Been a long time
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Been a long time
Hi all,
I posted about 10 months ago for the first time regarding my ABF and the breakdown of the relationship. I can't thank you enough every single one of you for being there for me during my time of need. I had a brief read through what I wrote back then it's frightening how distraught I was at the time. I try to pay it forward by attending SMART F&F which has also been a boon for me, and still learn a lot from going every week. I also attend a once monthly meeting for people who work in similar settings to mine and again it has been so helpful. I think the thing which I have really learnt is help is out there if you seek it and there is no shame in reaching out.
Where I am at the moment is pretty good. I have been in my new job for about 3 months now and enjoying it for the most part. I work in healthcare so the second incoming wave is making everyone anxious but I am more prepared than ever mentally to deal with what comes thanks to everything from last year. The sense of we are in it all together is still there which is weirdly a good thing which has come out from all of this. I have moved out and I am living on my own which has been again the right decision for me mentally and learning to place those boundaries (physical or otherwise) has been again a life lesson for me.
My boyfriend is still going to AA every week (he is nearing one year now) and has been with his sponsor for about 8 months now. He seems well but I am very aware he could be hiding for all I know. Right now I am trying to navigate my own feelings of trust with regards to him. My feeling is he has "seen the light" but I don't know if the damage from last year is something which I can recover from fully. Or if I can't recover from, at least deal with it in a healthy way. Having that distance has helped me be a bit more selfish which is a good thing!
It's a bit of a weird time for me because it was around this time when things started to fall apart and I guess I am suffering from a weird but mild form of PTSD regarding autumn. I'll just keep on keeping on and keep telling myself that it is me catastrophising. I am aware that I have become a bit more distant from my ABF as a result (work and other commitments aside). I guess I was wondering if I can hear from people who have managed to get over these sorts of "humps". I was thinking of maybe couples counselling? I think the relationship is salvageable but I think it needs a bit more work from me and from him.
I posted about 10 months ago for the first time regarding my ABF and the breakdown of the relationship. I can't thank you enough every single one of you for being there for me during my time of need. I had a brief read through what I wrote back then it's frightening how distraught I was at the time. I try to pay it forward by attending SMART F&F which has also been a boon for me, and still learn a lot from going every week. I also attend a once monthly meeting for people who work in similar settings to mine and again it has been so helpful. I think the thing which I have really learnt is help is out there if you seek it and there is no shame in reaching out.
Where I am at the moment is pretty good. I have been in my new job for about 3 months now and enjoying it for the most part. I work in healthcare so the second incoming wave is making everyone anxious but I am more prepared than ever mentally to deal with what comes thanks to everything from last year. The sense of we are in it all together is still there which is weirdly a good thing which has come out from all of this. I have moved out and I am living on my own which has been again the right decision for me mentally and learning to place those boundaries (physical or otherwise) has been again a life lesson for me.
My boyfriend is still going to AA every week (he is nearing one year now) and has been with his sponsor for about 8 months now. He seems well but I am very aware he could be hiding for all I know. Right now I am trying to navigate my own feelings of trust with regards to him. My feeling is he has "seen the light" but I don't know if the damage from last year is something which I can recover from fully. Or if I can't recover from, at least deal with it in a healthy way. Having that distance has helped me be a bit more selfish which is a good thing!
It's a bit of a weird time for me because it was around this time when things started to fall apart and I guess I am suffering from a weird but mild form of PTSD regarding autumn. I'll just keep on keeping on and keep telling myself that it is me catastrophising. I am aware that I have become a bit more distant from my ABF as a result (work and other commitments aside). I guess I was wondering if I can hear from people who have managed to get over these sorts of "humps". I was thinking of maybe couples counselling? I think the relationship is salvageable but I think it needs a bit more work from me and from him.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello Kokoro, it's good to see you, and see you doing so well 
I went to couples counseling with my ex-husband prior to the divorce. My experience is that it can be successful, if both people are willing to put in the work. My ex was not willing to put in the work. One major take way from my time in couples therapy was honesty--with self and other. Could you really and truly learn to trust your partner again, or would there always be something that each would drag back into future arguments? For me, it was whether or not I could forgive my husband's infidelity. If not, it wouldn't be fair for me or him to move forward together. Truthfully, we never got that far because my ex would cancel appointments without telling me or simply not show up.
Listen to your own feelings. Journaling helped me a lot with that! You are in a stronger and more confident place to make the best decisions for yourself going forward!
I went to couples counseling with my ex-husband prior to the divorce. My experience is that it can be successful, if both people are willing to put in the work. My ex was not willing to put in the work. One major take way from my time in couples therapy was honesty--with self and other. Could you really and truly learn to trust your partner again, or would there always be something that each would drag back into future arguments? For me, it was whether or not I could forgive my husband's infidelity. If not, it wouldn't be fair for me or him to move forward together. Truthfully, we never got that far because my ex would cancel appointments without telling me or simply not show up.
Listen to your own feelings. Journaling helped me a lot with that! You are in a stronger and more confident place to make the best decisions for yourself going forward!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I haven't been to couples counselling but you know, what other choice do you have?
These feelings you have aren't going anywhere true? So help may be required. You could go it alone and seek your own personal counselling to see where your roadblocks are (for lack of a better term) but how helpful would that be without his side being taken care of as well?
If you do decide to do this, I hope you will find a therapist with a lot of experience with addictions as well, so they can truly understand where you (and he) are coming from.
These feelings you have aren't going anywhere true? So help may be required. You could go it alone and seek your own personal counselling to see where your roadblocks are (for lack of a better term) but how helpful would that be without his side being taken care of as well?
If you do decide to do this, I hope you will find a therapist with a lot of experience with addictions as well, so they can truly understand where you (and he) are coming from.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kokoro------I want to mention, to you, something that I think is especially important for a woman. I noted, in one of your posts, last year, the subject of your wanting children.
I agree that it is very important for you to think of the "big picture" of your life, and your future.
It is important, in my opinion, to be keenly aware of the chance of relapses in the life of an alcoholic. And, of course, you already know that alcoholism is progressive.
You already know what life is like when an alcoholic relapsed---even after many years of abstainence. You have already been down that road.
Here are the facts----as hard as it can be to live with a practicing alcoholic---the stakes become exponentially greater when a child/children are a part of the picture. In fact, marriage becomes more challenging with the addition of children. lol---anyone who is married, with children can attest to that---even in the best of situations. In fact, with alcoholics, the advent of a child is often a trigger to drink More--not less. I have seen it many times, that it is a common trigger for relapse.
What I am saying, is, to be very careful about becoming pregnant when you are considering the big picture of your life, if you want to have the best chance for an enduring and stable family life.
Another thing that jumped out at me, as you describe your feelings. You have said that he is the sweetest guy in the world---and that he is very kind "in a cruel world".
I agree that these are wonderful qualities---ones that I consider to be very desirable, also. Most alcoholics do have some good and endearing qualities. or we wouldn't be attracted to them in the first place.
I will challenge this by saying----there are millions of guys that are as sweet as him and as kind. Guys that have these same qualities---but, won't drag you down the path of *ell, in addition.
I am being very blunt with you, because I don't want you to ever look back and say that nobody ever warned you of where the pitfalls are. I think you deserve it to yourself to make very well informed decisions.
You are still young, and will have more than one chance at love, if you want it. Love is great---one probably wouldn't
t want a marriage without it---but, the reality of this complicated world is that we don't always get to keep everyone that we have loved. Sometimes, we have to just love from a distance. We don't necessarily have to stop loving, but, we don't have to become a sacrifice to it, either.
We are all responsible for our choices in life, and, we all have to deal with the consequences, whatever they are/
I agree that it is very important for you to think of the "big picture" of your life, and your future.
It is important, in my opinion, to be keenly aware of the chance of relapses in the life of an alcoholic. And, of course, you already know that alcoholism is progressive.
You already know what life is like when an alcoholic relapsed---even after many years of abstainence. You have already been down that road.
Here are the facts----as hard as it can be to live with a practicing alcoholic---the stakes become exponentially greater when a child/children are a part of the picture. In fact, marriage becomes more challenging with the addition of children. lol---anyone who is married, with children can attest to that---even in the best of situations. In fact, with alcoholics, the advent of a child is often a trigger to drink More--not less. I have seen it many times, that it is a common trigger for relapse.
What I am saying, is, to be very careful about becoming pregnant when you are considering the big picture of your life, if you want to have the best chance for an enduring and stable family life.
Another thing that jumped out at me, as you describe your feelings. You have said that he is the sweetest guy in the world---and that he is very kind "in a cruel world".
I agree that these are wonderful qualities---ones that I consider to be very desirable, also. Most alcoholics do have some good and endearing qualities. or we wouldn't be attracted to them in the first place.
I will challenge this by saying----there are millions of guys that are as sweet as him and as kind. Guys that have these same qualities---but, won't drag you down the path of *ell, in addition.
I am being very blunt with you, because I don't want you to ever look back and say that nobody ever warned you of where the pitfalls are. I think you deserve it to yourself to make very well informed decisions.
You are still young, and will have more than one chance at love, if you want it. Love is great---one probably wouldn't
t want a marriage without it---but, the reality of this complicated world is that we don't always get to keep everyone that we have loved. Sometimes, we have to just love from a distance. We don't necessarily have to stop loving, but, we don't have to become a sacrifice to it, either.
We are all responsible for our choices in life, and, we all have to deal with the consequences, whatever they are/
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hi everyone. Apologies I am on my phone so can't directly quote.
@Seren I think my partner would be open to going. We talked about it before but I decided against pursuing it because I felt that it was too soon
@trailmix it's funny, I attended my group yesterday and the topic was of unconditional trust and whether that was realistic. I am still a bit on the fence about it and I know it is all down to time that trust comes back.
@dandylion That is something which I am very aware of. Domestic violence goes up during pregnancy so why wouldn't the chance for relapse be the same afterall. I am...worried and that in turn makes me sad. I feel like I am torn between my compassion to not write off all alcoholics as unworthy of being in a relationship once in recovery but also my own protection of my emotions.
@Seren I think my partner would be open to going. We talked about it before but I decided against pursuing it because I felt that it was too soon
@trailmix it's funny, I attended my group yesterday and the topic was of unconditional trust and whether that was realistic. I am still a bit on the fence about it and I know it is all down to time that trust comes back.
@dandylion That is something which I am very aware of. Domestic violence goes up during pregnancy so why wouldn't the chance for relapse be the same afterall. I am...worried and that in turn makes me sad. I feel like I am torn between my compassion to not write off all alcoholics as unworthy of being in a relationship once in recovery but also my own protection of my emotions.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kokoro-----I am a PA--and, at one time I worked at a woman's hospital. On the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital, we had extra security, due to the number of partners/husbands who came, who were very obviously intoxicated. (they were only asked to leave if they were very noticibly drunk or were causing upset). I felt so sorry for the women who usually seemed very embarrassed or upset. I wanted to cry for them---as a person who has delivered three children, I know that this is a time that a woman needs a supportive partner more than any other time!
Pregnancy and delivery and the post partum period (not to mention the responsibilities of raising a child) is an emotional time, and the alcoholics seem to use this as an excuse to drink More--rather than choosing sobriety as an act of good parenthood. I have had so many women tell me that "He said that he would quit drinking when the baby came--and, I believed him".
Another sad scenario was that of the women who had to come to deliver the baby alone, because the father was too drunk to come along.
This should be a time of beautiful and happy memories, that one will carry for a lifetime.
Pregnancy and delivery and the post partum period (not to mention the responsibilities of raising a child) is an emotional time, and the alcoholics seem to use this as an excuse to drink More--rather than choosing sobriety as an act of good parenthood. I have had so many women tell me that "He said that he would quit drinking when the baby came--and, I believed him".
Another sad scenario was that of the women who had to come to deliver the baby alone, because the father was too drunk to come along.
This should be a time of beautiful and happy memories, that one will carry for a lifetime.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
...marriage becomes more challenging with the addition of children......there are millions of guys that are as sweet as him and as kind. Guys that have these same qualities---but, won't drag you down the path of *ell, in addition.
Some of the most helpful questions for me have been:
Why this man?
What in me resonates so deeply with this man?
Is this something in myself that is hard wired or is this something in myself that I have a voice about?
What is the persistent presence of this man trying to show me?
What is my opportunity here?
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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@dandylion I am very aware of this happening (in healthcare too!). Because I am in healthcare I have seen success stories as well. You just need to pop over to the other forums on here to see it. I completely understand there are two sides to the coin here but
..there are two sides. I feel as a healthcare practitioner it would be wrong of me to write people off in recovery, and in the same vein, my abf too. If anything this experience has taught me alot for my job too (I actually advocated for someone to go to rehab recently hah!). I really really do appreciate the concern though honestly. I just think sometimes on this forum there needs to be a pinch of salt taken. People come here when they are desperate much like I did but if things are going well may not be so inclined to post? I think for me I just need to focus on what @seren said which is can I trust him again.
@fallenangelina I have done alot of contemplating around this question. I have been brought up culturally.to be codependent and have worked on it alot this year. Living away and making my own shots has been such a boon I don't want to give that up ever. I feel by having had that distance from him has helped me but also helped him being more self actualised.
I had a conversation with my ABF yesterday about how I felt. He actually said he completely understands my feelings regarding trust. He said he would be really surprised if even in the next 5 years I trust him completely which took me aback. This is so so so different from how he was a year ago. A year ago he would have just been inpatient and ask me why I have I not gotten over it. Cautiously optimistic but I am going to keep on building my life for me. I am too protective of my happiness right now!
..there are two sides. I feel as a healthcare practitioner it would be wrong of me to write people off in recovery, and in the same vein, my abf too. If anything this experience has taught me alot for my job too (I actually advocated for someone to go to rehab recently hah!). I really really do appreciate the concern though honestly. I just think sometimes on this forum there needs to be a pinch of salt taken. People come here when they are desperate much like I did but if things are going well may not be so inclined to post? I think for me I just need to focus on what @seren said which is can I trust him again.
@fallenangelina I have done alot of contemplating around this question. I have been brought up culturally.to be codependent and have worked on it alot this year. Living away and making my own shots has been such a boon I don't want to give that up ever. I feel by having had that distance from him has helped me but also helped him being more self actualised.
I had a conversation with my ABF yesterday about how I felt. He actually said he completely understands my feelings regarding trust. He said he would be really surprised if even in the next 5 years I trust him completely which took me aback. This is so so so different from how he was a year ago. A year ago he would have just been inpatient and ask me why I have I not gotten over it. Cautiously optimistic but I am going to keep on building my life for me. I am too protective of my happiness right now!
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kokoro-----just to clarify my intentions---which is to point out the realities of potential challenges of parenting with a recovering alcoholic---especially, since having children is something that you seem to be looking forward to, My intention is to be of support to you----in the sense of preparing yourself for ANY eventuality that Might come about.
I would never advocate writing off someone who is in recovery. The way that I look at it, it is not about "writing off" the other person---but, more like knowing one's own self to the extent that one can make informed decisions about what they feel like they can or would want to have in their future. Of course, we can never be clairvoyant enough to know what things our futures might hold---but, we do the best that we can---lol.
I would like to say that I respect the life of every person and am not sitting in judgement of any person, alcoholic, or not----as I do not have that right.
for several years, I was the medical coordinator of an alcoholism program for a large healthcare organization. As such, I cared for hundreds of alcoholics. A job that Ioved! So, I have known alcoholics at every level--every stage.. As a matter of fact---I really prefer to say---"A Person with alcoholism"---than to just identify people as "just" alcoholics, first.
I see the condition of alcoholism as like an elevator that a person can get off at any point that they choose to.
Many ages ago--I was a nurse(before I ever became a PA) who began working on a psychiatric unit in a large hospital--it had an alcoholism section. I didn't know much about the condition at the time, except for the physical symptoms. I was fortunate that the staff had several long-recovering alcoholics---including psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. So, I was trained under them, as well as getting to know them, personally, as friends. some had years of genuine recovery under their belts. They earned my total respect and trust. They were some of the most honest and trustworthy and compassionate people that I have ever known. I learned so much about alcoholism and about life, from them.
Most of the people who come to this forum, tend to be in a crisis, in one way or another, due to a person or loved one, who has alcoholism, in their life. So, naturally, the focus of most of our responses are directed to the support of the loved one---and, not about their qualifier.
I would never advocate writing off someone who is in recovery. The way that I look at it, it is not about "writing off" the other person---but, more like knowing one's own self to the extent that one can make informed decisions about what they feel like they can or would want to have in their future. Of course, we can never be clairvoyant enough to know what things our futures might hold---but, we do the best that we can---lol.
I would like to say that I respect the life of every person and am not sitting in judgement of any person, alcoholic, or not----as I do not have that right.
for several years, I was the medical coordinator of an alcoholism program for a large healthcare organization. As such, I cared for hundreds of alcoholics. A job that Ioved! So, I have known alcoholics at every level--every stage.. As a matter of fact---I really prefer to say---"A Person with alcoholism"---than to just identify people as "just" alcoholics, first.
I see the condition of alcoholism as like an elevator that a person can get off at any point that they choose to.
Many ages ago--I was a nurse(before I ever became a PA) who began working on a psychiatric unit in a large hospital--it had an alcoholism section. I didn't know much about the condition at the time, except for the physical symptoms. I was fortunate that the staff had several long-recovering alcoholics---including psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. So, I was trained under them, as well as getting to know them, personally, as friends. some had years of genuine recovery under their belts. They earned my total respect and trust. They were some of the most honest and trustworthy and compassionate people that I have ever known. I learned so much about alcoholism and about life, from them.
Most of the people who come to this forum, tend to be in a crisis, in one way or another, due to a person or loved one, who has alcoholism, in their life. So, naturally, the focus of most of our responses are directed to the support of the loved one---and, not about their qualifier.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Thank you for this post and I hope you are finding your way toward clarity with your ABF. I'm happy to hear you are doing well and your BF also seems to be on the right path for now!
I am currently in a similar situation with my Alcoholic Fiancé, but he is not as far along as your ABF. My AF is almost 2 months sober and has been living in Sober House for men while working his outpatient program. He had been to a rehab facility 3 times prior to this situation. The other two times, he came back to our apartment after inpatient - didn't work!
So now, he is doing very well with his recovery so far - and seems like a different person. Of course, thoughts of "when can we get back to our relationship again/live together again" are creeping in for sure.
I can relate to the feelings of relief this new path brings, but also the fear of the unknown for us (the partners of alcoholics) and is this real this time? Can I trust this?
He and I recently started couples therapy too. It's definitely helpful. It's also apparent that there is always going to be the element of "can I trust him right now" if I choose to stay in the relationship. That will simply be part of our life together. I suppose it's on me to choose how I deal with THAT element of the relationship....I can only control my actions, choices, and reactions to my partner.
It's not a clear answer, and I think it never will be!
Does that make any sense??!
I am currently in a similar situation with my Alcoholic Fiancé, but he is not as far along as your ABF. My AF is almost 2 months sober and has been living in Sober House for men while working his outpatient program. He had been to a rehab facility 3 times prior to this situation. The other two times, he came back to our apartment after inpatient - didn't work!
So now, he is doing very well with his recovery so far - and seems like a different person. Of course, thoughts of "when can we get back to our relationship again/live together again" are creeping in for sure.
I can relate to the feelings of relief this new path brings, but also the fear of the unknown for us (the partners of alcoholics) and is this real this time? Can I trust this?
He and I recently started couples therapy too. It's definitely helpful. It's also apparent that there is always going to be the element of "can I trust him right now" if I choose to stay in the relationship. That will simply be part of our life together. I suppose it's on me to choose how I deal with THAT element of the relationship....I can only control my actions, choices, and reactions to my partner.
It's not a clear answer, and I think it never will be!
Does that make any sense??!
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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@dandylion : Oh I know you mean only the best. Your support to me and several others before me is invaluable and I know you were looking out for me 
I guess for me, something I have come to realise is well...I actually don't really want children right now. Being by myself has made centre more on myself again and I still have alot more travelling and adventure I want to do before I settle down 
I know I've hit 30 but I still have time. I have never been someone who eagerly wanted children, that's more my partner and having that space for myself has been such a good thing for me.
@strength28 I get it. I really do. I think for me what really helped was having distance and figuring out what I want at the end of the day. Hell I am even now figuring out if I am okay with living with the potential alarm bell being with my partner right now. It all comes back to me and thinking this way has been a gamechanger.
I guess for me, something I have come to realise is well...I actually don't really want children right now. Being by myself has made centre more on myself again and I still have alot more travelling and adventure I want to do before I settle down I know I've hit 30 but I still have time. I have never been someone who eagerly wanted children, that's more my partner and having that space for myself has been such a good thing for me.@strength28 I get it. I really do. I think for me what really helped was having distance and figuring out what I want at the end of the day. Hell I am even now figuring out if I am okay with living with the potential alarm bell being with my partner right now. It all comes back to me and thinking this way has been a gamechanger.
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