BartShelbyGT

So I had roughly the last half of July, all of August, September, and nearly the first week of October sober. As I stated in an earlier thread, I'd not been tested. I failed my first test. My Grandmother passed, and I flew home to attend the funeral (I knew a funeral was a big risk but it was my Grandmother, and I pretty much had to go). I arrived on Saturday the 3rd. No drinking. I made it through Sunday the 4th, which was the visitation. No drinking. Monday the 5th was the funeral, and the flasks came out. I clearly remember thinking, I can have a shot with my uncles and cousins, then get on the plane the next day back to soberville. I justified this by thinking with her passing, it was probably the last time we would all be in the same place at the same time, so why not enjoy it?
I'm sure they, being normal drinkers, had a shot or two and were done. I quit drinking Saturday, the 10th, 6 hazy days later. Yesterday was a nightmare. Today is still pretty awful. Mainly just anxiety and racy pulse, flushed face. Also still mentally foggy. A little side and back pain, but I think that may be because I just spent 16 of the last 24 hours in bed drinking water laying in one position.
Anyway, figured I'd better get on here and fess up. I'm so much happier sober, and thought I'd made the mental commitment of never again, and I failed. That's what scares me the most.
I didn't miss any work, as I had the time off for bereavement leave. Maybe I needed a reminder just how terrible this feels, and that I'm not normal. No amount of alcohol is safe, or I'm off to the races.

fishkiller

Sorry for your loss.
I too cannot have just a couple. This is why I have none.

biminiblue

Oh, man, I'm sorry for your loss and that it knocked you off your game. I've done some really odd things when family members die, too.

Now you REALLY know, right? Glad to have you back on the sober side.

Surrendered19

Thanks for sharing BSGT. I'm glad you are sober again, and for people like us it is such a better way to live. The only way. You story is helpful to me because I am now at the age when I will start to attend many more funerals than weddings and as life marches on and autumn is here for me, I need to stay sober even through all the challenges of aging. I'm sorry about your Grandmother.

Let's both commit to having the "Big Event" in our toolbox and do some extra work on what tools we will use when those events inevitably happen. If we could just take a few celebratory swigs from our Uncles' flasks, this site would not exist. We need to get through those events sober with never a question in our minds about the best way to live, even on those days.

LumenandNyx

Not drinking is only half of the equation.
Becoming a non-drinker is the other half. If you'd taken up that position, you'd never have joined your cousins and uncles in taking a shot or two.

Becoming requires moving into a new head space. I DON'T DRINK. PERIOD. Say that without reservation and you'll be on to something.

BartShelbyGT

Thanks all. Even though I haven't had a drink in almost 48 hours, my head still feels like I'm wearing a metal bucket for a hat. The thing is, I had fun on Thursday and Friday after flying home and having some time off. My wife, my son and I camped in the back yard. We made Smores. We roasted hot dogs. Nothing wild. And I still feel like I drank grain alcohol and then got in a mosh pit at a Slayer concert. It takes less and less total volume of booze to produce this misery. Kindling I guess......

gypsytears

Sorry for your loss. I hope you get back on track. Sober is better as you’ve seen for yourself.

Hevyn

Hi BartShelby. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother.
I was able to get sober after 30yrs. of drinking when I finally admitted alcohol wouldn't add a thing to any event or occasion. That it was never going to lead to fun or relaxation or relief from misery/grief. It was my enemy, not a comforter - and there would never be just one. My last attempt at drinking socially led to years of chaos. I can never allow myself a drop.
You're back - be proud of yourself for seeing what needs to happen. We're here to help.

Anna

Bart, I'm very sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

You've been doing really well for a few months so don't forget that. You can get back to it. Maybe the next time you go into a situation where you are vulnerable, you could make a plan ahead of time that would help protect you. For example, connect with a non-drinker in the group, plan to leave early or else step outside and walk around the block, that kind of thing.

I hope you feel better and use this as a learning experience.

BartShelbyGT

You know how the AV works. It didn't even speak up until right at the end of the trip. By Monday afternoon, with a Tuesday morning flight home, it told me there wasn't enough time to go on a bender, or even get drunk. Just a "harmless shot in memory of Grandma." That led to two. That led to beer and football Monday night. That led to let's get a quick half pint so you aren't hungover on the plane home. Play the tape forward. It was like a scary movie where you don't want to look but can't look away. I knew what was happening and exactly where it would end, I just couldn't get it shut down. Each day was, I'll deal with the withdrawals tomorrow. But as we all know, the more days you don't pay the fine, the more interest on the bill when it comes due.

Gabe1980

I am sorry for your loss too Bart.

You can get back on track. You know what you are doing now and you have the skills......all there is to do is keep moving forward x

Derringer

Not many of us say " that's it, I'm going sober" and it sticks first time forever.

Lessons are part of it .... 2 slugs from a flask leading to 6 days on it 🤕

You sound like my kind of alcoholic.

Learn from it, move on, next time the AV tries to convince you it'll just be a couple of drinks ... You know what the reality is.

Khorhey

Good news is you fell off for only 6 days. Feel like short times off the wagon are better obviously than falling off for weeks etc.

My last relapse was for a week and it wasn’t too bad. Mostly just light beer. One bad night. But progress is progress. Getting back on was pretty easy compared to previous attempts.

If you’re really sick of it you can do it.

least

I hope you can build your success on the back of this failure. Make it your number one reason for staying sober.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Bart.
I can't just 'have one and get back to it' - tried that many many times and never managed it.

D

BartShelbyGT

Thanks for the kind words everyone. She was 88, diagnosed with lung cancer last spring, and chose no treatment other than pain management. So while it was still hard to lose her, it's not like this was unexpected. Also gave me the opportunity to "mentally prep" for the inevitable trip home for the funeral. That's what made this relapse so disappointing for me personally. I thought I had it in the bag. I'd even turned down offers to go for beers with some other family members the night before the funeral. I'd mentally rehearsed how I'd handle certain things, but a quiet casket side flask pass got me.

But past is past. I feel probably about 80% normal today on day 3. Hopefully tomorrow is better still. Every time I have one of these binges I worry that maybe my mind and body won't come back this time (and if I continue, that WILL HAPPEN at some point). We only get so many punches in our drink ticket before we quit forever or die. I just have to remember I never have to feel this way again! Not just fewer and farther between, but I don't drink. Ever. Thanks again for the condolences.

biminiblue

I remember there's a line in the AA book that says something like recoiling from a flame.

I think that's appropriate for how I feel about alcohol these days. I respect it, it beat me, and I'm not willing to step into the ring with it again. It's weird. It truly is as if I'm being protected from getting burned.

Zebra1275

I've done plenty of "research" on this subject.

I've come to the firm conclusion that the effects of 1 beer will lead to a haunt me for a year. That's how long it took me to get sober the last time, after having a couple of beers in a restaurant when I had over 5 years of sobriety.

snitch

Yeh it is the FIRST drink that does the damage and the only one we need to stay away from.

BartShelbyGT

In about another hour it'll be six days since the last drink. Yesterday was the first day I felt 100% both physically and mentally. As I look back on the 6 days I spent drunk, it almost seems like a different world. It's like I become a different person with a different personality who's visiting an alternate universe. I can remember the thoughts I had during that time, which for some reason seemed completely logical at the time, but from this side of the looking glass seem the thoughts of a madman (which I guess might be true after the first several drinks). In any case, looking forward to a sober weekend. I have a lot of things on my "to do" list from home winterization stuff to just fun hobby stuff plus a dinner Saturday night with a bunch of teetotalers who have no idea that there's another me who exists (I'm not from here and have zero contact with those folks when I've had a drink). Making hot & spicy jerky tomorrow from the end of last season's deer with a new deer season fast approaching. Looking forward to filling the freezer for another year with some truly "organic free range" meat.
Anyway, just checking in and glad to be on the sober life path again. Thanks.