Hopeless
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Hopeless
I don't know how many of you actually see my blog but I needed to rant. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless that I feel like I am officially on autopilot.
15 days. I think this is shortest he has ever stayed completely sober. I came home tonight and after finishing up with some of the packing, he cracked open a beer. I had a feeling on when I was driving home that this would happen. That anxious feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach? I had from the moment he called me after he made his last round to our storage unit. I just had a feeling and I prayed I was wrong. I began to tell myself that I was going to confront him about it, that I was going to make him choose between me and the alcohol. But I choked. I confronted him some, don't get me wrong. I told him I wanted him to stay completely sober. I wanted the alcohol to completely disappear from our lives. But he proceeded to tell me that there were certain things about me that he drive him completely insane and, some days, he can't handle being around me. Even though I was working on my own issues by seeing a therapist once a week, he appreciates it and is being patient with me. But, as far as the drinking goes, he will do it in moderation. He then told me that:
-"I won't drink on work nights"
-"I won't drink when I have important things to do the next day"
-"I am only going to drink when the next day is my day off or if it's a special occasion"
He then proceeded to tell me that he deserved a couple of drinks tonight because he spent the entire day looking for new jobs and loading stuff into our storage unit. I told him I can't handle how he was anymore. This constant circle of temporary sobriety to moderation to heavy drinking to some kind of major consequence to back to temporary sobriety. I can't do it anymore. He admitted that he had a problem but he's fine now. It'll all be in moderation. Especially if he goes back to get his CDL. He lost his CDL temporarily because of drinking and he wants to get it back. If he goes to get it back he will have to really watch his drinking because he will have to do random drug tests and possibly alcohol classes.
No matter what I say, it feels like it doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
Even after everything we went through in the last 15 days. Even though his drinking cost him another job and for us to lose our home. It doesn't matter. He's returned to his precious beer. But my comments and my feelings have been duly noted...
15 days. I think this is shortest he has ever stayed completely sober. I came home tonight and after finishing up with some of the packing, he cracked open a beer. I had a feeling on when I was driving home that this would happen. That anxious feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach? I had from the moment he called me after he made his last round to our storage unit. I just had a feeling and I prayed I was wrong. I began to tell myself that I was going to confront him about it, that I was going to make him choose between me and the alcohol. But I choked. I confronted him some, don't get me wrong. I told him I wanted him to stay completely sober. I wanted the alcohol to completely disappear from our lives. But he proceeded to tell me that there were certain things about me that he drive him completely insane and, some days, he can't handle being around me. Even though I was working on my own issues by seeing a therapist once a week, he appreciates it and is being patient with me. But, as far as the drinking goes, he will do it in moderation. He then told me that:
-"I won't drink on work nights"
-"I won't drink when I have important things to do the next day"
-"I am only going to drink when the next day is my day off or if it's a special occasion"
He then proceeded to tell me that he deserved a couple of drinks tonight because he spent the entire day looking for new jobs and loading stuff into our storage unit. I told him I can't handle how he was anymore. This constant circle of temporary sobriety to moderation to heavy drinking to some kind of major consequence to back to temporary sobriety. I can't do it anymore. He admitted that he had a problem but he's fine now. It'll all be in moderation. Especially if he goes back to get his CDL. He lost his CDL temporarily because of drinking and he wants to get it back. If he goes to get it back he will have to really watch his drinking because he will have to do random drug tests and possibly alcohol classes.
No matter what I say, it feels like it doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
Even after everything we went through in the last 15 days. Even though his drinking cost him another job and for us to lose our home. It doesn't matter. He's returned to his precious beer. But my comments and my feelings have been duly noted...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Stay sober, it's me or the alcohol (period)
- But there are certain things about YOU that drive him completely insane
- Some days, he can't handle being around YOU
- He appreciates you working on YOUR issues - and he is being so patient.
- He deserves these drinks, he worked hard today
Do you see a common thread here? His drinking too much, his alcoholism, has nothing to do with him or the alcohol, oh no, it's his hard work and especially YOU that pretty much force him to drink.
All of the above is alcoholic behaviour 101
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
- But there are certain things about YOU that drive him completely insane
- Some days, he can't handle being around YOU
- He appreciates you working on YOUR issues - and he is being so patient.
- He deserves these drinks, he worked hard today
Do you see a common thread here? His drinking too much, his alcoholism, has nothing to do with him or the alcohol, oh no, it's his hard work and especially YOU that pretty much force him to drink.
All of the above is alcoholic behaviour 101
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
"The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by TiredKitty 
No matter what I say, it feels like it doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
So what's to be done. I read in your blog that you suffer from anxiety and depression. Has this been over many years or since you have been with him. Have you seen an increase in both since being married? I ask because the situation you are is in incredibly stressful.
So back to you. Baby steps. Nothing need be done tonight but maybe start thinking about what you want (with or without him, that's up to you). Do you have a job? If so, perhaps start putting a little money aside in savings, anything at all. Is there somewhere he can go for a while? To his own parents? Friends? Distance will help you to get some clarity, very hard to sort this out when you are in the middle of the storm all the time.
If you aren't working, can you get a job? You say you don't feel strong, but what if you did, what would you want then? What would make you content? Keeping in mind you cannot change him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TiredKitty-----I will share, here, what I know about feeling "strong" or "brave" or whatever word one attaches to that feeling. I have learned the following through my own living and observing and listening to others.
When people approach doing something that they are "afraid" of---but, know that they have to do----they don't do it because they feel strong or brave----they do it like I have approached such things, in my past. With shaking hands---or quaking knees----or, after sleepless nights---and with prayer on my lips.
You and I and every one else have more ability inside of us that we are ever aware of. And---that hidden ability does come forward as Bravery when it is needed---but, very seldom before it is needed. This hidden bravery comes forward when there IS No Other Option. And---it comes at just the second that we need to use it. Not one day before---not one hour before---but--at just the second we have to use it.
Tired Kitty----you can wait until you are a very old person to feel a huge infusion of a brave and strong feeling----But, I know that if you do what you already know that you need to do---your own internal, bravery will come forward at the very second that you actually Do it.
When people approach doing something that they are "afraid" of---but, know that they have to do----they don't do it because they feel strong or brave----they do it like I have approached such things, in my past. With shaking hands---or quaking knees----or, after sleepless nights---and with prayer on my lips.
You and I and every one else have more ability inside of us that we are ever aware of. And---that hidden ability does come forward as Bravery when it is needed---but, very seldom before it is needed. This hidden bravery comes forward when there IS No Other Option. And---it comes at just the second that we need to use it. Not one day before---not one hour before---but--at just the second we have to use it.
Tired Kitty----you can wait until you are a very old person to feel a huge infusion of a brave and strong feeling----But, I know that if you do what you already know that you need to do---your own internal, bravery will come forward at the very second that you actually Do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Alcoholics cannot moderate, period.
He may have the best intentions in this respect (though nothing he has done or said really indicates so), but he won't be able to. That's acloholism.
Dandylion's post about strength and bravery is spot-on. You can wait for those things, or you can move forward and trust that they will be there when you need them.
He may have the best intentions in this respect (though nothing he has done or said really indicates so), but he won't be able to. That's acloholism.
Dandylion's post about strength and bravery is spot-on. You can wait for those things, or you can move forward and trust that they will be there when you need them.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by TiredKitty
He admitted that he had a problem but he's fine now. It'll all be in moderation. Especially if he goes back to get his CDL. He lost his CDL temporarily because of drinking and he wants to get it back. If he goes to get it back he will have to really watch his drinking because he will have to do random drug tests and possibly alcohol classes.
No matter what I say, it feels like it doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
Even after everything we went through in the last 15 days. Even though his drinking cost him another job and for us to lose our home. It doesn't matter. He's returned to his precious beer. But my comments and my feelings have been duly noted...
No matter what I say, it feels like it doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants and I have no say.
I want to say I am strong.
I want to say that I can handle this or work up the courage to leave him.
But, I don't feel very strong.
I feel very broken and unimportant.
Even after everything we went through in the last 15 days. Even though his drinking cost him another job and for us to lose our home. It doesn't matter. He's returned to his precious beer. But my comments and my feelings have been duly noted...
Where have your comments and feelings been duly noted? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the only relationship he's in right now is with alcohol and drinking it. Drinking in moderation is impossible for an alcoholic. We can't do it. We try and no matter what - we fail. Over and over and over. And then over again.
If you're not feeling very strong, I encourage you to muster the strength to at least LOOK at the facts. NOthing - including him - will not change until he stops drinking. Why would it? There's no such thing as reason or logic or consequences with us. We don't give a sh1t. We care about two things - drinking and getting more alcohol. That's it. That's all we think about.
You're much stronger than you realize. If you look for the strength you need, you'll find it. It's in there.
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