sharing.

Hevyn

8 years....how wonderful is that?! So happy for you, Midnight.

lunar

This is an awe-inspiring milestone, MB.

Thank you for your post and congratulations!

Stellar stuff!

MythOfSisyphus

I loved reading your post, MidnightBlue! Partly it's become we're fellow Octoberists, I think we joined without a couple weeks of each other! Along this road we walk it seems that so many stumble or quit. So many folks that joined years ago have left or stopped posting. So congrats! Eight years is amazing, and life changing! So many of the things you describe are things I've also had to face. In the beginning sobriety seemed like it was enough, but once that gets to be "old hat" then we have to learn all over how to be human. So yeah, our sober day kind of is a birthday!

Congrats, MB! That is amazing! Here's to the next eight years, and all the challenges and new discoveries to be made!

tornrealization

I absolutely love posts like this. I’m 1.75 years sober and honest down to earth observations and experiences from people sober for a good period of time keep me inspired to continue on my own journey.

I really can relate to that feeling of trying to being the complainer in a warm apartment vs. the nice girl in the cold one. I’m growing my backbone and confidence and being sober had been absolutely key to even having that opportunity to grow. Always feeling inadequate and going out of my way to ensure others don’t have to be uncomfortable even when it’s not my fault they are uncomfortable, is a burden I’m currently going through. I read your story and it keeps personally helps me see that what I’m thinking, the track I’m on is absolutely attainable and not a problem that only I have experienced.

Congratulations on 8 years!

MidnightBlue

Thank you so much for congratulations and kind words, friends!

Hodd

I/we should be thanking you, MB.

When I first cut down and finally quit for good (touch wood), I assumed I’d be to have a few months or maybe a year of sober time and then carry on as a moderate or occasional drinker. There is nothing formally written down anywhere to say this isn’t possible. I told my GP I was dependent on alcohol, but at no point did they say I’d have to quit for good.

The make up of our brains is altered forever by the years of drinking. Those changes won’t ever be reversed. It’s not surprising therefore that our brains will react to any further alcohol and tell your body it needs more, even years or decades later.

But I only figured all this out from this forum and further reading. It’s not a problem to not drink ever again, but without hearing of the good/bad experiences of others, I’d have attempted moderation and wondered why I’d struggled so much.

So it’s not a one-off to quit drinking. It’s a lifelong mindset as we can see from MB’s great post.

brighterday1234

Congratulations on 8 years sober! 🙏

Gabe1980

Brilliant! Well done

DriGuy

If you want to quit drinking, atheism poses no barrier to recovery. Alcoholism is an addiction. It is a combination of habituation and chemical dependence. It is not a moral or spiritual shortcoming. It transcends society and affects the most ardent believer, the most confirmed non believer, and it does so equally. If it were a lack of spirituality, then a larger percentage of the atheist population should suffer from alcoholism than the faithful. While I have heard claims that a higher power is necessary to recovery, I have not seen any scientific data or sociological metric that supports such a claim.

The problem of alcoholism is different than most problems in life we encounter, which is part of the reason so many cannot solve their drinking problem. Like you, I could not logically think my way out of alcoholism. Recovering alcoholics have all discovered that the cure is to quit drinking. Logic, spirituality, and other processes can be interwoven into the process, but they are secondary to grabbing the bull by the horns and quitting. This is strictly a behavioral response that has to happen. It is not an emotional, spiritual, or logic based endeavor. While behavioral changes are not easy to make, they are not beyond us. It only seems like it is because we are unfamiliar with them. We want to default back to our usual methods, which don't work with alcoholism.


Agreed. Oddly, I found that support in AA, because that was way back when before other methods of recovery had become known, although as an atheist, I did experience some judgement from others in degrees that varied from person to person. But most of the group wanted me to get better, and I picked up many useful tips in discussions on how to deal with certain issues, tips that were just nuts and bolts without the addition of spirituality.

The point is that a support group was important for me, even if I didn't buy into the ideological intentions. But this may not be true for everyone. I recall one of us saying in this forum that face to face contact with recovering alcoholics made no difference to him. Once again, we are not all the same. We just have a common problem.

This happened in recovery, and from what you describe, it sounds like you built on what you learned about solving your drinking problem. You made some behavioral changes. But you have to admit there was also logic involved that led you to decide to make those behavior changes. Logic and behavioral tools fit in our toolbox nicely together.

Congratulations on your eight years, and even more congratulations on all the progress you have made during that time. This is a classic example of the old adage, "You can't just put the plug in the jug." Actually, as in the case of most bumper sticker philosophy, such adages are a mixture of truth and fiction. You can just put the plug in the jug and do OK, but if that's all you do, you will miss a lot of the good stuff that comes after that.

That was a powerful post you made. I'm happy I read it.

Culture

Congratulations on 8 years MidnightBlue. Really glad to hear your story by the way.

MidnightBlue

Thank you again, friends.

Myth - So great to see you! Our Octsobers Class of 2012 always stirs such poignant feelings, so many struggles and milestones shared.

Hodd - I am happy that my experience can be of use for others who are on the sobriety journey.

I remember when I was about two weeks sober and even 3 months seemed like eternity. And, yes, back then I didn't really plan to quit for good. It was too much for me to process. I secretly thought that I would make it to 90 days, "straighten my drinking pattern up", and when will go back to "drinking in moderation". Gladly I changed my mind.

So, I remember at that time lurking at the thread for the members who made it a year and beyond. And I was thinking "They must just a different breed. I doubt they really liked wine/other drink of choice in the first place, They were probably just "flirting" with it and at some point got carried too far away".

One of the most important shifts was to create a "new normal" - my own "normal" which is not dependent on what is commonly perceived as "normal", but what works best for me.


Thank you for such a profound response, DriGuy.

It's interesting that you put behavioural change as the key element to recovery.

A couple of months ago I stumbled upon a very interesting podcast with a renowned neuroscientist. He said something like "When we want to shift the way we function it's foolish to think that we can do it by changing our thoughts first. It's behavior first. Thoughts, feelings, and perceptions follow".

Surely it's important to educate myself so that I can choose from better options, but it's behavior that puts me into the emotional bracket of moving forward, feeling the possibility of change, creating tangible progress I can lean on when things get tough. It really works.

DriGuy

Back when I was studying and practicing this stuff, psychologists and counselors were more or less from one of two camps, and there was an ongoing debate over which one was the most effective. There were the behaviorists and the humanists, and some even thought their way was the only way. I'm not sure where the disagreements stand today. The behaviorists were into forced changes, often forced by an outside expert, and exemplified and exaggerated by the movie, A Clockwork Orange. The humanists were the talking cure people, and the humanists sometimes referred to the behaviorists as the rat psychologists (training rats to press the lever on the left by rewarding it with a food pellet), and I was in that camp, although not quite so hostile. But early on in my own self seeking, I discovered the value of forced behavior change, done on my own without help. What I found interesting was that both methods ended up in the same places. Except forced changes led to insights, while insights led to behavior changes. But the approaches are way different.

With getting rid of my addiction, behavior change was more effective for me. I'll guess the reason is that talking cures and self searching are a minefields of self deception and rationalization that can sabotage our best efforts. This is what the AV or alcoholic voice is all about. It's us working against our own best interests in very convincing ways. Behaviorism by passes that.

So I'm rather fond of forced behavior change when it comes to our drinking, but I also think this needs to be followed up with some serious thought, education, and self analysis, and a good source of education is not necessarily academic, but from those of us who have been there.