Alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me
Hi all, I am new to the group and am just seeking some support/advice.
After reading many threads, it appears as though my situation is a familIar one.
I was dating my alcoholic/ pot smoking boyfriend for just under a year. Aside from his drinking and pot use- I thought things were going well.
In May we went to Florida for a week and I met his family for the first time. Things were great or so I thought.
When we returned home- things started to unravel. He wasn’t doing well with being stuck home with COVID and he was very moody and mean.
We had a few “arguments” but not that big of a deal in my mind. I did notice that he is unable to communicate though and every time we discussed something- he would always say..maybe I’m not the guy for you. It got to the point that I would start our conversations with- I’m not trying to fight, I would just like to discuss this with you. Knowing it would end in a fight and he would ignore me for a few days.
I recently moved to his state and 10 days after I purchased a house here and the night before our 1 year- he broke up with me. We weren’t arguing so I knew he was serious and I was devastated.
I believe he is still in love with his ex-wife even though they have been divorced for 5 years. She is a big drinker too. I am his first girlfriend since his divorce- everyone else was a one night stand or a hook-up.
The ex-wife recently married his best friend(a huge alcoholic and drug user) and now she is pregnant with his child. She is drinking and smoking while pregnant but my ex defends her and says she is a good mom (they have 2 kids togethers. The ex-wife got upset with me for something silly and that’s when my BF broke up with me. He doesn’t seem mad that they are married- he even called her on their wedding day to congratulate them.
I am now in a new state, working from home with zero friends. I am lonely, sad, hurt....the list goes on.
End of July- he texted me that he was thinking of killing himself. I ran over to his house and his gun was out. I took the gun from him and he agreed to go to rehab. I spent the entire day talking to his employer, his insurance company and numerous rehabs before finding one that had a spot open.
I bought him all new clothes and luggage for his stay. Wrote him letters daily while he was there. He called me every other day to check in. I drove him the 1.5 hours there and picked him up at the end. I even had his apartment all decorated for his return.
While there he forgot my birthday and a few days later asked me when it was but he remember what day his ex-wife was scheduled for a C-section and remembered to call her and wish her good luck.
The day I picked him up from rehab- 30 minutes into our drive home- he tells me I am a trigger for his drinking. I was blown away. He has been an alcoholic for 29 years but I am a trigger. If this was the case why didn’t he mention it during the 40 days he was away? Did he just need me to pick him up from rehab?
That night he came over for dinner and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. I called and texted on the 2nd day and he didn’t answer. My friend suggested I do a wellness check. When I arrived at his home- he was very stoned. He doesn’t believe he has a problem with pot, just alcohol.
I left crying because all of my hopes for him getting healthy and going back to the kind man I first met were gone. I texted him when I got home that I couldn’t be in his life anymore and I felt used and discharged. No response. It’s been a month and he hasn’t tried to contact me or apologize at all. I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for his gun back. I have gotten rid of it though bc guns scare me.
Anyway... I just can’t get over the hurt feelings I have. It makes it 10x harder bc I am in a new state by myself and working from home due to COVID. I just feel so alone and hate that I am still in love with him.
Thank you for allowing me to discuss this here. As I am typing this though- I am embarrassed for myself for putting up with a man who clearly never cared about me. He has no friends at all- especially now that his only friend married his ex-wife. I just can’t believe he doesn’t miss me. We spent all of our time together and he acts like I never existed.
After reading many threads, it appears as though my situation is a familIar one.
I was dating my alcoholic/ pot smoking boyfriend for just under a year. Aside from his drinking and pot use- I thought things were going well.
In May we went to Florida for a week and I met his family for the first time. Things were great or so I thought.
When we returned home- things started to unravel. He wasn’t doing well with being stuck home with COVID and he was very moody and mean.
We had a few “arguments” but not that big of a deal in my mind. I did notice that he is unable to communicate though and every time we discussed something- he would always say..maybe I’m not the guy for you. It got to the point that I would start our conversations with- I’m not trying to fight, I would just like to discuss this with you. Knowing it would end in a fight and he would ignore me for a few days.
I recently moved to his state and 10 days after I purchased a house here and the night before our 1 year- he broke up with me. We weren’t arguing so I knew he was serious and I was devastated.
I believe he is still in love with his ex-wife even though they have been divorced for 5 years. She is a big drinker too. I am his first girlfriend since his divorce- everyone else was a one night stand or a hook-up.
The ex-wife recently married his best friend(a huge alcoholic and drug user) and now she is pregnant with his child. She is drinking and smoking while pregnant but my ex defends her and says she is a good mom (they have 2 kids togethers. The ex-wife got upset with me for something silly and that’s when my BF broke up with me. He doesn’t seem mad that they are married- he even called her on their wedding day to congratulate them.
I am now in a new state, working from home with zero friends. I am lonely, sad, hurt....the list goes on.
End of July- he texted me that he was thinking of killing himself. I ran over to his house and his gun was out. I took the gun from him and he agreed to go to rehab. I spent the entire day talking to his employer, his insurance company and numerous rehabs before finding one that had a spot open.
I bought him all new clothes and luggage for his stay. Wrote him letters daily while he was there. He called me every other day to check in. I drove him the 1.5 hours there and picked him up at the end. I even had his apartment all decorated for his return.
While there he forgot my birthday and a few days later asked me when it was but he remember what day his ex-wife was scheduled for a C-section and remembered to call her and wish her good luck.
The day I picked him up from rehab- 30 minutes into our drive home- he tells me I am a trigger for his drinking. I was blown away. He has been an alcoholic for 29 years but I am a trigger. If this was the case why didn’t he mention it during the 40 days he was away? Did he just need me to pick him up from rehab?
That night he came over for dinner and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. I called and texted on the 2nd day and he didn’t answer. My friend suggested I do a wellness check. When I arrived at his home- he was very stoned. He doesn’t believe he has a problem with pot, just alcohol.
I left crying because all of my hopes for him getting healthy and going back to the kind man I first met were gone. I texted him when I got home that I couldn’t be in his life anymore and I felt used and discharged. No response. It’s been a month and he hasn’t tried to contact me or apologize at all. I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for his gun back. I have gotten rid of it though bc guns scare me.
Anyway... I just can’t get over the hurt feelings I have. It makes it 10x harder bc I am in a new state by myself and working from home due to COVID. I just feel so alone and hate that I am still in love with him.
Thank you for allowing me to discuss this here. As I am typing this though- I am embarrassed for myself for putting up with a man who clearly never cared about me. He has no friends at all- especially now that his only friend married his ex-wife. I just can’t believe he doesn’t miss me. We spent all of our time together and he acts like I never existed.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I texted him when I got home that I couldn’t be in his life anymore and I felt used and discharged. No response. It’s been a month and he hasn’t tried to contact me or apologize at all.
Have you considered renting out your house or selling it and moving back to wherever you're from where you'd know people?
He actually sounds dangerous to me, I would not show up at his house when he's under the influence and threatening suicide, that's how women get killed in murder/suicide deals. I would call the police and let them deal with suicide threats.
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Wounds take time to heal and everyone handles and moves through pain differently.
Be patient and give it time. Nothing stays the same forever and just remember that You have to play an active role in the mending of your own spirit. All wounds need to be cleaned, bandaged and cared for. Your wounded spirit is no different. Listen to your intuition - it'll tell you what you need. It might not be what you want - but it'll be what you need.
Be patient and give it time. Nothing stays the same forever and just remember that You have to play an active role in the mending of your own spirit. All wounds need to be cleaned, bandaged and cared for. Your wounded spirit is no different. Listen to your intuition - it'll tell you what you need. It might not be what you want - but it'll be what you need.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
You broke up with him, why should he contact you? Or were you hoping that breaking up with him would make him see the light?
Have you considered renting out your house or selling it and moving back to wherever you're from where you'd know people?
He actually sounds dangerous to me, I would not show up at his house when he's under the influence and threatening suicide, that's how women get killed in murder/suicide deals. I would call the police and let them deal with suicide threats.
Have you considered renting out your house or selling it and moving back to wherever you're from where you'd know people?
He actually sounds dangerous to me, I would not show up at his house when he's under the influence and threatening suicide, that's how women get killed in murder/suicide deals. I would call the police and let them deal with suicide threats.
He broke up with me- but yes, I was hoping he would see the light and fight for me to be in his life. I am the only positive person (rarely drink/don’t do drugs) in his life. But I think he prefers like minded people.
I have only had the house since June- and I actually really like the area. I am just lonely.
thank you for your advice and suggestions.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You said you broke up with him...(?)
I understand feeling alone when you've just had a breakup, you're in a new area and then there's covid. Most of us are alone much more than we'd like right now.
How about some Al Anon meetings? They are for friends and family of substance abusers, for support. You should be able to find either outdoor ones or Zoom ones.
Are you getting any exercise? A walk outside is therapy for me.
I understand feeling alone when you've just had a breakup, you're in a new area and then there's covid. Most of us are alone much more than we'd like right now.
How about some Al Anon meetings? They are for friends and family of substance abusers, for support. You should be able to find either outdoor ones or Zoom ones.
Are you getting any exercise? A walk outside is therapy for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes people aren't able to show up for us the way we want them to, when we want them to.
When it comes to addiction, it really isn't personal. He is not moving through the same reality you are. What seems obviously important to you is invisible to him. The truth is, he has been in a relationship with his addiction the whole time. Not you, not his ex-.
I hope you can chalk this up to a learning experience and find a way to move forward. Accepting that he was not the person you hoped he was is a good start.
When it comes to addiction, it really isn't personal. He is not moving through the same reality you are. What seems obviously important to you is invisible to him. The truth is, he has been in a relationship with his addiction the whole time. Not you, not his ex-.
I hope you can chalk this up to a learning experience and find a way to move forward. Accepting that he was not the person you hoped he was is a good start.
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[QUOTE=LumenandNyx;7524860][QUOTE=biminiblue;7524827] You said you broke up with him...(?)
Bimini, This is the title to the OP's thread, "Alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me" Yes, that's her title, but see what I quoted in post #2.
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
Bimini, This is the title to the OP's thread, "Alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me"
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Originally Posted by Mdd
That night he came over for dinner and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. I called and texted on the 2nd day and he didn’t answer. My friend suggested I do a wellness check. When I arrived at his home- he was very stoned. He doesn’t believe he has a problem with pot, just alcohol.
I left crying because all of my hopes for him getting healthy and going back to the kind man I first met were gone. I texted him when I got home that I couldn’t be in his life anymore and I felt used and discharged.
I left crying because all of my hopes for him getting healthy and going back to the kind man I first met were gone. I texted him when I got home that I couldn’t be in his life anymore and I felt used and discharged.
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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[QUOTE=biminiblue;7524871][QUOTE=LumenandNyx;7524860]
Earlier in my post I mentioned how he broke up with me the night before our one year and out of the blue- we weren’t fighting.
I sent him the text that I can’t have him in my life anymore because he contacted me when he was suicidal, I helped him get into rehab and he called me daily or every other day while there. We were still broken up during this time.
I texted him I can’t have him in my life when he came home and started smoking pot. He was back in my life while at rehab. I wasn’t breaking up with him when I texted him that since he had already broken up with me prior to rehab.
I’m sorry if my post was confusing.
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You said you broke up with him...(?)
Yes, that's her title, but see what I quoted in post #2.
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
Yes, that's her title, but see what I quoted in post #2.
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
Earlier in my post I mentioned how he broke up with me the night before our one year and out of the blue- we weren’t fighting.
I sent him the text that I can’t have him in my life anymore because he contacted me when he was suicidal, I helped him get into rehab and he called me daily or every other day while there. We were still broken up during this time.
I texted him I can’t have him in my life when he came home and started smoking pot. He was back in my life while at rehab. I wasn’t breaking up with him when I texted him that since he had already broken up with me prior to rehab.
I’m sorry if my post was confusing.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=biminiblue;7524871][QUOTE=LumenandNyx;7524860]
Earlier in my post I mentioned how he broke up with me the night before our one year and out of the blue- we weren’t fighting.
I sent him the text that I can’t have him in my life anymore because he contacted me when he was suicidal, I helped him get into rehab and he called me daily or every other day while there. We were still broken up during this time.
I texted him I can’t have him in my life when he came home and started smoking pot. He was back in my life while at rehab. I wasn’t breaking up with him when I texted him that since he had already broken up with me prior to rehab.
I’m sorry if my post was confusing. I had a false sense of hope because I thought things would be different when he got home.
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You said you broke up with him...(?)
Yes, that's her title, but see what I quoted in post #2.
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
Yes, that's her title, but see what I quoted in post #2.
If I tell someone I can't be in their life anymore, is that not breaking up with him? If someone said that to me, I would think they couldn't be in my life any more.
It makes a difference:
Apparently (according to her next post) she did that because she hoped he would apologize and try to make it work with her.
Earlier in my post I mentioned how he broke up with me the night before our one year and out of the blue- we weren’t fighting.
I sent him the text that I can’t have him in my life anymore because he contacted me when he was suicidal, I helped him get into rehab and he called me daily or every other day while there. We were still broken up during this time.
I texted him I can’t have him in my life when he came home and started smoking pot. He was back in my life while at rehab. I wasn’t breaking up with him when I texted him that since he had already broken up with me prior to rehab.
I’m sorry if my post was confusing. I had a false sense of hope because I thought things would be different when he got home.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I know it’s hard to understand right now—-this ordeal is still fresh—but someday you will realize what a (perhaps literal) bullet you have dodged.
Al-Anon meetings would be a great way to educate yourself about alcoholism and perhaps reading up about people with Narcisstic Personalities would give you some insight into his selfish behaviors.
I’m sorry for the pain and confusion he’s caused you.
Al-Anon meetings would be a great way to educate yourself about alcoholism and perhaps reading up about people with Narcisstic Personalities would give you some insight into his selfish behaviors.
I’m sorry for the pain and confusion he’s caused you.
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Hi MDD -- I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been in similar circumstances myself. Mine has never gone to rehab and probably never will but I have gone out of my way to help him in many ways. It has been a one sided relationship for over 10 years. I have only recently begun to focus on myself and leave my ABF to do his own thing. It is hard but realizing you can not change someone else but you can change yourself and the way you respond is the first step. I agree with others here that Alanon may be helpful. You will learn how to take the focus off of him and put it back on yourself. I am glad you are here! Remember to be kind to yourself during this difficult time! Also, you can check out the Dr Ramani videos on narcissism. She is excellent and her videos have helped me tremendously! Keep coming here too, you will learn so much! 🤗
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Hi MDD -- I am so sorry you are struggling. I know how you feel. I have current been with an alcoholic for 8 years and have been struggling with his abuse, his narcissistic behavior, and his drunken meanness. Sometimes I definitely feel like it is a one sided relationship. His drinking has turned our life upside multiple times and currently cost us our house.
As for moving to a new town, I completely understand that! I moved from a city to a small town ten years ago and I struggled for almost a year over the adjustment. Now, I can't imagine living anywhere else. My advice on moving is be patient, things will fall into place if you really want to stay where you're at. If you don't, sell your house and go back to the place you consider home.
If you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach other. Ignore the critics over the title on your post. I'm a good listener if you need to talk. I'm on here often.
Take care of yourself. Your own happiness and wellbeing is more important.
As for moving to a new town, I completely understand that! I moved from a city to a small town ten years ago and I struggled for almost a year over the adjustment. Now, I can't imagine living anywhere else. My advice on moving is be patient, things will fall into place if you really want to stay where you're at. If you don't, sell your house and go back to the place you consider home.
If you need anything, please don't hesitate to reach other. Ignore the critics over the title on your post. I'm a good listener if you need to talk. I'm on here often.
Take care of yourself. Your own happiness and wellbeing is more important.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Thank you all for the great advice and support! I did a zoom Al Anon meeting last night and found it very helpful. I am looking forward to next week’s meeting. I’m also going to watch Dr. Ramani’s videos tonight.
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Hi Mdd, I'm so sorry to hear about your tragic ordeal with this messy alcoholic. I really understand your pain about his fondness towards his ex. I've certainly been there before and it's really upsetting to have someone you thought respected you blatantly put their ex on a pedestal. However, from an outsider's perspective, his primary relationship is with alcohol and weed and you threatened that relationship simply by being a healthy person and then you took it up a level by trying to help him quit. His ex only nurtured his relationship to substances so it makes sense why it seems like he misses her and respects her. Also, alcoholics are almost always avoidant and tend to come down with serious grass-is-always-greener syndrome. With alcoholics, it's really hard to coexist with them in a world of logic and trust, and the lack of stability only makes us question our own sanity, so I hope you're being compassionate with yourself.
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