pizza67

So...he hasn’t had anything since earlier this year but he continued with the dry drunk blaming and shaming and grousing and ranting etc. As a result the kids basically stopped talking to him. He just got more resentful and blamed me for their behavior.

And now.....guess who wants to “drink moderately” again!! Kids are angry and I reiterated my position that drinking is me leaving. Now he won’t speak to me. He also said that his stopping was symbolic because I am a hypochondriac and controlling and used to have an eating disorder and come from a troubled family etc etc and I “couldn’t handle him drinking moderately.” And that I made the kids respond to him as they do.

So clearly he doesn’t own the problem. And I think what he said about me is mean. Thoughts? Salvageable?

TiredKitty

Sounds like my husband. He will quit for a while then say he will drink moderately and then he ends up being drunk a lot and getting into some kind of legal trouble. It's always the same. My husband is currently 14 days sober because he lost his job which caused us to loose our house.

I agree with you. What he said was mean. There is no reason to personally attack you. He is just trying to cover up for the fact that what he is doing is wrong. I'm sorry you are going through this.

LumenandNyx

Yep. You nailed it.

You might be married, but his relationship is with alcohol and drinking. When we're in our addiction - or uncommitted to being sober - we're either drinking or wanting to drink. That's it. That's our world.

I'm not surprised that your husband resents you. He has to stop drinking because it's the right thing to do in his own mind - not yours or anyone else's.

FallenAngelina

Well, the truth is that many of us in this section do have enormous challenges with control - either assigning blame to others or taking crippling guilt upon ourselves. It is perhaps mean of others to point this out, but the truth is that when our peace of mind depends entirely upon others' positive behavior, we do fall into control patterns. These patterns seem entirely justified to us, but they are control patterns all the same. Your husband is a dry drunk, as you say, so he is not in any kind of recovery program and therefor he is likely not changing much of the thinking that landed him where he is. Just stopping the drinking to make you happy will not change any of the dynamics in your home and marriage. Are you in a community wellness or recovery program yourself? What changes are you making to examine your thinking patterns and to own your part in the family interactions?

mylifeismine

What fallenangelina said ^^^
I haven't reviewed your previous posts, but are you in alanon? Are the kids in alateen?
Counseling for the kids? I'm sorry you are going through this, but the best thing for you and kids
is alanon, alateen, counseling without dry drunk asap or your future happiness will not
be able to withstand this family disease of alcoholism. That your children are angry is
not good.

Bekindalways

Well, sounds like lots of typical alcoholic quacking. It is what they do. No surprises there.

I second . . . or third what Angelina said: focus on yourself and the kids. Take care of yourself. I hope you have some kind of a plan going for what you do next . . . .even if it is just teeny steps towards what you could possibly do if he does indeed go back to full time drinking . . . actually just trying to get clear in your mind what you feel you could live with and what you can't is enough of a "next right step".

Nd819

Hi Pizza, I'm not sure how successful your relationship can be based on where things are now. He quit drinking only to appease you and doesn't sound like he is at all addressing the underlying reasons for his addiction. This is only going to cause him to resent you like crazy. I definitely sense from this and your previous posts that you are very unhappy. I think the only thing you can do at this point is try and work on yourself and your own happiness and the happiness and well-being of your kids. Maybe not focusing on him will help you start to feel better and stronger. I think like others have said it is a good idea to start thinking of plans and options.

velma929

I remember my husband lecturing me about my use of painkillers: Tylenol for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

thequest

'dry' DRUNK. Like most 'drunks' they frequently act on impulse with thoughts and feelings that were there, not manufactured by the drinking. Without the chemical in their system what is their excuse. The kids are priority number one. It took me a while to realize how far an alcoholic might go but after seeing/experiencing it you should realize it's not about you but their selfishness. Don't waste time on him it's about the children now. Sounds like he crosses lines on a regular basis and will not change until he actually wants to change himself.

The children and your safey are number one concern, not changing his behavior.