TiredKitty

2 Days.
It has been 2 Days since my husband drank those 10 beers.
I thought for sure he would have more when he got home. He spent almost ten hours out of the house, most of which was for this job interview where he had to do a ride around. I was fully expecting him to crack open a beer when he came home. I was prepared to then confront him about Saturday night. But, there was nothing.
He ate candy.
He made a hamburger.
He drank nothing but water.
And, he joked with me all night as we watched the football game.
I still felt on edge. Every time he got up, I kept an eye on him to see what he was doing. Every time the fridge opened, I anticipated see a beer in his hand. Every time he got up to smoke, I expected him to go get one. But nothing. Not once did he get a beer. He even ended up putting his hunting rifles in front of the beer fridge which made it difficult to open.

I am keeping hope alive that somehow we can save this marriage.

Not many people know but I see a therapist once a week. Because of COVID, it's a phone session only but I like it that way. I don't like talking to people face-to-face unless I am comfortable around them.
My session ended up being very relieving. It felt like this giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. All I talked about was my feelings towards my husband's drinking and how it has changed him and the dynamic of our relationship over the years. When we first got together, he was very loving and compassionate. I would constantly hear how beautiful I was, how talented and smart I was, he would surprise me with flowers or little gifts, and I would wake up every morning to some kind of heartfelt message. I would notice little things about his drinking such his overly happy tone when we spoke on the phone or he would be asleep some nights by dinner time with no hope of waking him up. It was two years into our relationship when we decided to move in together.
At first, I didn't notice his drinking. But, as the first year progressed, I started noticing things. His temper would get short and he would immediately go from calm to agitated in his words. He never hit me. I would see him fall down drunk or drink so much that he literally crawled into bed. He would drink so much he couldn't talk or he would accidentally break things. When he drank that much, it was impossible to wake him up no matter what I did. My cat of 20 years got severely sick and I couldn't wake him.
I have seen him drop his beers and leave the mess. I would end up cleaning it up the next day with him giving the excuse: "It's better to clean up messes like that once they dry. Easy to mop them up."
I have been purposely ignored when I ask him questions, even very easy questions. For example, there was a time when I came out of the bathroom and discovered a large spill on the floor. When I asked him about it, he walked away from me. When I asked him again, his response was: "What do you think happened?" My natural response is: "I know what happened, I want you to answer me when I ask no matter what the question is otherwise you are just being disrespectful." This particular incident he decided not to go to bed and we screamed at each other all night until he passed out on the couch.
I have seen him get so mad that he just screams at me all night and, no matter how many times I tell him we will discuss it when he's sober or that I want him to get away from me, he just keeps screaming.
I have felt degraded, stupid, belittled, worthless, and not wanted. I have been told to "F@#K OFF" to my face. I have been flipped off.
There was a time when I told him that I was done. "Don't consider me your wife anymore. I'll be out as soon as I find a place to go." He then threw his wedding ring at me but proceeded to apologize for days after that.
Then the baby incident... (Blog #1)
Now this...
Letting it all out made me feel lighter and it made me rethink my relationship.
What happened to the man I fell in love with? The man who would live me amazing messages, surprise me at work with gifts, or would plan spontaneous trips or date nights. I feel like I don't see that man as much as I want.

Should I hope onto hope that maybe things will change? That I could get this man back and we can be like we were a few years ago?
Or, should I just throw in the towel? Should I tell the man I love to get out and file for divorce?

I feel so torn that I feel like I am completely shut off from the world. When I look at him right now, I feel both love and hatred. Even when he tries to be affectionate with me right now, I feel distant from him. It has been almost a month since he was laid off. It has been almost a month since we were intimate.

Then there is the guilt.
I feel guilty for feeling negative towards him.
I feel guilty for talking bad about him.
I feel guilty for this situation even though I didn't do anything wrong.
Could I have prevented it?
Should I have spoken up sooner?
Should I have told him when he spent like alcohol when he went to work?
Should I have tried harder to fix not just his alcohol but his temper sooner and not just shrugged it off.

Even now, talking about all the bad situations in our relationship, I feel guilty about it. He works hard, he's definitely provide for us especially when I was in college and when I was searching for the right job. He's put up with my depression, anxiety, my constant racing thoughts and mood swings, and he stuck by me when I when through a stoner faze. There was a good six months where I was stoned every day and, when I was stoned, I would drink excessively and eat everything in the house. He stuck by me when I learned to control my shopaholic tendencies and learned how to budget and save money. Now I am so good at budgeting our money, we have a good savings, we have taken wonderful vacations, and we have been able to control our debt.

I love my husband. We have been together through very thick and very thin, when both of us have been at our worse. When do you know enough is enough?
Sorry about the rant on both here and in my blog.
Until tomorrow.

trailmix

I read all of your blog entries.

This jumped out to me out of all of it:


If you remember nothing else from all the replies here, I hope you will remember You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

There seems to be a blurred line here, between "me" and "us". You don't actually have any control over him and realistically, why would you want to? He is a separate person from you with his own ideas, thoughts, feelings and plans/intentions. He might take some of your ideas in to account, that happens in close relationships, but to expect him to think like you do about something (in this case alcohol) is not realistic.

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. While it seems since the whole "gang" (parent, his family, your family) all think his drinking is excessive and harmful, that doesn't mean he has to think that, right?

And, you may all be 100% correct, but just because you may have the moral high ground (or the alcohol high ground?) again, doesn't mean he has to agree with you. That is out of your control, you can spend years in angst about it though, trying to convince him you are "right".

Or you can leave him to make his own decision about that, as adults do. Then you get to decide what you are going to do about that. I know you hoped to see more of the man you fell in love with but that may just keep you on this roller coaster for years.

SaveHer

"When do you know enough is enough?"

For me, I tolerated AXBF's toxic BS for ten years, posting here regularly yet never willing to accept the full truth about our toxic relationship and my role in it. We broke up and got back together more times than I care to recall. My strength and resolve always wore off when I tried to end it. Then, I had an epiphany three months after my daughter was born; I knew, without a doubt, that enough is enough. You see, I was willing to put up with him because I loved him, felt guilty, felt responsible, thought I could "fix" him, and so many of the other justifications you mention in your post. But my daughter... oh no. She deserves better. I have never felt more certain of anything in my life.

I think everyone's tolerance level is different, so everyone's rock bottom will be different; some don't have a rock bottom at all. All I know is, when you've had enough, you'll know.

trailmix

Excerpt from: https://melodybeattie.com/letting-go-guilt/

“There’s a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use,” said one recovering woman. “The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing.”

It’s imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.

Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.

Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people’s best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

We don’t have to let others count on the fact that we’ll always feel guilty. We don’t have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt—earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong".