fancymesober

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and recovery. Went through 4 1/2 months of outpatient and sobriety for alcohol abuse this spring, relapsed hard in August and now just over 7 weeks sober. I'm curious to hear if others are out as an addict and to who? I am out to my husband, parents, brother, parents-in-law and one close friend but closeted to others including several friends. All have been very supportive but am afraid to come out to a few friends... The shame and fear of what they will think keeps me from doing it.

Dee74

hi and welcome fancymesober

when I first got sober i told everyone because I thought drinking alcohol was as important to everyone else as it was to me.

when I learned that wasn't true and most people don't actually care what I drink or don;t drink, I just say no thanks to drink offers nowadays.

I'm very rarely pressed for a reason why I'm not drinking.

If its relevant I'll share my history but outside that, no.

Its not all about me

Aellyce

Like Dee, I only share it with others when I think the information is relevant in some way and when I don't see it as a risk for compromising something important. I never shared my alcoholism with anyone except people in recovery communities like this while it was still active and in the first year or so of sobriety. The not-so-wise move was hiding it sometimes also from people who were there to help such as doctors and therapists. Now I can be quite open about it in many contexts, mostly because it's quite far in the past - I see no harm in saying as much as "I had a problem with addiction/alcohol in the past", but usually no more details. Usually say more to friends, intimate partners and some colleagues that, I trust, will understand it and won't abuse the information. Again, I've only ever shared the real gory details with people who also experienced addiction and now I share with medical providers, when I see it's relevant. For me, none of the sharing is because I want to explain why I don't drink - I don't care at all what people think about that and don't feel a need to justify it. What makes my sharing relevant is usually some context, when I want someone to understand related parts of my life, thinking and behavior. For example, it's relevant to a lot of my current professional work and sharing can enhance the discussions, but I want to be sure I'm not risking something.

least

I told immediate family but no one else. It's no one's business why I don't drink, but if I'm asked, I just say that I've already drank my share of alcohol and don't want any more. If I'm prodded further, I just answer with a question - "Does my not drinking bother you?" And that usually shuts them up.

Steely

Now that I'm sober don't think it's relevant to anyone outside of myself, and those who already "knew" at anyrate. It was pretty obvious to those close to me and they were glad when I went to rehab. Glad I got sober.

Don't feel I have to justify myself to anyone anymore, and one of the great benefits of sobriety.

On the flipside, when drinking, felt I had to justify everything. It's great to be free.

Congratulations on getting sober.

Anna

I told my immediate family but no one else. I have always found that 'No, thanks' works, and I don't believe I owe an explanation to anyone. It's whatever works for you.

Livinchi

For me personally, I have shared my addictions and that I am working on sobriety with nearly all of my people, and I am hiding it from no one. Authenticity is very important to me, and it is one of my character traits so it is easy for me to do but I realize it is not easy for everyone. I went out of my way to tell close friends and even some business relationships, and one of my reasons for doing so is to help take away the stigma associated with drinking, addiction, recovery, and sobriety. I watched a Ted Talk called "Recover Out Loud" that focuses on being open and honest about these things so that we can help our culture and others around us understand, support, and celebrate those who wish to be sober for any reason.

Telling people about it has actually helped some of them recognize or admit that they also have a similar addiction they would like to work on. Others have given me a family members phone number for me to reach out to in hopes of helping them do what I am doing. I have invited my addicted friends to join me on the journey. One of them called me just today to share how they over drank this weekend and some of the damage it caused. If I can help somebody else take just a small step forward in their recovery process it is worth it for me to have the conversation. I am not embarrassed to be an addict. Do what is comfortable for you while being as authentic as possible.

Mizz

I mean....
I am to a few close people.
I think this is a personal situation for everyone and our comfort levels vary as to whom we tell.
Just saying "No, thanks! as a complete sentence is good enough.

BeABetterMan

Hmm, I never really thought about this. I tell people when it’s relevant or interesting. I don’t have fear telling anyone. I’m a recovering alcoholic. And super proud of it! My bosses have asked me out to happy pours and what not and I just say I don’t drink. If I meet a girl, I tel her I don’t drink. Some I go as far as to tell I’m an alcoholic pretty early. There’s no hiding it with me. When I drank it was a **** show. And now recovery is such a big part of who I am and what I do.

D122y

I just typed half a page and then deleted it when I realized I had forgotten the original topic.

hehe...

Everyone is different, but we all are also the same. I have been outed behind my back I am sure. Nobody, except my wife, ever called me an alky. She even had trouble doing it though. I used to tell her the reason I drank so much was because I was an alky. That seemed to shut her up so I could get on with drinking my brains out.

Glad those days are over forever. I hate booze. It is poison.

Thanks.

Kaily

I tell people.
I am very proud of what I have achieved. It was no mean feat.

PalmerSage

The only person I've talked to about my sobriety is my husband. I was a very secretive drinker, so although some of my family members and friends may have guessed I had a major problem, it was never anything that was discussed. I agree with Dee that when I first stopped drinking I thought that abstaining would be a major issue and a shock to people, but it never comes up. I order my soda and life goes on.

Noam19

I'm kind of with Dee on this as well. I'm out to my immediate family and some close friends. Everyone else is on a need to know and they don't need to know!

fancymesober

I think this is where I find myself. I'm probably building it up in my head that people will think me not drinking is a big deal. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law made a huge deal of me stopping drinking even so far as to think I was pregnant 😂. I didn't tell them why I quit because frankly they are alcoholics who don't think they have substance abuse problems so I knew they wouldn't be supportive.

Thanks everyone for sharing, your views really put things into perspective for me!

Aellyce

Yeah I think people who think it's a big deal and/or are asking aggressive questions about it are probably those who are overly preoccupied with alcohol themselves, for some reason. In my experience, the majority doesn't think more of it than a dietary preference, for example, and are perfectly willing to accommodate non-drinkers and even adjust their activities when they socialize. Or even most people who vape - they may enjoy the company of others with the habit, but most will never start prodding why you don't do it or try to persuade others to vape.

This is going to go way beyond the OPs question, but I've been having these thoughts and wanted to share. Not sure what others think, but I personally have the impression that the culture around drinking has changed somewhat in the last several years and there is more awareness on the dangers of doing it excessively/habitually in average, normal communities. Healthy lifestyles and self-care have become "fashionable". Likewise, people tend to be more aware that we can say 'no' to even the mere company of toxic people and those that are bad influences, even if they are family. As adults, it's not an obligation to put up with anyone.

People tend to engage in more varied activities, so having drinks is no longer the necessary standard go-to when they want to go out or celebrate something. Of course this varies between communities and age groups. I think the COVID pandemic is actually a good opportunity to change social habits somehow, i.e. that we don't necessarily need to drink something (including soft drinks) and eat to enjoy other people's company and talk. It might help the obesity epidemic as well. I know this brings up those questions about what will happen to those businesses, but we live in a fast-changing era, where new aspects of lifestyle develop more than ever, and rigidly sticking with the old norms and activities is not very creative and progressive. I have refused eating and drinking (even coffee) out with groups of people since March, especially people I don't already share a lot of close space with regularly. To me, it brings it to zero as I live alone and don't even have any family that would expect certain things, so I know it's easier in a situation like this. But I said 'no' to social eating and drinks I don't know how many times this year and no one has ever complained, they still include me in other activities, or I just initiate some with my own preferences. Many people experience these lifestyle changes as depleting, but it remains that only if we don't try to be creative and think of/try new things. I think the same goes for addiction recovery in general, even without COVID.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

You don't owe folks explanations when it comes to not drinking. Your business is YOUR business. It's personal.

I don't drink. That's all anyone ever has to hear.

Those three words carry a lot of weight.

I'm 1000% out.

BornSurvivor

I just tell people it's not my thing. If they ask further I just say I don't like it.

Either way I can't worry about what they think. What's most important is I never drink under any circumstances because it never ends well.

Sober45

In my previous (failed) quit attempts, I announced it to the world.

This time (9 months without a drink), I only told those really close to me in the early days....just husband and daughter.

Today, I tell people I'm sober for the rest of my life (if they're curious).

Looking back I think "announcing it to world" created a lot of pressure to succeed (aka...anxiety). Anxiety is one of the reasons I drank.

snitch

I'm out. I don't care what other people think. I am not ashamed. It's my truth and it's my life that is on the line here no one else's. That's not to say I shout it out to all and sundry. I'm sure that not everyone really cares. However all the people I spend time with know and if they have a problem with it then it is their problem however I havent experienced that at all, everyone is really really supportive

♥️♥️♥️

MLD51

This is a really interesting thread.
I recover openly, but not loudly. I live in a small town, so a LOT of people knew I was a complete and total mess with alcohol. The rumor mill here is ridiculous, and my stupid behaviors were a topic of conversation sometimes. I'm not being paranoid, it's true. So I felt like I wanted people to know that I was in recovery. I figured it would maybe shut people up. I was very surprised to find out that nearly everyone is really supportive, and only a few people who gossiped about me did it in a mean way - most were just concerned and worried. I am open about my journey because I want to help break down the stigmas. I also want to be out there to help other people overcome their shame and get help - I have had some people reach out to me for advice.

Aellyce2 said:
"This is going to go way beyond the OPs question, but I've been having these thoughts and wanted to share. Not sure what others think, but I personally have the impression that the culture around drinking has changed somewhat in the last several years and there is more awareness on the dangers of doing it excessively/habitually in average, normal communities. Healthy lifestyles and self-care have become "fashionable". Likewise, people tend to be more aware that we can say 'no' to even the mere company of toxic people and those that are bad influences, even if they are family. As adults, it's not an obligation to put up with anyone."

I think this is true. At least I really hope so. Where I live, drinking is part of the the fabric of everyday life for almost everyone I come in contact with. How big of a part it plays varies from one person to the next, but I would venture a guess that at least 80% of the population here drinks at least a couple of times a week. Might be a drink or two, might be a lot more. And of course there are lots of people like I was - drinking nearly every day, if not every day. My state is KNOWN for drinking, and small towns are a hard place to get sober. There's not much else to do here, especially in the dead of winter. BUT I have definitely noticed a difference, even here. People ARE more aware of the dangers. And I hear a lot of people talking about cutting back or cutting it out completely, for health reasons. So maybe there is progress.