Rehab
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Rehab
My SO went to a intreatment rehab facility. Im happy, sad, anger and relieved he isnt here. Im happy that he is getting the help that he needs, Im sad because I miss him. I feel this is selfish. Because he needed to leave to get better. Im angry because its been 2 real years of excessive drinking. Me making excuses for him. And im extremely relieved that I don't have to wake up every day wondering what type of person I'm getting. The treatment facility recommended that I write to him while he is away. I just don't know what to say. I'd like to offer words of encouragement or tell him about how my day is going. Does anyone have any advice on what I should write to him?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I'm not sure sure that feeling sad because he isn't there is selfish? Sounds normal to me.
I understand your anger, reading between the lines I am guessing it's been a very, very long and hurtful two years. Just because he has his own challenge in being an alcoholic doesn't mean you are not entitled to have your own feelings and to feel them.
Your feelings and concerns and happiness are all just as important as his are. I hope you know that? This is an excellent time for you to focus on yourself (which you may not have for some time?) and think about how you feel and what you want to do and what makes you happy. Having an alcoholic in your house can make that alcoholism and that person the center of your life, it doesn't have to be that way and ideally it shouldn't be. His struggle his recovery are his, not yours.
So how about you? Have you been neglecting yourself?
As for writing, if you actually want to (you are not obligated to) how about keeping it light and friendly? You can tell him what's happening at work or a place you went to for lunch or progress on the new building down the block or whatever you would write to a friend. No need to discuss feelings or alcohol or any of that (unless you want to of course). What's your take on it?
I understand your anger, reading between the lines I am guessing it's been a very, very long and hurtful two years. Just because he has his own challenge in being an alcoholic doesn't mean you are not entitled to have your own feelings and to feel them.
Your feelings and concerns and happiness are all just as important as his are. I hope you know that? This is an excellent time for you to focus on yourself (which you may not have for some time?) and think about how you feel and what you want to do and what makes you happy. Having an alcoholic in your house can make that alcoholism and that person the center of your life, it doesn't have to be that way and ideally it shouldn't be. His struggle his recovery are his, not yours.
So how about you? Have you been neglecting yourself?
As for writing, if you actually want to (you are not obligated to) how about keeping it light and friendly? You can tell him what's happening at work or a place you went to for lunch or progress on the new building down the block or whatever you would write to a friend. No need to discuss feelings or alcohol or any of that (unless you want to of course). What's your take on it?
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by SaveHer 
I'm thinking, if you don't know what to say and you're feeling relieved that he's gone, do you have to write anything at all? Perhaps it would be nice for you to take some space and some time for yourself for a change.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm not sure sure that feeling sad because he isn't there is selfish? Sounds normal to me.
I understand your anger, reading between the lines I am guessing it's been a very, very long and hurtful two years. Just because he has his own challenge in being an alcoholic doesn't mean you are not entitled to have your own feelings and to feel them.
Your feelings and concerns and happiness are all just as important as his are. I hope you know that? This is an excellent time for you to focus on yourself (which you may not have for some time?) and think about how you feel and what you want to do and what makes you happy. Having an alcoholic in your house can make that alcoholism and that person the center of your life, it doesn't have to be that way and ideally it shouldn't be. His struggle his recovery are his, not yours.
So how about you? Have you been neglecting yourself?
As for writing, if you actually want to (you are not obligated to) how about keeping it light and friendly? You can tell him what's happening at work or a place you went to for lunch or progress on the new building down the block or whatever you would write to a friend. No need to discuss feelings or alcohol or any of that (unless you want to of course). What's your take on it?
I understand your anger, reading between the lines I am guessing it's been a very, very long and hurtful two years. Just because he has his own challenge in being an alcoholic doesn't mean you are not entitled to have your own feelings and to feel them.
Your feelings and concerns and happiness are all just as important as his are. I hope you know that? This is an excellent time for you to focus on yourself (which you may not have for some time?) and think about how you feel and what you want to do and what makes you happy. Having an alcoholic in your house can make that alcoholism and that person the center of your life, it doesn't have to be that way and ideally it shouldn't be. His struggle his recovery are his, not yours.
So how about you? Have you been neglecting yourself?
As for writing, if you actually want to (you are not obligated to) how about keeping it light and friendly? You can tell him what's happening at work or a place you went to for lunch or progress on the new building down the block or whatever you would write to a friend. No need to discuss feelings or alcohol or any of that (unless you want to of course). What's your take on it?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by allwaysontime
I have been neglecting myself. I want to do stuff that makes me happy for once. I feel like a prisoner because of his addiction.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you should always be taking care of yourself. Self care is important (how many times have you heard that??). The thing is, practicing it takes practice and effort, perhaps you can take some of that effort you have expended looking out for him in looking out for yourself from now on. I'm sure you know I don't mean in a selfish (negative) way but in a selfish healthy way. If you don't, what happens to you and what do you have left for others anyway?
Have you read the book, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? Not saying you are codependent of course, I don't know you that well! But there is a lot of good information about looking after yourself and being independent from the alcoholism and boundaries, you might find it helpful and interesting.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 4
I'm going to say this to you based on my experience. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Inpatient rehab changes people, but not always for the better. Trust me when I tell you if he's not 100% committed to recovery, a very different person will emerge. Don't be surprised if he gets out with a new "friend" and even more destructive behaviors.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by gigginstick
I'm going to say this to you based on my experience. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Inpatient rehab changes people, but not always for the better. Trust me when I tell you if he's not 100% committed to recovery, a very different person will emerge. Don't be surprised if he gets out with a new "friend" and even more destructive behaviors.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by allwaysontime
New Friend?? I'm sorry I'm lost. Like a person. Im hoping for the best. That's all I can really do.
You should be weary in changes of affection and personality.
Hold on tight if you're SO was bad enough for inpatient, you're in for one hell of a ride.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Posts: 918
Hi,
If he's anything like I was - he's probably a tad overwhelmed. Treatment centers are busy places.
Whatever you decide to write - I think you should keep it short and direct. Just keep in mind that this isn't the time to point fingers. Ask what his inpatient treatment center is like or ask about his counselor (everyone gets one). Write things that will encourage him to communicate with you.
If he's anything like I was - he's probably a tad overwhelmed. Treatment centers are busy places.
Whatever you decide to write - I think you should keep it short and direct. Just keep in mind that this isn't the time to point fingers. Ask what his inpatient treatment center is like or ask about his counselor (everyone gets one). Write things that will encourage him to communicate with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
allways-----while there are differences between individuals----I think it is good general advise to be prepared that he will not be the kind of person that you remember---before his drinking behaviors became too difficult for you to live with,
I think, that, often, the non-alcoholic partner has believed that, if the alcoholic puts down the bottle, that all is done and dusted. It is so easy to believe that the alcohol is the cause of all of the conflict in the relationship.
Once the alcoholic no longer has the alcohol to cope with daily life and all of their emotions---this is incredibly stressful for them. They must, now, learn how to live life on life's terms.
Remember, that, in rehab---they are not cured. Actually, there is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholism is for life, and the goal is to keep the drinking in remission.
Rehab just teaches the alcoholic the direction to go in and gives them some tools to use, in doing so.
It can take months to years (depending on the individual alcoholic) to begin to see the kind of changes that I suspect that you are looking for,
This is if the alcoholic continues to diligently work their Program of recovery. They must learn to live life by the principles of recovery---and, remain abstainent. This will take lots of time and hard work.
Upon return home---you might expect him to, perhaps, be moody and, maybe preoccupied. lol---don't expect him to shower you with appreciation for all you have done for him---don't expect much thanks or apologies. He might even be irritable and distracted. He could, even express some resentment toward you---If he went to rehab to please you, in the first place. This is not uncommon.
Assume that there is a "war" going on , inside of his head, 24/7. It will probably be all that he can do to stay sober one day at a time.
It is going to take a lot of time and work for him to change his alcoholic thinking---and alcoholic attitude---to begin to show the behavioral changes that you would like to see.
I think that the best thing that you can do is to maintain a certain amount of emotional detachment from him and his moods---and, to lower the bar of your expectations of him.
right now, I suggest that you read the most recommended book on this site---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate to you.
I also suggest that you begin to read the articles in our extensive library of articles---from our "Classic Reading" section---(in the "stickies" section---just above the threads).
There are more than 100 articles---enough for you to digest one every single day. They are written by those who have been in your same shoes. I am giving you the following link for your convenience.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The period of early recovery can be as difficult and, sometimes, more difficult for the non-alcoholic, as the times of actual drinking. Thus, it is best that you be prepared---and distance yourself and work on your own self and attend to your own best welfare.
Even if he does get into the work of recovery---there will need to be changes in BOTH of you.
***If you do write to hi m---I suggest that you keep it light---and as brief as you like. I don't see why you would need to write a novel.
I think, that, often, the non-alcoholic partner has believed that, if the alcoholic puts down the bottle, that all is done and dusted. It is so easy to believe that the alcohol is the cause of all of the conflict in the relationship.
Once the alcoholic no longer has the alcohol to cope with daily life and all of their emotions---this is incredibly stressful for them. They must, now, learn how to live life on life's terms.
Remember, that, in rehab---they are not cured. Actually, there is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholism is for life, and the goal is to keep the drinking in remission.
Rehab just teaches the alcoholic the direction to go in and gives them some tools to use, in doing so.
It can take months to years (depending on the individual alcoholic) to begin to see the kind of changes that I suspect that you are looking for,
This is if the alcoholic continues to diligently work their Program of recovery. They must learn to live life by the principles of recovery---and, remain abstainent. This will take lots of time and hard work.
Upon return home---you might expect him to, perhaps, be moody and, maybe preoccupied. lol---don't expect him to shower you with appreciation for all you have done for him---don't expect much thanks or apologies. He might even be irritable and distracted. He could, even express some resentment toward you---If he went to rehab to please you, in the first place. This is not uncommon.
Assume that there is a "war" going on , inside of his head, 24/7. It will probably be all that he can do to stay sober one day at a time.
It is going to take a lot of time and work for him to change his alcoholic thinking---and alcoholic attitude---to begin to show the behavioral changes that you would like to see.
I think that the best thing that you can do is to maintain a certain amount of emotional detachment from him and his moods---and, to lower the bar of your expectations of him.
right now, I suggest that you read the most recommended book on this site---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate to you.
I also suggest that you begin to read the articles in our extensive library of articles---from our "Classic Reading" section---(in the "stickies" section---just above the threads).
There are more than 100 articles---enough for you to digest one every single day. They are written by those who have been in your same shoes. I am giving you the following link for your convenience.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The period of early recovery can be as difficult and, sometimes, more difficult for the non-alcoholic, as the times of actual drinking. Thus, it is best that you be prepared---and distance yourself and work on your own self and attend to your own best welfare.
Even if he does get into the work of recovery---there will need to be changes in BOTH of you.
***If you do write to hi m---I suggest that you keep it light---and as brief as you like. I don't see why you would need to write a novel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
Hi,
If he's anything like I was - he's probably a tad overwhelmed. Treatment centers are busy places.
Whatever you decide to write - I think you should keep it short and direct. Just keep in mind that this isn't the time to point fingers. Ask what his inpatient treatment center is like or ask about his counselor (everyone gets one). Write things that will encourage him to communicate with you.
If he's anything like I was - he's probably a tad overwhelmed. Treatment centers are busy places.
Whatever you decide to write - I think you should keep it short and direct. Just keep in mind that this isn't the time to point fingers. Ask what his inpatient treatment center is like or ask about his counselor (everyone gets one). Write things that will encourage him to communicate with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by dandylion
allways-----while there are differences between individuals----I think it is good general advise to be prepared that he will not be the kind of person that you remember---before his drinking behaviors became too difficult for you to live with,
I think, that, often, the non-alcoholic partner has believed that, if the alcoholic puts down the bottle, that all is done and dusted. It is so easy to believe that the alcohol is the cause of all of the conflict in the relationship.
Once the alcoholic no longer has the alcohol to cope with daily life and all of their emotions---this is incredibly stressful for them. They must, now, learn how to live life on life's terms.
Remember, that, in rehab---they are not cured. Actually, there is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholism is for life, and the goal is to keep the drinking in remission.
Rehab just teaches the alcoholic the direction to go in and gives them some tools to use, in doing so.
It can take months to years (depending on the individual alcoholic) to begin to see the kind of changes that I suspect that you are looking for,
This is if the alcoholic continues to diligently work their Program of recovery. They must learn to live life by the principles of recovery---and, remain abstainent. This will take lots of time and hard work.
Upon return home---you might expect him to, perhaps, be moody and, maybe preoccupied. lol---don't expect him to shower you with appreciation for all you have done for him---don't expect much thanks or apologies. He might even be irritable and distracted. He could, even express some resentment toward you---If he went to rehab to please you, in the first place. This is not uncommon.
Assume that there is a "war" going on , inside of his head, 24/7. It will probably be all that he can do to stay sober one day at a time.
It is going to take a lot of time and work for him to change his alcoholic thinking---and alcoholic attitude---to begin to show the behavioral changes that you would like to see.
I think that the best thing that you can do is to maintain a certain amount of emotional detachment from him and his moods---and, to lower the bar of your expectations of him.
right now, I suggest that you read the most recommended book on this site---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate to you.
I also suggest that you begin to read the articles in our extensive library of articles---from our "Classic Reading" section---(in the "stickies" section---just above the threads).
There are more than 100 articles---enough for you to digest one every single day. They are written by those who have been in your same shoes. I am giving you the following link
The period of early recovery can be as difficult and, sometimes, more difficult for the non-alcoholic, as the times of actual drinking. Thus, it is best that you be prepared---and distance yourself and work on your own self and attend to your own best welfare.
Even if he does get into the work of recovery---there will need to be changes in BOTH of you.
***If you do write to hi m---I suggest that you keep it light---and as brief as you like. I don't see why you would need to write a novel.
I think, that, often, the non-alcoholic partner has believed that, if the alcoholic puts down the bottle, that all is done and dusted. It is so easy to believe that the alcohol is the cause of all of the conflict in the relationship.
Once the alcoholic no longer has the alcohol to cope with daily life and all of their emotions---this is incredibly stressful for them. They must, now, learn how to live life on life's terms.
Remember, that, in rehab---they are not cured. Actually, there is no cure for alcoholism. Alcoholism is for life, and the goal is to keep the drinking in remission.
Rehab just teaches the alcoholic the direction to go in and gives them some tools to use, in doing so.
It can take months to years (depending on the individual alcoholic) to begin to see the kind of changes that I suspect that you are looking for,
This is if the alcoholic continues to diligently work their Program of recovery. They must learn to live life by the principles of recovery---and, remain abstainent. This will take lots of time and hard work.
Upon return home---you might expect him to, perhaps, be moody and, maybe preoccupied. lol---don't expect him to shower you with appreciation for all you have done for him---don't expect much thanks or apologies. He might even be irritable and distracted. He could, even express some resentment toward you---If he went to rehab to please you, in the first place. This is not uncommon.
Assume that there is a "war" going on , inside of his head, 24/7. It will probably be all that he can do to stay sober one day at a time.
It is going to take a lot of time and work for him to change his alcoholic thinking---and alcoholic attitude---to begin to show the behavioral changes that you would like to see.
I think that the best thing that you can do is to maintain a certain amount of emotional detachment from him and his moods---and, to lower the bar of your expectations of him.
right now, I suggest that you read the most recommended book on this site---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate to you.
I also suggest that you begin to read the articles in our extensive library of articles---from our "Classic Reading" section---(in the "stickies" section---just above the threads).
There are more than 100 articles---enough for you to digest one every single day. They are written by those who have been in your same shoes. I am giving you the following link
The period of early recovery can be as difficult and, sometimes, more difficult for the non-alcoholic, as the times of actual drinking. Thus, it is best that you be prepared---and distance yourself and work on your own self and attend to your own best welfare.
Even if he does get into the work of recovery---there will need to be changes in BOTH of you.
***If you do write to hi m---I suggest that you keep it light---and as brief as you like. I don't see why you would need to write a novel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Hi always,
Great advice being given on writing him a note, not a novel, every other day or so. IF you have time and feel like it.
Also, I’d like to send some encouragement to you for when he gets out of rehab.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I don’t think a “rehab romance” is the norm.
Yes, your lives will be different—lots of changes ahead for BOTH of you— but it’s not all horrific or scary.
I went for 30 days and it was life changing. I had lots of guilt, shame, remorse, ANGER, resentments-you name the emotion and I had to deal with it. My spouse and family had many of the same emotions towards ME.
It’s hard to put a marriage and family life back on track, but certainly not impossible.
It can be a VERY positive change in your marriage.
Keep posting!
Great advice being given on writing him a note, not a novel, every other day or so. IF you have time and feel like it.
Also, I’d like to send some encouragement to you for when he gets out of rehab.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I don’t think a “rehab romance” is the norm.
Yes, your lives will be different—lots of changes ahead for BOTH of you— but it’s not all horrific or scary.
I went for 30 days and it was life changing. I had lots of guilt, shame, remorse, ANGER, resentments-you name the emotion and I had to deal with it. My spouse and family had many of the same emotions towards ME.
It’s hard to put a marriage and family life back on track, but certainly not impossible.
It can be a VERY positive change in your marriage.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Zevin
Hi always,
Great advice being given on writing him a note, not a novel, every other day or so. IF you have time and feel like it.
Also, I’d like to send some encouragement to you for when he gets out of rehab.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I don’t think a “rehab romance” is the norm.
Yes, your lives will be different—lots of changes ahead for BOTH of you— but it’s not all horrific or scary.
I went for 30 days and it was life changing. I had lots of guilt, shame, remorse, ANGER, resentments-you name the emotion and I had to deal with it. My spouse and family had many of the same emotions towards ME.
It’s hard to put a marriage and family life back on track, but certainly not impossible.
It can be a VERY positive change in your marriage.
Keep posting!
Great advice being given on writing him a note, not a novel, every other day or so. IF you have time and feel like it.
Also, I’d like to send some encouragement to you for when he gets out of rehab.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I don’t think a “rehab romance” is the norm.
Yes, your lives will be different—lots of changes ahead for BOTH of you— but it’s not all horrific or scary.
I went for 30 days and it was life changing. I had lots of guilt, shame, remorse, ANGER, resentments-you name the emotion and I had to deal with it. My spouse and family had many of the same emotions towards ME.
It’s hard to put a marriage and family life back on track, but certainly not impossible.
It can be a VERY positive change in your marriage.
Keep posting!
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